Winston T. Puppy, RIP Options

[wchamilton]

We have three dogs... Winston (the one who died), Miya and Takoda. Our morning routine is when they get up we hook Miya outside on a run to go to the bathroom, then Takoda, then Winston. When we hooked Takoda out the door didn't close all the way and when she was ready to come in her lead was long enough that it let her push the door open and as soon as she did that Winston took off.

He couldn't have been outside for more than a couple of minutes; all three of us were in the kitchen when my son saw the front door open and Winston gone. We got our shoes on, grabbed a couple of biscuits and went to get him when we saw Takoda on her lead staring up the road and not moving. We looked where she was looking and Winston was lying on the side of the road.

We we got to him he was still breathing but not answering to his name or looking around. The person who hit him, as well as the people who lived in the house whose yard he was in were all outside when we got there. I picked Winston up and told my son to get a blanket in the car. The person who hit him came up to me and said he was sorry... when I asked if he hit him he very quietly said yes. I told him it was an accident and carried Winston to the car. When I got there I put him in the car, left a message with my vet's emergency number and got ready to go when the person who hit him came up to me, gave me his home and cell number and told me if there was any vet bill that he would pay it. I told him I appreciated that, got in the card and headed to the vet while Johnathan sat in the back seat with Winston.

He seemed to perk up a bit on the way there... he looked around a bit, would perk his ears a bit when you called his name but after a couple of minutes of that he put his head in my sons lap and, as my son pet him and told him what a good dog he was, he died before we got to the vet. I called the vet and told them that Winston didn't make it and brought him home. We buried him in our back yard, lying on his dog bed, covered with the blanket he was lying on and the t-shirt my son covered him in, a rawhide chew and biscuit under his paws. We lined his grave with a small picket fence and made a grave marker for him.

We're all torn up about this, but especially my wife. That dog was her soul-mate. When we adopted him in 2006 we had just bought our house and we found out after we adopted him that he had pneumonia in both lungs and was severely dehydrated and undernourished from being so sick. The vet said she couldn't even promise he'd live through the night, but Sue stayed up with him all night, thumping his chest to keep the phlegm loose. He recovered and turned into the best damned dog we EVER had. He was protective of us but would let people approach him, as long as it was apparent it was okay with us. He would come into wherever we were sometimes and kind of make a little grunting noise at us, tail wagging, and we'd say "show me what you want" and he'd lead you to whatever it was, be it a slice of leftover pizza on the counter or to snitch on one of the cats or other dogs for being in the garbage. My son and I taught him Hawk Dog... you could hold your forearm out, as if you were waiting for a trained hawk to land on it and say "Hawk Dog, Winston!" and he'd stand on his back legs and put his front legs on your forearm.

He was an incredible dog and even with the two girls still here the house is just empty without him. My wife told me last night the only thing for her that could've been worse than losing Winston would have been losing me or our son.

RIP, buddy. We gave you four of the happiest, most love-filled, spoiled years that any dog could ever hope for.

I also have a question I hope I can get an objective answer to... to those of you that have lost an animal companion in this manner, how long did it take you to come to terms with your grief? I've read a bunch of websites that say things like "everyone is different" and what-not but I'm hoping for some real-world answers from real people. I know that only 48 hours removed from Winston's death I can't expect to be over this but I'd like to know what people's experiences are.

[Brutus]

I am so sorry for your loss of Winston (I love that name)...what a great dog he was.

coming to terms with grief....that is true everyone is different. I lost my soulmate almost 9 months ago, a black lab, Brutus was 13. Me and my husband were devestated, even though we knew it was coming, you are never prepared to lose them. For you and your family, it's a total shock since Winston was so young. So our situations are different. I won't lie....it took me months to get to semi-normal...for my husband it didn't take so long. It is true about those 4 stages of grief and guilt for me was the hardest. And I went through those 4 stages hundreds of times I swear. To be honest, it was probably a good 4 months before I stopped crying alot. I still do cry at times, often when I'm on the forum, so I don't come here as much. But I am living again. My husband was probably about a month before he was semi-normal. We still talk about Brutus alot, he was our "first born"...we don't have any children and had Brutus since he was 4 months old. We take his ashes with us everywhere and we have paintings, pics, poem I wrote for him everywhere, reminders everywhere. I wear a necklace that has his name and dates and a paw print on it everyday. This was good for us, but some people don't want any reminders...there is no right or wrong. My advice to you and your family would be to just let out whatever you are feeling...scream, cry...whatever...don't hold it in. Come here and talk about or even talk to Winston on your thread...this place helped me tremendously get through...not over, you never get over it just get through it.

