Trevor Has Gone Away......, he died on Friday 7/22 Options

[raerae777]

Hi Bobbie,

I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. I know what you mean about wanting to stay in the moment and move on when you're ready and that is perfectly okay! This isn't anybody else's grief journey, it's yours so you do what you need to do. I also feel the same guilty feelings about leaving Cinder at home. I wonder what she thought and if it made her sad. It's difficult when these kind of things pop in our heads. But I know deep down that we have given our babies the best life possible and that we loved them and they loved us very much. I hope you have some peace and comfort today.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[Bobbie]

Oh Ms. Raerae777,

Thank you for the softness of your message to me tonight. Tonight has been a simply awful night for me. After my last post, I cried in my husband's arms for 2 hours. This pain in incredible, isn't it? I must confess that many times I write as though I am the only person going through this grief or who has ever gone through this misery. And then I will receive a gentle reminder that others are just a hair's breath away from where I am in my grief. Or that they compassionately feel the actual anquish coursing through my body and soul.

Tomorrow I am going to order at least one print of EVERY picture we took of Trevor. I am a dinosaur - I need visuals. Then I am making a collage of the prints to hang in our house. Every picture will be used.

And I am fortunate enough, because of my physical disability, to LET GO....... I am letting go of every one and everything that is not absolutely necessary for survival and that has been dragging me down. I need my time and eneergy to heal and grow.

Is that about right, Trevor? Mommy is trying to put the things you taught me into practice. This is number ONE!

God bless you Cinder's mom!
I LOVE YOU, TREVOR!

Blessings...............
Bobbie

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Bobbie

How I wish I could take on even a tiny bit of your loneliness and sadness. I love you, sis, and even though I only met Trevor once, I love him, too. The bullet has only just hit your heart. It's shattered and bleeding. Yes, yes, yes ... every moment is a Trevor moment, every day a Trevor day. Thank you for letting me be a part of it for a tiny while. Only when the searing, crushing pain eases up of it's own accord (and it will, but after a LONG time), stay with Trevor every moment. Even while we're cleaning or running around on foolish errands. See your hotmail to find out how Trevor has lit up the whole world. Thank God for RaeRae and the many other LS friends who have been with you during this agony. I love you.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so glad you're getting pictures made of your beloved Trevor and will be working on a collage of his earthly journey with you. I have always felt comforted when I worked on scrapbooks and other projects of my precious companions. They helped me to stay focused on the life we shared, and did bring a peace to my heart. Oh, the ache is still there in not having them with me - - for I truly do miss their sweet physical presence - - but it is not as painful as it was during the deep grief adjustment journey. And because the ache is not as painful I can feel them closer to me, and that is more comforting than the pain of deep grief.

I hope someday you will be able to feel this in your heart, too. That you will be able to smile again when you think of your beloved Trevor - - and feel a comforting warm embrace surrounding your heart.

Bobbie, please know you are in my thougths and prayers, and am here with you, my friend.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

I did not sleep last night (that would be Wednesday night) for more than 3 hours all night. I missed Trevor so badly and had so many things on my mind at the same time that sleep was kept at bay. Finally, I went to bed at around 3:30 am, but could NOT sleep in the bed. I had to lie down on Trevor's comforters next to my bed, take my pillow and his picture and place myself in the same position I would sleep with him every night. His scent was everywhere in the blankets and I felt comforted by him. Don't think I'll move or wash them for a long, long time.

I still miss Trevor more than ever before. And tomorrow is the one-week "anniversary" of his death. Oh, what a horrible day! How tough it is going to be, not being able to bury my head in his blankets and lie down all day in his memories. I cannot believe that an entire week has gone by so quickly and yet it feels as though Trevor has been gone forever. I'm sorry, but I want to be with Trevor and I want it now. It doesn't have to be on just my terms, but I really need to be with him. I'm going to buy him a bunch of roses and scatter them all over his grave. Did you all know there are 9 Beanie Baby doggies surrounding his grave, loving him and keeping him company? I'll try to post some pictures.

I have a small favor to ask: would you all mind saying just a little prayer for Trevor (and his mom) tomorrow? I still need so much help and only you L-S friends understand.

God bless you all and I LOVE YOU, MY TREVOR, MY HUMKY BUNKY!

XOmommy (Bobbie)XO

[kaylasmom]

Dear Bobbie-you and Trevor have been in my prayers since the first time I read your posts. Not stopping anytime soon, either. There aren't too many people in this world who love so selflessly as you do.

