My Best Friend Options

[Ginger4ever]

Two months and four days. Finally just when it seems the pain's dying away little by little, something comes up. Ginger's song, for example, as I called it before. I've been playing piano for almost six years and the first real song I learned to play on the paino was When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne. I'd heard it so many times, and it made me smile knowing I could play it. I played it everywhere I could - school shows, music recitals and at least once everyday. My piano was something that made me happy. But since Ginger's died the only time I've played the piano is when my paretns forced me to practice, and even then I was doing it with tears even if I wasn't playing her song, the piano in general reminded me of her. The song's words related so much to how I felt for Ginger, but in the end things seemed to look up in the song. But I think to how it won't get better. I won't have her come back, not until I die. Whenever I hear that song I burst out crying, or am fighting with every force in my body not to. It's hard when I'm in a public place and it comes on and I can't tune it out, then I end up looking like an idiot for crying, which I don't care about anymore. The worst thing when I cry is having people say 'it's okay, I know how you feel' because no matter what, it won't be okay and no one knows how I feel. I know everyone here has been through similar stories, but not the same. I pray every night for Ginger, and talk to her whenever I can. But I always just want to scream out, cry, and fight against anyone's who's holding me down. But I can't because I'm supposed to be mature. Two months and four days have gone by, and I still cry every single day. But as I said before, just when I feel better, something happens. Ginger's song plays on the radio, I find a half chewn treat on my floor, I see the torn up carpet from where Ging ran away to for eight days behind my sister's bed, and I freak out again. My friends and family have tried to cheer me up with everything they can think of, literally. But I'm not cheering up because everything reminds me of her. I don't even want my parents to know I'm on this website because I don't want them to worry about me, though they have all rights to.

For Ginger, today I got up from my bedroom floor and went to my paino and pulled out my Avril Lavigne book for the first time all summer and played When You're Gone. I'm uploading the video, and I'm going to post it on here for Ginger, so i'll just edit this post and put it here. That song's for Ginger, my Little Houdini. Love you, my sweet angel.

[Ginger4ever]

Okay, so I finally got it. This my old Youtube, and it's just a 'phase' I went through of liking one actor [okay, still do] but don't laugh at the name. I know I screw up a little, the reason's in the video. So this is for my Ginger. It's her song. And I'm the one playing it, so yeah. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpfF9T23MYo...re=channel_page

[petmum]

that was truly lovely......very special.....
elaine

[Ginger4ever]

Almost a week ago was my birthday. October 6th. I’m officially 12 now. I woke up on my birthday, and besides ‘It’s my birthday!’ the first thoughts through my head were ‘I’m going to talk to Ginger at the end of the day, and tell her all about how much I miss her, and how I wished she could have been here and everything I did’ So I did all my usual birthday stuff. Opened gifts, went to school, brought friend home from school, did homework, ate dinner, drove friend home, did more homework had shower. I was so caught up in myself that I only remembered at around 10:00 PM in the shower I remembered my promise to myself. And this will sound a little over dramatic but it’s true. I don’t really remember what happened, I just know I was suddenly on the ground, crying. I did this a lot. I’d promise to talk to her, and then wait until night time, then go out and talk to her. But for some reason, I didn’t. Not that night. I cried, and sobbed worthlessly about how I loved her and how sorry I was. But it wasn’t the same as standing at her grave, talking to her. And I went to bed that night still crying. I don’t know why I didn’t go out, on that night, of course, I just know that I feel so guilty, and it’s killing me. Five days have passed, and every night I go out to her I tell her how sorry I was, or how sorry I am.

I also starting reading ‘The Vampire Diaries’ because we needed a novel in school. And once I got to the second book, I cried at a sad part. Sobbed, even. But then I thought about how I’ve wasted so much time, when I could be with Ginger, or crying over her. Then I cry more about how I don’t know if she’d want me to hold onto her while I could, while I was still a kid, or if she’d want me to move on. I did that a lot on my birthday. I just kept sobbing, “I don’t’ know what you want me to do, angel. I don’t know”. And I still don’t know. And that’s bothering me.

