Buck, My precious angel sleeps Options

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, I'm so sorry you are having a challenging week, in addition to all the other challenging days you've had to get through. I do so know what you mean about your home being the saddest and most peaceful place to be. It's where my heart longs to be whenever I leave for work or do errands.

Of course Buck is the best boy of all his siblings - - how could he NOT be?!!??!! I do understand what you mean about having extra time and the ones you would so enjoy sharing it with are no longer physically with you. It's one of the many hardest adjustments in this grief journey. I haven't put all of Oslo's things away either - - just can't bear to put his toys away, and I still have his raised feeding station in plain sight. It's comforting for me to have them out and about - - it's like his sweet precious Spirit knows he's still very much a part of his earthly home. I like that feeling.

As others have mentioned I wish to add that I, too, am sad that Daphne and Sera are still not friends. By the way, has Sera grown her fur back yet? Does she enjoy being brushed now? It does sound like Daphne is trying to work her way into your heart, Donna. I do understand how difficult it is giving your home, and heart, to someone else when it is not ready to do so. You are to be commended for giving these two homeless waifs a safe home. Sometimes love is more than what you can feel in your heart alone, Donna. Compassion for a living creature in need is also the action of love - - a genuine universal love that you have for all creatures. And Daphne and Sera know that you care about their well-being, Donna.

Donna, I hope you and your husband will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Thank you ever so much, Moonbeam. You always know just what to say to not only comfort but to explain how I feel better than I do.
I hope everyone is having a better week emotionally than I am. Although, from reading the other posts, I don't think they are. I just feel rotten. I'm at that place where you truely feel you'll never get better and that if you laid down you could literally die. I know I'll survive and I know I'll get better but that's where I am this week.
Thank you so much. What would I do without this place to express my feelings? Explode, I suppose!

-Donna

Dear boys, Mommy's having a hard time. You guys were all of the right in the world. There's none left. It feels that way anyway. I can't describe the depth of my longing for you. Each evening I can't control my tears. It just hurts to even breathe.
-Mommy

[ladywolf]

I'm not having a much better week than you are, Donna. I'm deeply depressed again, particularly today, which marks the one-month anniversary of Ladywolf's death. I'm hiding out at home, in the tiny home that I can no longer afford, trying to maintain some shred of sanity. I feel really rotten too, but it has as much to do with a lack of money as it does to do with Lady, unfortunately.

But I feel like you do--I don't know what I'd do without this marvelous Forum. This is the only place that I can let people know how truly rotten I feel without fear of reprisal or judgement. I have good friends who understand to a degree, but not to the degree that people here do.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, Donna, but it seems, somehow, like it's right "on schedule," judging from the postings of others.

Keep the faith!

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

[tahoeden]

Donna,

You put it simply and to the point, "It feels like we can never get better and could lay down and die." Some nights I go to bed and say that it's OK if I don't wake up anymore, just don't make me suffer anymore. What would Buck tell us right now? What would any of our lost loved ones say to us or tell us to do? Probably nothing...they would just accept us and want to be with us as much as we with them. It's just hard. Just wanted to say hello, thinking of you.

Dennis

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you're doing today. It takes a very long time for life to be "right" again when the source of our joy for life has been physically removed from us. And our lives are never "right" the same way - - the way we desperately want them to be right - - ever again There are so many things that I wish with all my heart that could be different - - for the better.

Donna, with everything that you have gone through wtih Frasier you did not really have a chance to grieve for him and find a peace in your heart before you had to face the reality of losing Niles, and then Buck. So now you're grieving all of them at once, and I know you are feeling like you are in a dark abyss of grief and loss. I share the pain that is in your heart, Donna - - I sincerely do, and I wish with all my heart that I could take it away from you.

I wish there were some words I could say that could help comfort you, Donna, and bring some peace to you. I wish your heart wasn't so filled with despair, for this deepens the grief you are feeling.

The only thing I can offer you, Donna, is my friendship and reassurance that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray with all my heart that you and your husband will have a paceful evening tonight, Donna, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever you feel up to posting. And I hope with all my heart that somehow you can feel each of us reaching out to you across the miles holding onto you. Hold onto us, Donna, so that we may be your strength. We are here, Donna, for as long and as often as you need us.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Moonbeam, thank you for your friendship and as always for your right-on-the-button words.