many hugs to you and your family,
I will be thinking and praying for you all,
Brutus' Mom

[wchamilton]

I am so sorry for your loss of Winston (I love that name)...what a great dog he was.

coming to terms with grief....that is true everyone is different. I lost my soulmate almost 9 months ago, a black lab, Brutus was 13. Me and my husband were devestated, even though we knew it was coming, you are never prepared to lose them. For you and your family, it's a total shock since Winston was so young. So our situations are different. I won't lie....it took me months to get to semi-normal...for my husband it didn't take so long. It is true about those 4 stages of grief and guilt for me was the hardest. And I went through those 4 stages hundreds of times I swear. To be honest, it was probably a good 4 months before I stopped crying alot. I still do cry at times, often when I'm on the forum, so I don't come here as much. But I am living again. My husband was probably about a month before he was semi-normal. We still talk about Brutus alot, he was our "first born"...we don't have any children and had Brutus since he was 4 months old. We take his ashes with us everywhere and we have paintings, pics, poem I wrote for him everywhere, reminders everywhere. I wear a necklace that has his name and dates and a paw print on it everyday. This was good for us, but some people don't want any reminders...there is no right or wrong. My advice to you and your family would be to just let out whatever you are feeling...scream, cry...whatever...don't hold it in. Come here and talk about or even talk to Winston on your thread...this place helped me tremendously get through...not over, you never get over it just get through it.

many hugs to you and your family,
I will be thinking and praying for you all,
Brutus' Mom

Thank you for your response... I thankfully have a good group of people I work with who all know how much my dogs mean to me so they're all very understanding of what I'm going through, which is good; I don't think I could deal with anyone telling me "it was just a dog" or something similar.

It's the accidental nature of his death that really is tearing me up, that coupled with, as you said, the fact he was so young, not even four. He couldn't have been outside for more than 1-2 minutes but that's all it took. When Takoda batted the door open he nosed it the rest of the way open and took off... my son and I heard the door hit the wall and that's when we went to get him, only to find him on the side of the road. That's what's killing me, right now, is all of the "what if's" that keep going through my head.... what if we got out to him sooner, what if the door had shut all the way, what if...

This hurts like hell and I'm a wreck, but not as much as my wife is... that dog was her soul-mate. He was a family dog, definitely, but he was her dog, first and foremost. His passing left a huge hole in our hearts, our house and our family.

He's buried in our back yard, the grave surrounded by a small picket fence and a marker at the head of the grave. I've been out to it a few times since we buried him Sunday and it just tears me up; this dog was so happy and so full of life and to have that snuffed out so soon is just tragic.

Here's a picture I took of him once... I came out of the bathroom and found him on the couch like this:



Thank you for your kind words... it's nice to know that I'm not alone in the grief I'm feeling. As odd as this sounds, the death of my mother in 2008 has helped me with this because I know I'll eventually feel better and heal, it will just take time. Having someone give me a time helps, since it's just more confirmation that this will eventually pass and I'll be able to smile when I think of Winston.

[My heart Cooper]

Winston is absolutely adorable. Ten weeks ago today we lost our baby boy Cooper to a vet mistake. He was only five. It was so unexpected. He was healthy and happy and full of life. When I dropped him off for his teeth cleaning, he was great. Three hours later, I was back at the vet and he was gone. Like your wife, Cooper was my doggy soul mate. I could've never imagined this would happen to him. I loved him SO much. Sometimes, I still can't believe it happened. After he passed, I was like you, searching for someone to tell me when it would stop hurting. I didn't want to hurt anymore but I felt bad to think about not being sad because I loved him so much. I just wanted someone to tell me I wouldn't feel that awful forever. People did but I didn't believe them. But now I see that it has gotten easier. I miss Cooper so much every day and still cry for him but the pain is not quite as bad. We also have two other dogs (one who is ten and a puppy we got about six weeks after we lost Coop. At first, having Rudy around made it harder. It was hard trying to be cheerful for him and go through that routine knowing that something major was missing from it and knowing that he was sad too. But now, Rudy and Dori really help a lot. Losing Coop so unexpectedly really taught us to appreciate and love everything we have. Some days are harder than others. And I can't give you a timeline but it really does get easier. I will always miss him, but I no longer feel that gut wrenching pain that made me want to curl up in bed and never get out like I felt that first week. It just takes time. Make sure you talk to each other though. My husband and I were very open about how we were feeling and that helped us a lot.

