Feeling Guilty Options

[smokey/lady/max]

Day 13 tommorow will be 2 weeks already. My heart is still so heavy and empty. My house just isnt a home without my precious boy here in it. My max is what keeps my heart beating sounds silly I know but it is the truth. I miss him so much. I want to thank evryone on here for letting me express my feelings freely. The more time that goes by the more friends and family think you should move on. well its just not that easy when we have to make the decission to end our love ones life by our own hands and not by the lords. It is something that just dont go away. I still think back to our lady and smokey it never goes away. I know in time it gets easier to live with but it never goes away. You question yourself you question the vets diagnoses you question your decission at that moment its just one big ?. They say time heals all wounds but it never mends a broken heart. My dogs have been my life. I refered to them as my sons. For the past 7 years I didnt even take a vaction because my husband and I refused to but them in a kennel. people would say that we we where crazy not going on vacation but to us they didnt deserve to left behind its like having cildren at home.
Well just wanted to vent alittle today.
Thanks for listining.

Anna

[smokey/lady/max]

Wow 2 weeks since my dear Max has left me. I will love you forever and ever and ever. Dozer missing you as much as me and daddy. Mommy talks to you everyday and night. Mommy needs no gifts for christmas because your gift of love will last me the rest of my life. Mommy pictures my little devil with his angel wings. I know how beautiful you look. Give mo mo and lady a kiss for me.

Love You Forever My My Baby Boy
Mommy

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Sweet Boy Mommy Just wants to tell you I love and miss you toady as much as yesterday

Your Mommy

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Baby Boy Mommy had another good cry tonight. I sleep with your pillow everynight and I hug it and tell you how much I love and miss your pretty face.

LUV You
Mommy,Daddy & Dozer

[janika]

Hi Anna

I hope you are ok. I see you must be up very early like me. I just couldn't sleep, again so I got up at 3 am .(I'm in UK)
I am thinking of you. Please try not to feel guilty you love your Max so much you will have done everything you can for him, and he knows that. We all do it though. We all feel that we let our darlings down, but sadly some things are beyond our control.
Take care of yourself, thats what Max would want you to do.

Love and hugs
Jan xx

[Brutus]

Hi Anna..thinking of you and Max.

Hugs to you and your fur angel,
Brutus' Mom

[smokey/lady/max]

HI Jan & Sonya
Thank you both for thinking of me and Max. I am up everynight til 2 to 3 in the morning. It has just been so hard to deal with. Never knew these feelings even excisted. I guess it is true when they say dont take anything for granted. I just knew my max would be here for a long time. But as I now know life can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I am trying to cope but I know I have a long way to go. It sounds so crazy but its harder for me to leave home thats when I cry even more. Being at home I just feel I am close to him. I dont know if I am jsut imangining things or just want to hear him but the other night I was in bed I heard a dog walk in the room I thought it was our Dozer I sat up and it wasnt him. Max weight 100 lbs and our dozer is a bullmastiff that goes 145 so you can hear when they walk. I just said I knew you are here with mommy. I told my son last night. I could never tell my husband he would think I have really lost it. But I know it was my boy. Jan I dont feel I did everything I should have let them asperate take more xrays so I failed him. Just what if it wasnt cancer thats all I think about. I have asked for his forgiveness. Sorry having a bad moment will talk later.

Thanks for your Thoughts
Anna

[Brutus]

Jan I dont feel I did everything I should have let them asperate take more xrays so I failed him. Just what if it wasnt cancer thats all I think about. I have asked for his forgiveness. Sorry having a bad moment will talk later.

oh Anna..you've got to stop feeling this way, it is going to tear you up. I know...easier said than done. Here is something I posted on Rhapsedy's thread:

I have moments where I feel I've accepted it, but then others that I've not. I always considered myself a strong person, until the past month...I am not strong at least not when it comes to Brutus, not at all. I still tell Brutus I am sorry sometimes. So I'm not there yet...if I ever will totally be there.

You asked what I've done...I talked to God about it, almost every day when I talk to Brutus. I'm not a very religous person...I don't practice organized religion or go to church but I have found myself turning to God more and more since Brutus left.

I did decide that me feeling guilty constantly is not changing a thing...it is not helping me move on, it's not helping me make sense out of all the pain, it is not helping me deal with daily things...work, husband. It is not going to bring Brutus back. It keeps me from spending time with my other dogs...it's just no good, it makes me withdrawl from the world. This whole experience has changed me permanetly in both good/bad ways. It's been a conscience effort for me to survive every day, believe me and I fail at it alot...but I keep trying...I cry alittle every day and I talk about Brutus all the time..I am always saying out of the blue to my husband.."Remember when Brutus...." . I don't want to be unhappy, I really don't and I don't want to even think that everyone on this forum is unhappy. We are all great fur/feather parents and we should be very proud of the wonderful lives we gave our pets.

