I Don't Know How To Do This, Help?, I lost ALL my dogs last week. Options

[anyoneelse]

I will try not to make this too long, I am just wondering if I can find someone who has gone through something similar to see how they got through it. Or someone who reacted like me to loss to see how it all turned out. Here's the story:

I owned three beautiful healthy Australian Shepherds. They were 3 1/2, 4, and 4 1/2. All of them I had since they were babies. They transformed my life, got me heavily involved in dog sports. And I don't mean a show here or there, but I actively pursued obedience, rally, dock diving, herding, frisbee, and agility. I was qualified for the 2010 USDAA agility nationals with my oldest, so we were training several times a week with an internationally known trainer, trialing all the time, the works. They also went to work with me every day as I train horses/teach riding lessons, so they were with me, literally, non-stop. My first dog, the oldest, was (and so many people said so over the years!) my soul-mate, if there can be such a thing. We had the tightest connection, he could read my mind, I did everything for him, babied him, and he gave me so much confidence and inspired me to really try to achieve great things in the dog world. He was truly a once in a lifetime dog, and I always told him he would have to live forever because I could never survive losing him. My husband was always terrified something would happen to him because I just...there's no way to say it...adored and absolutely cherished him. But they were all spectacular dogs.

Last Wednesday I drove to the barn with them, got out, and went about my day. 4 hours later I realized I had left them in the car, and horrified, ran back to let them out. But it was too late. Although it was only maybe 80 out, sitting in the sun the car had heated up and they were all gone. We rushed to the closest vet hospital, and they were waiting for us when we got there. They ran over, grabbed all the dogs and took them in, and I stood there outside completely on the verge of hysteria, knowing I could not handle the news that I knew was inevitable...but I walked in a few minutes later, and indeed was told they were all long gone.

It was total shock, and they were asking me questions about burial, whatever, and I couldn't make sense of anything. My husband got there and took care of everything and that night was on and off tears, guilt, no sleep, but mainly numbness and shock.

Since then I haven't hardly slept, but the very few times I've been hit with any emotion, and it got to be close to overwhelming, I can feel my brain shutting it off. I am numb. Still. Five days later. And every day it gets easier and easier to feel like they are at my friend's house, or sleeping upstairs. I don't really believe they are alive and well, I know they are gone. But that's what it feels like. Except I always have a knot in my stomach like I'm just a little nervous about something. And I've been reading about grief and it says shock can last for weeks, and I am so afraid that my world will come crashing down around me without warning and I know I can't face it...I can not face the fact that I killed all my dogs.

I went to the barn for the first time today and at first was ok, but as the day went on I had like mini panic attacks. I would start feeling nervous, and that ball in my stomach would grow and tighten and my throat would tighten up and by heart would race, and I'd get like a cold sweat feeling, and it would be like I couldn't breathe, and then I would take a few deep breaths and it would all go away. And then a few minutes later it would happen again. And again. And again. No sadness, no tears, just that awful terrified feeling. Probably at least 40 times, closer and closer together, until I thought surely I would just break down or pass out, and then they stopped without warning.

I know I am going the wrong way with this, that somehow I need to find a way to face it. I don't try to avoid the pain, I have picked up their toys, I've seen paw prints, I've tried to talk to them all. But my brain has just tried to bury this pain so deep...I just wonder how healthy this can really be.

Has anyone felt like this? Has anyone been through something SO tramatic their brain won't allow it to be real? Even now, I sit here, and I feel like there's a gun to my head. I feel terrified. But I am not crying, I am not emotional at all. Except fear.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone, but I do understand if anyone doesn't want to help as I did a horrifying thing and deserve any pain that comes my way.

[ladywolf]

Dear God, Anyonelse--I hardly know how to respond to you, but I'll try...

What an absolutely horrifying thing to have happen. I can't even fathom all the feelings, and lack of feelings, that you are experiencing. You've just been through a major trauma, and you are in post-traumatic stress. I can barely imagine what this must feel like for you--I am so, so, so, so sorry!!