[Brutus]

Winston is absolutely adorable, thanks for sharing him with us.

The 'what ifs' will drive you crazy, we all do it to ourselves. Hang in there. You will smile again, I will be sending prayers that your hurt is comforted by good memories of Winston.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

[Cheryl83]

Wchamilton,

Firstly, permit me to offer my sincere condolences for your painful loss. Winston sure sounds like he was such an intelligent, special boy -- so it's no wonder you're taking this so hard.

The truth is, there is no "set time limit" for getting over your loss. Some people never truly get over it. You can most certainly expect to go through "cycles" of grief. There will come a time when you start to experience good days, and you will think you're finally coming to terms with it -- then, out of the blue, you will be in floods of tears again. You will have to start off over from the beginning. Slowly, the "good" days will start to out number the bad. In time, you will be able to think of Winston and smile at the memories, rather than wince at the pain. All I can say is this -- take each day as it comes. Feel whatever you need to feel. Don't try to suppress your emotions, this will only complicate the grieving process further. In terms of your wife, struggling to cope with losing her soulmate, all you can do is be there for her. Be her shoulder to cry on. Let her express her emotions freely. Try not to tell her, "It will be okay" etc because, although it will, she probably doesn't want to her things like that right now. Be kind to yourself, and to each other.

Keep posting and letting us know how you're getting on.

-- Cheryl x

[wchamilton]

Winston is absolutely adorable, thanks for sharing him with us.

The 'what ifs' will drive you crazy, we all do it to ourselves. Hang in there. You will smile again, I will be sending prayers that your hurt is comforted by good memories of Winston.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

I know this isn't my fault and was nothing more than a terrible accident but not even 48 hours removed from his passing it doesn't help much right now. The pain of his passing is just too raw for me.

Having our two girls, Miya and Takoda, has made it both easier and harder... it's easier because they're such loving girls; they spent most of the day yesterday on the couch with my wife and I, just sitting and letting themselves be pet. My wife just couldn't bring herself to go to the vet with us and while we were gone Miya sat in my wife's lap and licked her tears away, as if she was saying "let me help you any way I can... I'm here for you." It's harder because they're a reminder that something's missing. When they come into the kitchen for a cookie you still expect to see Winston there with them, sitting quietly with his tail wagging, waiting for a treat. They're a reminder both of what we lost and what we still have.

I've cried more today than I have since he died... this website has been tremendously helpful in realizing that I'm not alone in my grief. Others have gone through it and it will eventually pass. It's just doesn't feel like it now.

And My Heart Cooper, thank you for sharing that story. It helps to know that someone who was in my same situation (an unexpected death of such a special animal) did eventually heal.

And just to bring a smile to the faces that are helping me, here's my two girls:



This is Takoda. She's your typical, floppy, lovable mutt. When she was not quite a year old she actually jumped through our glass front door to be with our son while he mowed the lawn. We took her to the vet for a cut on her leg and were told she was fine, but after that she started gimping that leg... she could run just fine but when she sat she'd sometimes hold that paw off the ground. Another trip to the vet and they found a shard of glass in her leg they removed surgically. Now, when Takoda is trying to get your attention and she feels your ignoring her, she'll whoof at you and when you look she gimps that same leg up.



This is Miya, Takoda's sister from the same litter. We originally got Takoda when she was a puppy from someone I worked with so Winston would have company.. when the woman called to confirm when I'd be there to get her she jokingly said "we have one other puppy from the litter left, do you want her too?" I laughed out loud and said "do we want her too?" and my wife said "Yes, we want her too". When Miya was a puppy she'd wake up early in the morning and I'd bring her downstairs, set her on my lap and pet her till she fell back asleep. She still likes to climb in my lap. She's more timid and shy than Takoda but still a huge loverbug.

