My Dog Cowboy Options

[cowboy]

It has been 37 hours and 12 minutes since my dog cowboy passed. Its was so sudden and scary I cant even come to terms with the thoughts of it yet. I dont know what killed him and its not that important to me to know. The fact he is gone is all that matters. We had just gone out for morning bathroom time and come in to eat. He ate his breakfast and his treat then jumped up on the couch to give me kisses. I feel blessed that i told him how much he meant to me just before he died. We were laying down to take a nap before i went to work, him on his end of the couch on his couch bed and me with my foot rubbing his back when he suddenly started yelling in a way ive never heard. i jumped up and went to him asking him what was wrong and when he got silent he let out his last breath. it took nearly five minutes for me to realise he had passed. Sorry if my grahamer isnt correct i can barely see the screen. I think im jumping between the guilt and anger phase right now because i keep thinking there must have been a sign i missed. I keep wondering if maybe he wasnt dead when i wrapped him up and took him to the hospital to be creamated. Angry with myself for not being sure whether to get an urn or not, i decided not. I have pictures and some of the most wonderful memories. We had just gone to the vet on saturday and they didnt find anything wrong with him other than his heart murmur which was found 2 years ago but they never seemed concerned about it and just told me the signs to watch for. I just cant think of any moment that one of them appeared. Im hoping writing on here will help. I still havent been able to eat, but i do have a lapband that makes it difficult in the first place this is just making it harder.It just feels like I have a big weight sitting on my chest. I keep remembering all the good times and then the horror of him dying like that. I am usually one of those macho guys that doesnt cry and i havent been able to control it. Ive done ok during the day its just at night it gets to be overwhelming. i cant even turn on the tv. i was ok my first day back at work until my boss came and told me that we were done and there was no need to stay at work. It just hit me that i have to go home for the first of many times to my apartment without him. everyone keeps telling me they understand and that they are here if I need them but none of them ever took the time to get to know cowboy so i dont feel like they are the right ones to talk to about it. And then I get angry because I dont want understanding or to talk I just want cowboy back. Well I guess ive ranted enough for now. I hope it makes somekind of sense. Ill try to post again after ive gotten to a better place where i can understand myself. Thank you for reading this it really does mean alot to know others can feel the same way I do.

[Kristina]

Cowboy

I will do my best to offer you some words of encouragement, however I am still new with the grief of my own, but all of us here need a sounding board sometimes. There are other members, moonbeam in particular, who are much better with words than I am, however I couldn't read your post and not respond.

All of us are here for one reason. We are each missing something very very important in our lives, our beloved pets. Every single person here has asked "what if" countless times. Although each of our pets passed in a different manner, the point is that we no longer have them with us, and it hurts like hell.

I will tell you that it does get better, day by day, although right now I know it doesn't feel that way. You will have setbacks along the way that will cripple you, but you will keep on going because that is what your beloved Cowboy would have wanted. Our babies don't want us to be sad over their passing, they want us to remember all the wonderful times we shared together.

I am a bit farther in my grief journey than you, having lost my beloved Dixie almost one month ago. I have good days and bad days, as will you. We are here for you 110%. If you need to let off steam, if you need to cry, even if what you are typing doesn't seem to make any sense to you, we get it my friend. We support each other, we give advice, we just listen, because each of us is hurting.

Our animals have such a huge impact on our lives. If you need to cry, do it. I will tell you that in the 8 years I have been with my husband I have seen him cry twice. Once being when we lost our Dixie. It is something that cannot be held in. Let it out.

Keep coming here. Tell us all about your Cowboy. Tell us about your day. Tell us anything. We will be here. Sending much love to you.

[nurse2b013]

I am so, so sorry about your precious dog Cowboy passing away. I lost my cat one week ago...

Grief is multi-faceted. It is possible to feel many emotions at once...guilt, sadness, anger, etc. Cowboy knew how much you loved him. You gave him a wonderful life and were a wonder parent to him. Animals can feel and sense our love, even when they are no longer physically with us. Cowboy will always be with you in spirit, and in your heart. If it makes you feel better, talk to him. (I still talk to my Chessa all the time) I truly believe they can still "hear" us. Cry, let it all out. The grief and pain you are feeling is real, and justified.

