Hurting So Much..., Lost my once-in-a-lifetime kitty two days ago Options

[leejaye]

Hey Terri, Just thought I'd see how you were doing - I still see flowers and think how much Mischief would like them, she was a supervised outdoor cat and loved to sniff the prettiest flowers in the garden - as if she knew how pretty she looked posed for a Kodak moment! I bought a bunch of pink sweet peas to put with her urn, photo, collar and fav cat toy this week just cos i thought she would like them...you are definitely carrying Ollie with you, and always will, I think moon_beam said it on another thread - you have a piece of each other's hearts, forever, so he lives on still, I still feel my Mischief in my heart (and sometimes it feels like actually with me in the last week and a bit...) and still talk to her, i don't believe they leave us, not with what we shared, hope you smile today, take care

[Gretta's Mom]

HiTerri

I poured out my heart in a very long post this AM but them there was a power outage and it didn't go through. I'll try to reconstruct it this evening. Meanwhile, just know that I care so much about you and that I think your dream of Ollie and you sitting in the dark was a visit from dear Ollie telling you that she knows how dark your world is and that she's still right there with you. Hold that thought ... more later. And here's a little measure of strength from me and Gretta and Rufus - we've got a little to spare right now.

Take care my friend.

Gretta's mom

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi again, Terri

Trying this on another computer. I often have trouble on this site and wonder if it's Gretta or Someone else telling me not to send a message. I don't think so, though. I think it's plain old hardware that has a mind of its own! Scary though, eh?

First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you have to go through all this pain. Some people say the we hurt in proportion as we love (and were loved) and I absolutely believe this. Coping and getting through are just concepts at this point. I can't even begin to tell you all the, shall we say, "odd" things I did in the days and weeks following my Gretta's passing. I'm a solo so I can get away with stuff that people who live with others aren't likely to able able to do. After coming home from the agonizing deed - done at a Univesrity Vet School cuz it was Sunday and I was NOT going to take Gretta to one of those storefront e-vets. I was in shock but one's robot-self takes over and I made it home - after giving all her neds to the school in case they needed them (what?). When I opened the front door for the first time and didn't see her darling little nose rightthere I all but fell on the floor!Hours of crying .... you know the drill.

I finally took two of her snowsuits - which she hated, but it's cold here in MN - and velcroed them together to make a little pillow I could hug and sleep on. After a night or twoeven that did n't seem close enough so I decided to sleep on her dog bed - a huge orthopedic on so I almost fit (see what I mean about being a solo and having a much wider range of stuff to do?). Ashes day was hard but by that time i'd decided to buy on of the soft pillows they sell on this site - they're pricey but it was very worth it. They are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO soft and you can hug them and shower them with tears as much and as often as you want. Gretta was a soft dog, so it seemed a much better choice than a wooden urn, although now a dear colleague of mine is making me one just because he cares!

This site has been a true lifesaver. Out of all the sites on the net, it must have been Gretta still taking care of me by guiding my fingers to this one. It has been increadible. Everyone here understands! And even thoughI'm a little further along on this long and lonesome road, writing to help and comfort others returns itself to me a hundredfold.

To manage work, I pretty much robot-walked through it - still am on some days. I've been a corporate trainer for 20+ years so I have plenty of experience "acting" - putting on a public face no matter what's going on inside.On the advice of my sister, who has had C-o-c-k-e-r- spaniels for over 30 years, I started writing to gretta - telling her how much I love her and miss her and all the things she meant to me. (BTW - she also told me you never 'get over it' - that she still cries sometimes when she remembers her long-ago doggies.) This has turned into a diary of what I did that day (or week) and a bunch of "Remembers" like "Remember that nice old man we used to meet on noon walks who always gave you treats? I saw him again today." I've become pretty unfaithful about that writing and feel badly about that. Today is an easy day so I'll go back to it and tell her how sorry I am and that I haven't forgotten her.

