Abbygayle's Journey Options

[moon_beam]

My dear friends, I can't believe tomorrow, April 15, will be 30 days exactly since my beautiful baby girl joined the angels. This has been one of the longest months in my life. It seems to have gone by in a daze. The last couple of weeks I have started working on her memorial - - with Noah's help. He has been here by my side at the computer watching me work and plan and go back to the "drawing board."

I did an internet search on "scrapbooking" and came across a couple of ideas that I hadn't ever thought of before. One of them - - a memorial bookmark - - I'm doing. I found a good program on BookmarksGalore.com and have added that to my computer and have the bookmark pretty much finished in its design. Now all I need to do is print it out. I'm making enough for everyone at the vet office and other folks who I believe will appreciate it. And then I'm doing a memorial video / slide show of her brief life with a combination of narrative slides and pictures set to music. I still have some work to do on the slides but I think in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to start putting that together on my computer as well. And I'll make copies of it for everyone at the vet's office as well, like I did for Oslo.

It has been hard sometimes working on this but it has also helped me to stay focused on her life. There are still LOTS of difficult moments to get through. I think this past Sunday was the first Sunday that I hadn't spent most of the day in bed sobbing from sheer emotional exhaustion, which was good for my precious little Noah. He is such a sweet little fella, and I am so glad he is here with me.

I want you to know that I feel truly blessed to know each of you through this wonderful forum. Thank you so much for your genuine caring support and encouragement and comfort. Please know each of you are close in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Moonbeam, thank you for your reply on my post. You don't sound like a broken record! You're right, we need to be reminded and reminded and reminded. I think it's great that you have so many creative outlets to memorialize your babies. We've planted a peony for Frasier and have ordered Niles' peony. We have one picked out for Buck when we lose him. We also received a plant called a Winter Daphne in their memory from my mother-in-law. We planted that too. It's really weird because she didn't know anything about the name Daphne from the tv show, she just loved the way the plant smelled. She also didn't know that we had decided if we got another cat that it would be a girl and we would name her Daphne. (more about her later - not ready to tell her story yet) The whole thing was really strange. I also have been wearing an angel wing pendant on a chain since Frasier got sick. It comforts me and I kiss it sometimes when I'm thinking of them. After he died, I became obsessed with finding a piece of jewelry that would symbolize all three of them. And since they were born in the same month, I chose to go with their November birthstone. So, I found a set of 5 rings with one having their stone and I had "Precious Angels" engraved inside the band. I wear them to represent the 3 of them and my husband and myself because that is our whole family. And lastly, my husband gave me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas which has their initials engraved on it. I wear it every day. Little things, but they help.
Like I'm sure you feel, I just can't believe they're gone. They're not an active part of my life anymore. I don't want people to get to know me and not know about them. They weren't part of my life, they were part of me. They're memories now. I hate that most of all. Each day we get further and further away from when they were physically with us - you and me. I don't know how to not say I have a dog and 2 cats. That was our family. I can't say when people ask if I have pets that I used to have 2 cats and a dog but now I have a dog and another cat. That's crazy, who would care?
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your reply and to say how great I think it is that you're making all those things in their memory. Give Noah a big hug. I know he needs it. Thank you so much for your support and caring words. I've relied on them and those of the other people on this forum to survive. I couldn't have done it without y'all.
-Donna

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, thank you so much for your wonderful comfort and support. Oh, how well I understand what you mean about your furkids being your family for you and your husband. I'm the only human in my household, and when I write letters I include my furkdis' names along with mine in the signature and have included pawprints next to their names for their signature - - One large for Oslo and three small - - one each for Eli, Noah, and Abbygayle. Well, now there's just one small pawprint for Noah - - and what a smack on the side of the head that is.