I still haven’t told ANYONE I’ve been on pet loss websites. I don’t know what they’ll think of me. I know that one night when my best friend slept over, I insisted she came outside – in the dark – with me so I could say goodnight to Ginger, and she doesn’t agree with me. She thinks I should move on. But she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t have pets, and the only one she had got given away when she was too young to remember. She told me exactly “”You do this every night? Don’t you think you should move on? Rachel, you’ve got a life in front of you, so you need to let go of Ginger.” It still burns me to hear her name aloud.

I’ve gotten back to my piano again. I think Gingy would’ve wanted that. I even played When Your Gone with no tears in my eyes, but a memory in my mind.

I’m sorry I’ve been rambling, but I can’t really tell anyone else, because no one else relates. I don’t have a diary, but I’m thinking of getting one.

Oh, and one more thing. I swear the other night, just as I was talking to Ginger, she was with me. I was sitting beside her grave, talking. And right as I said I love you, a warm breeze flew by, and it was just like a feeling. I knew she was there. And I didn’t cry at first at her touch, as I am now, but I just know she’s there. Waiting, not rushing, but waiting for me somewhere.

[tanbuck]

You can ramble all you want! That's what this place is for, I think. I hope so because I ramble alot. I'm sorry about Ginger. I know that your need is to go out there where she is buried to talk to her but maybe, just maybe, on your birthday, you didn't need to go out there because she was inside with you. Maybe she "knew" it was your special day and she came in with you. I don't know. I think it's good that you have a place that you feel close to her. When I visit my cat, Frasier's grave, I always expect that I will talk to him out there but I just don't feel anything. I do go to the room where he died and I talk to him there. So, maybe it's the same thing.
And about your friend, you're right, she doesn't understand because she hasn't known this kind of love. I think as long as your grief for Ginger isn't keeping you from living your life, then you're ok to still talk to her. It takes time and everyone heals at different speeds. You're going to school, celebrating your birthday, and playing the piano again, so I'd say you're doing ok. And I don't even know you!
Take your time. This is your grief and no one else's. And I think it's a good idea to have a diary.

[lynette]

Hi. Glad to hear from you again.

Happy belated birthday.

I think you're doing well. It takes time, but sounds like you're moving forward. That is all we can do.

You shouldn't feel guilty about not talking to Ginger at her grave. When Lily died I found a poem, that said "don't stand at my grave and cry for me, because I'm not there." Not the exact words, I don't have it here with me right now, but it's along those lines. I go to her grave every once in a while and say hi to her, but I talk to her every night when I'm in bed. Maybe I'm crazy, but I talk to all my beloved pets before I fall asleep. I've been doing this for 29 years. Can you believe that? They are in the wind, they are the stars, they are the air that surrounds us. I have this poem at work, so I'll dig it out for you to read tomorrow when I get there.

I think a diary is a great idea too.

Time is such a great healer. It's been 16 months since Lily died and six since we lost Hunny. I still cry for them, but not as much as I did. I still have that huge hole in my heart that they left and I think that will never disappear. But I can look at their pictures some times and not cry. They're not on my mind constantly like they were in the beginning.

So, once again, I'm so happy to hear that you're slowly healing. Keep coming back. It's great to hear from you.

Take care.

Lynette.

[Ginger4ever]

I got my diary, and I plan to start it tonight. I hope that'll help.

I've been so busy lately that Ginger has been in the back of my mind more. Not gone, but back. In short, I have: seven prjects due in the next tue weeks, two hours worth of homework each night, vollyball and studen council try outs, dance club, rehersal, play rehersal, piano each over three times a week. I'm so busy, it's crazy. I wish I could freeze time and think about Ginger.

Yet again, if I could freeze time to be with Ginger, I'd spend weeks with her, playing with her and tellling her how much I loved her. If only I could.

I talked to Ginger today. I didn't cry, I just told her what I've been doing on this website. I said I hoped she could hear every thought I had about her. She's going to be in my diary a lot.

I don't really know why I decided to post this so soon, after I got everything out yesterday. I just...wanted to feel like I wasn't alone, I guess. That's all.

[lynette]

I AM NOT THERE
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Here's the poem I wrote about. It helped me somewhat when Lily passed away.