Everyone here has had that special connection with an animal, so we totally understand what you are going through. Sadly, we have all (or are still walking) that road...please feel free to let out all your feelings and emotions here. It truly helps, honestly...

You and Cowboy will be in my thoughts...

[cowboy]

Thanks yall. I keep reading other posts on here and it sounds like everyones going through or has gone through what im experiencing. I wish i was better at expressing myself but im very introverted. Kristina your Dixie looks just like cowboy. he was a black lab mix. Think 40 pound black lab. Thanks nurse i do talk to him in my head. i keep telling him i love him and hes a good boy. I even imagine him telling me he wants me to be happy. Its just hard wanting to get to the good times but having to go through the bad. I even feel guilty because my grandothers passing a few years ago while hard didnt even compare to how bad i feel now. well im going to see if i can get some sleep again thank you so much for the support. I hope we all have good days tomorrow.

[LoveMyMickey]

Dear Cowboy....There isn't much I can add to what these dear ladies have already said. But I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Cowboy. Because of the heart murmur, he could have had a sudden heart attack or stroke. The heart just isn't beating right with the murmur.....Please don't feel guilty because if the Vet didn't see any other signs, then there was no way you could since it happened so sudden.

My Mickey had a heart murmur for several years and passed away 5 months ago. He gradually got worse and he was pretty weak about 2 weeks before he passed even though he was on medication. I am still heartbroken and get tears every day, but I can look at his pictures and smile at the fun times we had.

Cowboy it will take time to feel better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Come back when you feel like it and let us know how you are.

God Bless...

LoveMyMickey

[moon_beam]

Hi, Cowboy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Cowboy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing their physical company so unexpectedly is particularly traumatic.

Cowboy, I'm not a vet or a vet tech, but from what you described it sounds like he may have experienced a blood clot. Since he had just had a check up which indicated he was in good health, I'm sure the vet looked him over first to confirm his physical death before arranging cremation. Even if your beloved Cowboy had thrown a blood clot right in the presence of the vet, there would have been little hope of him surviving. Blood clots are very spontaneous and truly cannot be diagnosed ahead of time. I'm not sure any of this makes sense to you, or matters. But perhaps it will help to set your mind at ease about your concern: "I keep wondering if maybe he wasnt dead when i wrapped him up and took him to the hospital to be creamated."

As Jodi and LoveMyMickey have already compassionately shared with you, so I wish to add my affirmation to their words of comfort: You are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. This is one place where you will never need to put on a "public face" to disguise how you're feeling or what is in your heart. The nights are particularly hard because it is the time of day that is truly devoted to our beloved companions. The days are filled with busyness and distractions and decisions that have to be made. The evenings are when the seering pain of the "new reality" encompasses us - - and we find our hearts shredding anew with the deep ache and void of our beloved companions' sweet physical presence with us.

This grief jouney is one of "adjustment", Cowboy, - - adjustment without the privilege of our beloved companions' sweet physical presence. But the love bond we share with them during their earthly journey is eternal, Cowboy. It continues on because love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will feel your beloved Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit continuing to share your earthly just as he always has and always will.

Cowboy, thank you so much for sharing your beloved companion with us. Perhaps sometime you would like to post a picture(s) of him - - when / if you are ready. My beloved Oslo is a handsome Black Lab who is among the beloved companions in heaven's perfect garden with Dixie and Cinder, and many other precious companions (see Oslo if you'd like). And he now has a new friend with Cowboy. Rest assured that your beloved Cowboy is in the next to best company he could have - - for you are and always will be his TRUE HEART'S FIRST PREFERENCE.