One thing I DO believe that helps me a lot is that animal minds and souls are far different from human minds. Our minds pile on layer after layer after layer of guilt, regret, anxiety, worry, remorse, interpretation, projections, etc. etc. etc. Is it any wonder that half or more of the US population takes some kind of prescribed psychotropic med (including me)! Animals are not like this. They have it figured out. They are constant. They don't 'catastrophize' or '&%^yze' like we do. They feel our love and KNOW that love is forever in both directions - past and future. I firmly believe that our special soul-animals can and do see into our very soul and KNOW what is there and real and what is just human junk. (They must feel awfully sorry for us for what we do to ourselves!). We love the. They love us. Always has been. Always will be. Period. This means that they are always with us - they have just changed form. And they're still "on the job" - guiding us, teaching us, leading us, nudging, us, keeping us out of harm's way, pushing us into being just 1% as good beings as they are. The absolute hardest lesson they make us learn - the one we're all learning no - the one that hurst like you heart has been shot out by a high-powered rifle - is that we have enough love for them to voluntarily, eyes wide open, take on THE most excruciating pain this world has to offer - out of love for them. We release them from their earthly pain and suffering and set them free to go back to the Perfect World of complete safety, health, happiness, joy, friendship ..... everything good. And we do this by taking on this awful experience of separation and loneliness and despair. But they ARE still just a breath away. And as Moonbeam said on one thread, they carry a piece of our souls with them and we carry a piece of their souls with us. And this has been true since time began and will remain true until/if time ends. So we CANNOT "forget" them - it would be likee forgetting ourselves.

So people here, like you, have visits from their invisible soul-mates. I think that's what you dream was - you and Ollie sitting together in teh dark, just sitting and being together. I think that was Ollie telling you that she know your world is dark right now but she's with you just like before - and trying to give you some reassurance of that. What a gift!

There's so much more, Terri - but I'm skittish about this site cancelling me out again, so I'll end here for today.

Just know that Ollie is as close as she ever was - you just can't see her and that HURTS. Gretta and Rufus (a story for another day) and i send you our love and some shoulders to carry a little of your burden today.

With love,

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[Ollie's Mama]

Hi, moon_beam, leejaye, and Gretta's Mom! Thank you all so, so much for your loving and comforting messages. I have no words to describe how touched I am by your caring and how grateful I am for your love and support. You bring me such comfort and are such wonderful friends.

I am so sorry I took so long to reply. Ollie's sister Pooky randomly threw up and inhaled a little of the contents, resulting in a mild case of aspiration pneumonia requiring antibiotics, x-rays, and an ultrasound, so I've been busy the past few days taking care of her. I really freaked out when it happened - I was absolutely terrified that she'd get really sick like Ollie did. Fortunately, the pneumonia was very mild, and she is almost back to her usual self. It seems that she has mild inflammatory bowel disease (like Ollie did in addition to his kidney disease, although his was more severe), which is probably what made her vomit. We are going to try to adjust her diet to help with that. The good news is that the ultrasound showed she is pretty healthy other than that. : )

moon_beam, thank you so much for your constant encouragement and caring advice. I always come back to read what you've written when I'm having a tough time. I like what you said about Ollie being with me in real time; that totally makes sense. : ) Today we went over to my cousin's house to watch the Fourth of July fireworks, and while I was watching them, I could almost feel Ollie by my side watching them with me. I still talk to Ollie and Dingo and really hope they can hear me - I believe that they can. How nice that you still talk to all of your babies!

Thank you so much for sharing with me what comforted you during the tough times. I am still working on adjusting to Ollie's absence - the other day, I got really sad because I couldn't find any physical evidence of him anywhere in the room. Ollie had long hair and would usually leave some of it everywhere, but I didn't see any around and was really sad - it felt like he never even existed, which is silly, of course, since I have tons of memories and pictures and other "proof" that he was here and that I love him, but I felt that way nonetheless. So I just hugged the blanket I always used to wrap the both of us up while we were sitting on the couch, and that helped (I really don't want to wash that blanket ever again!). I also have a few short videos of Ollie that I watch when I want to have a little "visit" with him.

leejaye, thank you so much for your sweet message. I know your beautiful Mischief must have loved the sweet peas. You're right - there's no way they have left us after all that we've shared. Thank you so much for your kind words and for always checking to see how I'm doing - I really appreciate it.

Gretta's Mom, I was so touched that you poured out your heart to help me not only once, but twice! Thank you so much for taking the time to re-construct your message - I am so sorry you lost the original one. And thank you so much for the love from you, Gretta, and Rufus. I think you are so right about my dream - I hadn't thought about it that way, but it really makes sense - thank you for seeing that! : )

Thank you for sharing so much about Gretta. I don't think that anything you did was odd at all. If Ollie hadn't rejected every cat bed he'd ever come across, I'm pretty sure I'd be trying to cram myself into it. : ) And I think your snowsuit idea was super-creative!

I was inspired by your soft pillow idea and ordered a tiny stuffed toy made to look like Ollie - I know it won't be him, of course, but at least it'll be something tangible to hold when I'm feeling sad. And I got a small journal so I can write something to Ollie if I feel like it, or just write down whatever's floating around in my head. Thank you so much for the good ideas!

