My Sammie Girl Is Gone, death and dying Options

[patricia]

ive told my story many times so forgive me if you have already read this somewhere else. when fred my sweet little kitty died about 3 months ago, i was as shattered as you are now. all the emotions you are going thru i went thru as well. i wasnt suicidal but i thought if something happened to me i wouldnt fight it. i just wanted to be reunited with my babies again. i too didnt know how to get out of this hole and i didnt know if i wanted to or not. a week later my friend, not knowing that fred had died, approached me about a little puppy that had had a rough start in life and needed a forever home. in a minute i had such thoughts as "how dare you?" "how could you ask me such a thing? i cant replace fred so quickly. he would never know how much i loved him if i did that" but i listened to her anyways. in the past, when ive lost my pet, i have waited quite a long time before i can even consider getting another one. and i remember after fred died, i thought "thats it! no more! this is just too painful!" but i realize now that whats even more painful are the wonderful animals that we lose every day because they couldnt find a good home. but i digress. she showed me a pix of (now) lucy but only a headshot and she begged me to consider it because this could be her last chance. she could be returned to the shelter. somewhere in the back of my mind i began to think that possibly fred had something to do with this. he never liked it when his momma was upset or sad. the next day i called up my friend and accepted the challenge. but the wall was already up. i would not love this new dog. i would just give it a new home. thats it! the day after they brought lucy over. ive never seen a dog like her before. she is blond with frosted tips. yes frosted tips. her legs are about 10 inches tall and she was so skinny i could see her ribs. she had a mane of hair around her little face that made her look like a chrysanthemum and she was a wiggley one. quite frankly i thought i made a mistake. the foster family left me alone with her and i just sat in my apt and cried and cried. i called my friends to come get her. i didnt want her! i wanted my fred back. the entire day, i wouldnt touch her, talk to her and she retreated to a corner of the room and i in another. my tears dried up when i left her alone and went out. the further away i was from her the better. i was missing my fred so much it hurt! i returned about an hour later and things hadnt changed. i threw her a bone so she wouldnt bother me and continued to cry and wonder why on earth i had taken this dog. my friends kept calling to see if iwas ok and (this was the moment for me. it was about 8pm - lucy had arrived at 11am) and i told them no and to please come and get her and take her away. this truly was the grief talking because i dont believe in taking in an animal and giving it back. once i commit, i commit. but i didnt care. and as im telling my friends that i dont like this dog, lucy looked at me from her little corner and with her eyes, bgged me not to give her away again. my heart melted at that very moment and the wall came down. it was that moment when i realized that lucy would never replace fred. fred had a huge chunk of my heart already and that wouldnt change. but there was enough to go around. lucy is my best little friend now. i would rather spend time with her than with anyone else.

i never woudl have thought i would ever say this but lucy saved my life. she gave me back my life and like ive mentioned to others, i miss my fred every day. theres not one day that i dont think about him or miss him terribly. i cry all the time because i want to see his beautiful little face greet me at night, after all its only been three months now. but lucy helped to heal my broken heart. because of her, i laugh more and i smile. i tell her how much i love her every day because we all know how quickly they can be taken from us. i feel like the luckiest person on earth that my sweet lucy found me. (thank you my dear fred).

i agree with lynette, everyone is different when it comes to getting another baby. i was always of the kind to wait months and months and months. in the case of my two kitties, i waited years before getting them because i was so heartbroken over the loss of my dogs. my advice? have an open mind. 3 months ago, i never thought that my life would be where it is today. if it wasnt for my lucy, i would be in the midst of serious depression. please dont misunderstand. im not saying to go out today and get another one. but maybe just start (baby steps) by considering one. you will know when you are ready. one day at time. you will feel it in your heart. sammie cant ever be replaced.

take care! im praying for you!
patricia

[lynette]

Yes, unfortunately, they leave us much too soon, and take a huge chunk of our hearts with them. But I believe they understand that we have room in our hearts for others. I hate the endings, but the years in between I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. My dogs become my best friends. Hunny had the opportunity to get to know three of our dogs and my husband believes she sent the fourth. Hunny loved all of them. And Lily would have too if she'd had the chance. Dogs are pack animals, they understand that human hearts are big enough to love more. I wish they could all stay forever. I really do, cos I miss Hunny and Lily so much.