What a wonderful way to memorialize your precious furkids with flowers - - living plants that will always represent your furbabies sweet living Spirits. Your necklace and bracelet sound so beautiful. I had thougt about getting a heart shaped pendant to have it engraved with my furkids' names as well to wear, but haven't looked into that yet. I guess one of the reaons why I do memorial projects is to make sure they are never forgotten by the others whose lives they touched during their journey -- the vets, vet techs, etc.. Their lives are so busy with the "present" clients and the files of "closed" clients are stored away. With these projects they are things that they can use and or watch that can help keep my furbabies' memories alive with others - - at least for awhile. Their memories will ALWAYS be alive for me, as your memories of Niles and Frasier and all your precious furkids will ALWAYS be alive for you and your husband.

It's hard not having a house full of eager energy. I ask God to help Noah not feel lonely, - - he used to have three fur siblings to keep him company and now he only has me. I know he would benefit from having another fur friend to play with but I just can't bear the thought of bringing another furchild home right now. I know I'm not ready to bond with another furkid and I'm not sure Noah is ready yet either. So, I guess all we can do is just muddle through this grief nightmare together one day at a time.

Donna, thank you again so mcuh for your thoughtful comfort and support. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Dear Lightning Strike Friends, today is April 25, and it is 40 days now since my precious Abbygayle joined the angels. Noah is snuggled here next to me as I write to you. He very seldom wants to be far from me now. I have finished my memorials of my beautiful Abbygayle and am in the process of burning the DVD's of her video. For the music I selected "The Rose" and "All I Ask of You" - - the latter song from Webber's Phantom of the Opera. They are both instrumentals of the songs which I downloaded from the internet. This is the very last thing I can do for her - - just her. And now, for real, it is just Noah and me. He is such a precious little soul, and I am very blessed to have him with me. But I am still very saddened that he is now an "only child" for the first time in his almost 7 years of life. But right now I cannot bear the thought of adopting another fur child. I'm not ready for that -- not yet. And I certainly don't want Noah to think that I am trying to "replace" his fur siblings.

I just want to thank each of you so much for sharing Abbygayle's, and Oslo's, journey with me. There is still a lot of healing to do, and I know that I have your encouragement and support every step of the journey. And I hope you know you have mine with each of your journeys as well.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ladywolf]

Hi Moon Beam--

I was just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing this week?

You are so kind and thoughtful and giving of yourself to others--I hope that you show that same kindness to yourself! You have been so thoughtful and helpful to me, and I want you to know how much I truly appreciate it.

Here's hoping that you're having an easier week than last week was...

Big, big hugs from Margi and the Wolf

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, thank you so much for thinking of me. Life here is one day at a time. I have been working on Abbygayle's memorial video, and have it done. I have been making copies of it to give to the vet and vet techs who took such good care of her through the years, as well as the folks who rescued her and Noah, and other interested family members and friends. In addition to the video I made memorial bookmarks, and am waiting for another order of the paper to print out some more to cover everyone on my list so far, and any additional requests that may come. The music for her video are "The Rose" and "All I Ask of You" from Webber's Phantom of The Opera. It's 8 minutes 34 seconds in length.

Noah is such a sweet natured, loving, devoted little fella. I am so blessed to have him here with me. I got a call from my sister in law asking me if I wanted to adopt a kitten from one of her friend's whose cat had a litter - - it was to be a "replacement" for Abbygayle. It was all I could do to keep from crying but I was able to thank her for thinking of me but told her it was way too soon for me to think of doing anything like that - - for both Noah and me. My family members have totally different viewpoints about "animals", and I know they think I am "nutsy" with mine. Noah and I need this time together just to be with each other.

I do miss my Oslo, even though he was no longer able to go on walks with me to the mailbox, he would be sitting at the gate watching me and waiting for me to come back. Now that the weather has turned warmer it's lonely going to get the mail and not having him waiting for me at the gate. There are times still when I just can't believe my little household has dwindled to one precious furchild in such a short period of time. Sometimes I wonder what I did so wrong to warrant this punishment because my furkids are so very much a central part of the purpose of my life. Yes, I can live without any furkids, but when I have the privilege of their presence with me they are the central part of my life. It's hard to believe that it has only been 7 weeks since my Abbygayle joined the angels. I wish this grief journey was easier to get through, - - for everyone here as well as for me.