Accidents happen in life all the time. We all do dumb things sometimes, but most of the time we get away with it without any harm happening. Sometimes, we don't. I don't know what else to say about that aspect of it, except that it was so CLEARLY AN ACCIDENT. God, if you believe in one, knows that you didn't intend to harm your three beautiful dog-children. How could you have? Human children die by accident every day too, and it's just the way that life works.

But that doesn't make it any easier to take. Your guilt must be overwhelming--I literally gasped when I read what had happened. You are brave for telling this story and seeking help, and believe me, you WILL get that here. We are all here to support one another regardless of the circumstances. We've had reports of murders and accidents and all kinds of terrible events, and the one common denominator is that we ALL know what loss feels like, and what guilt feels like too.

You are in total overwhelm. Numbness is a completely understandable major grief reaction. Remember to keep breathing, and eating, and trying to sleep. You WILL survive this event, as shocking and terrible as it was. You WILL go on to lead your life, but meanwhile, you have a lot of grieving to do. Please...try to be gentle on yourself. You did not intentionally cause harm--why would you?

Again, I am so, so, so sorry. Words are not sufficient to express what I feel right now as I am writing. You are absolutely welcome here--please keep coming back and posting!

Big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold

[smokey/lady/max]

Anyoneelse,
I too am so so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Margi has said all that needs to be said and said it
beautifully. It is so obvious that you loved your angels. No one here will ever judge you for your tragic loss.
Please come here as much as you need to we will be here for you. You are in my prayers along with your
angels.

Hugs
Anna and My Angels

[janika]

Dear Anyoneelse
I totally agree with all that Margi and Anna have said. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you right now. I send my heartfelt sympathy for your tragic loss.
Hugs Jan xx

[wchamilton]

I don't know what to say to this... I am so very sorry for the loss of your dogs. I lost my dog Winston to a tragic accident a bit less than a month ago and was wracked by feelings of guilt; I can only imagine the pain and guilt you must be feeling at the loss of all three of them at once.

None of us are going to judge you, none of us are going to cast blame and none of us are going to do anything but offer you shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. This was a tragic, horrible accident, and by its very definition an accident is something you didn't intend to happen. We all make mistakes, and this was a tragic one.

We all know the pain of losing a pet and we're all here to offer any support and encouragement we can. It's a tragic accident that brought you to our family, but that's what we are here... a family bound together by a love of animals and a shared pain we've all felt when we lose one.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. We're ALL here for you.

-Clay

[Brutus]

What a terrible accident that happened. An ACCIDENT, that is what it is and nothing more.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone, but I do understand if anyone doesn't want to help as I did a horrifying thing and deserve any pain that comes my way.

You do not deserve pain, so don't say that. I think you are in denial right now about everything and it's going to hit you very hard...I'm so sorry this happened.

There was another post on here about 3 weeks ago when someone had the same accident happen as you did. I am going to go look for it...I think it would be great if you two could talk.

I'm saying prayers for you, this is going to be very tough. Hugs.

I searched and couldn't find it, it may have been longer than 3 weeks ago, I will keep looking though. Hang in there.

[wchamilton]

I searched and couldn't find it, it may have been longer than 3 weeks ago, I will keep looking though. Hang in there.

Is this the thread you're talking about?

And anyoneelse, please let us know how you're doing... we all know the pain you're going through and we all want to help.

[AngelBear'sLuv]

Dear Anyoneelse,

I so wish I could tell you that you just had a terrible nightmare and that everything is ok, because I'm sure it feels like a nightmare to you now. I am so sorry about this terrible accident. It is beyond heartwrenching to think about what you have been through and are going through now. There had been a couple times in my Abbey's life when, during those crazy, rushing-around, trying-to-do-a-million things days, I kept her in the car briefly with windows opened a couple inches on a moderate day, to run in and do a quick errand - like pick up milk and bread at the store. (Abbey was a gorgeous golden retriever, my once-in-a-lifetime dog and soulmate who adored being in the car with me, driving around to all the destinations on my to-do list.) How quickly time would run away with me sometimes before I could even realize it. Then, I would suddenly realize that the temps had risen, and remember that she was in the car, and I'd abandon my groceries mid-aisle, and run out to her in complete panic. Thankfully, she was ok. But, we are all human and we all can make bad mistakes when we are pre-occupied - as everyone here has said - sometimes tragic mistakes. Sometimes we are lucky and we get another chance, and sometimes we are not. I am so sorry you did not get another chance with your beautiful beloved dogs and that you are suffering so. You loved them so extremely much and it just doesn't seem fair that a fluke thing like this happened, and robbed you of such a big part of your love and life and happiness.

