My Sweet Spooky 5/17/97-12/23/10 Options

[Christina R.]

I lost my sweet dog Spooky 48 hours ago and I don't know what to do with myself. She was amazing and my constant companion for 13 1/2 years. I am so utterly pained right now. I'm just broken ....

The pain seems to get worse and my sobs seem to get louder ... I can't believe this has happened.

My sweet little girl was a Chihuahua/Min Pin mix and we were attached at the hip. I was her person ... and she let everyone know that. She's weathered so many storms with me and given me so much love and comfort - it's hard to fathom my world without her in it.

I had to have back surgery two months ago and have been laid up in bed ever since and she happily stayed by my side night and day. Unexpectedly, two and a half weeks ago she started having trouble walking. I've been living with my parents for the past 2 1/2 years, going back to school to start a new life for myself ... and when Spooky's problems started, I had to ask for help to get her in and out of the bed. It was torture watching my baby girl struggling to walk and not be able to help her. Torture. My brother, her veterinarian, thought there she might have an infection in her spine, but every antibiotic we tried didn't help. Her condition declined so fast, it was awful. This week she couldn't walk at all and I prayed she would get better ... but it didn't happen. I cannot express the agonizing frustration I experienced not being able to lift her off the ground ... my stupid back.

Her last day here, my poor little girl was unable to walk, she could only sit up for a few minutes at a time, and she wouldn't eat and couldn't get her tongue to work right - just drinking was a chore. My little girl ... I know she didn't understand what was happening to her - she looked so scared every time she fell over. My brother thinks little Spooky had some sort of tumor in her brain that was causing her to lose her motor function. He told me I would know when it was time to let her go ... and I did. 48 hours ago, I gave my sweet baby girl the gift of peace and freedom from her failing body.

I'm just so broken up about it. I miss her so much and the loss is tremendous. I feel like a whole has been punched through my world and I'm in pieces.

I'm broken and feel so alone. How do I move on from this when I can't breath without thinking of her.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Christina, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion Spooky. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be healed and restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Christina, this grief journey is a very difficult one for it is filled with so many emotions that overwhelm us, sometimes all at one time. It can feel as though we are drowning, or falling into a deep abyss of darkness, or on a horror roller coaster ride. Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation, and this is one of the many reasons why it is so very painful - - both physically and emotionally - - when they precede us to the angels. Hopefully in time as the deep grief passes, you will come to understand that it is only your precious Spooky's physical presence that is absent from your life. For the love bond you and your precious Spooky shared during her earthly journey with you is eternal, Christina - - love is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. Still, I know this is little comfort right now to your breaking, shattered heart. But it is my sincerest prayer that you will find hope in knowing that your precious Spooky's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and meomories, and she is sharing your life now just as she always has, and always will.

It is important for you to know you are not alone in this grief journey, Christina. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are always among friends here.

Christina, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Cheryl83]

Christina,

I am so very sorry for the devastating loss of your beautiful little girl. It hurts to even think of the pain you're in right now - the raw, unbearable agony; the feeling of being kicked in your stomach; the feeling of it hurting to even breathe. Trust me, I have been there, and trust me when I say that it does get easier. Not easy, but easier. I know that's hard to believe right now. I didn't believe it when people said it to me. But time - and tears - really are healers. It's important that you allow yourself to grieve and do whatever you need to do - cry if you need to cry, scream if you need to scream -- let it all out. It's also important to know that you're not alone. Everyone on this wonderful forum understand what you're going through, so whenever you feel the need to talk, just come online. We are all here for you, and will be wondering how you're doing. Just like your precious Spooky is STILL here for you. An angel watching over you. In your heart, and in your memories, always.

Take care and take each day at a time.

Cheryl xx

[Christina R.]

72 hours now ... unbelievable. I still can't believe this has happened. My sweet little girl ... I miss you so much. I can't believe you are gone ... I can't believe it.

[janika]

Dear Christina

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little Spooky. What a darling she is. I love the picture that you posted.
I can only echo what Moonbeam and Cheryl have said. I just wish that we could take away the pain for you, but please know that I am thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs for you at this dreadful time.

Spooky will be with you in your heart and soul for ever. She will be watching over you and wanting you to heal and remember all the 'happy' times you've shared.