Thank you again, Margi, for thinking of me. I hope that life is treating you and Ladywolf kindly, and I will look forward to hearing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[karen - casey]

Margi is right. You were there with you kind words when I lost my Casey and you have been there for me this time also. I can not thank you enough for your words of support. I know you have suffered a great loss also, yet you have such kindness to give to others. I understand what you mean about family not totaling understanding. People tell me I need to learn to just move passed it and go on. They tell me Shelby was an old cat. I know that and that is one of the reasons I missed some of the signs she was sick, I just thought they were due to her being older. One of the girls at work just said to me yesterday "are you still upset about Shelby?" to me that was hurtful, of course I am (I don't think she meant it in the wrong way, but...). I will probably feel upset for some time to come. Yes, I will go on with life, as we all will, but we will never forget our little fur-kids. I am so glad I found this site, it has been a life saver to me. My sister also mentioned a black cat they were talking about on TV that needs a home "a lap cat", but I too am just not ready to adopt another cat. Someday I will be, but that day is a long way off. My other sister who lost her dog some time back understands, as she had a very difficult time with dealing with the loss. I am glad that I have her to talk to. My husband deals with things like this better than I do. He loved Shelby and he was extremely close to Casey, but he is able to adjust and move on a little better than me - he keeps telling me I need to let go and stop thinking about it - easier said than done for me. I know you are hurting too - you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a special person.

Karen

[ladywolf]

Hi Karen and Moon Beam and everyone--

I kind of laughed a little when you referred to "our little fur-kids," since mine weighs 115 pounds, and I can't budge her!

But I completely understand what you mean about other people not understanding. A lot of people either don't have pets, or they don't have them in the same way that we do. Some people can "have" a dog or a cat, bury that dog or cat, and just move on. I don't know how, but they do. They just don't experience the level of mutual devotion that people like us do--and therefore, the total devastation we feel when our beloveds depart. And the people who have never had animals at all--I don't trust 'em an inch! (Unless they're wildly allergic or something, in which case they may still be animal lovers and understand.)

I doubt that the girl at work meant any harm when she asked if you were still upset about Shelby, but there's nothing wrong with you being upset by that question, either. She was probably just curious and concerned--but for you, it scratched off a scab that's only beginning to heal.

I get questions sometimes like, "Oh, is your old wolf still around?" and I want to scratch their eyes out! "My old wolf" is my life-partner--she is my husband and my wife and my children all rolled up into one, since I have no other living family at all. Same thing when they say something like, "Well, she IS old, it must be her time." It will NEVER be "her time" for me, even if and when "her time" comes for her. Or someone will even say, "You mean, you can't leave her home alone? Do you think it might be time to..." How thoughtless. How rude. How painful to hear!

This is one reason that this Forum is so so important--we all understand what total devotion to our animals is about, and about the rupture they leave behind when they leave us. I wish that I COULD be a bit more philosophical about it, and sometimes I'm able to be--after all, Ladywolf IS about 15, and as one poster here said recently, wisely, about his own cat, "That's about warranty." But imagine, you non-animal people out there who hurt our feelings, intentionally or accidentally, if the car dealer showed up on your door the day your warranty expired and said, "Well, that's it. We're taking your car back today. You won't be able to drive anymore." Would they be upset? You betcha'!!

Everyone who can, keep on coming back here. Ladywolf has friends all over the world, but none of them are here where I live, so I have only two people in Arizona I can really talk to about it. (My out-of-town friends all agree that Ladywolf was supposed to be immortal!)

Karen, take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself. Choose your company wisely until you feel stronger. Well, actually, ALWAYS choose your company wisely. Anyone who can't understand my bond with my Wolf is not someone I particularly want to have in my universe--that's one reason my universe here in AZ. is small! Give yourself plenty of time, and come here and let it all out anytime you want to...

