My Zoe Options

[Erin]

Thanks Gretta's mom. I can't even give a proper response because I'm so exhausted. I can't really think straight.

I have this stuffed black dog I got at Toys R' Us years ago because it reminded me of her. On the day she left I took one of her old collars and one of her bandannas and put it on the stuffed dog. I hug that fiercely when I'm lost in my grief. A few days after it happened I had a dream I lost the stuffed dog. I went searching all over my house and in the dream I was either telling my family "I need to find her" or they were saying something like "Oh no she lost her", it's difficult to remember the words. I ended up finding her though, in my brothers room. It's a floppy sort of stuffed animal but in my dream it was sitting like she used to. My friend says this is a good sign. I've had four dreams about her so far. Have you guys dreamed about your babies? None of them feel like they have meaning or like she's visiting me in my dreams to tell me she's okay and happy and safe. I think they're just dreams. I'm going to start writing them down as best I could.

My family is able to do the "remember when she used to" thing and laugh about all the good memories. I'm not there yet. Sometimes it gets so bad that I literally lose my mind and just wonder where she is.

I miss my best perfect baby girl. I miss her soft little ears her saggy skin.

I called her "Pig" or "Piggy" for years because she loved food so much. If I had a song stuck in my head I would take out certain words and add her name to the song and laugh at all the silly songs I came up with. I still do it sometimes and it makes me sad.

When she was tied out in the front yard and I came home from wherever I was, I would get out of my car and she would be standing in the yard staring, and I would do this thing where I would have a serious look on my face and walk really slow, and then I'd smile and hold out my arms and she would come running and hopping over to me.

I'm not sure what happens after we die, I don't really have any religion to speak of. I don't know what to believe but if I could never have another thing for as long as I lived all I want is to spend eternity playing with her after I die. Playing with her and laying in the grass with her. I'm afraid I won't see her again when I die and now I'm worried about our existence having no meaning at all.

Sorry, tired rambling again.

[Gretta's Mom]

Oh Erin

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all kinds of existential crises at the same time. Yeah, I have occasional doubts about the Perfect World and about seeing our babies and playing with them forever. But the way I have it figured there are only two possibilities and NOBODY knows which one is correct. I know that if I didn't have some kind of belief in forever-life, I'd go crazy (literally). I heard from a great Black preacher once that faith was a choice - you CHOOSE what to believe in. So I'm going with what most people around the world believe (they MUST be on to something - I mean billions of people aren't likely to be absolutely wrong) - that souls are forever, always were, always will be. And that means love is forever - always was, always will be. It doesn't make sense that the life-changing love we have with our spirit-animals (and not every animal is one of those) just vaporizes when they pass into the next state. No creator would be THAT cruel. So that's my story and I'm stickin' with it :) . Who knows what the meaning of life is - but I think it is to love and be loved, to do good, to try to make others' lives just a littlel bit easier - and who does that better than our spirit animals. Your instinct to make a little altar is spot on. I've got a little spot, too, with a picture of Gretta and a candle. (I'm a scientist - the very kind of person who should be the most skeptical about this - NOT.) Another good friend pointed out to me that there are no atheists on a lifeboat! You're SO on the right track - even though it's absolute agony. You wouldn't hurt so bad if your heart wasn't so good and if you didn't love and weren't loved by your Abby. The pain will dull eventually but you'll still shed tears over Abby - for the rest of your life. She's got a piece of your heart and you of hers.

I'm so sorry a bright young person like yourself has to learn about all this at such a young age. I think that's a sign that extraordinary things are in store for your life. All because of Abby. Now ..... it THAT a gift!

Thank you for reaching out to me through your blinding tears, Erin. I'm here, we're here, we care and are cared for by out Lightning Strike friends.

Here's hoping for just a few tiny moments of relief and peace for you today. Remember, Abby is playing like never before - and guiding you every step of the way.

Gretta's mom

[moon_beam]

"I'm going to start writing them down as best I could."

Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is an excellent idea for you to write down your dreams as best you can. Some folks find it very comforting to keep a journal of their thoughts, special memories, songs, etc.. It not only enables the capture of special treasured memories, but it can also help in releasing some of the deep grief in our hearts.

I'm smiling at your putting one of Abby's collars and bandanas on the stuffed toy. I did something similar with a life-size stuffed Black Lab I got from a local specialty store many years ago. I put his collars and seatbelt / walking harness on it, and it's in one of the corners of the basement living quarters where I see it very clearly. I smile now when I look at him - - for in my heart I'm looking at my Oslo and this brings great comfort and joy to my heart.

"I'm not sure what happens after we die, I don't really have any religion to speak of. I don't know what to believe but if I could never have another thing for as long as I lived all I want is to spend eternity playing with her after I die."

Erin, you don't need to have a specific "religion" in order to believe with all your heart that love is eternal and enduring. None of us know exactly what happens when we die. But where there is love - - true love - - as we share with our beloved companions - - then there is also hope and faith. There is a quote in the Bible that says, "Faith, hope, and love - - these three - - but the greatest of these is love." So, dear Erin, hold fast onto the love that you and your precious Abby share - - yes, present tense - - for love is eternal - - it is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. And hold onto your hope, for hope is what keeps our hearts alive for better things - - and one of the better things we can hope for is to be in eternal joy with our beloved companions at our appropriate time.

There is another quote in the Bible that reads, "Faith is the thing hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." It is my sincerest hope, Erin, that as your deep grief eases you will be able to have faith, even as small as a mustard seed, that will sustain the hope in your heart as you continue through your earthly journey that you WILL BE reunited with your beloved Abby in eternal joy at your appropriate time.

And please know, Erin, I'm only using these quotes because they speak to my heart, and hopefully they will help to bring comfort and encouragement to you. They are universal words of hope and encouragement to everyone - - they are not bound by or to any specific "religion."

"I'm worried about our existence having no meaning at all." Erin, I promise you with all my heart that your and Abby's existence DOES have meaning, even though right now your heart is questioning everything. This is part of this grief journey, Erin, particularly the deep grief - - when NOTHING makes sense at all. Unfortunately there are no "instructions" that go with this grief journey - - no "Put tab A into slot B". It's a journey that especially during the deep grief leaves us feeling like we're "rambling" - - disconnected - - lost -- exhausted. I promise you, Erin, this, too, shall pass. One day, probably when you least expect it, you will find yourself thinking of your precious Abby and you will find yourself smiling - - and when this happens, Erin, you will begin to know that your precious Abby's sweet Living Spirit is still with you, and your heart will be filled with a "newness" - - and this is a good thing. It just takes time, Erin, - - healing time.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Erin. I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Erin, and look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Erin]

Thank you everyone, I feel like I'm getting a little better, though every time I say that I lose control again. I cried a little last night when I was holding her collar. I bought some candle holders and a really pretty frame to put a picture of her in. I cleared a spot on my dresser to start a little altar.

I want to know what you guys think of something, my family believes Zoe's spirit is still in the house. My sister Jen walked into her bedroom and gasped because she could have sworn Zoe was on her bed. Then she said she heard one of Zoe's "complaints". It's hard to describe how she used to complain, but I took a video of her shortly before she left of her complaining to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F46nV2tnbPQ

I sleep in the laundry room, don't mind the washer and dryer lol.

Another thing is sometimes Guinness gets really nervous and keeps looking down the hall. And then he gets so scared that he runs into the basement. We thought it was because we were getting thunderstorms but he's been doing it without the storms. My mom says she feels better knowing that her spirit may be in the house. I have no experience with Zoe's spirit yet. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. Does it mean she's just watching over us or does it mean that she's upset because she wasn't ready to die? Also, if her spirit is here then what's going to happen if I move out? I can't really feel her here anyway but what if I start to feel her?