Please come back whenever you can and let us know how you are, and maybe tell us more about your darling Spooky, when you feel able of course. I did find that it helped me immensely to be able to talk on here about my Angels, Tasha and Noushka.

Big hugs from
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

[Lulu's Mom]

72 hours now ... unbelievable. I still can't believe this has happened. My sweet little girl ... I miss you so much. I can't believe you are gone ... I can't believe it.

Well, Christina, you and I are in the same boat. I put Lulu down Wednesday morning. I am hurting horribly as well. The saddest thing about grief is that the rest of the world goes on without a care. I can't sleep and when I do, the first thought that pops into my head is how much leg room I have in bed and the reason why. That has been the start of my day since Thursday.

I am going to cut and paste excerpts from an email I sent to a friend this morning so you can see where I am coming from.

I have to say this Christmas was absolutely one of the saddest I have ever had. Last week was hell. On Monday, Sloane got her wisdom teeth removed and on Wednesday she had her tonsils removed. As we are getting ready to leave for the hospital, I noticed all of a sudden that my puppy girl’s back legs stopped working right. I called my Mom, rushed Sloane the hospital, Mom brought Lulu to the vet, then she came and met me and we exchanged places. It was hurry, hurry hurry. Lulu waited for me at the vet…when I got there, she was in bad shape. I knew it was time. I petted her and told her it was ok to go, how much I loved her, how much a part of my family she is. After two minutes or so, she slipped into a coma and I gave the ok for the “shot”. I was a bawling mess. I had that dog for 14 years and she was like a child to me. Crying now as I type this. 3 days before Christmas! And my son was here, who I had not seen in 6 months! Where is the justice in that?

I was always raised with dogs and always will have one. They become part of the family and I miss her SO MUCH. I am surprised by how much as I knew her time was limited. She was my shadow; I could not even take a bath without her sitting on the bath mat by my side. I mean literally. The night before, I was going to the bathroom and she was licking my leg as I sat on the potty and I laughed and told her “Thanks, Lu, I already had a bath today.”

I tried to soldier on through Christmas, but was dead inside. Elvis and I had a Blue Christmas. I had to go straight back to the hospital after putting Lu down. I bawled non-stop and didn’t give a hoot who saw me. (I am sure the patients thought I was nuts…like c’mon lady! It is just a darn tonsillectomy! ) The hospital had Christmas music playing. I told the nurse what I had just been through. They played “I’ll be home for Christmas” and I told the nurse if they don’t stop playing that I would need a Valium IV next. It was sweet though, because word spread throughout the unit. All the nurses came in to offer condolences and share a story of theirs. The thing that haunts me is that I did not get to hold her that morning, and really say goodbye as I knew it was time. I had to hurry, hurry, hurry. And she waited for me, as always. I only had 2 precious minutes with her before she went into the coma and then the shot.

It was good to see my son and we had a nice time with the exception of Lulu. I have to think she was waiting for him to come home too.

Oh, how I miss her and it has only been 4 days. I am constantly reminded of her, even as I sit here, she would be laying at my feet. I cooked this morning and cried as I had to pick up food bits off the floor (I miss my gleaner). I immediately de-Lulued the house- food bowl, bed, blankets, etc. My heart aches when I see her empty bowl spot everytime I go by it.

And the worst part - she was 14 yrs. old and had a plethora of health problems and had been declining quickly. I knew it would be soon. But had I known it would be that morning, the night before I would have held her, comforted her, and cried forever. That was taken from me. I only had those 2 minutes and it haunts me. Had it been any other day - to hell with work, I would have held her and comforted her for a long time before that fateful drive. That bothers me the most. Logically I know I could have come home from work to find her already dead, and before this, I thought that would be easier...NOT!

Anyway, I am glad I stumbled upon this site. Once I figure out how to download I will share a picture.

Hugs to all of us - Christie

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[kestle]

Hi I have just read about your precious little darling Spooky. I do know exactly how you are feeling how helpless and devastated you are and your yearning for your little Spooky. I lost my precious little Baby too just 2 weeks ago and i am still in total meltdown just like you.

I know we always think no one else can feel this bad because we loved ours more than anyone else could understand, but believe me when i say that on here we are all at heartbreaking stages of loss and utter grief. Every bone in your body ache,s you feel like you are losing your mind and your heart has been ripped out of your chest.

