I Will Cry, My Miss Daisy Options

[AlexisMarie]

Friday, August 6th..a day I will never forget..the day I said goodbye to my sweet Daisy. I was so alone, so scared. A couple days ago I read the posts for that day...I'm so touched that some of your thoughts and prayers were with me that day...Thank you so much. The last week with her was so hard. The clock became my worst enemy..days turned into hours that turned into minutes that turned into seconds. The last 24 hours became the last for everything. The last time we ate dinner together...our last sunset...the last time I watched you hunt for frogs in the evening...the last kiss you gave me before bedtime. I layed awake in the darkness and listened to her sleep through the night. And like clockwork she was up at 5:30 a.m. She stretched and came over to me to kiss me good morning..for the last time. I didnt want to start the day..our last day. We ate breakfast and went outside to watch our last sunrise. after a couple of hours I gave her a treat..her last one. After that she layed down for a nap. The house was so quiet, I just watched her nap. The clock seemed to be ticking so loud, I thought at 9:35 I will put my shoes on and take her for a ride...for the last time. Walking up to the vet's office was the longest walk. I stopped at the door picked her up and just stood there for a moment, knowing once I opened that door the world was going to come crashing down on me. I stood inside behind a wall infront of a small window. I held on to her to tight as I rocked her back and forth whispering in her ear that I loved her. They called her name...for the last time. I signed papers and took off her collar for the last time. I started crying, I kissed her...for the last time. I sat in my truck sobbing clutching her collar to my heart..when I was able, I drove home, layed on the floor where she was napping just minutes ago...and cried. It scared me at times...hearing myself cry out loud..I could hear the pain and heartache behind it. I cant believe she's gone. She's all around this house, her bowls, her bed, her toys, all the pictures.

One day I will be able to look at those pictures and smile and remember I what a wonderful and happy dog you were, and all the good times we shared. But until then. . . I will cry.

One day I will be able to go outside and remember all the things you liked to do, digging in the garden with me, looking up at me with dirt all over your face, so proud that you were helping mommy, all our sunrises and sunsets, watching you lay in the sun, playing with with the frogs at night. But for now I will stay inside. . . and I will cry.

One day I will go walking on the ditch. The same walk we used to take for years. I will . . . because that was your most favorite thing to do. It wont be for awhile because I've never been out there without you, and they will ask "where's Daisy?" Right now I dont have the heart to tell them you are not with me anymore. So for now I will stay home . . . and I will cry.

One day grandma and I will talk about you and laugh at all the silly things you used to do. You loved grandma. She will miss you on her laps. But until then . . . we will cry.

One day I will go camping again. It wont be the same without you. You loved to go fishing. Grandpa will miss his fish inspector. But for now the fish can wait. Maybe next year . . . and I will cry.

One day I will get used to coming in the front door and not be greeted by you and your wagging tail. Instead I will have to deal with the deafening sounds of silence, this will have to be the new norm for me. But for now . . .I will cry.

One day I will get used to waking up in the morning without your Daisy Kisses. I loved those, I will miss those the most. But until then . . . I will cry.

One day I will wake up in the morning and realize that I didnt cry myself to sleep. It is then, that I will know that the healing process has begun. God will heal the broken hearted. But until then . . . I will cry.

For the past 24 years I have been on Mommy Duty with you and KittyKat. You both had me on a schedule. Now I'm not quite sure what to do. I feel lost, lonely and confused. I will struggle for awhile until I find my own schedule. I believe that I was blessed with the one perfect cat and the one perfect dog. There could be no other, I will not be hearing the sounds of pitter patter paws in my house anymore. I couldn't possibly go through this pain again.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that you are in your new body, no more aches and pains. So you run along and go find KittyKat. She will be so happy to see you again. And when I come to the end of my journey here . . . I will cry . . . for the last time. Only these will be tears of joy because I get to see my two girls again.

I love you Daisy
My little bug-a-loo
I will never forget you

[Rhapsedy]

This is so beautiful AlexisMarie!

I am thinking of you and Daisy.