By the way, I can't tell you how much I loved what you said about animal minds being different from human minds, especially that "They feel our love and KNOW that love is forever in both directions - past and future," and that "our special soul-animals can and do see into our very soul and KNOW what is there and real and what is just human junk. (They must feel awfully sorry for us for what we do to ourselves!) We love them. They love us. Always has been. Always will be. Period." Such wise insights - I will meditate on that over the next few days.

Thank you all for staying with me and for being such great and compassionate friends. I wish for healing and hope and peace for all of us - thank you so much again!

Love,
Terri

[moon_beam]

Hi, Terri, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Pooky are doing. I am so relieved to know that she is doing better. Of course your focus of attention needs to be on her - - first and always. I hope the adjustment in her diet helps her with the IBD. Please do let us know how she does.

Terri, it is an honor to be of comfort, encouragement, and hope to you during your grief adjustment journey. We are here for each other, my friend, and it is through the collective and individual sharing of our experiences that we find the strength and courage to endure through one of the most painful experiences we will ever know on this side of eternity - - the physical absence of our beloved companions.

Terri, thank you again so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Pooky are doing. I hope today is being kind to you both, and that your evenings will blessed with your precious Ollie's and Dingo's sweet Living Spirits to comfort and cheer you. Please know you and your sweet Pooky are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Ollie's Mama]

Hi, moon_beam and everyone! moon_beam, I am so, so sorry for taking so long to reply to your very kind message. Thank you again, my friend, for your comforting words and for always being there.

Computer problems and new Pooky health issues have been the reasons for my absence. Although I wasn't able to post, I have been thinking of you all every day and wishing you comfort and peace.

Pooky's IBD seems to be under control with the dietary changes we made, but a new issue came up - her blood pressure, thyroid level, and heart rate all spiked up dangerously high suddenly. After several weeks of medication and frequent testing, it finally seems to be under control, although my vet is still working on figuring everything out. It's a very strange coincidence, but how we figured out anything was wrong at all was because of Ollie (Ollie's blood pressure had spiked up super-high because of his kidney failure (Pooky's kidneys are fine, thankfully), and his retinas became detached, leaving him blind - seeing him start to bump into things was the only way we knew something had happened blood pressure-wise). Pooky is very sure-footed, and it was only when Ty and I noticed her almost bumping into a box that we figured out something was wrong and rushed her to the vet. If it hadn't been for what Ollie had gone through, we probably wouldn't have recognized she had high blood pressure until she had had a stroke or heart attack or worse. So Ollie managed to help his sister even from up above. : ) This was comforting to me because one of things I continued to beat myself up about was why Ollie had to go through the whole blood pressure/blindness ordeal. Maybe it was to save his sister's life later.

It will be two months tomorrow since Ollie has been gone. I wish I could say that I haven't cried every single day for the last two months, but I can't. I still miss him so, so much. Life goes on because it has to, but the world is definitely a much darker place without my boys. I never got over losing Dingo and know the same will be true for Ollie (even more so because Ollie was glued to my hip)...but that is the price I have to pay for having had such an intense bond with them, and if I had to do it all over again, it was still worth it despite the pain. : )

I hope all of you are doing as well as possible - I will try to catch up on everyone's updates and write whenever I get a chance. You are all in my thoughts every day and in my prayers every single night...love you all and hope everyone's doing okay.

Love,
Terri

P.S. Here's a recent photo of my Pooky girl. : )

[moon_beam]

Hi, Terri, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precoius Pookyare doing. I am so very sorry that your precious Pooky has had so many serious health issues, but am ever so very thankful to share the news with you that she is doing better.

Terri, this grief journey takes time - - LOTS of time - - to "adjust" to the physical absence our beloved companions - - of your beloved Ollie. This adjustment journey is very painful - - both emotionally and physically - - and crying is very healthy. So, let the tears flow, Terri - - for they are literally healing tears. One day when you least expect it you will begin to notice that instead of crying you will find yourself smiling. This in no way means you are forgetting your beloved Ollie - - instead it means that your heart is once again being able to feel the joy of your beloved Ollie's sweet Living Spirit - - and this is what your beloved Ollie wants for you.

Thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful picture of your precious Pooky with us. She is adorable!! I hope she continues to do well in her recovery and day to day health. I hope today is being kind to you. Please know you and your precious Pooky are close in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Ollie's Mama]

Hi, moon_beam! Thank you so much for your beautiful, kind words once again, and for the compliment and good wishes for Pooky. Your support and prayers mean the world to me. And I know Pooky can't get enough of being called adorable. : )

My little girl is doing pretty well this week and will go in to the vet's for another check-up on Friday. We are so grateful to have her, and I am trying not to be scared/freaked out about every health issue that comes up for her, but it's hard. Thank you for keeping her in your prayers.