Cowboy, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that take away the piercing pain that is consuming your heart and life. I can only hope that in time you will find comfort, encouragement, and hope in all of the words that come to you from genuine friends here on this forum who truly do know what you are going through. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cowboy, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[merlin96]

Dear Cowboy,

I just wanted to add my condolences to those that have already been expressed. I know first hand unfortunately just how difficult it is to lose a precious animal friend and I have such a hard time replying to these posts because I become a sobbing, babbling idiot just thinking about it (and my most recent loss was over two years ago, if that tells you anything about how one moves on but they stay in your heart forever). I do find it difficult to articulate my feelings on this topic but just wanted to say you are not alone and there are literally countless numbers of us out there who understand the devastating heartache of having to come home to an empty home after a loss, often sudden and unexpected. So many questions face you that you wouldn't even have foreseen - do you pick up the water dishes, what to do with Cowboy's bed, can you bear to pick up his toys...and on and on. It's not like your dog carried on a verbal conversation with you but yet how can a house sound so echoingly quiet! Believe me, I understand and so do so many of the other people on here who have lost the loves of their lives. There is no secret to getting through this but just take one minute after the next after the next. They are the most precious creatures, totally innocent and full of love and for that reason I believe it is a loss liike no other. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your precious baby. I will keep you both in my prayers.

[cowboy]

Hi everyone. Well I made it through today a little better. I even laughed a little bit at work. I just keep thinking about how he could never let anybody walk by without saying hi to them. Whether we were outside or inside. He didnt have anybody he didnt like. even other dogs that had tried to bite him he still wanted to go say hi the next time he saw them. Thank you moonbeam for pointing out the blood clot and that the vet would check before creamation. i kept looking online to make sure i had read the signs right. I was just so scared he was conscious in some way. I would have taken him in without wrapping him up if I had thought of that before i took him to the hospital. but i think its the whole denial or guilt thing. Im so sorry for everyone elses loss too. Im not very good at giving comforting words im usually a great listener but I hope in time we can all take some comfort in knowing they are in a better place. Thanks again.

Oh and im going to try to post his pic. I only have one online, i have never been a big picture taker and now wish i was. ive got a big picture of him right over my tv that i can look up and see him anytime i want. and one on my door so i can see him before i leave in the morning.

[cowboy]

kristina i was just reading your post and something grettas mom said reminded me about the songs i would sing to cowboy. I think his favorite was the old bon jovi song that i changed the lyrics on

cause im cowboy, in a steel truck i ride and im wanted always alive
well i walk those streets, a loaded tail on my back
i play for keeps, cause i might not make it back
ive been everywhere still im standing tall, ive seen a million faces and ive licked them all

or the one i made up

cowboys the silliest dog the silliest dog i know
he never bites and hes always great and he licks all over your toes
cowboys the silliest dog the silliest dog i know
he never bites and hes always great and the children all love his nose.

that ones sung to the casper tune i think. well it just reminded me of the songs. i sang him that one after he passed.

[Alfiebaby]

Hi there, I'm so sorry for your loss. My boy died very quickly like Cowboy a couple of weeks ago and as Moonbeam previously said, we think it was probably due to a clot on the brain. I know there was nothing I could have done, but it doesn't help very much at the moment. I hope you find peace soon. Thinking of you at this sad time.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Cowboy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing - - and the WONDERFUL picture of your beloved Cowboy. Looks to me like he might have had some Border Collie lineage. My first canine companion, my Samson, was a mixed Lab / Border Collie. He, too, had the white tummy.

And thank you for sharing with us the songs you would sing to your furchild. Please know that the sound of your voice is still as sweet to him now as it always has been - - only now it is drifting upward to him in heaven's perfect garden. I still sing to my beloved companions who are there - - and still talk to them. I assure you that your beloved Cowboy is lisening intently to every word you say just as he always has and always will.

Thank you again so much for sharing your precious Cowboy with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Cowboy

I am SO very sad about the sudden passing of your boy, Cowboy. The first thing that came to mind when I read your description of the incident was, like the others have said, a stroke - a blood clot to the brain. They kill instantly - animals or people. You did everything for Mr Cowboy - I can tell from your writing. I, too, am here because the love of my life, Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) passed in my arms on April 10 of this year. For the first week r so, all it was like was shock. Like your heart had just been shot out with a high-powered rifle and you were bleeding all over everything - dying inside - and the rest of the world was going about their ordinary business (which you didn't really see because of the trauma). Then came the robot-walk - doing everything you have to or want to do just like a mechanical man. Then the concrete block appears - the one that weighs you down so that you feel you are, in the words of an old blues song, "almost level with the ground."