[wchamilton]

This is one of the most touching things I have ever read here. Thank you for this.

[Cheryl83]

Oh my God - I can't even see what I'm typing here because I'm literally crying my eyes out after reading your post. I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I don't even know what else to say right now, but I just had to comment on your post and let you know how it moved me and how sorry I am for your loss. And you are right - one day the tears will become less, one day you will be able to smile at the memories. But until then -- cry. Feel what you need to feel. Let everything out. We are all here for you for as long as you need us.

Thinking of you -- Cheryl x

[moon_beam]

Dear AlexisMarie, thank you so much for your beautiful post. I think I have wiped the tears off my glasses enough so that I can see what I'm typing. Your post is a testimony to the love you share with your precious Daisy and KittyKat. This love you share transcends the boundaries of time and space that we are confied to on this side of eternity, AlexisMarie. What a beautiful love it is!!!

Please know you are not alone in your grief healing journey, AlexisMarie. Each of us are with you to share in your healing tears, to share in your precious memories, to share whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us. Each of us here are with you now, AlexisMarie, and for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, AlexisMarie, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[AlexisMarie]

Its been one week today when I said goodbye, and its been hard. I woke up early..like I have been all week. I opened the patio door in my room and just stood there looking out at the stars...saw alot of them shoot across the dark sky. Its amazing how quiet the world is at 3:00 in the morning. My brain keeps wanting to replay the last moments with Daisy.....over and over and over. Sometimes I feel like I cant take it anymore. It hurts so much. I go back to work on Monday and I'm not looking forward to it because I will have to pretend that I'm doing ok when I'm not.

I finally turned my phone back on. Just dont want to talk to anyone yet. This house is so quiet. Awful not hearing the sound of my own voice anymore. I used to talk to her all the time. I dont have any kids, not married.....and for the first time in my 44 yrs....I feel so alone, sad, and just empty. The one thing I could not control was when she would no longer be part of my life. My life now will always be different....changed...I hate change.

I'm grateful for this site. Even though its hard reading other posts of those who have lost their furbabies....there is this odd sort of comfort. Im glad you all are out there.

To my Daisy:

I Love You. You made me a better person. I miss your cute little face looking back at me....I just miss everything about you.

[moon_beam]

Hi, AlexisMarie, please know you are not alone in your grief journey. Like you, I am also the only human in the household. Each of my furkids have been special to me as they have been with me at different times in my life journey. I have experienced times in my life journey when I have been without beloved companions. It is different - - the sound of silence is deafening.

Yes, having to put on the "public face" is going to be hard. For me I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could go to release some of the built up emotion so that I could go back to my desk and continue on with my work. Concentration was very difficult, so I had to really force myself to stay focused. But while you may / will have to "make believe" at work and with other people in your life, please know this is one place where you can always come to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind for as long and as often as you need to. Each of us are here for you, AlexisMarie - - you will never need to put on a "public face" for us.

AlexisMarie, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ladywolf]

Hi AlexisMarie--

I wanted to join in on your thread and tell you how very very sorry I am about your loss of Daisy. What a bittersweet last few days you had together, filled with both love and pain. I am so sorry.

I too have been alone a good part of my life. I don't even have any living family members, and haven't since 1987, so, often, my pets have been my only companions. Right now I live in a small complex of very cool people who are all friends, so I have people dropping in all the time and people I can easily visit, so I'm not so very alone now, but I can remember times...

The most painful of all was back around 1997, when I decided to convert a big van for comfortable camping, give up having a home-base, and hit the road for a couple of years. My beloved Great Dane, Diva, died of old age during the van conversion process, which was not a surprise--leaving Luna, my 7-year-old Weimaraner, as my only companion. For months I worked on the van, and kept talking to Luna about how WE were going to hit the road and have excellent adventures, about how much fun WE were going to have... and then right before I was due to take off camping full-time, Luna was diagnosed with terminal cancer all throughout her body.

My vet convinced me that I did not really want to take a dying dog out on the road, since I had no way of knowing what would happen, when and where, and so I took Luna for a last walk, and then had my vet put her to sleep...