[moon_beam]

Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is very common for family members to feel the presence of beloved companions who are now with the angels. It is something to enjoy, to be comforted by.

Don't be concerned that you are not "feeling" your precious Zoe's spirit. You are still in deep grief, so you may not be able to feel her spirit presence right now. BUT - - she IS forever in your heart, so wherever you go and whatever you do she is ALWAYS with you, she is ALWAYS a heartbeat close to you. So, don't worry about where you live or that you don't "feel" her Living Spirit presence. Perhaps in time you will - - someday when you least expect it.

The special shrine that you're making on your dresser sounds WONDERFUL. ENJOY this very special memorial that will be just between you and your precious Zoe.

Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I hope today is being kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Erin,

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Are you still in the "somebody shot me in the heart" place or are you starting to feel that huge concrete slab you feel like you're going to carry around for the rest of your life? I think Moonbeam is right about your family having visits from Zoe but not you yet. Zoe knows she can count on you, she knows you are strong - even though you feel like a wisp of cottonwood seed. She knows you're wise - even though right now NOTHING makes sense. Some days you feel lucky just to be abel to correctly answer the question, "What's you name?" most of all Zoe knows you love her and she loves you - just like when you two could see, hear and touch each other. You are Zoe's soul-sister. You and she are one being. You're her rock in this universe. She knows it and she knows you know she knows it. She's taking her time and handling your heart carefully - because part of it is with her.

Breathe deeply and move slowly ...... we're here and we care.

Gretta's mom

[Erin]

Maybe that is why I can't feel her yet. I know right now if she came to me I'd probably die if she left again. I'm so tired all the time. I think I'm in both "someone shot me in the heart" and "carrying a concrete slab around" phases. I cry every night. I keep replaying the scene of her at the hospital even though I wasn't even there.

[Erin]

The house even smells different. And it's too quiet at night without her long sighing snores.

[Bobbie]

Dear Erin,

I am sorry that I haven't been on the site for awhile. Being pulled in about 1,000 directions at once. But there hasn't been a day that you haven't been in my thoughts and prayers. Zoe, too.

I hope that time has begun to work it's healing work with you, even if it's just a bit. I am thankful that you posted pictures of Zoe. I can see what a happy girl she is in them. She exudes love. I can also see why you miss her so much. What a doll! I think your setting aside a special place to honor her is a terrific idea. I have pictures of my boys all around the house and, because they are buried in a pet cemetery, I decorate each grave all year 'round. And talk??? I talk to every one of them, all the time. When I am here with Trevor, I jabber constantly. In fact, I do it so much, that I'm starting to do it out in public! But that's OK, too because people just think I'm a crazy ol' lady, which suits me fine.

Please don't worry about "feeling" Zoe or her spirit. I have only felt one of my boys' presence one time and that was it. I was sleeping and shen I turned over I felt the weight of his body next to my curled legs. Of course, I woke up and nothing physical was there, but..... That was the only time and i've had dogs for over 30 years. I am so glad that others feel a spirit presence with their companions. But I don't think it is absolutely necessary for the healing process to continue. My first loss was the absolute hardest. But then each subsequent loss was just as difficult and crushing. The only difference was my knowledge that a) I would survive the piercing sadness; the pain would gradually evolve into a peaceful thankfulness for having had my boy(s) in my life; c) many, many people truly understand your loss; d) nothing else matters.

You are a wonderful young woman. You have the stength to build the legacy that is Zoe. Many, many of us support you constantly and look forward to learning more about your amazing Zoe!

Blessings.....................
Bobbie

[Erin]

Thank you. I still talk to my baby girl. Even if it's just in my head sometimes. I bought a little stuffed pig because I used to call her Piggy to put on her altar. When I put it there I talked to her like I was giving her a new toy and my heart broke all over again. I am getting better, I didn't cry last night. I also planted two rose bushes in her honor (though the one isn't growing )

I tell her I love her every night before I go to bed.