I am not very good at this, i am still very new like you on here but please believe that the support you will recieve on here will help you through from one day to the next. That is all you can do at the moment. I have just been looking at your little Spooky and words cannot say how beautiful he is. I am 63 years old and have always rescued animals from extremely horrible situations, but you know your little Spooky was, and is, a very lucky little doggy to have you before and now because you are STILL showering him with love and keeping him safe in your heart where he will stay forever. My heart goes out to you and i promise you i am feeling just the same. Please please just open your heart to these lovely people on here as often as you feel you can do it.

LOTS OF LOVE Gloria

[Brutus]

Christina I am so sorry for your loss of Spooky...and Christie for your loss of Lulu, what cutie pies they both were. It has been over a year for me and I still cry and yearn for Brutus...I know right now it doesn't feel like it's ever going to get better, but it will, I couldn't breathe for the first month or two....don't get me wrong, there are still times of intense grief that I cry like the day of, but as time goes on the memories of your precious girls will make you smile more than cry. I will pray that for both of you. Your little angels are playing together right now, I really believe that, I have to. Many hugs to you both on your journey to find peace and acceptance. I will be thinking of you. Remember how lucky you are to have shared your lives with such beautiful little souls...and don't forget to breathe, be kind to yourselves.

Many hugs,
Sonya

[Christina R.]

Thank you all for your heartfelt words ... they are a comfort and it's nice just to be able to express my sorrow.

To Lulu's Mom ... I am so sorry. We are in the same boat and what a horrible boat it is. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. This Christmas was a blur for me and I avoided all family gatherings ... I just couldn't do it. I don't even care. Your story of my little girl's legs not working brings tears to my eyes ... it's so heart-wrenching to see them struggle.

My baby's girl's legs started buckling December 7th and for two weeks I kept hoping the various medicines my brother (her vet) were trying would help ... I just kept hoping. The last few days when we had to use towels and scarves to hold her up so she could go to the bathroom ... and I held a shot glass of water for her to sip ... I still hoped ... but I knew ... I knew it was coming. Wednesday morning she had a hearty appetite and was so bright eyed - I had such hope that whatever was happening was turning around but by nightfall everything changed. She started panting and seemed to really be stressed. I stayed up most of the night and about 4 am I tried I pick her up and hold her ... and she started panting so hard and looked so scared and was trying to balance herself and couldn't ... I just started saying, "it's okay baby, I'm gonna make it better - I'm make it all better - everything is going to be okay - you're good .. you're good ..." In those moments, and in the long time it took to get her breathing normal I knew and I cried and cried.

I fell asleep at some point and woke up several times, each time I did - she was sitting up staring at me ... I would bring her water and she would lay back down and fall asleep ... I had emailed my brother in the night saying it was time and he emailed me back saying that I would know when it was time but we could wait as long as I wanted. I struggled all morning thinking I was being premature ... but that morning, little Spooky wouldn't eat anything. She could barely drink and seemed so defeated. She was almost constantly panting and my father called my brother at his clinic around 4pm and he came over to my house immediately. Before he got there, I carried into the sunshine and talked to her about all her favorite spots and how much I loved her.

She was so weak - I felt so selfish for putting her through that because it was more for me than for her. By the time he arrived she was back on her bed next to my pillow and I was putting her and telling her how much I loved her ... she went so quick and I cried the whole time.

I cried so much before she left ... I cried for days - first out of worry - then out of dread ... and that last day ... oh god ... I feel so selfish ... I feel so bad for crying hysterically in front of her while she struggled to breath ... I was probably stressing her out ... she was so sensitive and so protective of me ... I feel that I added to her pain and it's a horrible feeling.

I have asked myself a hundred times if it would be easier having those few days knowing she was going and watching her decline, or if her going in her sleep would have been easier for me ... and then I stop and get so mad at myself for thinking about ME ... oh god ... I just don't know.

So, Lulu's Mom, I can totally understand your questioning the moment - wishing you had more time at the end ... I feel the reverse sometimes ... like I had too much time - and not enough at the same time. I don't think there would ever be enough time. I don't know if that is ever possible ...

It's so hard ... coming to terms with this loss. So hard ...