You are right that this is a very long journey, and not only for me. My little (human) son is breaking my heart these days...every once in a while, he'll burst into tears and tell me that he really misses Dingo and Ollie and wants them back. Ty and I put up some photos of Ollie, Pooky, and Dingo in our bedroom, and our son started crying and said he wanted the pictures in his room instead of ours. I promised him that I would frame some photos I took of him together with the furry kids and put them in his room, which seemed to make him feel better. He is such a good little boy - we always tried to teach him to be gentle with the babies, especially since they were all pretty elderly when he came along - and he loved them so, so much. I am glad he is a kind little boy and loves animals so much, but my heart is hurting for him right now. We are trying to be very open with him and aren't trying to conceal our grief - he knows we're all sad.

And Ty has realized he's been pretty depressed lately without his work buddy by his side...we are all working through the grief, but it's like our little family is living with a dark shadow right now, especially since it will be one year next month since we lost Dingo. : (

I don't mean to sound so gloomy - we are hanging in there and are still very grateful for the happy lives Ollie and Dingo led. : ) We just miss our boys and will forever.

Thanks so much for listening - I hope you are doing well! Bless you for taking the time to help so many people here, and thank you to everyone for all of your caring and support.

Love,
Terri

[moon_beam]

Hi, Terri, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you, your precious Pooky, your husband, and your son are doing. What a WONDERFUL solution to help your son through his grief - - "I promised him that I would frame some photos I took of him together with the furry kids and put them in his room, which seemed to make him feel better." Clinical professionals agree that the physical loss of a beloved companion is usually the first experience a child has, and forms the foundation of how they feel about and cope with future losses of loved ones - - be they human or other beloved companions. It warms my heart that you and your family are sharing your grief journey together.

And I'm so glad to know that your precious Pooky seems to be doing better healthwise. I hope and pray that her check up tomorrow will give her a good report - - which I know will help ease the concern that has been in your heart these weeks. I'm smiling at your comment: "And I know Pooky can't get enough of being called adorable. : )" When my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle first joined her new home she had a wound on her neck that needed daily cleaning for about a month (it was the result of fly larvae that had to be surgically removed). I would sit her on the bathroom sink vanity and I would tell her how beautiful she is and what a very good girl she is, and after I was finished I would pick her up in my arms and hold her in front of the mirror and tell her again what a beautiful girl she is. She would look into the mirror and just stare for a moment or two, and then she would nuzzle me under my chin. I miss my beautiful little girl, too, as I know Noah misses his baby sister.

So, I can so well relate to your very wonderful observation: "don't mean to sound so gloomy - we are hanging in there and are still very grateful for the happy lives Ollie and Dingo led. : ) We just miss our boys and will forever." No amount of time will ever "fill the void" that is in our hearts - - for that piece of us which is missing is the piece that our beloved companions take with them when they join the angels. But what helps us through this time of "adjustment" are our treasured memories and the warmth of our companions' sweet Living Spirits which are forever with us - - forever a heartbeat close to us.

I hope today is being kind to you, your precious Pooky, and your family, Terri. Thank you again so very much for sharing your beloved, precious companions with us. Please know you, your precious Pooky, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to sharing your news whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Ollie's mom,

It's been a while since I've been here - my sister lost her MOST special c-o-c-k-e-r spaniel Trevor a couple of weeks ago and I went to spend some time with her. Boy, does one ever feel helpless in the face of such huge grief.

How is little Pooky? How is her health? She IS adorable .... and we'll never get tired of saying that. You,too, are a princess - for loving so much and taking care of so well. Only a courageous person would open your heart to so many.

I'm a little farther along in the grief journey - past the shot-in-the-heart stage, past the robot-walk stage, mostly past the carrying-around-a-concrete-block-on-my-heart and on to what I think is probably the "heart condition" that will last as long as I'm on this earth. It's a lump of sadness in the heart. Because it's always there, I cry easily - like every time I post here. But you hurt in proportion as you love ... so it's actually a honor to continue to feel the remembrance.

Please let us know how Little Pooky is doing. We're all rooting for her - and you.

Your LS friend,

Gretta's mom

[Ollie's Mama]

Hi, moon_beam, Gretta's Mom, and everyone! moon_beam, I am so sorry for taking so long to reply to your beautiful post. So many tears fell as I read about how lovingly you cared for your precious Abbygayle. She must have felt so completely surrounded by love. I know she was so blessed to have you for her mom, and I know how much your heart and Noah's heart must still hurt from missing her. Thank you so much for sharing those loving moments you spent with your girl with me. And thank you for always being such a rock for me and for so many here, no matter how long we might take to write back. : ) You are an angel!