Take care.

[Ginger4ever]

Thanks lynette.

I don'pt know what's been happening lately. I see something and it just sets me off. I'll do one of two thigns. One, I'll burst out in tears. It just comes without warning and scares a lot of people. Two, I'll freeze. I can't hear or really see anything. Everything's just unfocused and only physical contact shakes me from it. And that scares ME. Certain thoughts, 90% of them about Ginger.

I found a picture! It's an old picture I had on a project. I remember the first day Ginger was bleeding, I took it to school to keep me calm. I lost it, but I found it today. It's all bent and wrinkled but it's the only photo I have of her that I can find. And I always have it with me now. I don't want to let it go. I'll try to scan it later.

I was thinking about some songs that reminded me of Ginger and I mostly picked sad songs. Then I thought, Ginger wasn't a sad hampster. She was a spunky and outgoing pet and that's how I want to remember her. I know for a long time I'll think of Ginger and see death but I don't think she'd want that. At least that's not how I think she'd want me to think of her. But just for the heck of it, here are some songs that remind me of how I feel about Ginger, or what I see her as:
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne [sad]
Tears of an Angel [sad]
Already Gone [sad]
When Your Gone [sad]
My Heart Will Go on [ sad]
Bubbly [happy]
Gives you hell [Describes Gingy]

There are so many other songs that remind me of her, but I just can't name that right now. This was basically a stupid post but I just needed to talk again. I love you Ginger baby.

[Ginger4ever]

Okay I got the picture. Once again, it's a scan of a bent up old photo, so it's not best quality. But it's all I have.



That's my Little Houdini. And I love her to death.

[tanbuck]

Your posts aren't stupid at all. This site is made just for these situations and you have to have somewhere you can go and feel like you can say anything you want about your pet and not feel stupid. You know, in the beginning right after you lose your pet you need somewhere to go where other people know exactly what you feel. Then, later on, when it's not really "accepted" for you to continue to talk about your pet in the "real" world, you still need a place to go where you say how bad you feel. Just because time goes by doesn't mean we love our babies any less. I'm glad you found the picture. Ginger was really a cutie! I hate to say "was" because I know it's probably still painful for you to hear.
I think the bursting into tears every now and then is normal. It's been 7 1/2 weeks for me and the other day it hit me out of nowhere and I cried just as hard as I did the very first day. Then I got up off the floor and continued was I was doing. It was weird but I hope it's normal. My husband keeps telling me that of course I'm gonna do that because you can't just forget about 14 years that fast. You don't just adjust to your "new" life that easily. And about your freezing up sometimes, I think that's just your body's way of shutting down for a minute while you unwind a bit. It sounds like from earlier in your post that you've been really busy so you probably need a break.
Take care.

P.S. Ginger was the same color combo as my Frasier!
-Donna

[AngelCareOne]

"I'm Still Here"

Friend, please don’t mourn for me.
I’m still here though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day.
And within your Heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I’m always near.
I’m everything you feel, see or hear.
My Spirit is Free, but I’ll never depart,
As long as you keep me alive in your Heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight.
I’m the brightest Star on a summer’s night.
I’ll never be beyond your reach.
I’m the warm moist sand when you’re at the beach.

I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the beautiful flowers of which you’re so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the Spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I’m the first ray of light when the Sun starts to shine,
And you’ll see that the face in the moon shine is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you,
You can talk to through the One up above you.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep,
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face.
Just look for me Friend, I’m Every Place!

[lynette]

Hi there.

What you're feeling is normal. It's been over a year since I lost Lily and I still have those moments. Usually something triggers the memory but sometimes it seems it just comes out of nowhere. I cry for a few minutes, and then it passes.

We just lost one of our mamma cats a couple weeks ago. She came to us the same year as Hunny and Lily. She was killed by neighbour dogs. I was so angry - we'd had her for so long. Seems like the number eight is unlucky in our family. Lily and Hunny were both also eight when they died.

Anyway, enough about me. Sorry.

I'm glad you're keeping busy with school, but perhaps you do need to slow down for a few minutes here and there. It will get easier. Honestly, it will. I know that for a fact. I've lost enough pets throughout my life to know.

