Very Bad Week Options

[John S]

It's been three weeks since I lost Nikita and these last few days have been really bad. It may be because we got her ashes back but it feels like I have lost her all over again. I'm going through a phase of heavy guilt; I have convinced myself that she didn't need to die but that I must have made some bad choices or bad decsions during her illness that led to her death. I keep playing the last four months through my mind and saying what if I had done this or what if I had tried this? Today I came home for lunch alone for the first time since she's been gone and it was really hard. I allowed myself to go through the motions of things I did while she was alive for the first time. I went to where food dish was to check it, I told her that her dad had to go back to work and I would see her later. I wouldn't let myself do this before but today I just let myself go. Sometimes I think I must be crazy; I'm a grown man, I have grown children, I've lost family members, I've lost friends, I've lost other pets, I've been through a divorce but I don't think anything has affected me like losing Nik has. I am not particularly a cat person; I've always liked cats and we always had cats when I was growing up but I always was more of a dog lover. But I developed a bond with Nik that I never had before and now I just can't believe that she's gone. It seems so unreal to not have her here; when I come home she's not here, when I go to bed she's not there, it is just not right without her. I miss her so much I hope that this grief will pass.