I watched an Oprah program last fall about a woman who accidently left her 13-month old baby girl in the car while she went to work in the town school as an administrator. It was the first day of school and she was thinking about all the preparations she had to do, and she planned out her work day in detail during the drive in. Normally, she drove her older daughter to school and her husband would take the baby to day care, but this day they switched due to his dental appointment. The baby was sound asleep in her carseat in the back seat during the whole ride in, and mom totally forgot she had her with her. Well, you can guess the tragic result, and understand the total agony - needless to say - that this poor woman has suffered. It was a horrific accident, but it was so easy to do. Sadly, it happens to people all the time. Oprah's message at the show's end -- and the woman's message as well -- was that in today's hectic lifestyle, we all must make a constant effort to "live in the present moment", or we are just going through the motions of life, and not truly living it. I am so sad that you didn't have a second chance. You do not deserve this pain. You do deserve a chance to fix the mistake, and I deeply wish I could give that chance to you. What I can give you is my total support and my open heart to offer you healing and encouragement as you get through each day one step at a time.

{{hugs}}
AngelBear'sLuv

[moon_beam]

Hi, anyoneelse. Please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companions. Losing our beloved companions is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

Anyoneelse, your situation touched me very deeply. For different tragic reasons I do understand how you're feeling, including the panic attacks. What you are experiencing is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and it can be very paralyzing both physically and emotionally. I know what it's like to live with guilt as a consequence of a horrible automobile collision that involved the death of my mother just a little over 25 years ago now. This was a life-changing event for me - - as the survivor. I had been her primary caregiver for years, seen her through cancer and a stroke that could have claimed her life at any time. Instead, she survived those life-threatening events only to have her life ended as a result of an automobile collision with another vehicle that crossed over into our lane of traffic and hit our car head on. To this day I wish I could turn back the years and re-live that day so that it would have a more positive outcome.

Anyoneelse, one of the hardest questions to answer after a tragedy is "how do I go on living". I know this tragedy is not going to fade from your heart or your memory through time. There are some events that happen in our lives that are permanently imprinted on our memories. It is written that helping others is one way to help ourselves learn to cope with difficult experiences. Perhaps when the intense grief you are feeling lessens so that you can begin to feel stronger you will find a way to honor your precious companions.

Another question that seems to repeat itself is "why did this happen." In grief there is always a component of guilt that is sometimes very hard to reconcile. For this question to be answered to our satisfaction would require us to have knowledge that we simply aren't privvy to at this time. But even though the answer eludes us we can, with the help of genuine encouragement. re-build our lives.

How do you re-build a life that is shattered? First, anyoneelse, you must give yourself time to grieve your losses. And through this process you must always remember that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. As Clay and the other loving responders have said there is no judgment here. It is here you will find genuine encouragement and compassion to help you through this tragic event. I hope you will feel both our collective and individual friendship reaching out to you, embracing you, sustaining you until you feel strong enough to feel peace in your heart.

There is something I would like to ask: I presume there were other folks at the stable. If they heard your companions barking or saw them pacing back and forth in the car, why didn't they alert you to this? Or - -why didn't they open the car door and let them out and take them to you? I have been around stables and I know there are usually people walking about to and fro for one reason or another. My point, anyoneelse, is that while you were working there were probably other "unknown" factors occurring that, had events been different that day, the outcome would have had a chance to be more positive. Tragically, we are not given the foreknowledge of knowing how long we will be blessed with our beloved companions nor the events that will take their precious physical presence away from us. We ARE blessed with the memories we have of their journey on this side of eternity with us, and hopefully in time you will be able to embrace this blessing, and your will feel this healing in your heart.