So you're a songster, too! Songs are wonderful. There are songs for absolutely every occasion in life and sometimes you only have to change the words a little bit to make them be about Cowboy. There are verses to Goebel Williams' "Hobo's Lullaby" that I've had to force myself to sto singing because theywere so sad and guilt-filled. But one foot in front of the other is the best we can do.

This is a family of very special people. We've been located by our one and only spirit mate and lived with them, loved them and (a million times better) been loved by them. I believe that human and animal "stuff" is all the same. And that love is eternal - in both directions. And that what has changed is not that they are no longer here or even very close by, but that we can no longer sense them with our ordinary senses. Can't see them or hear them or smell them or feel them. So we believe they are "gone". But they're not. They're still as close to us as they ever were - still loving us and being loved, still guiding us and protecting us. When you find yourself doing or thinking something just "out of the blue" - that's Cowboy guiding you. I believe my Gretta led me to this stie (which has been a lifesaver). How else would I have found it among all the zillioins of sites in ether-space?

Everybody grieves in his or her own way. Never be embarassed about anythingyou think or do. The first night Gretta was "gone" I took two of her snowsuits (which she hated, but it's cold here in the winter) and velcro-ed them together to make a pillow to sleep on. She was an old (almost 13) dog with arthritic and neuro problems so her bed was one of the best there is. The second night, the velcro pillow didn't seem close enough so I decided (since I'm a solo and can do things like this) to sleep on her dog bed. "No one can tell me I can't!" Some people say their fur babies come to them in dreams or they sense them around. If this happens, it's real. It's only happened to me once and even then she appeared as a golden retriever, not a chocolate lab.

Cowboy's dad - my heart is with you. I'm away from home right now, but when I get back, if you don't mind, I'll e-mail you a memorial I put together for my sister, whose beautiful c-o-c-k-e-r spaniel passed last Friday. It's based on the Hobo's Lullaby. Cowboy's dad, I know Gretta and Cowboy have met and are on their jobs - but now with no pain and no sickness - and all the squirrels they want to chase - who don't even seem to mind.

Keep the faith, and send a hello to Mr Cowboy for Gretta and me.

Gretta's mom

[cowboy]

thanks everyone i dont know if i could cope as well as i am without having people listen and respond that understand as well as everyone here. Yeah id love to see the memorial. I enjoy reading about how special other peoples loved companions are to them. thats one of the reasons i joined this site was seeing all the pictures and reading the stories. Not just because i needed help understanding what was going on with me. ive tried to write on a couple of other posts but i can never think of anything to say. like i said earlier im a great listener but not so good on using words myself. let me know how you would like my email address i dont know if i am supposed to post it on here. again thank you to everyone.

[moon_beam]

"ive tried to write on a couple of other posts but i can never think of anything to say."

Hi, Cowboy. Part of the reason why you are finding it difficult to respond to other topics is because you are in deep grief right now. Please do not feel the need to apologize for not being able to offer comfort and encouragement to others right now. This is YOUR time to RECEIVE from those of us who are able to offer YOU comfort, encouragement, and hope. I, too, am very introverted by nature. I am most comfortable in sharing with others through writing, and as you can tell - - I'm not very good at keeping my posts to "25 words or less." So just take it easy, Cowboy - - you're being here with us is just fine.

As to your e-mail address - - you can either include it in one of your posts - - if you would like it to be made "public" - - or people can e-mail you through what is called "Private Message". This way you will get an e-mail notification from the Lightning Strike Administrator that you have a personal message in your mailbox, and then you can just log onto the Lightning Strike website, and then read and answer your e-mail messages from Lightning Strike members that way. The choice is yours, Cowboy, if you want to openly share your e-mail address.

I hope you will have a very peaceful evening, Cowboy, blessed with your beloved Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cowboy]

thanks moon beam. i think ill go with the private message on here. I know guests are aloud to read the posts and i dont want fishers getting my email address. I hope you have a peaceful night too.