Yesterday I went downstairs and had both of the girls with me. When I sat down on the couch to watch TV both of them crawled in my lap. 130 pounds of lab/huskie is awfully heavy but it was so comforting.

[mmh27]

Winston was absolutely adorable!!! And your girls are beautiful as well. I just want to say that I'm sorry for your loss and that I'm going through the same thing right now ( we lost our cat Husker to an unexpected illness on Thursday ) He was sweet, charming, funny, mischevious..the best cat ever...and putting him to sleep was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Every day I have to get on this forum for some comfort. It helps knowing that other people are going through and understand what I'm going through...or what your going through. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Maranda

[wchamilton]

Winston was absolutely adorable!!! And your girls are beautiful as well. I just want to say that I'm sorry for your loss and that I'm going through the same thing right now ( we lost our cat Husker to an unexpected illness on Thursday ) He was sweet, charming, funny, mischevious..the best cat ever...and putting him to sleep was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Every day I have to get on this forum for some comfort. It helps knowing that other people are going through and understand what I'm going through...or what your going through. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Maranda

I appreciate that... I'm finding a great deal of comfort here, and even though I've cried more this morning reading the posts here and talking about Winston it's good that I'm getting it out. Winston was a one-of-a-kind dog and his loss is just horrible.

And my thoughts and prayers to you as well on the loss of Husker.

[kurt_t]

One thing I've learned from this community is that we all have our what ifs. No matter how the end happens, accident, illness, old age, euthanasia, we go over and over in our minds what we did in those final months, days, hours, minutes, and we wonder what would have happened if we'd done something differently. And I think we all of us have to find a way to let go of the what ifs. For me, that meant telling myself that I made the best decisions I could have made at the time I was making them. Sounds like you did too. It doesn't sound like you behaved in an unreasonable or negligent manner. Our pets get loose sometimes. It just happens. And we usually figure they're going to be safe for a few minutes anyway.

[wchamilton]

One thing I've learned from this community is that we all have our what ifs. No matter how the end happens, accident, illness, old age, euthanasia, we go over and over in our minds what we did in those final months, days, hours, minutes, and we wonder what would have happened if we'd done something differently. And I think we all of us have to find a way to let go of the what ifs. For me, that meant telling myself that I made the best decisions I could have made at the time I was making them. Sounds like you did too. It doesn't sound like you behaved in an unreasonable or negligent manner. Our pets get loose sometimes. It just happens. And we usually figure they're going to be safe for a few minutes anyway.

Words cannot describe how glad I am I found this site... I'm getting what I've so desperately needed since Winston left us; non-judgmental support and advice. I just spent some time talking to my wife and she's starting to feel a bit better herself but we both never realized what a huge presence Winston was in our home and it's just empty without that.

I also told her, which she agrees with, that when the time is right we'll find another puppy somewhere who needs us as badly as Winston did, and he will grow up not to be Winston, but will be just as faithful and loving a companion as Winston was.

Everyone, thank you SO much... the tears that this site has been knocking loose from me all morning has made me feel like I'm starting to heal.

[ladywolf]

Sudden, accidental loss is horrifying, and carries much more "weight" with it than a peaceful death by old age does. I've had eleven dogs in my sixty years, and the two I lost by accident (or intentional malice, in one case) were way more shocking than the others. My grieving for the dogs, and most recently, my Ladywolf, who lived long, full, happy lives and passed in a natural way has been way less intense than my grieving for those I lost in sudden, shocking ways.

With Ladywolf, for example, she had visible cancerous tumors and diabetes, and was 15 years old, and her poor old body was just ready to go. My intense grieving only lasted a few weeks--now I am through it and out the other side, not yet two months later. I'm still sad, but not incapacitated by my sadness. The dog who may have been poisoned--Katy--I still grieve from time to time, and that was about ten years ago now. I can never think of her without wincing and feeling some pain.

So, are others have said so eloquently, there really is no quantitative answer to your question about "how long." Your mileage will vary! It will take as long as you and your wife need it to...

I'm so so sorry for your loss of Winston--it sounds like he was a very special, and a very lucky dog! I'm glad that you can conceive of getting another some day. Life does go on, and there are so many homeless pets who need people like us in their lives.