I think most of them are on this site.

Goodnight and please try to get some rest.

Shelby

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so very much for letting us know how you are doing. In these hours, days, weeks of deep grief it is important that you do what is comforting for you. With everything you and your beloved Trevor have been through it will take awhile for you to re-establish sound sleep patterns. But it is important that you do allow your mind and body to rest, my friend, and I hope you will be able to get some rest tonight.

I am adding my reassurance to you along with Shelby that you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and am here for you - - always ready to share what is in your heart and on your mind.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Alfiebaby]

Hi Bobbie, how beautifully you and all the others on this site express how you are feeling, it's such a help to me to read your posts.I'm really not that good at saying how I really feel about anything and this is especially hard because outside of here, no one else can understand just how devastating this is, so I just don't say anything to anyone and make out like it's just one of those things sent to try us.Here in Spain it's a very different culture and attitudes towards animals are so unlike in my native UK and in the US where your pet is your family. My poor boyfriend is so good to me and has put up with alot over the past 20 years, he has gone from being a city boy to being a country bumpkin like me, and has allowed me to rescue every flea bitten mutt, moggie and other undesirable that crossed my path. He doesn't say anything when I spend the last of our money on fruit and veg and other treats for our animals while I serve him up pasta for the twentieth time because it's cheap!! He does so much for me and my animals and yet I'm treating him so badly at the moment. I even got angry because he picked up Alfie's photo and moved it. Crazy or what?

So Bobbie, I really thank you because you and Trevor are helping me. Today we went to get Alfie's ashes and brought him home, and I didn't want to cry in front of anyone, I wanted to be brave like my Alfie was every day of his life and so I thought of you.It really helped because I thought right now at this moment there is someone who knows how awful this is, someone who is missing her friend as much as I am and who I would like to be able to help too. So we'll travel the journey together if that's ok with you

I would love to tell you all about my Alfie, he made me so proud and really touched me deeply. I have 12 other rescue dogs who I love with all my heart, but he was my special boy. I learnt so much from him, as I read from someone else on this forum, I didn't rescue him, he rescued me.Alfie was only 3 when he died, I got him when he was 6 months and he should have been a cat because he had 9 lives and used every single one of them. He was born blind and was taken to the dogs home where he was due to be put down, and thank god a truly marvellous girl felt sorry for him and adopted him. She is an angel who rescues dogs and places them in foster homes until she can find them a permanant home. In Alfie's first home, they left him out on a balcony during fireworks, and the poor thing was so scared he got through the railings and fell 2 floors to the pavement. He was very badly injured and the vet said he should be put down, but this girl said no, and took him home and cared for him. He was paralysed and had head trauma and they said he would never walk. They didn't know my brave boy, and to cut a long story short, he recovered and came to me. We had a fantastic 2 years together, not a day went past when I wasn't amazed at his love of life and the way he just got on with it. I don't think he realised he was blind. He spent lots of time with my other dogs because I wanted him to be normal and he would play with them, climb all over them, bark with them, go for walks in the fields, play tug of war with their blankets, then destroy them!! They were great times and everyone who met him fell in love with him and learnt something. Then a year ago he had his first epileptic attack, it was so scary but he took it in his stride. I used to say he did it deliberately because he got icecream and big cuddles afterwards. After that we discovered that he had a hormonal problem, and would drink huge amounts of water and then pee it all back out. That was controlled with medication, which he loved because he got treats with it. Then in October he had a simple eye infection and we still don't really know what happened but his head and face swelled up, he was bleeding somewhere internally and had pockets of liquid on the top of his head and on his chest.It was really bizarre. He was anaemic and lost so much weight as he was treated for it. I was told to have him put down because he would probably not recover. But it was not an option for me because he was such a fighter I had to give him another chance. It was the worst weekend of my life, my boyfriend was away on business, my horse was seriously ill at the same time and I was told to put him down too, which I also didn't do, thank god because he is happily eating hay outside right now!! I was running constantly between Alfie and the stables, with injections, tablets, medicines, tears, red swollen eyes and a constant runny nose!! Three times I almost took Alfie to the vet and it was the hardest thing I have been through. He was fitting 4 or 5 times a day, bleeding from the nose, it was horrific. But as terrible as it may sound to some, I just knew it wasn't his time and that we had to just hold on and that he would fight to stay with me. It was a miracle but he pulled through and came back stronger than ever. These last 8 months have been fantastic, he was full of life, had less epileptic attacks and was even more loving. I think he knew what we had been through together and we had to enjoy every day. I never expected him to live to an old age, but I thought I had a few more years with him. I told him every day how special he was, how much I loved him and that I would be with him until the very end. And that is what hurts the most, is that I wasn't with him when he died and I desperately wanted to be. But it must have been very quick which is some consolation. I had come home from work at half 8 that evening and we did our daily ritual. First I checked on the other animals and then I would sit with the dogs while they had their tea, and after tea was cuddle time. While the other dogs played around us Alfie and I would snuggle up on the porch for half an hour, and he had this look of contentment on his face that would sometimes reduce me to tears because I knew he was happy with me. On the night he died, after cuddle time I told him I loved him as I did every night and left him to play with the other dogs while I went in the house to have a shower. An hour later when my boyfriend came home, I asked him to bring Alfie in for the night, and he found him and he was already gone. It's still so unreal, he was in the exact same place that my beautiful Golden retriever died last year, and my little dog Barney was sat with him as he was with Goldie. I still can't believe he has gone, he was the light in my life and I miss him so much. I'm so sad because there will never be another one like him and I'm lost. I know he's ok, now you're going to think I'm really a nut job, but I had a flash vision the next day and he was running towards me in a beautiful green field, which was fantastic to see because Alfie couldn't run, he bunny hopped every where, but he was in flow with his ears flapping, it was truly beautiful.He was with other dogs and he said, I'm ok mummy.

