Buck, My precious angel sleeps Options

[moon_beam]

Dear Donna, It's almost 2:45 p.m. here in Virginia, and I'm getting caught up on your posts. One of the many very hardest things to adjust to is what to do with the time that was filled with Buck, Frasier, and Niles. You find yourself feeling so empty and aimless - - drifting without a purpose. "Normal" really has a fluctuating definition. Whoever thought of this word anyway? It's applied to so many things. My definition of "normal" now is "whatever seems to be happening at the moment" because I really can't depend on anything staying the same for any prolonged period of time.

Donna, it's so good that you and your husband are being able to talk about and share the memories you have of your precious boys. And I hope you will feel the comfort in your hearts they are still your boys - - always your boys - - forever - - wherever you go and whatever you do they are always with you, always and forever a very integral part of you which neither time nor temporary physical separation can ever change or take away from you.

Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you and your husband are doing, and just to let you know that you are close in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[MishasMom]

Donna,

I'm so sorry to hear of Buck's passing. There is nothing that can compare to the hurt and longing that we have when our beloved pets leave us. I believe that we will see them in heaven again.

Misha'smom -Karen

[janika]

Thinking of you Donna. Sending Hugs to you and your husband and your darling Angels.

Love Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

[tanbuck]

Thank you all for thinking of me. I was off the forum yesterday because I just didn't want to turn the computer on and then find I'd done nothing else but sit at the computer. I need some decompression time. I'm trying to sit quietly and absorb the situation. But I will say, that the 2 girl kitties are making it hard because they keep piercing the quiet with their screaming! They hate one another. It'll get better but I don't have the patience for their process.
But as much as I have lamented them both being here, I now know that at least Daphne had to be here. I always knew Niles had sent her for a reason but now the reason is becoming clear. She has had this soul-ful way of looking at us since she got here. At times it's sort of creepy and sad. But since Buck died, she will sit and stare at our faces right in the eyes as if she knows. Niles did that to me, too. She has his expression. But now she sticks close by and lets us hold her for awhile. I walked into the kitchen Tuesday morning and my husband was standing there holding her with his eyes closed just rocking back and forth. I asked him if she was comforting him and he said yes. She sat in my lap for a long time yesterday and just stared at me. I'm calling her the Great Comforter.
I realized yesterday that for Buck's whole life I was concerned with taking care of his every need and want but didn't realize the joy I was receiving in return. He gave so much to us, it's just beyond words to describe so I won't even try. I can tell that I'm not going to have a good day with this today. Now that some time has passed, the "real" missing him has begun. You know, in the very beginning you're just trying to realize what is gone and that it is gone. But then you start missing them. The absence sets in. That's where I am today. I plan to write him a letter later on this thread but I'm too fragile right now to do it.
Anyway, I hope everyone will have a "good" day today.
-Donna

[madi]

Thinking of you today Donna, I know where you're at, I've been there and I know you have been there too. All I can do is offer my support and prayers and hope that you find some peace in your life soon. Hugs xx


madi xx

[Cheryl83]

Donna,

I completely understand when you say that the "real" missing them has set in. At first you can't quite believe or accept that they're gone. But once you do, that's when the real hurt sets in. It may not be as sharp and raw as the intial hurt when you first lose them. It's different... it's more like a dull, heavy, intense ache. Maybe that's why we feel like we've taken three steps backwards. Because this part of the grieving process is so hard to deal with.

I'm so glad that Niles sent you a "living angel" to help guide you through this tough time.

Thinking of you and your angels.

Love, Cheryl X

[tanbuck]

Having a horrible day. Grief is strangling me. Just a physically and emotionally horrible day.

[moon_beam]

Dear Donna, it does take a little while for the reality of loss to sink in, which begins after the immediate shock of the loss wears off. I can feel your heartbreak and heartache in your posts, Donna, and I share it with you. I'm glad that Daphne is now becoming a source of comfort for you and your husband. It's not the same as holding your boys, but she knows the depth of your heart's sorrow, and she has the heart to want so much to comfort you.