Big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Strange (my new kitten)

[wchamilton]

Sudden, accidental loss is horrifying, and carries much more "weight" with it than a peaceful death by old age does. I've had eleven dogs in my sixty years, and the two I lost by accident (or intentional malice, in one case) were way more shocking than the others. My grieving for the dogs, and most recently, my Ladywolf, who lived long, full, happy lives and passed in a natural way has been way less intense than my grieving for those I lost in sudden, shocking ways.

With Ladywolf, for example, she had visible cancerous tumors and diabetes, and was 15 years old, and her poor old body was just ready to go. My intense grieving only lasted a few weeks--now I am through it and out the other side, not yet two months later. I'm still sad, but not incapacitated by my sadness. The dog who may have been poisoned--Katy--I still grieve from time to time, and that was about ten years ago now. I can never think of her without wincing and feeling some pain.

So, are others have said so eloquently, there really is no quantitative answer to your question about "how long." Your mileage will vary! It will take as long as you and your wife need it to...

I'm so so sorry for your loss of Winston--it sounds like he was a very special, and a very lucky dog! I'm glad that you can conceive of getting another some day. Life does go on, and there are so many homeless pets who need people like us in their lives.

Big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Strange (my new kitten)

We've always had animals and Winston left a huge hole here when he left. When the time is right, we'll find the right dog, but nothing will ever take Winston's place, nor should it. Winston was a special dog, and the dog we get when the time is right will be a special dog as well, but because of who the dog is and not because he's a replacement for Winston.

My wife is starting to talk about him more now... this has been so hard on her; it breaks my heart to see her like this, so in addition to my own grief I have to watch someone I love hurt and know there's nothing I can do to alleviate that.

All we can do is grieve and move on. We'll soon laugh and smile at the memory of Winston and think of him fondly, not with grief.

And again, thank you all SO much. I can't even begin to describe how much help this has brought me... posting the story of Winston and reading the responses finally allowed me to cry, which I hadn't really done since Winston died. I spent most of the morning crying and felt cleansed afterwards.

[moon_beam]

Hi, WCHamilton, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Winston. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

One of the more difficult emotions to work through in this grief journey is the guilt. The "what ifs" "why didn't Is" "I wish I could haves" - - all of these and more just seem to overwhelm us. We are blessed with the love our precious companions bring to us. Unfortunately we are not provided the foresight of knowing the hows and when their journey will end with us on this side of eternity.

Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely. And this is one of the many reasons why losing their physical presence with us is so very painful - - both physically and emotionally.

WCHamilton, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences we will have on this side of eternity. It is a one day at a time journey, sometimes one minute at a time journey. One of the many things to remember is that you are not alone in this journey. It is good you have people at work who are supportive of what you are going through, and each of us on this forum are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your pictures and memories of Winston with us. Rest assured that his sweet Living Spirit is forever with you wherever you go and whatever you do in your heart and memories. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers during the very difficult time for you and your family, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[wchamilton]

Hi, WCHamilton, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Winston. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

One of the more difficult emotions to work through in this grief journey is the guilt. The "what ifs" "why didn't Is" "I wish I could haves" - - all of these and more just seem to overwhelm us. We are blessed with the love our precious companions bring to us. Unfortunately we are not provided the foresight of knowing the hows and when their journey will end with us on this side of eternity.

Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely. And this is one of the many reasons why losing their physical presence with us is so very painful - - both physically and emotionally.

WCHamilton, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences we will have on this side of eternity. It is a one day at a time journey, sometimes one minute at a time journey. One of the many things to remember is that you are not alone in this journey. It is good you have people at work who are supportive of what you are going through, and each of us on this forum are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your pictures and memories of Winston with us. Rest assured that his sweet Living Spirit is forever with you wherever you go and whatever you do in your heart and memories. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers during the very difficult time for you and your family, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much for the kind words... I've said before and I'll say again, this website has been an absolute godsend for me.

[wchamilton]

I can tell that I'm starting to heal... this morning I feel better than I did yesterday. I can read through these comments and messages of support and not break down sobbing. Winston was such a huge part of our family... there's just a big empty spot in the house where his presence and spirit used to be. The fact that I feel better today means that the healing is beginning; I spent three days an absolute wreck but this morning I can tell that healing has begun.