Bobbie, I'm so sorry I've hijacked your thread, but once I started I couldn't stop. It was nice to tell someone about my special boy. I hope that when you feel up to it you could tell me about the good times with Trevor. You know you have made me smile in all this, Trevor is such an English name, I would love to know his story and see some pictures.

Well it's 0415 here in Spain, I'm going to try to sleep now. I've got Alfie next to my bed in his urn, but it's so cold. I tried to cuddle it but it makes me feel worse.I don't know what to do.

Goodnight Bobbie, I hope you find some peace today, be kind to yourself. I ate a whole box of chocolate biscuits today, and I drank 5 cups of tea.I think crying so much is dehydrating me. Thank you again. Tell Trevor I'm thinking of him, and to look out for Alfie.

[Bobbie]

Dear, dear Alfiebaby!

Thank you for the tremendous, fantastic and very supportive message tonight! I was worried that I would not hear from you again and, since you did not have your own thread, I didn't know what to do. But like absolutely every other wonderful L-S'er, you reached out when I needed you the most, too.

First, a question: is Alfie a spaniel or setter? His face is so stunningly beautiful that I think he is one or the other. My Trevor, as were all my other boys, was a C-o-c-k-e-r Spaniel (American). One English C-o-c-k-e-r spaniel lived with me about 20 years ago. He was the most beautiful English I've ever seen. When shaved, he had an amazing solid marking that traveled around one shoulder, down his back to the opposite hip. His name was Kelly.

In just a few hours, it will be the one week "anniversary" (I need to think of a better word.) of Trevor's passing into that heavenly world beyond the Rainbow Bridge. The past two nights have been the worst so far. I'll be sleeping on Trevor's comforters again tonight. And I have just one wish: I want to be with Trevor. that's it. He doesn't have to come back to earth and suffer any more, no, not at all. I simply want to be with him 24/7 from now to eternity (and thn some). It's a rather simple statement, no response needed other than "OK - sounds good" and that's that. I want Trevor, period.

I have two things to tell and then I must get to seep.

First: tomorrow, my sister, Jeanne (Gretta's mom) and I are going to buy all the (reasonably priced) fresh flowers we can reasonably fit into a 4-door Honda Civic. Then we are going to Trevor's grave and we are covering the whole thing with flowers upon flowers upon flowers, until there is not one speck of dirt/earth showing. Then we'll put his 9 Beanie Baby buddies back around him. They love, protect and keep him company when I can't be there. Me or his wonderful Grandmom. I'll tell you about her some time, too! I picture the flowers to be at least 4+ inches deep.

Second: I think Trevor is taking care of his mommy already. Last night he witnessed the worst night of his mom's life, missing him, etc. So he, and his brothers "up there" got together and decided that mom needs someone. Somehow, while I was on Facebook's Save-A-Dog site, I pulled up the picture of a 5 year old, black, American C-o-c-k-e-r Spaniel, available for adoption through a local rescue group. His name is Star (???????) and he lost his home because his female owner didn't want to take care of him any more!!! Now, I know how rescue groups embellish some information and hide other, but they are having an "adoptathon" on Sunday, at a local Pet store and they are going to bring Star so we can meet. That is their first criteria, even before processing the application and doing home inspection, the potential mom and/or dad must meet the dog first. I cannot wait and yet at the same time, I don't want to be disloyal to Trevor AT ALL! But, as my sister told me: Rudy sent Trevor to you and now Trevor is sending someone new for you.