I couldn't leave, and I couldn't stop WAILING, for three weeks. All along, the plan had been for Woman and Dog to go out into the world seeking new experiences together, and suddenly there I was, totally alone, trying to get it together to start travelling. I have never been so miserable in my entire life. I wailed so much that my friends thought I might need to be hospitalized. Finally, I managed to leave and strike out on my own, and I wailed the whole first week that I was travelling. Gradually, it all began to become more bearable, but...talk about feeling alone!!

So I truly understand what you are experiencing right now, and I have deep empathy for you. It's very, very hard to go it alone.

I send you lots of love and hugs--

Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Unlikely

[dihann]

Dear AlexisMarie:

I can't even imagine how hard it was to type that. I am sure through many tears. It made me cry. Yes, we love them SOOOOOOOO much and it's almost unbearable to let them go. I have nothing more to say but I understand and my prayers and love go out to you. There is nothing worse than this, I believe. Please know we care for you here.

Hugs,

Diane

[AlexisMarie]

Thank you MoonBeam, Ladywolf and Diane....for being out there. I know we cant rush grief....it would only make it worse. I feel like someone locked me in a rollercoaster ride in the dark and I cant see where its twisting...and turning up ahead. Just need to ride it out. I just hope Daisy understands that I did it out of love.

I did see a double rainbow yesterday before sundown....I dont even remember the last time I saw one of those. It did make me smile....and cry. Cry....thats all I seem to do. Never knew I could cry this much. Sometimes when she would do something cute I would say to her "You silly, what would I do without you" It pains me that... now... I know the answer to that question. I would hurt.....and I would cry....

Annette

I love you my bug-a-loo!

[John S]

AlexisMarie I am so sorry. Your letter was beautiful; it spoke to my heart. to watch the days go by must have been unbearable I can barely imagine. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your beautiful letter. You are not alone in your grief. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Annette, one of the things I privately call this grief journey is "the winter of the heart." When we lose a beloved companion it feels like all the warmth, all the fun, all the sunshine, all of the meaning of what makes the journey on this side of eternity worthwhile and bearable is gone -- vanished - - leaving our hearts feeling cold, barren, bleak, broken, frozen.

Annette, the tears we cry are called "healing tears" - - and that is what we must do to help our broken, frozen hearts heal from the painful physical loss of our beloved, cherished companions. It is a season that seems to last forever - - dark nights that never seem to end and days that we wished would never begin. But with the help of healing tears and the comfort of others who truly do understand how we're feeling - - one day - - when we least expect it - - we do eventually feel our hearts begin to thaw from our grief. And when this happens, we can find ourselves smiling at our memories of our beloved companions that have been hidden under the "winter" in our hearts. And then we can find ourselves embracing the sweet Living Spirit of our beloved, cherished companion - - truly knowing that they are forever with us wherever we go and whatever we do. And once again, we can feel the warmth and glow in our hearts that fills us with renewed strength to continue our journey on this side of eternity as our beloved companions want us to do.

Annette, I wish there was some way this grief journey was not so painful to endure, but I haven't found any way to "fast forward" through it. Please know each of us here are sharing in your grief journey, walking beside you, reaching out to you across the miles to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Westiesam/Sharon]

AlexisMarie - your post truly shows us the deep love you have for your dog -- I am so sorry for your pain.
Sharon

[Rudy's Mom]

I am truly sorry for your lost. I hope you and your family keep the treasure of that pure love they gave you in your heart. That is the greatest gift of all.
kim

[AlexisMarie]

It's been 2 weeks today since I gave my Daisy her last kiss. It's been hard....real hard. I just cant quite accept that she is gone. I see her beds empty and her toys that she will never play with again. It's hard to be outside without her. Even though she was an inside dog we spent alot of time in the yard. I've never had a problem with anxiety....but I guess I do now. When I'm outside my heart starts to pump, I cant breathe, the tears start to fall and I have to go back inside. The same thing happened when I tried to go for a walk. I got to the end of the block and felt the anxiety start to kick in and I had to run back home. It just didnt feel right to walk without holding on to her leash without her on the other end. Maybe it's too soon....I dont know....I dont know about anything anymore.