Now the biting grief is settling into a depression... alot of hobbies I used to take great pleasure in (World Of Warcraft, for example; my wife and I are huge gamers) just don't hold any appeal to me and I have zero appetite. Since Winston died I've eaten a 12" sub, three slices of pizza and 10 grilled shrimp mixed in rice. Right now I feel hungry but have no desire at all to eat.

I know that this is just part of the process... I went through something similar when my mother died. As I mentioned before her death taught me that the pain I'm feeling now will pass and I actually am finding myself looking forward to the day that our next furry companion finds its way to our home.

[Cheryl83]

Yes, what you're feeling now is completely normal. Once the intial, raw loss begins to subside -- a kind of hollow, aching depression does start to take over. It means you're starting to accept that they're really gone. The loss of interest in things is completely normal too. When seeing your friends, and being around people, you might feel like you're on the outside, looking in. You're probably just surviving at the moment. Try to eat little and often, I found that easier. Big meals will be hard to stomach. It is important to drink plenty of water and keep yourself hydrated. A lot of people don't realise about the physical effects grief can have on your body.

Take care of yourself and keep healing.

-- Cheryl x

[wchamilton]

Yes, what you're feeling now is completely normal. Once the intial, raw loss begins to subside -- a kind of hollow, aching depression does start to take over. It means you're starting to accept that they're really gone. The loss of interest in things is completely normal too. When seeing your friends, and being around people, you might feel like you're on the outside, looking in. You're probably just surviving at the moment. Try to eat little and often, I found that easier. Big meals will be hard to stomach. It is important to drink plenty of water and keep yourself hydrated. A lot of people don't realise about the physical effects grief can have on your body.

Take care of yourself and keep healing.

-- Cheryl x

The house is just so empty... it's heartbreaking. I'll walk into the kitchen and the girls will inevitably follow me to get a treat. I'll get them each a treat, look at them and as they sit there, tails wagging, waiting for their treat it's just heartbreaking to not see Winston there for his treat.

My emotions are all over the place... I feel better, then I start crying over something (like typing that last paragraph), then I'll be fine for awhile.

You all are so incredible for being here and offering such kind and caring support to someone you've never met. I fully intend on being a frequent visitor to this site and doing to others what you all have done for me.

[John S]

I am so sorry your loss of your beloved Winston. To loose him so suddenly and tragically can only magnify the pain. With old age or illness at least there is some expectation and preparation. However, as I found out, nothing can prepare us for the reality of the grief that hits us when the time finally arrives. Each one's journey through the process of grief is personal; but I have found here that there are amazing simalarities to the emotions we go through. Pain, guilt, lonliness, bad days and somewhat better days; these are all part of the process that we all have gone through and are still going through. As far as time goes there is no answer. It has been seven weeks since I lost my beloved cat Nikita and although the days are for the most part better there is still an emptiness that I feel may never be filled. Just the other night I laid in bed and thought about not feeling her near me, at my feet or snuggled up next to me and I started to cry. When we have a certain pet that becomes that special pet the loss is indescribable, at times unbearable. It's good that you work with people who understand, so many don't; that's why this site is so important. You can come here and express you feelings without shame or fear. Those of us on here understand and feel your pain.

Winston looks like he was such a special friend. One day the memories will be sweet and bring you joy. I know right now the pain and sorrow are still raw and the adjustment seems impossible. Try to stay strong, love your two girls and take each day as it comes. Remember you can come here to share and to grieve with others as you go this this time of sorrow.

Again I am so so sorry.
John

[wchamilton]

I re-read some of the comments people had posted in this thread and it just all hit me... the pain, the loss, everything, all at once. I could feel myself starting to break down at my desk and after a few minutes got up to try to find a private place for what I knew was coming. Both of our restrooms were occupied, there were no empty cubicles that didn't have someone sitting in the cubicle right next door.

I finally hid in the stairwell that serves as our fire exit and cried... cried like I haven't cried since he died. Big billowing sobs. But even in the stairwell I couldn't get total privacy as two of my area's managers used those stairs to go for a smoke and I had to explain to both of them why I was such a wreck. I cried, I sobbed, I told Winston I was sorry and how much I missed him. And I felt like at least some of the burden is lightened off of me.

All in all I got about ten minutes of solid crying in, and I think I probably have at least one more of those in me, but it felt so good to finally get it out.