We have been busy trying to keep Pooky's blood pressure and hyperthyroidism under control...she is doing pretty well now, but it took quite a bit of adjustment regarding her medications to keep things at a good level. She has been getting her blood pressure checked weekly; it was a little high the last time we went in, so my vet increased her dosage, and we'll see on Friday if that has helped. Thank you, moon_beam and Gretta's Mom, for keeping little Pooky in your thoughts and prayers.

I hadn't thought about it until I read your post, moon_beam, but you are totally right that a child's first experience of loss must lay the foundation for how he deals with future losses. Thank you so much for reminding me about that and for your encouragement regarding helping my little one deal with his grief. My grandmother passed away after a long battle with cancer when my sister and I were quite young, and how everything happened affected my sister (who is younger than I am) very profoundly. She still has an especially difficult time dealing with loss all these years later. I know I won't be able to protect my son from everything life throws at him, but I want him to be as well equipped to deal with things as he can be, and knowing it's okay to grieve is very important.

Gretta's Mom, thank you so much for your very kind message! I think of you, Rufus, and Gretta all the time. I am really behind on posting, but I have been following your journey with Rufus and cheering for you both. I have also been following Bobbie's story; I am so, so sorry for her heartbreaking loss of her beautiful Trevor. I am so sorry your family has had to go through so much. I know you have been missing your Gretta a lot - thank you so much for always reaching out to me amidst your own grief. And thank you so much for asking about Pooky and for your kind words. You have helped so many on this site, especially me. : )

I continue to hang in there...today, Ollie has been gone three months, and a few days ago, Dingo had been gone one year. I've cried a lot over the past few days. My husband was kind of worried that I was still crying about Dingo a full year later, but I explained to him that I thought it was totally normal to be pretty sad on the anniversaries of our babies passing. Like I mentioned before, life goes on because it has to, but I don't know if the emptiness in my heart will every truly lift. As Gretta's Mom said, you hurt in proportion to your love, so...I must have loved Ollie and Dingo a whole lot, which is a good thing despite all the pain involved.

I have a shirt next to my bed that needs washing, but I can't bring myself to wash it because it was the shirt I was wearing when I last held Ollie. I wanted to hold him so badly at the end, but I wasn't able to because he was having a lot of trouble breathing, and my vet thought he would be more comfortable if we didn't move him, so we of course decided not to move him. I just wish I could hold him again now. I know you all wish you could hold your babies again, too.

Thank you both again for your love and compassion and caring and support. You are both very dear people and great friends. Hopefully, things will calm down a bit around here so I can catch up on writing everyone - talk to you all again very soon! : )

Love,
Terri

[leejaye]

Dear Terri, I also have the shirt I was wearing last time I held my girl - I won't be washing it, my partner is making me a special box out of some really rare timber we sourced, all her things, and that shirt, will be going in it...and of course, 4 months on, I still hug her blanket when I need, too...I agree with you, it's a healthy recognition of our love to grieve and acknowledge the anniversaries, and your son is so lucky to have a mum who knows this...I'm sorry I'm not more articulate today, just wanted to say I was thinking of you and Ollie and Dingo and sending some good energy to Pooky, hugs, Leejaye

[moon_beam]

Hi, Terri, thank you so much for sharing with us how you, your son, and Pooky are doing. It IS perfectly NORMAL for the angel-versaries to bring to the forefront of our hearts and minds those who we love who are now with the angels. In time - - lots of time - - the deep pain that we feel will ease so that we can focus on our cherished memories with a happier heart - - but it takes time, one day at a time.

I'm so glad to know that Pooky is doing better with her blood pressure. High blood pressure in our precious companions has the same health effects as it does with humans, and I'm so glad your vet is helping you keep track of her progress. I hope her check up tomorrow goes well, and will look forward to knowing how things go - - whenever possible.

I hope life is treating you, your family, and Pooky kindly today. Thank you so very much for sharing with us how each of you are doing. Please know you, your family, and Pooky are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to sharing your news whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Terri

Most definitely do NOT wash the shirt! How wonderful that your partner is making you a treasure box for it. I know I'll NEVER EVER give up Gretta's pink sweater. I'll be holding in in my grave.

Yeah, our animals must think we humans are pretty "handicapped". Things have to be right in front of us for us to consider them real. Not so those lucky fur guys. They see into the heart, feelings are a real and tangible as food is to us. They can see past all our mistakes and missteps - thank goodness. They've come from forever and have returned to forever ... we're just a little bit slow to follow them.

Here are some e-hugs for you today.

Gretta's mom