And I too, think that there are just too many precious animals out there who are looking for a new home, for someone to love them. Three of my dogs were given up. What does that say? Yes, I lost my two angels, but I have the chance to provide love and a good home to three more who so desperately need it. Izzy, a 4-year-old beagle was surrended by a puppy mill. It's almost a year since we got her and it's taken a long time to gain her trust as much as we have. She's come a long way. She had no idea what love or affection was, how to give or receive, but she loves it now. And sometimes, I think Lily gave up her place here so that Izzy could have a chance, because Lily died June 24 and Izzy was surrended that very same day. (Lily was also a rescue back in 2001). Casey, a 6 month old beagle/cavalier, was given up because of allergies. She is the sweetest little thing ever. Just so loving and so friendly. And George, the one that Hunny sent to protect Barney, Izzy and Casey. He was dumped in the town where I work. We looked for a month and no one phoned for him. How can people be so cruel? How can you not love these animals? My heart aches so much for the ones I've lost, but these little bundles of joy always bring a smile to my face. I love each and every one of them.

Just take your time. Don't rush into anything.

[Jay T]

hi Melanie
hope its going a bit better,i know what you mean about the first week ,its so very hard,so much pain about it all,the first few days after my jeannie passed away i still couldn't believe it ,she would always wait for me to get up, and walk with me to the kitchen so i could get my coffe.one of the many routines we had.That first week when i woke up and just see the empty spot where she used to sit was just awful, i still cant seem to get over that, im still so sad over it,i also know what you mean about some people thinking you should get over it soon .they just don't understand the love and the bond that a person has with there pets,i got the same reaction from some people i know as well and they mean well like you said and are good people.But some dont understand at all like a person at my job just told me get another cat that looks like jeannie and that could be like the new her and ,dont keep thinking about it so much.Are you for real i was like..they just dont know and understand how you feel,thank goodness for a place like this where people DO undersatnd,Im not sure if you read my other post about how it all seems so different now when they leave us and that numb feeling you have after ,and just going trough the days almost like unconscious that's how i feel now ,About getting a new pet i was thinking also ,but it depends how you feel and if at this time you are ready for that,i don't feel i could do that now i will probably wait a bit longer.sort of at a stand still on it.i would say if you feel you are ready for a new pet then try it and see how it goes,if not then take your time on it ,Take care and be well THANKS JAY

[Sammie girl'...]

Patricia, You have such an amazing heart. Your babies are truly blessed. I love the name Lucy by the way. It just sounds like a happy soul and one with joy and energy. I might consider that for a name down the road I like it so much. I have actually been thinking today that my life doesn't seem right without a dog to love. I cannot believe or put into words how much joy Sammie brought me every second. I am not the geru of patience either but I never once lost patience with her or was mad at her for anything. I never had to discipline her much. All I had to do was change the tone of my voice and she knew she was doing something she shouldn't. If only my kids were like that :lol: Thank you for sharing your story with me. You hit he nail on the head. I really haven't thought about suicide but with having cancer twice in the past I sure wasn't going to fight it if it came back this time. I wanted to be with Sammie. I'm working really hard on thinking about how sad she would be if she could see me now and feel my pain and see me cry. It would have broke her sweet little heart. She was so in tune with me. She loved loved loved the kids and my husband but she was in sync with me. She was determined every day to make me happy and she did just that. My husband and I talked about getting another dog when she was alive and we didn't because we had 3 cats. (I've since had to euthanize one). There is a part of me that feels like I should have done it while Sammie was alive so she would have had a friend to play with. We honestly didn't get another one because she was so special and she got 1000% of my attention and the kids that we didn't want to take anything away from her. Things just worked so perfectly. She went everywhere with us. My daughter's soccer team is sad b/c Sammie was our unofficial mascot. I would take her to the tournaments and put one of my daughter's extra jerseys on her and march her around when we would score a goal. It was so funny and Sammie loved all the attention from the girls and their parents too. I know all animals are different and special in their own ways but I do worry that the next dog won't be as wonderful and amazing as her. Although, I think to some degree you feel that way about your first child. And then the next one comes along and they are different and you love them too. You just might like one more than the other sometimes. :) I'm reading a book that I think Jess mentioned she read and it gave her some peace. It's called "All Pets Go to Heaven". I just started it today at lunch so I'll let you know if it gives me some comfort. You and the others on here have truly made the first week bearable. I can't thank you enough for your messages and your willingness to share. You are a blessing to me and many others. Thank you. You are in my thoughts and squeeze Lucy for me. Melanie

[Sammie girl'...]