Dear Buck, I hope you enjoyed the fireworks Daddy lit for you last night. I could almost hear you barking at them. Every year we enjoyed setting them off for you. Although I always worried you'd bite one! I miss kissing your face. I can't even begin to find words to describe the loss.

Love, Mommy

[tahoeden]

Donna and Dave,

You said it all, "I miss kissing your face." That tugs on my heart strings. What amazing creatures that we could feel so connected by just nuzzling them nose to nose.

Dennis

[Westiesam/Sharon]

Hi Donna
I'm sorry that I haven't posted in your thread before today -- I see that tomorrow it will be one month since you've lost your beloved Buck -- that's still a hard place to be in at that point in time -- everything is so raw and new and painful. Tomorrow it will be 7 months since Sammy's gone. I'm going through the closet tonight to clean out clothes that I'm not wearing anymore and I"ve just come across some t-shirts that I wore when I walked Sammy -- quite often we drove to a walking trail about 6 miles from home -- it followed the Missouri River and it truly was Sam's favorite place to walk. I'd hold her on my lap on the way there and back so all my t-shirts had tiny holes in them from her nails breaking through the shirt. Even after 7 months this almost brings me to my knees Donna -- it just plain old hurts. What I wouldn't give to hold that little bundle of fur in my lap again - to see new holes punched into a shirt! I wish you peace and a sense of knowing that your beloved Buck knows how much you love him still.

Take care
Sharon

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you are doing - - to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Life here is hot and dry in the Virginia Blue Ridge / Piedmont Mountains. There is a region wide burn ban except in the national park camping areas that are patrolled by park rangers. With the exception of a couple of days I haven't been able to have the big door open for Noah because of the need to run the upstairs AC unit, which helps to keep the basement cool. This evening however I may need to turn the basement AC on just to freshen the air a bit and get rid of some of the humidity.

Noah is doing well, basically. He's been having some tummy upsets but I think that has been due to furballs. Since Abbygayle joined the angels I haven't been giving him the kitty laxative for furballs as frequently - - because he always would groom her long plush fur. But I think he still needs an occasional dose to compensate for his own grooming. Those furballs can be very treacherous on the tummy and overall emissions system. He goes in for his teeth cleaning on the 22nd, and I must confess I am a bit anxious about that. I will be so glad when it's done and he's back home safe and sound.

Donna, your posts always touch my heart, my friend, and I know your responses are a comfort to the other Forum participants. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and will look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Sharon, thank you for your response. Your photo is so beautiful. Because I know the memories it represents, it's hard to look at it.
Moonbeam, thank you for your update and for checking in on me. I'm anxious for Noah too about his teeth cleaning. I so hope it goes well. Sera needs it too but we're trying to recover a little financially before we take her back in.
I haven't been reading anyone's threads lately and only come to lurk a little. While on the outside everything looks fine, I'm really hurting on the inside. I'm missing my boys so much. I haven't been writing because I just don't have words to describe what's in my heart right now. It's just too deep.
I want to read what others have written in hopes to respond to them and offer some comfort. But, everytime I try, I just don't have anything to say that would sound comforting. Not a good place to be.
We went to pay our vet bill yesterday and return a few things. As we got closer to the office, I knew I wouldn't be able to go in so I asked David to do it. Thankfully, he did. I sat in the parking lot and found I couldn't even look at the building. It represents so many memories for me. I know I've mentioned that I used to work there. Well, I didn't just work there. I helped to start the practice and it was my baby for a long time. As the office manager, I gave it everything I had until I didn't have anything left to give and had to move on. But I got all of my babies there while I was working there. When I left the practice, I felt a dream die. It was very difficult for me. Losing the boys not only closes that chapter of my life, but closes the book as well. Needing to distance myself from the office for my emotions' sake is one of the reasons I didn't want more pets.
So, anyway, I'm in a difficult place. So forgive me for not writing as much but I'm thinking of everyone on here many times during the day.
-Donna

[Cheryl83]

Hi Donna,

Sorry to hear you're not doing so well at the moment. It's completely understandable why you couldn't go into the vets office. Don't worry about not feeling able to post much - we all understand. Just take care of yourself and take each day as it comes.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs. Cheryl xx

[ladywolf]

Awww, Donna, what a heavy thing to have to go through. I really feel for you. As you said, it's not only a chapter that closed but a whole book, and that is incredibly difficult and painful. I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. You DID give your all, and you should feel proud of that...