Anyoneelse, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Dear anyoneelse, I read your post today while I was at work and was unable to reply. My first thought after I wiped away the tears was that I hoped Moonbeam would reply to you soon. I knew she would offer you comforting words that sometimes escape me. You will definitely not be judged here. On some level, we all feel responsible for the deaths of our babies. I know you feel it because of the circumstances and my heart goes out to you.
I'm at a loss for what to say to comfort you. Your story is beyond horrific. This much I can tell you - you will survive, if you let yourself. I know right now you probably don't want to survive and that's understandable. A very close friend of ours lost his twin grandsons last year in very similar circumstances. The boys slept upstairs and the parents downstairs. Last summer, one night after the boys were put to bed, the upstairs air-conditioner malfunctioned and switched onto heat. Due to the type of unit it was, it pumped hot air all night long. The boys never woke up. Their parents had to live knowing that they died under their watch, in the "safety" of their home, while they slept comfortably downstairs. I didn't think the parents would survive this. But they have. Our friend was just here this evening and said that his son has gotten involved training for triathlons and that is his therapy. It keeps his mind occupied.
But it took awhile before he tried to occupy his mind. As hard as it is, you have to let yourself feel this. And that's what we're here for. You can vent and rant and rave and cry all you want here. It helps. I've lost 3 precious babies this past year and I couldn't have survived without this forum. I hope you find comfort here too.
Keep trying to breathe. It's all you really have to do at this point. Nothing else should be required of you. I know your babies must have been beautiful and I hope you will be able to post pictures one day. We'd love to see them competing. They must have been majestic! My heart aches for you. I'm just so sorry.
-Donna

[kajoorsmom]

We haven't heard from you Anyoneelse--are you ok? My heart goes out to you.

[moon_beam]

Hi, anyoneelse, adding to kajoorsmom query - - please let us know how you're doing, okay?

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[wchamilton]

And I am adding my voice as well... how are you doing, anyoneelse? We haven't heard from you since you posted your heartbreaking story and we're all getting concerned.

[anyoneelse]

I don't know how I am. Most of the time I am completely emotionless, just feel so heavy...and tired, and nauseous. Everything is so hard, I hate my job and everything else that used to be fun. But a few times it has hit me and it is just overwhelming. Shaking and sobbing and vomiting...and then my brain locks it away again and I'm left just numb. I found a counselor, I hope to God he helps. I can't live this way. I just can't imagine a worse way for them to have gone. I can't. It would have taken hours and they heard us walking by the car a million times. I just can't believe I put them through that. I get so angry with God...like I couldn't have learned the lesson with one? You really had to take all of them? You couldn't have even left me with one? Everyone tells me my story will save a life. I don't buy that. The wonderful breeder I got the older two from lost one of her co-owned dogs a year ago this way, the lady that owned him had run in to a store and got tied up and the dog died in the car. I remember her sobbing on the phone with me, and both of us wondering how someone could do that. Well that story didn't save MY dogs. And even if they do save a life, why the hell did MY dogs have to be the example? They were perfect, my life was perfect.

Thank you for your words, your kindness. I just don't know how to get through it. I'm lost.

Photo of the three. Black tri: Finney, Blue with big white face: Bravo, Blue with small white blaze: Sanibel :

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mgaums/2173467810/

[Flossie's Mom]

What beautiful dogs...... I had one as a kid that looked much like Sanibel. He disappeared and I never knew what happened to him. I have always wanted another one like him.

I cannot possibly imagine how you feel. I wish I could offer words to comfort you in some minor way but I know I would be like you and just devistated at a loss like this.

People lose entire families and this is exactly what has happened to you. I do hope the counselor is able to help you get past this difficult loss. They are all together playing at the Rainbow Bridge.

Please let us know how you are doing..... we all care and have you in our prayers.

[Cheryl83]

My heart goes out to you, it really does. You will probably never get over something like this -- you just have to try and get through it -- but it will be a long and difficult ride. I'm so sorry for your heart-breaking loss.

You have three beautiful Angels watching over you now.

Hang in there -- Cheryl xx

[moon_beam]

Dear anyoneelse, thank you so much for sharing pictures of your precious Finney, Bravo, and Sanibel with us. They are gorgeous.