Anyway, I'm glad you still come back here now and then. I come here everyday usually to check what's going on. I don't write much though. It's getting easier. Yesterday I wrote on someone's blog and I didn't even cry!!! Of coure, I was really sad, but I think that's the first time that the tears haven't streamed down my face. My voice still cracks when I talk about Hunny and Lily and I can't talk about them for more than a minute or so, but I know in time it'll get better. It will for you too.

Take care.

Hugs.

Lynette.

[Ginger4ever]

Thanks to everyone. Those posts were very very kind.

I watched a sad movie today. It was my second time seeing, but it was almost as sad as the first time. It’s My Sister’s Keeper. That movie/book is sad to begin with, but it was the movie I saw on my friend’s birthday party. Normally that wouldn’t have affected me. But her birthday party was only 3 days after Ginger died. And it’s all about dying and saying goodbye to loved ones. And I cried though the movie the first time, just like I’m crying now.

I was telling myself for a long time “I’m finally letting go, bit by bit.” But now I’m totally lost again. I miss her so much I can’t even explain it in words. And I can’t stop crying. I just went out and told Ginger ‘I tell you how much I miss you, but even after I’ve moved on, there will always be a part of my heart where you are on. It just doesn’t feel like it’s there right now, but it will never leave me.’

It just doesn’t seem fair. I don’t know what to do. People tell me “Oh I’m so sorry,” and “It’ll be okay” and “You’ll see her again” But they don’t know. Everyone’s bond is unique. They don’t know how much I loved her. They don’t know how every day has felt so much longer since she left. Everything doesn’t make sense to me.

[magdalene]

Honey,you are doing all the right things. There's just no easy way through this. I wish there was. I wish I could tell you how to make it better. But there's just not. You just have to go through it and it takes as long as it takes and it hurts a whole lot. And you're right, it's not fair. I am sorry you're in so much pain. We do understand here how much pain you're in. I wish I could tell you some way to make it all better, but there just isn't any way. I'm so sorry.

Magdalene

[Ginger4ever]

Its been about four and a half months. It seems impossible. One of the worst things, but not quite to worst, is knowing that she didn't die naturally. Granted, she was dying, but in the end it was my choice. And I'll spend the rest of my life, even if it's not that clear, wondering if I made the right choice.

I've been meaning to get back on here more. I hear a sad song [Arms of an Angel, Sarah McLaughlin] and I think I should come back. I see a picture of her, I think I should come back. I hear some kid in my class mention the word Ginger, and I think I should back. Even when this other kid in my class [who had heard something from my friend, I guess] asked me if I cryed when Ginger died, I thought about coming back. But didn't. And I don't know why. Finally, when I was listening to that sad song again, I saw a comment that said people can cry when listening to that song, but don't leave comments about your dead hampsters or whatever. And then I just logged on.

I read over my diary entries ever week or so. And when I mention Ginger, one day it'll say "I miss her so much." The next day "I think I'm finally letting go" and the next day "I can't believe she's gone." I. Just. Don't. Know.

And that's all I really want. To know. To know why this happened, to know where she went, to know if she can hear me, to know why.

I was reading even older diary entries, I mean from like early grade 6. It said litterally: And while we're on the topic of pets, I've been avoiding my hampster because, well, she's getting old and I don't wanna see her die...too hard. What was wrong with me?! I should've taken that chance to be with her. And I'll never get that second chance.

And I just don't know. I miss her so much. I'm crying right now. I've actually felt so depressed I've tried to kill myself before. But I just can't. I hold whatever I'm holding to my chest or neck an inch close to me, and just stop and cry. But I don't want to tell anyone. I can't. My parent's STILL don't know I'm on this website. No one does. And they don't need to worry about me. And anyways, killing myself won't exactly do good right now. I really don't think Ginger would want me to.