Big Hugs--Margi and the Wolf

[moon_beam]

Hi, Karen, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comforting words. I am so sorry that you had that experience with your co-worker. Margi is right that many people "have" companon animals - - like property - - and consequently they never experience the physical, emotional, and spiritual bond with their fur family members like you, Margi, Donna, me, and all our Lightning Strike friends do. Listening to the conversations of the other employees in my office about their household "animals" I choose not to share my personal life with them because I know what I would hear - - which is exactly what you heard - - and I prefer to spare myself from that hurtful experience.

For whatever it is worth - - if it helps you at all - - clinical studies show that men grieve differently from women, so it is no surprise that you share that your husband appears to be able to "move on" or "adjust" easier to Casey's and Shelby's passing. However, I hope that he is able to be a source of comfort to you - - even though he may stumble through the process - - and that you are able to share with each other your feelings of grief and your memories of your precious furkids.

Today is Friday and I am glad to be home with my little Noah. He still sleeps sometimes on Oslo's bed that is at the foot of my bed to be close to his and Abbygayle's scent. I put the comforter and towel that Abbygale was placed on when I brought her home for Noah to pay his last respects to her prior to cremation on Oslo's bed, and he still sniffs the comforter and towel and snuggles down on them. I know this is comforting for him, so I will not wash these items until I see from him that he no longer needs them. It was about 2 years before he stopped sleeping on Eli's comforter, and strangely enough, it is the same comforter now that holds Oslo's and Abbygayle's scent that he snuggles down on sometimes for comfort when he isn't snuggled next to me. I do love this little fellow very much, and I tell him as often as I can how much I love him and how proud of him I am.

Karen, each of us can only travel our grief journeys as best we can, but it is so important to know you are not alone in the journey, and I am thankful to have you, Margi, Donna, and the support of everyone on this wonderful forum in mine, and I am glad you know that I am here for you, too. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, Karen, and I will look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, thank you, too, for your kind and thoughful comforting words. I know what you mean about your precious Ladywolf supposed to be "immortal" on this side of eternity. If only that were true - - for you, for me, and everyone on this wonderful forum. Being able to share our hearts and our memories with each other does help to keep them close to us and does provide a sort of "immortality" for them.

I do so know what you are going through with Ladywolf - - not wanting to leave her alone - - at least not for long periods of time. I was the same way about Oslo and Eli before him and Abbygayle. I hated having to leave them to go to work - - I felt like I was cheating them of my love and attention when they needed it. I envy folks who are able to have home-based employment. The only half way decent thing about my job is the paycheck.

Margi, I hope you and Ladywolf will have a decent evening and a peaceful weekend together. Please know you and Ladywolf are close in my thoughts and prayers, and I will look forward to knowing how you both are doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

My dear little girl, I can't believe today marks 60 days since you have joined the angels. My precious beautiful baby girl, I know you are happy in the company of the angels, and that makes me very happy, too. But that doesn't stop me from missing you with all my heart. Your video is now completed, my girl, and is now in the hands of everyone who knew you and loved you, almost as much as Noah and I do.

Noah and I are doing the best we can to continue our journey on this side of eternity and cherishing each day we have together, and cherishing your sweet precious Living Spirit that is forever with us in our hearts and memories. But we miss having your precious sweet physical presence here with us. You were an answer to prayer, my beautiful baby girl, and I will always thank God for blessing me with you.

My beautiful baby girl, please give Eli and Oslo a hugh for Noah and me, and and please kknow you are forever gently embraced in Noah's and my heart and memories.

Our love to you always,
Mom and Noah

[ladywolf]

Hi Moon Beam--

60 days, wow! You've done so much in 60 days to immortalize your beautiful Abbygayle--the video, particularly, and the sharing of that with key players in the Abbygayle story...

You're such a devoted fur-kid mom!

We send you and little Noah so much love--

Margi and the Wonder Wolf

[tanbuck]

Hey Moonbeam. Your letter is so sweet to your precious Abbygayle. I know you miss her and all your babies terribly. I know it's been 2 months for you but doesn't it sometimes feel like 2 years and then like 2 days?
My thoughts are with you and I so appreciate all the support you've given me. Give Noah a big hug!
-Donna

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi and Donna, thank you so much for all of your support and encouragement. This weekend has been a little hard emotionally. There isn't anything else now that I can do for my beautiful baby girl except keep her close in my heart and memories. Yesterday is Noah's and Abbygayle's "estimated" birthday, so Noah is now 7 years old. The "6 year old" death curse seems to have eluded him, and I am grateful for that. But I can't help wishing that Abbygayle was also here to share it with him, with us.