I am also glad to know you are seeking professional assistance, for this is a severe traumatic event. Has your counselor mentioned anything about medicinal support right now? No, it won't change the events that happened, but it may help with the physical effects of the stress you are under with the grieving. Grieving does put a lot of stress and enormous strain on the physical body. Among other things it lowers the natural immune system and actually changes the normal chemistry in the brain. For different tragic and traumatic circumstances, I have been where you are, Anyoneelse. So, if your counselor suggests medicinal support, please give it serious consideration - - and, perhaps, a try.

Anyoneelse, I know this is going to be a very painful event for you to recover from, but I do hope and pray with all my heart that you will be able to come to a peace in your heart and mind about what happened. I personally know this is easier said than done. A part of what you are suffering with is called "Survivor's Guilt." Finney, Bravo, and Sanibel were your family, your furkids, and your life. To go on living without them, particularly because of this event, seems impossible and unbearable. I do understand your anger toward God, and believe me, so does He. From personal experience I can tell you that God did not make them die, nor is their death meant to be a punishment to you, although I know that is how it feels to you. Unfortunately we live in an imperfect world, and because of this, tragic events happen - - I know this from my own personal life - - the consequences of which I live with every moment of every day.

Anyoneelse, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are NOT alone in this difficult grief journey. There are no judgments made here, no blame is ever imposed. It is my sincerest hope and prayer that what I have shared with you today will help to bring you some comfort and encouragement - - and hope. I pray with all my heart that you will feel me sitting next to you, holding your hands, putting my arm around your shoulder, inviting you to put your head on my shoulder and cry. Anyoneelse, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing - - whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Anyoneelse, my heart just aches for your story and for you. The picture of your babies was beautiful. They were and still are so very beautiful. I understand losing the perfect life. I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I don't know why you are having to endure this but there must be a reason somewhere. You may not know it now or in the near future, even. And the "lesson" may not even pertain to saving another life. The one thing I've tried to "learn" from my losses (both fur babies and others) over the past 2 years is that maybe my role is to be a better help to someone else suffering similar losses. The gift of compassion has never been mine but lately because of what I've been through, I find I have more compassion for people who are hurting. People who are also losing their perfect lives. I'm not trying to say in any way shape or form that you should be more compassionate - at all. I'm only saying that when we suffer, it sometimes makes us better shoulders for others. I just don't believe that lives come or go without meaning. Although that meaning can be extremely difficult to figure out. I know Moonbeam has suffered immeasurably in her life and look at what she means to this forum. She offers support because of that deep pain she has.
I'm sorry, Anyoneelse, this isn't where I meant to go with this reply. I only wanted to let you know that I am so deeply deeply sorry for you. I can't fathom what you're going through but I hope that you will find some comfort on this forum. I hope someone will write the words you need. I told my co-workers your story and showed them the picture you posted. Your sweet angels have touched people you will likely never meet. I just wish there was something we could do to ease your pain. I understand what you mean about the numbness. I went through that for awhile after our second baby died. I walked around the dark house like a zombie just feeling nothing at all. I think it's a coping mechanism. I do so hope your counselor will help you. And if he doesn't, get another. You deserve to rest. You deserve to forgive yourself although there's nothing to forgive. You're not guilty. You didn't do it on purpose. There was a mistake made - not guilt. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you. I really do.
-Donna

[kajoorsmom]

I've been worrying about you and am replying through tears. I've been meaning to make sure you are seeking counseling--you need an unbiased source of strength. They are no longer in pain, and they still love you. I know you just want to hold them and tell you "I loved you so much...I hope you know I loved you." And they did. Please stay strong and let us know periodically how you are doing. Is there a friend/spouse/family member that is with you through your grief? Please do let us know!

~kajoor's mom, rachna

[anyoneelse]

My husband is with me, yes. He is dealing with the loss of the dogs as well, and fortunately has never felt a moment of anger or blame towards me. He is very supportive. I am working with a counselor who wants to do EMDR therapy which scares the hell out of me. I am terrified to allow myself to feel the full horror of what I did. I have been having a lot of panic attacks, and almost like nightmares while I am awake...flashbacks that never really happened? Unrelated to the dogs, just terrible things happening to me or my family. Apparently I am developing PTSD, but that's what this counselor is trained in, and he is confident I can work through it. I'll keep you all posted. I really just want my dogs back. Can anyone do that for me? I'll pay you back somehow, name the price.