I do know I miss my routine. Now I get up, get ready for work, and leave. I skip at least 20 steps in the mornings and many more in the evenings. Every thing I did was for her, with her, because of her. After I lost my cat 4 yrs ago, Daisy was 5. I decided to try my best to give Daisy the best and happy life that she deserved. I knew she wasnt going to live 20 yrs like Alexis did, but never did I think I was going to lose her only 4 years later. So every time I left the house I told her "I love you, see you later". And at bedtime it was.....treat, kiss on the nose, "I love you, see you in the morning". I look back...I'm so happy that I did that.

I'm lucky if I get 3 hrs of sleep a night. Every night at 1:00 am, I wake up and not able to fall back asleep. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna last doing that. I find it hard to work, drive, anything.

I look at that person in the mirror....and wonder....will the tears ever stop? Will she smile and laugh again? or will there always be a hint of sadness behind them?

Will the dark circles under her eyes fade with time.......or will they forever be the scars of sorrow

Will her heart ever mend? Or will it be broken forever. Like a puzzle with that one piece missing...

I read when people come back after 6 months or a year, and they are happy and at peace because they have moved forward. What If I dont move forward? What if I'm that one person that cannot seem to get through this? It scares me how much pain I'm feeling. I'm distancing myself from the outside world right now because the mention of her name sets me off to a crying frenzy. Some of my friends are txt msg and emailing me cause they havent heard from me in a couple of weeks. It's "Haven't heard from you, how are you and Daisy doing?" Everyone always included her in our conversations. I would always sign both our names on cards, so they started addressing cards with her name also, even sending her gifts on holidays. So one by one I've been emailing back "Daisy is not with me anymore" Everytime I have to tell the story....I start crying all over again like it just happened. Now I know why some people say they feel like they've taken a step back. I feel like that now.

I see papers and receipts with dates on them and think.....that was a good day, Daisy was still with me, I was happy, life was good.....I miss my old routine....I miss my Daisy.

Daisy: I love you....thank you for my dream....I knew you and KittyKat would find each other...I just knew it. It was good to see her again also. Both of you looked so young and happy. You didnt even have one gray hair on you anymore. I wish mommy could have stayed with you, but she couldnt. I'm just glad the both of you are together again.....I love you both with all my heart

[tanbuck]

AlexisMarie, I could have just written the post you wrote. I just got up off the kitchen floor. I broke down as I was trying to do some cleaning. I sat in front of the oven where I could see my distorted reflection and asked myself if that's what I really look like. The darkened, mis-shapened figure I saw in the glass is a true reflection of what I feel. I turned and stared out at my boys' graves. I asked over and over when it would get better. Losing all three in less 9 months apart has left me with anxiety attacks much like you mentioned when you tried to take a walk. I have days with no energy at all. I have complete spans of time that I don't remember what I did.
And the thing is, no one knows this except the people on this forum. Thank you for sharing your thoughts today. I'm not glad you're feeling this way but knowing that someone else does, makes me feel less like a floating balloon.
My thoughts are with you.
-Donna

[AlexisMarie]

Thank you Donna, it helps to know people are having the same "symtoms". Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind....like I've lost control. Going to bed is tough but waking up is worse. When I wake up....for a split second it feels like a normal day....then all of a sudden everything that has happened comes rushing in and slaps me across the face.

I read your story...it made me cry. I cant even imagine going through what you've been through. I'm so sorry. If I could reach through the computer I would give you a big hug.

For the first couple of days my circle of humans were great, very supportive. But now I'm getting the sense that they are getting uncomfortable. I'm hearing things like: You need to get out of the house, keep busy, get your mind off of it. I wish I could get my mind off of it.....I wish I could stop crying....but I cant...right now it's impossible. Why is it hard for some people to help us get through this instead of trying to get us to get over it. Just give us a hug....no words.....just a hug. But I just give them some excuse as to why I cant go....I wish I could just be honest with them and let them know how bad it hurts....that she was more than just a dog...she was my child.