Friday evening I visited with their rescuers and took them a copy of the video, which they appreciated very much. We both agree that Abbygayle's horrible infestation with fleas and ticks and fly larvae before she was rescued severely compromised her immune system. They almost didn't let me adopt her because they had a strong feeling that she would not live very long but they knew that she needed to be with her devoted brother, so I was blessed with the both of them.

While I was working on her video time seemed "suspended" but now it seems that absolute "reality" is finally in place, and it's just hard to reconcile the losses of both Oslo and Abbygayle in such a short span of time. Oslo is a little easier to handle because he was 15 years old, and I knew that anything at anytime could take him - - instantly. But I really wasn't "prepared" to have Abbygayle follow so soon. When the tumors came back in less than 8 weeks after the December surgery I knew that her time to leave us was near, and there wasn't anything else the vet could do except to help me keep her comfortable for as long as possible. I am so glad I didn't go the route of chemo and radiation therapy. I'm glad I did for her what I could and had the quality time with her.

I thank you so much for your kind support and encouragement. It means a lot to me. Some days are easier to get through than others. Noah and I are taking it one day at a time, and are treasuring each other's company. And knowing that I have the opportunity to share my heart with others who really do understand is a blessing.

Peace and blessings to you,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

My beautiful baby girl, as you know Noah had his Rabies vaccination today. I took today off so that I could take him in the morning under the hopes that it would be less hectic in the vet's office. The appointment was for 10 a.m. and it was c r a z y in the waiting room until we were escorted to the exam room. But that's okay because he was in the fancy stroller that the both of you shared when I took you both to the vet together, and he didn't feel threatened at all. There was a gentleman there with his beautiful Newfi. She came up to the stroller to say "hi" to Noah. The man was a bit concerned but I told him that Noah had lived with a Black Lab, so that put him at ease. Noah also had a general physical, and he needs his teeth cleaned. It's been a couple of years since he had that done, and of course the last time it was the both of you having it done together. Just another reminder to Noah and me that you are no longer here with us - - that you no longer need a physical exam, no longer need your teeth cleaned, no longer need the reassurance of your brother and me.

I did manage to get through the vet visit and get us checked out okay. It was after we got back on the road home that I broke down crying, which I'm so glad I was able to wait until we were out of the vet's office. I have a crate just for Noah now which fits on the front passenger seat. Another reminder that the bigger crate is now in storage because you and Noah no longer need to share a crate when going to the vet's office. When your brother heard me sniffling he came over to the end of the crate that is closest to me and gave me a soft comforting "meow." He is such a sweet little fella, dear girl, - - truly lives up to the meaning of his name - - comforter.

During the visit Dr. Bolen told me that whenever Noah and I are ready to add to our family that she will be glad to help us, which is the route I would want to go since Noah doesn't get annual vaccinations anymore. On the way home I was thinking about that and my heart broke because I know I'll never have another Noah and Abbygayle again. And I know that's okay, it's just that you both together and individually are so very special - - God's precious special gifts. And I know any other little fur child will also be a special precious gift - - but - - . So I know it's way too soon to even think about having an addition to our family yet. My heart is still so empty without you, my beautiful girl. And I know your brother misses you - - cuddling with you, grooming you, teasing you as only brothers can do.

When it's time for Noah to have his teeth cleaned I will make that appointment on another day that I can take off from work. I'm at the point now where I can use some personal leave time when my Noah, your precoius brother, has a medical appointment.