Every evening, we have a ritual in this house ... when we get ready for bed - we let the dogs out one last time and then have them sit for treats ... and they love this part of the day. Every night my boy, Pungo (who is normally watching TV with my folks in their room!) runs across the house, into my room to fetch his sister, Spooky. He waits for her to get off the bed and then runs outside behind her. I don't know when this started, but it's been one of the funniest things these past 2 years ... Pungo running to get his sister so she can join in on the fun. This evening, my folks made the end of night call and Pungo ran into my room and waited ... and waited ... and then walked into the kitchen and looked around. It really crushed me ... I don't know if he knows what is going on but it was so sad to watch his confusion.

It was a rough moment to get through ... just another one of many ... with many more to come ...

Oh, Spooky girl ... you were so awesome.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Christina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and some of your wonderful memories of your precious Spooky. Anticipatory Grief is as bad as the grief that follows when we are physically separated from our beloved companions. The adage, "While there's life, there's hope" is constantly in our minds, and hearts, and we want our precious companions to always be with us. Unfortunately, their physical bodies are not deisgned for immortality on this side of eternity, and it is both physically and emotionally painful to be physically separated from them. I can so understand what you mean when you say each moment is "just another one of many ... with many more to come to get through. "

This grief journey is one of "adjusting" to the physical absence of our beloved companions. Although our hearts will always yearn for our beloved companions, - - even many years down the road - - , we always have their sweet Living Spirits with us in our hearts and memories. They are always with us sharing our lives just as they always did during their earthly journey with us.

Christina, these are the memories that help us in our "adjustment" for they can never be taken from us, - - not even with the dimming of our minds with age. I promise you this, Christina. I have seen this so many times when Oslo and I did Animal Assisted Therapy visits in hospitals and skilled nursing facilities, and with some hospice patients as well. I have seen "miracles" that brought comfort to patients who were imprisoned in their bodies, and how Oslo's sweet presence comforted them in their departure from this life. So I promise you, Christina, your precious Spooky is always a heartbeat within you.

I hope in some way you will find comfort and encouragement in what I have shared with you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Christina, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Lulu's Mom]

Christina, I too mourned Lu before she was gone. She had heart disease and was on 3 different meds and would have really bad nights that at times I was not sure she would make it through...And I did cry and hold her then. Maybe that was enough. But after I would give her the lasix she would be back to "Old Lu" and I thought we had more time. But I too, would lose it beforehand. I told my parents last week that I did not think she would make it through Christmas....but sadly, I didn't really believe it. I thought we had a few more months.

Like divorce, there is no perfect time. It is always a holiday, somone's birthday, etc. I really would have preferred it not be 3 days before Christmas though. That seems so unfair.

Hang in there, hon. Time will heal us. Let's just be thankful there are others out there who understand.

Hugs-

Christie

[Christina R.]

Thank you all so much for your words. It is a comfort to hear from you all.

Thank you so so much.

[Christina R.]

I'm really missing my girl, Spooky, today. I've missed her everyday but today is a rough one. I still can't believe this is my new reality. I just want things to stop moving forward for a bit - it's just too much.

My other dog, Pungo, has been so sweet to me. I adopted him 2 weeks after I got Spooky and the three of us have been quite the team these last 13 1/2 years. She took care of him, curled up next to him and cleaned his ears - but she also had her moments and liked to be left alone and Pungo gave her just enough space. These last few days, he sleeps on her spot and spends more time with me up on the bed ... but he also just sits and stares at her pictures sometimes. I kills me every time I see it.

Today's a bad day ... my heart hurts today.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Christina, this grief journey can feel like you take one step forward and a hundred steps backward. Some days are easier than others, for sure.

I am so glad you have Pungo with you, and are finding comfort in one another. Our "surviving" furkids do mourn the physical loss of their house mates, too, and I do know how much it grieves your heart to see it, for my heart breaks, too, for my little Noah.

Christina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. We are here for you for the not so good days, for the totally unbearable days, -- and to help you celebrate the better days, too. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, hoping that today, and each day forward, is a better day for you and Pungo. I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Lulu's Mom]

Today's a bad day ... my heart hurts today.
[/quote]


Hang in there, honey. I am having spots of deadness and times that I am crying without really realizing it. The day will be soon when the vet calls and tells me her ashes are ready. Well, they might be ready, but I WON'T BE!