I wish there was an easier way through your grief, Donna, for you, your husband, and everyone here in this forum. I just hope you can feel the comforting compassion and encouragement that is reaching across the miles to you. Please know you and your husband are close in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[patricia]

i couldnt have said it better myself moonbeam. remember to breathe donna. you are in my prayers.
patricia

[tanbuck]

Thank you both so much. I do feel your support and hugs. I think that the magnitude of all my losses both pet and people over the last year just came down on me today. I feel better but as you all know, it will be back. But thank you all. It's immensely helpful to know that some people really really do know exactly what I feel.
-Donna

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, it's late Sunday afternoon here and I'm just checking in to say "hi" to let you know you and your husband are in my thoughys and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ladywolf]

Hi Donna--

It's mid-Sunday afternoon here, and I'm just checking in too. I am hoping that you are having a better day today. I know--there are days of strangling and days of breathing freely, and you never know ahead of time which kind of day it's going to be!

Sending you lots of love--

Margi and Spiritwolf

[tanbuck]

Hey Moonbeam and Margi. I'm ok. Just been spending time with the husband. It's been very quiet as you might imagine. I hope you both have a good day tomorrow.

And to my boys:

Dear Frasier, my little bean bean. BEANPOLE BENAPOULOS!! I'm clapping my hands as you bounce down the hallway. I hope you're being a good boy now that Buck is with you. You haven't visited since Niles came to you except what I see of you in little Daphne. She loves to be chased just like you. And she's very jealous, just like you. You little worm! I miss you so much. You were the only one I got to grieve separately. And now I grieve for you with the others. I'll never stop. My love, sleeping will never be the same. I miss you snuggling up against me. The rest and peace I knew with you nestled in my side is one of God's greatest gifts to me. I cherish every minute of your life with us. You stole my heart so many years ago. And you never gave it back. I love you, little man. I love you.

Dear Niles, Mommy's special friend. My precious little king. I've not written to you, really. My very first baby, you were. I'm still blocking out so much of your death. Other than the white feather on your grave, you've given me no signs. I wish you would visit and let me know you're ok. Please know that the "lack" of grieving for you isn't a lack at all. I'm avoiding it still. You deserved a better passing than you got. It wasn't my choosing. A light went out inside me that morning. I've turned away from the scar it left on me. I can't look at it yet. I've also not written because our communication went much deeper. I don't know how to communicate with you now. I can still picture the little mouth quiver you'd give me every single morning when I'd come back to the bedroom before leaving. I'd stand in the doorway and point to you and pat my heart. And then you'd just barely open your mouth and your whiskers would quiver. I miss that so much. The only comfort in your death was that Frasier needed you. And maybe I'm kidding myself into believing all that. Maybe none of it's true. Maybe each one of you has just returned to the earth. I don't know but I'll take comfort wherever I can get it. And I choose to believe that Frasier needed you. You were such a fighter. And it was because of that, that I let your battle go on for so long. You'd come back from certain death before, how could I not give you the chance again? Please forgive me. I tried to help you. It didn't go at all the way I wanted. Please forgive me, Niles. I love you, little man. I love you.

Dear Buck, BD. THE BOO! There just aren't words, big guy. It's still too soon. I look around and all over the house are your things. Everything is still in it's place except for your blanket from the living room since we buried it with you. All of your toys are here just as you left them except for the soccer ball you have with you. Daddy says we'll leave your table and bowls as you left them forever. He doesn't want them moved. It's painful to look at your little table. It's painful to look at everything. I can't breathe without thinking of you. As with Frasier and then Niles, I wasn't done being your mommy. I wasn't done taking care of you. I had more work in me to do for you. As I'm sure you knew it would be this way, the neighborhood is missing you. You had quite a fan club. You were the first dog in the neighborhood. We're about to enter a new week without you. You're still a part of the week we're in. I don't want to move forward. I miss spooning you. I miss giving you massages. I miss hearing you eating in the kitchen. I miss you interrupting daddy and me while we're trying to talk. I missed you desperately yesterday morning when we went for breakfast. I haven't finished a meal since you left. The list goes on and on, Boo. Just writing this is giving me that suffocating feeling again. Thank you for the white feather. You've each given me one. But I want more. I want to know you're still here. Please, BD. I miss you and your brothers desperately and completely. I love you, big man. I love you.
-Mommy