We understand when it's just too painful to come here, we really do. So we appreciate hearing from you when you can, and won't expect anything when you can't. I'm sorry that your heart is so heavy these days.

Big big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Terrible

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, thank you so much for letting us know how things are going for you. I can so understand how difficult going back to the vet's office was for you, and how totally empty and devastated you're feeling. It certainly does feel like the life you have known has died. Change of any kind, and particularly the drastic changes you have experienced, is a type of "death" or "loss." It takes time to "re-define" ourselves - - to figure out "where do I go from here" and to feel comfortable in the process of establishing the "new" life, routines, etc..

Donna, as Cheryl and Margi have already said, I, too, add my sincerest encouragement for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you - - that you are NOT forgotten - - that you are NOT "falling through the cracks." We are here for you whenever you're up to sharing with us whatever is in your heart and on your mind.

Please take care, Donna, and please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tahoeden]

Hi Donna,

I too have been doing some "lurking". I was really impressed that you were a founding father/mother of the vet office. Think how many lives, animals, hearts and souls you have touched and made a difference in their lives due to your foresight and motivation. Like the movie, Pay It Forward, what you started spreads out geometrically. You are one of the very special people here, among the special people here, expressing your sincerity, pain, sorrow and coping skills. Going thru Buck's old age and last days was a saga that we all went thru with you. It's always been evident your love for Buck. Please take care.

Dennis

[tanbuck]

Cheryl, Margi, Dennis, and Moonbeam, your words have touched me beyond my ability to respond sufficiently. The support I've gotten here has been unbelievable! Thank you all so much as we all hold hands through this hard journey. The good thing about this forum is that when one is down, others are in a "up" place to help. It's just incredible. You're all great friends. Thank you so much.
-Donna

[tanbuck]

Dear boys, this song says it all (although I changed a few words around to fit)

I sheltered you from harm
Kept you warm, Kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, Set me free
The finest years I ever knew,
We're all the years I had with you

And I would give everything I own,
I'd give my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.

You taught me how to love,
What its all, what its all
You never said too much
But still you showed the way
And I knew from I'm watching you
Nobody else will ever know
The part of me that can't let go

I would give anything I own
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again

Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for-granted
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own,
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home,
I would give everthing I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again

Sweet dreams, baby boys.
-Mommy

[tanbuck]

Angel boys, thank you for the white feathers this morning. I hear you loud and clear. I love you each and every one. Kisses to you.
-Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, your letters to your boys always touch my heart. I can feel your love reaching out to them - - I hope you can feel their forever love reaching back to you.

I hope this weekend will be a peaceful one for you, my friend. Please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you're doing. I hope that life is treating you kindly these days, my friend. Please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Hi Moonbeam. Can't say that life is treating me kindly but it could be worse. I won't go into all the boring details but I appreciate you checking in on me. My computer is back but I've been trying not to get on it that much. I realized while it was gone that I'm it waaaay too much. Need to be more productive, I think. Just can't figure out what I should produce!
I'm sorry about Hank. But I'm glad that Noah is more peaceful now. That's all that matters. Take care of that little booger! And take care of yourself. I'm sure the whole experience was upsetting to you.
-Donna

Dear boys,
Frasier, it's been 11 months. Niles, it's been 4 months. Buck, it's been almost 2 months. When I first started reading this forum, someone said that our grief becomes a part of who we are. It is so true. It doesn't go away. Frasier, it moved in when you left and it decided to stay. I can never be who I was before. I had you before. Now I only have memories. I still can't believe that you're ALL gone. I need you guys to talk to.
Buck, all of your things are still here. Just like the grief, I think they will always be here. I just don't see us getting rid of anything. Boys, I just don't have words. I'm sorry. Sweet dreams, little men.
Mommy