Thank you for sharing so much about Alfie. He sounds so wonderful, courageous and loving. I'm sorry you had him for such a short time. I had Trevor, one day shy of 2 years and 2 months.

Have a great night/day or whatever!

Blessings..............................
Bobbie

[Alfiebaby]

Bobbie, glad to hear from you. how did it go today, I'm picturing you all there with your flowers and I can see Trevor looking down at you with his head turned in that quizzical way that dogs do and saying "What are they doing?? I would love to just get down there and roll around on those flowers and try to eat a few while I'm at it!! And those Beanie babies look good too!! Wow, my mummy and everyone else really loves me don't they. I always knew I was special, but this.... I must have been the most special little dog that ever walked down there!!" And then he runs back off to all his friends up there, including my Alfie and gives them all hell!! You see Bobbie, you've made me smile again...you're the best

I am really excited for you about the new dog. It is in no way being disloyal to Trevor, it's what he would want. I truly believe that when they leave us too soon it's for a reason. Eight years ago we moved to our new house in the country.We bought it for our beautiful American spaniel Sam, and tragedy struck before we even moved in and he was killed by a car on the road outside. He had been my whole life, everything revolved around Sam, gosh I wish I had found LS back then. I was devastated and refused to go to the new house. It was2 months before I could step back through the gate, but I had to do it. But I swore I would never have another dog because it would be disloyal to my darling Sam (there was a lot of guilt, he died because he was trying to find me, I had thoughtlessly gone out to see some horses and left the gate open). It was another 3 months before Javi, my boyfriend said he had had enough.I was a dog person and I had to have dogs in my life, since I was a baby we had dogs. So I agreed never expecting to be able to love another one.My only request was that it shouldn't be another spaniel, it would hurt too much. So Javi brought me home 2 puppies from the dogs home, one being en english c-o-c-k-er spaniel...men!! I had never rescued a dog before I'm ashamed to say, we had always spent alot of money on pedigree dogs, but I knew that the only way I could ever get over Sam was if his life and death meant something. And it really helped me. Since then I only rescue and encourage every one else to do the same. After I got Alfie, I became a foster mum but I'm rubbish at it because I can't give them away!! That's how I got to have 13 dogs, with Alfie. I'm not suggesting you go to those extremes, but go to this new dog with your heart open and I think you'll hear Trevor say "please do it mummy, she needs you and you need her"

Alfie was beautiful to me, to others he was probably abit ugly, he was a mix between an english spaniel and a german shepherd and his lower jaw stuck out, one of his eyes receeded in his last year and he had a hole in his nose. But he had the softest fluffiest coat that I would just grab and pick him up and kiss him all over. I'll put some pictures on soon of him and Sam. I have 2 other english spaniels so I guess we have something else in common.

Take care Bobbie, try to let us know how you got on. Give her a chance

[Bobbie]

Good Morning all my wonderful L-S friends, Kayla's mom, Moon Beam, Raerae, LoveMyMickey, Peggy Gretta's mom and Alfiebaby,

Whew. This is as sad of a day as last Friday when we were all waiting for Dr. Sorrells to come to the house and send Trevor into the land of peace and tranquility. My heart is as heavy, my soul just sinks and my mind just runs in random patterns. I MUST get in touch with Dr. Sorrells soon, to talk about Trevor's last moments because they were so devastatingly horrible. All the things I did not want Trevor to experience, he did, and I could do nothing to stop it or save him. Some times a mother's love still isn't good enough.

I am moving in slow motion today because everything else is way too fast. Here I go again: I want to be with my Trevor. and that's all.

I'll let you know how our days goes and will describe the showering of a million flowers on Trevor's grave. I'am really looking forward to that.

Have a great day, my friends (in the true sense of the word). I love you all!

Alfiebaby: my email: rlasov@hotmail.com

Blessings to all..........................
Bobbie

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Bob

Just me again. I am SO sorry that Trevor is missing on earth, SO sorry that you are in such pain, SO wishing I could take on just a tiny bit of it. I'll never forget Trevor. I only met him once but he's in my heart forever. I'm SO glad you've found friends here on Lighting Strike. And I'm SO glad you're sorting out the people in your life into the takers and the givers and getting rid of the first and treasuring the second. Be assured that as long as I live and as long as I remember Gretta with both smiles and tears, I WILL do the same for wonderful MR. Trevor Forever.