[janika]

Dear Rachel, you are so right your Ginger will be so sad to know that you are feeling as if life is not worthwhile. Ginger was obviously loved very much and she surely enriched your life. Our beloved pets sadly have lifes that are all too short, but how fortunate we are that they choose us to share their lives with.
I was 12 when I lost my first pet dog, Vikki. She was a beautiful black, white and tan corgi. She was only 6 years old. She swallowed a plastic bottle top and died during an emergency operation to remove it. I was at school at the time and I rushed home at lunch time eager to find out how she was. I screamed when my mum told me . I had 2 weeks off school as I just couldn't cope. I still think of her and that was 46 years ago. If I see any plastic on the ground I put it in my pocket and then carefully bin it to this day.
Vikki will always be a part of me, as your Ginger will always be a part (and a very good part) of you. She has given you and shown you how to love and care and that is one of the greatest things we can learn in life.
Don't be worried about people who care for you knowing how badly you feel. They would certainly not want you to go through this suffering alone. Your mom cried with you and I'm sure she was hurting too. Crying is the natural thing to do, let it out. I have been crying all day about my latest loss, my Noushka who left me 12 weeks ago. She is my 3rd dog since Vikki. I never thought I would be able to love another pet, but then I thought, what am I thinking about. I have all this love to share and there are all those wonderful animals out there, some desperately needing someone to take care of them and love them.
I can't believe how mature you are, and how well you are able to write and share your feelings. You are a very special young lady. Ginger will be proud of you, but she will not want you to be sad about her , she will want you to think happy thoughts about her.
Please write on here again soon . I am sending my love to you and will be thinking about you.
Love and hugs
Jan xx

[Ginger4ever]

I learned two things today.
One, when you cry in the shower, the mascara not only sticks to your knees when you curl up, but it also drps down like black tears of their own
Two, distractions are like an advil. It numbs the pain, but the wound never leaves.

I'm a horrible person. A horrible one. I thought if there could be two places I never have to lie, it would be my diary and here. I was wrong. I lied in both places. On here, in Ginger's story I said I didn't look at her after she was put down. I did. Her eye stared blankly at me with this horrifyed expression. And that image has been haunting me. Diary stuff is just, blegh.

I missed it. Ginger has been dead for six months, as of December 2nd. And I didn't notice until the next day. How could I do that? I didn't even talk to her. Half a year. I can't believe it. It literally feels [everyday] like Ginger died yesterday. The pain hasn't faided that much. I still scream and cry in my bedroom that I want her back.

Let me be honest. At the moment, my life is hell right now. My family's having trouble, I've been in this dance show at school that make me want to kill myself, school it's self, my friends hate me, [I can't believe I'm saying this but] boys, and I miss Ginger so much.

I dont know what to do. All I know is I feel numb all the time. I used to never geet shivers. But now I constantly have goosebumps. I'm what my friends call 'mood rings'. My eyes change color, depending on my mood. To be basic, the lighter the color, the happier i am. the darker, the more depressed. My eyes used to be green [aka normal], and sometime blue [aka excited]. Now they're always black or grey. I find it hard to fake smiles anymore. I need help.

[Ginger4ever]

I know no one replyed to this, and I don't really blame them but..

I've gone through another loss. Holly Smart, my and my sister's grade six teacher, died. She was an amazing woman, the best teacher I ever had. She taught me so much more than it was her job to. I honestly loved her. And she had breast cancer that limited people knew about. And a day or so before she was going to tell everyone that she had cancer that she was going to die of eventually, her heart stopped.

So I'm not doing so well again..today it's been two weeks since she died. I'm guessing around 8 or 9 months since Ginger died. My parents are trying to find a crisis worker, but I really dont think I'll talk much..

[Brutus]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Ginger and of your teacher..she sounds like she was a wonderful person who obviously made such an impact on her students. It is wonderful that you got to experience such a great teacher...she is being rewarded in heaven I'm sure. I think it's great if you could talk to a counselor about your losses...these are burdens you shouldn't be carrying at your age...to talk to someone will be of great help so I hope you decide to talk to one. Some other things you could do to help deal with your emotions...volunteer at your local humane society shelter in Ginger's name, organize a fund raiser for your teachers family. It may help you deal with your grief. Life is a wonderful adventure that unfortunately tests everyone frequently...it' not fair at all. I am very sorry for all your pain. I wish I could help. Hang in there and I will be praying for you and your teachers family.

Hugs,
Sonya