My beautiful baby girl, thank you so much for being my beautiful baby girl. It still hurts to not have you here with us, but I am so very glad you are happy with the angels, with Oslo, with Eli. I love you my precious girl - - we love you -

Always and forever,
Mommy and Noah

[tanbuck]

Moonbeam, your letter touched my heart. (Please read my post on Buck's thread about "the comforter")
So many things you wrote are exactly my experiences after Frasier died. The large crate, the grooming together, the vet visits. I know exactly how you feel. And now I look at all of Buck's things and think about how he doesn't need them anymore. It's all just too much.
I'm glad you wrote to her. I like to read other people's letters to their babies. It makes me feel not so alone. Give Noah a big kiss for me but not where they gave the rabies shot because I know it's probably tender! I'm so glad you have him.
-Donna

[moon_beam]

Dear Donna, thank you so much for your comforting words. I still have episdoes of deep grief, and yesterday and today have been hard for me. I am so sorry that you are going through the loss of Buck so soon after Niles. I often wish Oslo was here because he brought such a calming, comforting presence to our little household, and I know he would be a great comfort to Noah, and to me. I keep thinking there should be three furkids here - - Eli, who would be 10 years old now, along with Noah and Abbygayle. There are times when I honestly feel so cheated in losing three furkids in a 39 month time frame. Oslo being the eldest I knew that he would be with the angels probably by now, but I never ever expected Noah to be the only fur child at 7 years old. I know I've said this a lot in my posts - - I just seem to be "stuck" in trying to reconcile this "reality."

I did read your post about Buck, and I so do understand how you're feeling, and again, I'm very glad Daphne is becoming a comfort to you and your husband. Donna, thank you so o o much for your comforting words and thoughts. I will give my Noah a hug and kiss from you, my friend, and please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[patricia]

dear moonbeam
i am so very sorry for your loss. you have such a wonderful, big heart. you are a rock for so many of us here. but more importantly you were a wonderful mom to Abbygayle. you gave her the gift of life when noone else would. she is upstairs with our heavenly father now and she is looking down on you with her sweet smile. i believe that our sweet babies are loaned out to us from Him. they are little gifts to us, sent from up above to be our teachers, our companions, our heart beats, our everything. but the loan eventually expires and they are sent back up to be rejoined with Him who loves all creatures great and small. although we are left with the immense pain that seemilngly never goes away, take comfort in knowing that we will be reunited with them one day. and what a day that will be. our tears of sadness will be tears of joy. Abbygayle will be rejoined with noah and her mom. to us it seems like that day will never come, but it will. i always envision everyone running to greet their beloved furbabies. i will be calling out fred and rileys name (jenny and chiquita, tiger and brando too) for sure and will over joyed when im able to hold them in my arms again. you will hold sweet abbygayle too
may the lord comfort you in these most difficult times.
patricia

[moon_beam]

Dear Patricia, thank you so much for your comforting words of encouragement. The hope of the opportunity of being reunited with my fur kids is one of the things that helps to soothe the grief of absence from them. It has only been a few days shy of 3 months since my baby girl joined the angels, so I know there are going to be days of ups and downs and turn arounds. But still there are days when, as you so sadly know too, the sorrow just feels like it's a piercing sword in the heart. I am so thankful for L S and having the opportunity to share with others who are of a kindred spirit. Knowing that we share similar bonds with our beloved companions of many shapes, sizes, and life forms is very comforting beyond what any words can adequately express. Thank you, Patricia, for being here for me and everyone in this Forum. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, too.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[patricia]

thank you so much moonbeam. what i admire most about you is that amidst your grief you are still here for everyone. you still manage to find the words to comfort everyone else. you have such an enormous heart. god bless you and comfort you!
the pain, i certainly do know. its been a year since my last kitty fred passed away. and there are days when i just cant function. it DOES feel like a sword right thru the heart. Even though now i have two wonderful new dogs that make my heart sing, i think of my babies everyday. i do it in the car so that if i cry, my (doggie) girls wont see me. i dont want my sad energy to affect them in any way. even though i am proof that time heals sometimes i wonder if the sadness will ever go away. but if that means forgetting about them then i would rather be sad.
i wish i could say something to make it all go away. for me, for you and for everyone here. but i cant. but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
god bless,
patricia