AlfieBaby is SO right. Go to see Star with an open heart and listen to Trevor's message in your heart. How I hope (and believe) that he's saying, "Oh mommy, I gotta help you somehow. I think you're supposed to wait a while before you send the nxt dog but I got special permission to do it much sooner - if it's right."

Let's go get those flowers!

Gretta and Rufie's mom

[leejaye]

Dear Bobbie, I think Trevor must have sent you the chance to meet Star, our children still watch over us and love us - just like they did when we could hold them...please let us know how it goes with Star, sending love and hugs Leejaye

[Gretta's Mom]

Once again, the night is taking over and I am sadder than sad. Today was one week to the day when Trevor died. And, you know, my world did, too. During the day I can get some things done, go a few places, etc., but as soon as the night hours start to close in, I start up again. Of course, it's just been one week since my love was ripped from my life and my heart. I cannot expect too much from myself. But others sure do, don't they? To the outside world, I'm supposed to be "just fine" again. Trevor died, but that's over now so let's get thinking about them NFL Ravens starting up again, etc. I have the perfect 4 letter word for that: crap. (hope it gets printed)

Today, as I was rearranging his puppy pads upstairs, I got a huge marking pen and wrote "I love U Trevor!" on the whole pad and laid it down right in the middle of the hall floor. It looks rather good there and it isn't going to move for a long, long time. My sister and I put over 20 small boquets of flowers over Trevor's grave this morning. Every inch was covered. It's not the prettiest, but Trevor must be having a great time smelling it all! I even made a sign for our front door, reminding our neighbors about Trevor.

I just want to be with Trevor and that's that. Nothing more, nothing less. I guess you could say I'm stuck, but I don't care right now. I did resign from a volunteer position at my church that I have been wanting to do for a LONG time. Finally. I can carry only so many burdens at one time and, right now, I only want one: missing Trevor and establishing his legacy.

Thank you, again, for listening to me ramble on about the same thiing. Thank you for realizing how important it is to me and validating the wish for me. Please enjoy this coming weekend, if you can, I will be thinking about all of you wonderful L-S folks.

Blessings...............
Bobbie

I LOVE YOU TREVOR!!!!!!!

[Bobbie]

Oh, and, once again, my sister, Jeanne, did NOT log out of L-S before I just started typing. Some day we'll understand what to do, but I'm afraid that will be after she leaves for home tomorrow!

THANK YOU, JEANNE, FOR BEING THE BEST SISTER IN THE WORLD!

Bobbie

[Bobbie]

TREVOR, MY BABY AND MY LOVE, LOVE, LOVE......I MISS YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW. I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU AND I'M TRYING TO LEARN THE LESSONS YOU TAUGHT ME.

HAVE A HAPPY NIGHT AND KNOW THAT I ADORE YOU!

XO mommy XO

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Trevor Forever

Your mom misses you as thought she would die. Because she loves you most. I also want you to know that your Aunt Jeannie loves and misses you, too. I'll NEVER EVER forget you, Mr Trevor. You ARE forever. So tonight my tears are for Gretta, you, your mom, Rufus and me - quite a crowd, but if we stick together we WILL make it.

XOXO A Jeanne

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, just being able to get caught up with how you're doing. The flowers on your beloved Trevor's resting place sounds so wonderful - - along with the beanie babies. Rest assured your beloved Trevor is looking on you with eyes filled with eternal love for he sees your heart overflowing with your eternal love for him.

I'm glad you are doing what YOU need to do for comfort during this very challenging and sorrowful adjustment journey. I know exactly what you mean about the world's expectations of "moving on" according to its terms. But when our hearts are filled with deep grief, the world's expectations seem very insignficant and offer little comfort to hearts ravaged by the seering pain of grief and sorrow.

I'm wondering if you went to see Star yesterday, and if so how it went. If nothing else, I hope that visiting with Star brought some comfort to you - - which is what your beloved Trevor wants for you.

Bobbie, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. I hope that today is being kind to you, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bobbie, and am honored to walk this journey of adjustment beside you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[kaylasmom]

Hi Bobbie,

Just stopping by to say "hi" and let you know I'm thinking of you.

Shelby

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Bobbie

Your Trevor Forever is working for you!! He's GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!

XOXO

Gretta's mom