[raerae777]

Hi Cowboy,

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious Cowboy. He was a handsome man! I love that picture of him, he looks so happy. I know you gave him a wonderful life and he loved you for it. I'm glad you found this forum, it is a wonderful place. I lost my beloved black lab, Cinder, a week ago and I don't know what I would have done without this website. We are all here for you to help you along the way. I love your songs to Cowboy, they are so sweet. I hope you find some peace and comfort today.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[cowboy]

Hi everyone. Well I managed to make it through the day without completely losing it till i got home. I Know from reading that what im experiencing is the body protecting itself from shock because ive gone from constantly thinking about him to having to actually think about him. I still dont know if knowing that is helping or not. I cant remember a time ive dreaded a weekend coming but atleast work is a good distraction. I dont have anything going on on the weekends to distract me. They were usually spent at home with cowboy. I quit drinking a couple of years ago and all my friends want to do is go to bars or when they had get togethers at their house they didnt want cowboy there so i got to the point i just wanted to stay home with cowboy. Now i dont know what to do with my free time. I refuse to start drinking again just because hes gone. I dont think hed appreciate it very much. Hey raerae. cinder looks so adorable. im betting cowboy and cinder are having a good time running and playing together with all the other dogs waiting for us. Thanks for the kind words.

[cowboy]

I just opened the blinds for the first time. I was just remembering he would bark his happy head off at anybody walking by outside. I didnt even mind. I would just pause whatever i was watching and ask him who it was. sometimes i would even get on the floor and bark with him. then we would wresstle around and play tug of war with his rope. Then we would play king of the bed. I had a bed in front of the window for him to lay on while he looked out. Ive been told he was the most spoiled dog in the world. I had three beds for him. one in the bedroom, though i always tried to get him to stay in the bed with me, one on the couch and one on the floor in the living room. I called his barking the friendly neighborhood cowboy radio. Hed give me the play by play of what was going on. I loved the times he was just being a dog. I never tried to stop him from doing what came naturally to him. i never even punished him properly for doing number 2 in the bedroom. I tried telling him bad but i couldnt keep it up. I just would close the door before i went to work and he wouldnt go anywhere else. I remember coming home once and i had forgotten to take the bag of trash out in the morning. He must have been in heaven. half a pizza atleast gone not to mention anything else in there. I didnt even get mad. I just laughed and asked if he still wanted supper. Then there was the stuffed animals. he never really played with them. He would just pull them apart and leave the stuffing everyhere. I told a friend it looked like what a horror movie for stuffed animals would look like. i just picked up the mess both times and laughed. He loved his peanut butter treat i gave him on saturdays or i would let him lick the cheese off my plate after i had cheese and crackers. hed always look up and give me the "is there anymore" look. Id ask him if that was good and tell him good boy. I always saw it as me and him against the world. As long as we were together nothing could hurt either of us. I even have a picture in my head of me and him riding along with the wind blowing in our faces his ears and my hair blowing in the wind daring the world to challenge us cause we were unstoppable. and thats how he lived. never worrying what was going to happen just facing everything as it did. i love cowboy probably more than i have anything or anybody else. I just wanted to share some more memories that poped up.

[moon_beam]

Hi, cowboy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing and some of your precious memories of your beloved Cowboy.

This grief journey is one of adjustment - - a "re-defining" of who we are and what we do with ourselves NOW. When our beloved companions come into our lives they become the center of our universe. They are totally dependent upon us for their every need. When they precede us to the angels we are faced with the unbearable "re-defiining" of our every moment. And this is a very difficult adjustment, and continuing to live our lives in a way that will honor the joy and valued lessons our beloved companions shared with us as to what is truly important.

Please know you are not alone in your adjustment journey, cowboy. I hope you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with the presence of your beloved Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[leejaye]

Hi Cowboy, Thanks for sharing some of those lovely memories - it's amazing how our furry souls just gave us that feeling of "rightness", like you said you could face anything with your boy by your side - that's how I felt about my Mischief cat, no matter how much crap there was, there was always her to come home to, I sometimes think I am not even the same person that I was before I lost her, hang on to those beautiful memories, they will make you cry but they will lift you up too. When you are ready if you listen quietly to your heart you will hear and feel your boy still with you, the massive process of adjusting your life around the physical hole your boy has left has started, and it's so so hard, you just want them back with you, to make the world the way it should be again...sending you hugs and support to try to make today and the days after a little easier Leejaye