Heaven to me:

[tahoeden]

Ditto to everything you just said. I couldn't have expressed it any better. Like you said, you are almost starting your second week without Buck (I'm starting my second month without Kota), and you don't want to leave that week behind. I know that the longer time goes on, the farther we get away from when they were with us, and then they really become a memory. And it hurts to think of them as just a memory, when the real thing is the only comfort there is. You've suffered so many losses...thank god that you and your husband have each other to share in the pain and grief.

As I've stated before, from the end of The Lord of the Rings, when Frodo says, "Some wounds go to deep...some hurts never heal." In your last posting to your "kids", you expressed what you, I and many others here feel and think. I wish everyone on this site, could go back in time, bring their lost loved ones, and all of us meet and see each others pets as they were in their prime. But alas, these kind of wishes don't come true. All we can do is listen to each other express their grief, loss, pain, and hopes. And in that, we don't have to be totally alone. Thanks for what you wrote, it expressed the words that were stuck in my throat and heart.

Dennis

[Brutus]

oh Donna, what a great pic! Thinking of you. Hugs.

Sonya

[madi]

That is a lovely picture of Buck, Frasier and Niles, they all look so happy and relaxed. It's amazing how dogs and cats can live harmoniously together like they do. I have three dogs and two cats and they all lay around together. I am so sorry for the grief you are going through, I just wish I could do more to help you, but I know this journey and I know there is no quick fix to how you are feeling, so I just want you to know I am thinking of you and sending my support and prayers to you and your husband. xx

madi xx

[karen - casey]

Hi Donna,

I love the pictures you have posted. I was not able to get on the forum this weekend. We were working on a garage and Saturday evening I had to take one of my foster babies to the ER clinic - she is not thriving at all. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I can only imagine how hard it has been on you. I am so sorry you have suffered so many losses in such a short period of time. Remember you are not alone, we all know how you feel. As you know all too well, it is a very difficult journey we are on. I am still having a difficult time accepting Shelby is gone. Sometimes I just do not think it is real.

Karen

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, Thank you so much for sharing that wonderful picture of your babies with us. They truly look like they are the "men of the manor."

Your letter to Frasier, Niles, and Buck brings a lump to my throat for what you express from your heart is true love from a mother's heart. It is important to take comfort in your heart in what is best for you.

Donna, you did the very best you could for your precious babies, and I know Frazier, Niles, and Buck are smiling and remembering the good life they shared with you and your husband during their journey with you and your husband on this side of eternity. I can just envision what a joyful reunion they are planning for you and your husband when it is your appropriate times to join them in eternal joy.

But for now it is painful to make it through the adjustment of not having their precious lives here with you. Donna, you and your husband are frequently in my thoughts and prayers each day, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Thank you again everyone for checking in on me. Moonbeam, thank you so much for your eloquent reply. You described the way I feel exactly correct.
We're doing o.k. It's just hard, you know? All in all, I guess we're doing well. I'm working all week so I've got something to focus on, at least. We've received so many sympathy cards from co-workers and neighbors. Buck had quite a following. I called the vet's office today to find out how bad the damage was on our bill so I could prepare myself as they said they'd send me a statement. And although I still owe for the bloodwork and fluids, the vet waived the euthanasia and house call fees. He said it was on him because we'd had enough. He's a class act. Especially knowing that he cut short a dinner date with his daughter to come to our house that night. I'm so grateful we have him.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that we're muttling through. It comes and goes, as you all know.
-Donna