12 days in. I feel so sorry for the new people who join this site...what a wonderful site it is, but everyone here is here because of grief. It kills me to see others in as much pain as we are.

Moon_beam, I am not sure where you got it...but you have a gift. Your words are like a salve to all wounded. You are doing a great job. Just thought I would let you know.

Hugs to all of us,

Christie

[Christina R.]

One month ago today ... I find myself remembering the good times and smiling and then becoming painfully overwhelmed by sadness .. usually within moments. I still can't stand using past tense when referring to her ... it's all still so "current" to actually be past tense. I love her ... I miss her ... and I hate that she isn't here.

I've noticed a big change in my other dog, Pungo these past few weeks. When he was younger he was my shadow, followed me where ever I went and Spooky was a little more independent. In the past three years, they flip-flopped roles, with Spooky constantly with me and Pungo more independent. Since Spooky's passing (which I still hate to type) he's with me all the time. Even now, typing this, he was at the foot of the bed and as soon as I started to cry he moved up right next to me ... my boy is looking after me.

The other night .. I was trying to get some pictures of Pungo ... he was watching me on my laptop so I opened up Photo Booth to get some pics of it. Before every shot there is a 3, 2, 1 countdown with beeps .. almost every pic, when the countdown approached 1 - he leaned in and gave me a kiss. It was hilarious ... I must have taken over 30 pictures and he seemed to be completely entertained by his high jinx. He's such a good boy ... making me remember how to smile and laugh.

We miss you, little Spooky ... we miss you so much it hurts.

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[fcbruno]

One month ago today ... I find myself remembering the good times and smiling and then becoming painfully overwhelmed by sadness .. usually within moments. I still can't stand using past tense when referring to her ... it's all still so "current" to actually be past tense. I love her ... I miss her ... and I hate that she isn't here.

I've noticed a big change in my other dog, Pungo these past few weeks. When he was younger he was my shadow, followed me where ever I went and Spooky was a little more independent. In the past three years, they flip-flopped roles, with Spooky constantly with me and Pungo more independent. Since Spooky's passing (which I still hate to type) he's with me all the time. Even now, typing this, he was at the foot of the bed and as soon as I started to cry he moved up right next to me ... my boy is looking after me.

The other night .. I was trying to get some pictures of Pungo ... he was watching me on my laptop so I opened up Photo Booth to get some pics of it. Before every shot there is a 3, 2, 1 countdown with beeps .. almost every pic, when the countdown approached 1 - he leaned in and gave me a kiss. It was hilarious ... I must have taken over 30 pictures and he seemed to be completely entertained by his high jinx. He's such a good boy ... making me remember how to smile and laugh.

We miss you, little Spooky ... we miss you so much it hurts.

Hi Christina

That's fantastic that little Pungo has stepped up to the role of your guardian angel. That's a terrific photo you posted there - so much fun! It seems to be that Pungo is fully aware he has to keep his eye on you now on Spooky's behalf. He'll make sure you're okay.

Take care

Peter

[moon_beam]

Hi, Christina, the anniversaries are so hard to deal with for they are reminders that someone we love and cherish is no longer physically with us, and this is tremendously difficult to adjust to both emotionally and physically. But even so, they continue on with us in our hearts and memories, so they are forever with us - - no need for past tense references.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful picture of you and Pungo. It is not surprising that he is keeping careful watch over you. May you both have a long healthy and happy life together. And may you both be blessed feeling your Spooky's sweet Living Spirit forever with you sharing your lives just as she always has and always will.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Christina, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Christina,
I just wanted to add my support and a cyber hug to you. I have written about the sudden loss of my little girl 2 weeks ago and how I have been crying day and night so I can understand where you are. Your little Spooky was adorable.
How is your back. By conicidence I was in bed with my bad back the morning my husband took our little dogs out for their walk and 5 minutes later, Zoe was dead. I hardly got out of bed for the next 4 days. Thankfully, I did not need surgery but have chronic back pain from a car accident almost 2 years ago.
Just wanted to see how you are feeling physically and emotionally. Tomorrow is the 25th of Jan and I will be thinking of you.
Joanne