Jay,

Yes, I think numb pretty much describes me today too. I still cry but not as often. I still feel pain in my heart, literally and I still hate going through my routine with out my Sammie girl. We are just going through the motions because we have to. I'm trying to keep busy but I'm not getting too much accomplished. I seem to be able to do only things that I don't have to concentrate on for long periods of time. I hate that feeling the second I wake up in the morning and realize she's not on the bed with me or staring nose to nose at me. I have to drag myself to the shower and that's usually where the tears hit the hardest. My other devastation comes into play the second I pull my car into the garage. Sammie knew my car and she was ALWAYS at the door waiting to roll over and have me rub her furry little belly while her legs flailed about and she would talk to me. The quiet sucks. Finally when I was done keeping myself busy last night and sat down it hit me hard. She's not here to cuddle with as we wind down the day. I know she's not there so why does it feel like some panic attack realizing she isn't. I'm working on printing out all the pictures I've taken of her over the past 3 1/2 years. Some would say not to do that yet but it makes me feel closer to her somehow. I'm going to put them in a photography book my friend (who is a professional photographer) is helping me make. Jay, one thing I'm also doing which I know will sound silly but whatever helps. I'm writing a letter to her in my journal everyday. I just tell her what's on my heart and what my feelings are and what I did that day. I cry everytime I write in it but it's something I need to do. You are in my thoughts and prayers that each minute brings you a little more comfort and less loneliness.
Melanie

[Jess]

Hey Melanie. I just posted a response to you on the other forum about the book. I hope you are finding it helpful.

~Jess

[patricia]

dear melanie. thank you so much for the lovely compliment. but i have to say everyone here has an amazing heart, including yourself (yes its true! you are very special and sammie knows that). i am truly blessed and grateful to be a part of such a special community; one who love our furbabies so deeply and one who respects all life. we are all her to get you thru this most difficult time. the same way everyone rallied around me when i didnt know what was happening to me. i am so glad to hear the steps you are taking. no it doesnt immediately take the grief away but it slowly chips away at it. you are doing wonderful things and we appreciate you sharing them with us. you have no idea how much it helps me as well. i had never thought about writing letters. that just touches my heart and i want to do the same thing for my little fred.

indeed, sammie was very special. loved by all especially her mommy. you know you are right when you say sammie would not want to see you so sad. it breaks her heart. and more importantly she would want you to fight with all your might if your health was not what it should be. something i havent mentioned is that although i do not fight cancer, i have an illness that i have to live with everyday. at first the docs thought it might be cancer and i was ready for it, well as ready as i could ever be. i am very fortunate that it wasnt cancer, but i still battle my disease everyday. but what got me thru the horrible surgeries, the sadness were my kitties. i was in bed for over two weeks and they never left my side. when they knew momma was crying they would huddle close to me curl up and put their little heads on me. how can we not love our wonderful babies for their unconditional love. these 10 lbs furry creatures were of extreme support to me. i know how much sammie meant to you. i wish i was there to give you a big big hug. sammie wants you to be ok. she knows that you will never ever be over her and thats ok but she wants to see your beautiful smile again. i choose to believe that there is a place where they all go and where pain no longer exists and where they smile all day. i believe they become our angels and they look after us. and if ts true or not, thats what i choose to believe. somewhere, underneath a giant tree with lots of shade sammie is laying down, taking a little breather. not too far away, fred and riley are resting too. they love the warmth of the sun. fred saunters back and forth between sammie and riley. fred didnt know how cool dogs were and now he does.
one day melanie, you will be ready for another and theres no need to worry or be afraid that you will love him less or anything of the sort, becuase you have a beautiful heart and like you said, it will be different but you will realize how much love you have to offer another sweet furbaby that needs you. im so glad there are people like you.
please do let me know what you thought of the book. and thank you for thinking of me! i will most certainly give lucy a giant bear hug from you. in fact i will give her two