Yesterday I finally ran the vaccum. When I emptied the canister I was surprised at how little of her hair was in it. Next time its going to be less...and less...until there's nothing left....like she was never here..it hurts. My brain is getting used to seeing her beds empty...I even had to look at a picture of her in her bed..just to see what she looked like in it. She was the light in my life....now I feel like I'm total darkness...trying to find my way out...sometimes I dont even feel like trying. I'm just so grateful for this site...it's keeping me from going crazy.

For you, and everyone out there.......hoping...that peace is just around the corner for us.

Annette

[moon_beam]

Hi, Annette, what you so appropriately describe about feeling like you're losing your mind is a very normal reaction to your deep grief. I assure you, Annette, that you are not.

From my own grief experiences I am coming to the conclusion that I don't think this grief journey is about "moving on" without or "moving beyond" our beloved companions, but rather rebuilding our lives with their sweet Living Spirits forever with us. We are blessed to have been their guardians and caregivers during their physical journey with us. It is adjusting to the physical absence of their presence with us that is very painful in this grief journey - - both phyiscally and emotionally - - but they are never "lost" to us - - for they are forever a part of us in our hearts and memories - - and nothing - - nothing - - can ever take this away from us.

Annette, it is very important that you allow yourself to grieve for Daisy, for in the process it is my sincerest fervent hope and prayer that you will come to know that she is still with you - - forever a part of you - - for love has no boundaries - - it is not confined to the physical laws of time and space. Love transcends all dimensions of existence - -both the ones we know and experience on this side of eternity and the ones our hearts hope for that will reunite us with our beloved companions at our appropriate time.

I know what you and Donna mean about looking at your reflections. A few weeks ago I participated in a mini-family reunion, and pictures were taken. Yesterday my sister e-mailed the pictures, and I was saddened by the one of me. As I looked at the picture I was totally shaken by how old and haggered I look - - a shattered shell reflected through the camera lens. I already knew this from looking in the bathroom mirror every morning, but the picture just confirmed my own assessment. The only real joy in my life is my little Noah, and my heart breaks for him that he is now stuck with just me for his companionship. This isn't fair to him. By rights he should still have his big adopted kitty brother Eli (who would be 10 years old now) and his sibling baby sister Abbygayle (who would be 7 years old) with him - - but they are with the angels (Eli December 2006 and Abbygayle March 2010) so instead he's stuck with just me.

Unfortunately society in general does not understand that the grief journey for a beloved companion is the same as it is for a human family member or friend, so it is understandable to feel "abandoned" by the folks we have come to rely on as our first-line support in day to day life when they cannot understand our grief in the loss of our beloved companions.

Annette, we will never abandon you in your grief journey. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. With us you will never have to put on a "public face" or "pretend" that you are doing better than how you feel. And this holds true for now, for 6 months from now, for a year from now, for 10 or 100 years from now. And you will never have to be concerned that your precious Daisy will "disappear" from you. Vacuum all you want, Annette - - it will NOT take away your precious Daisy's sweet Living Spirit from you.

Will the void that is in our hearts ever completely go away? Probably not - - for it is a reminder that a very important part of us - - our precious beloved companion - - is no longer physically with us. But hopefully in time, Annette, there will come a day when you find yourself thinking about your precious Daisy and you will find yourself smilig - - genuinely - - and hopefully then you will feel - - truly feel - - her sweet Living Spirit surrounding you - - encompassing you - - with her love as she always did while she was physically with you, and as she is even now in this "winter of the heart" journey you are now traveling.

Annette, I hope somehow that you will feel comforted and encouraged by what I have shared with you, if not possible now then perhaps someday as you're reading through the posts. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, that you are never alone as each of us here are walking right beside you in your journey, and that I honestly look forward to knowing how you're doing.


Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[doggielove]

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious doggie. I just recently had to put my spaniel to sleep he had leukemia. He was only 8. I know how you are feeling like life is not the same and how can you find meaning in life again. Continue to talk about your sweet doggie it helps to talk about her. I am always talking about my tyson. Know that you are not alone. We all feel your pain. We will never judge you, we understand. Comfort in your time of need. doggielove

[AlexisMarie]

I'm coming up on one month now...I still can't believe she's not with me. Last week I had to pick up her ashes. Standing at the counter I couldn't believe that all these years of joy...it's come down to this. I knew this day would come, but I guess you're never really prepared for it. Waiting I started getting nervous, my heart pounding, dizzy...(oh Daisy and Alexis too...now mommy knows how you two felt everytime I had to take you there...I'm so sorry) I saw the small window behind the wall were I last stood with her telling her over and over how much I loved her...This was the last place she saw alive...My tears started to come. Just then I heard the girl say -I'm so sorry for your loss- I said -Thank you- and left. Now it just seems so real....so final....no more waiting to see if I will ever wake up from this horrible nightmare....no more sitting in the living room watching tv....waiting...for her to run in with one of her toys so we could play....no more kisses...the proof is in my hands now...in a little box with a ribbon around it. I guess I have to accept it now....or surrender to it.

When I was driving away I took one last look at the office and I was sort of...relieved...that I would never have to set foot in that place again. They are wonderful people...they took care of my babies for the past 24 years....but for the second time I have walked out of there with my arms empty and my heart broken....and I could never do this again. I love animals...I've grown up with dogs and cats all my 40+ years...Daisy and Alexis were all mine...I was their mommy...but its the saying goodbye....watching them take their last breath...having to let go and walk away is what I cant do anymore.

Emotionally and mentally, sorrow has taken me to depths that I have never experienced before...never knew existed...physically, my heart actually hurt, with pain...especially my last week with her...I felt like I was having a heart attack. Now the -pain- part is gone and so are the panic attacks and I'm getting at least 4 hrs of sleep now insteat of 2 or 3. But if I got another cat or dog, 10 or 15 years from now I honestly believe that I would not be able to get through it. I would be afraid that I would not love them fully...like they deserve...because I would always fear the end...It makes me sad...this is the first time that I will not have a furbaby around me. Has anyone ever felt this way? or am I the only one?

I'm having my -moments- , I call them my "mommy moments" like when I woke up the other night to an awful thunder storm the first thing I did was reach behind me to put my hand on her so she wouldnt be scared, like I always did...but all I felt was her empty bed with a couple of her stuffed animals in it. Or when you turn around to look behind you before you back up so you dont step on them.....when you open the front door and automatically look down to see them. At bedtime when we used to go up the stairs, she would always try to beat me...as she passed me I would grab her little butt and make a honk..honk..noise, she would always run faster and when she would get to the top of the stairs she would turn around to look at me a wag her tail like crazy...she always got such a big kick out of that... every time. Now when I get to the top of the stairs...I just have tears rolling down my face. But if I should ever have any doubts or should ever question if I was a good enough mom...having a "mommy moment" will always remind that..yes...I was.

I put her ashes next to my cat Alexis, along with her favorite tiny stuffed animals. It just doesnt seem fair...just a couple of months ago things were great...we were happy. I had to get something out of the closet and there they were...all her little jackets and sweatshirts hanging neatly in a row. My heart skipped a beat...I took my favorites...her demin jacket, her little red hoodie, and her football jersey (I had exactly the same ones that I would wear) I always looked forward to the winter so I could bundle her up in one of them...she looked so adorable wearing them. Now she will never...ever...wear them again. I broke down...went to my bed holding them and cried for what seemed like forever. I think getting through my "never-evers" is going to be tough. Just getting through one day is tough...I never stop thinking about her....

I love the lyrics to the George Strait song "The Breath You Take"

Life's not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain't what it's all about
Ya just might miss the point
Try'n to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away

Daisy: I love you and miss you. Thank you sweetheart for my mommy moments. Thank you for letting me fuss over you...and spoiling you. You took my breath away every second of every minute of every single day. I love you

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