I am saying a prayer for you to find peace,
Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Sweet Baby Boy mommy just wants to tell you I am sitting hear watching it snow and looking out the window and your grave is covered with a blanket of snow. I hope you are warm covered in your blanket mommy wraped you in. I love and miss you so much,
Luv Mommy

[smokey/lady/max]

Max

Just want to tell you your brother dozer is missing you. He might have been so jealous when I would give you the attention but he sure wishes you were here. He is laying here on the floor next to me and he isnt even eating his big rawhide daddy gave him. I know he cant wait to see you again. He rushes over to your dog box everytime he goes out to see if you are there. I guess he thinks mommy just put you out there forever since you are not here in the house sleeping in your bed or shareing his. Please come to visit him in his dreams. I try to comfort him but he knows I am sad. Maybe you can help.

Luv You
Dozer & Mommy

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Mommy's Boy

Just wanted to tell you that my dad brought me a beautiful little cross for you. Mommy will put it on your grave. I luv you so much. If you can really see and here me mommy doesn't mean to be so sad but I just miss your precious cute face. I know if it would have been me that left first I know you would be missing me and sad to. I am really trying hard to get through the holidays with out you.

Miss You Bunches
Mommy

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Sweet boy mommy brought your cross home today I will put it on your grave. I know it will be hard for me but mommy wants you to know I miss and love you so much.

Love you forever
Mommy

[janika]

Hope you're ok Anna, I'm thinking of you.
Slowly, slowly, step by step, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. If tears need to flow, let them. They will cleanse and help to wash away the pain, so that you can gradually heal.
Putting the cross on Max's grave will be a lovely thing to do for your precious Angel. We planted little trees for our Angel girls and they are starting to bud. We planted snowdrops, which were just peeping through before the heavy snow came.
Have you managed to sleep any better ? I hope so. I slept quite well again last night, maybe because I dreamt of my Angel babies. It definitely helps me to close my eyes and picture their faces just as I'm ready for sleep. It seems to comfort me so.
Please give Dozer a hug from me.

Love to you and your Max, Dozer, and your family xx

[smokey/lady/max]

Thanks Jan I went to my moms last night my dad came up from Baltimore for xmas and he stays at her house they have been divorced 40 years but they are still good friends. And last night about 2 in the morning my dad and I where sitting in the kitchen talking with a dim light on and a candle burning. The candle was very dim then I started talking to my dad about max and all the sudden the candles flame got so brite. My dad and I said at the same time that must be Max telling me he was there and could here me. Isn't it wierd how things just seem to happen at the perfect moment. I know when I go out to visit my Max and put his cross on his grave I am going to be a mess. I thought about dozer last night it was his first night ever alone. My husband is on midnight shift and I spent the night at my moms house. He just looks so sad now. Tahnks for thinking of me.

Anna

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi my little Max mommy just wants to tell you I am thinking about you as if you dont know that. Your brother has been sying alot tonight mommy wishes I could also ease is pain. I dont know if you came to visit him the other night when he was dreaming but he was making noises and he even let out a bark. I miss you sitting at the top of the step when mommy comes in. I still tell you I know you are sitting there but I just cant see you. Cant wait til I can again. I feel you so much here every where I look. Everything reminds me of you. Places you loved to sleep even your permanant scrathes on the back door when you would scratch to go out and come in. You left mommy alot of memories of you. Run and play with mo mo and your new friends. Mommy will send you a message tommorow.

Lots of kisses from Mommy and Dozer

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi sweet baby boy mommy put your cross on your grave today. Mommy had a good cry while talking to you. I love and miss you so much. Christmas just isnt going to be the same tommorow with out you here eating all your xmas treats. You will be in my heart.

LUV YOU BUNCHES
Mommy

[janika]

Anna
Thanks for your message. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Max would want you to be happy, let's try for our Angels sakes.
Love to you and your angel Max, Dozer and your family.

[AngelCareOne]

[smokey/lady/max]

Dottie you didn't have to say a word that picture said everything. I will cherish that picture forever. You just sent me the best gift EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Speechless
ANNA

[smokey/lady/max]

Hey sweet boy everyone of those package are filled with love. Mommy's friend Dottie rapped them for me. Remember to go to bed early tonight.

Sweet Dreams
Mommy