i continue to pray for you, for your health and for more strength to get you thru these sad times.
patricia

ps: the name lucy fits my dog so well because she is always getting into trouble. just last nite, she ran away. dont worry, she came back but only after ii chased her down two blocks and was completely out of breathe. she ran back to me at full speed and her little 13 lb body knocked me over. she was laughing all the way back. i was so happy to have her back i couldnt scold her. she truly is a gift from heaven. i hope that one day, when you are ready, you too will have a lucy

[Sammie girl'...]

Last night was a really emotional night. I had a decent day at work yesterday, no tears. I just feel fatigued and numb most of the time. I always cry driving up my lane because I know Sammie will not be there to greet me and as you all know that is so painful. I stopped to get the mail and there was a card from the vet hospital that she died at. They had cut some of her fur off which showed both the black and white in her fur, tied a little bow around it and attached it to a card about the rainbow bridge. They also put red paint on one of her paws and put a paw print on the card. Both vets signed it and wrote a little note but there was also a letter written by the vet tech. She said she had been doing this for many years and never felt so compelled to write a pet owner. She wanted me to know that Sammie was NEVER alone. My friend, who was watching her while I was gone, came to visit, my own vet and vet assistant came and this lady all stayed with her. This lady's name is Barb and she told me that everyone there was just drawn to Sammie and the special auro and look in her sweet eyes. Both vets and the techs stayed all night the night she was so ill b/c they didn't want to leave her. They took turns laying in her cage and petting her head and ears. God this is so hard. I wish it had been me who was there but to know that strangers could love her enough to do that in her last hours gives me comfort. She had that affect on every single person she came in contact with. The UPS drive got teary-eyed yesterday when he learned she was gone. My clients who often petted her in my office are crying. She was so special and such an amazing spirit of love and gentleness.


I read the book, "All Pets Go to Heaven" and I wanted to make a few comments. I didn't like the first 50 pages of the book at all. It is a complete historical account of how animals were viewed, used, worshipped etc. in history. That's not why I was reading the book. It was a little interesting but not what I was looking for. Having said that the rest of the book was good. I agree with a lot of what the author (a world renown psychic) says and some things I just don't know. But the one thing that I loved is that our beloved pets can visit this plane (Earth) after they've crossed over. We might see a vision of them, get a whiff of their scent, feel a change of air, see other pets act differently and many other things. The author says our pets can come back to check on us and let us know they are happy and will be waiting for us to greet us when it is our time. She says that pets ALWAYS go to Heaven b/c God made them so pure and filled with unconditional love that they don't need to be on this Earth as long as we do to learn lessons and learn to be more loving. He welcomes them home and other loved ones who went before them, pets or humans, will be there to greet our pets. Even if our former pets or humans didn't know them on Earth they will know them in Heaven. I love that idea so much. I love thinking of Sammie loving all over my mom and my mom taking care of her until I get there someday. She talks about animals having psychic abilities (a 6th sense). Animals can sense danger, sniff out diseases, warn their masters of trouble and protect us in times of distress. The stories she tells about things like this are amazing and wonderful. What I am taking from this book is this....Sammie can see me and check on me and it would break her heart to see me sobbing and having trouble coping like I am. Just like when our children suffer we suffer watching them. Our pets don't want to see us sad or hurt. They understand that our tears are a way of healing our pain and it's o.k. but they want us to be happy just like they did when they were here. So to honor Sammie I am going to focus on that as best I can. I'm going to stop feeling guilty if I have a good few moments or hours. She wants me to be happy and I love her and I will try to do this for her. I don't think I can do it for myself but for her I will do anything.

I took several pictures of her, a copy of the rainbow bridge poem, the piece of her fur and pawprint and her "birth certificate" my friend had made for her to a framer today and they are going to make me a shadow box that I will display right above my desk at work. I'm still going to write her letters and visit her tombstone. I put roses on it at lunch today and I will still cry a whole lot but I am going to try to work on her seeing me smile again. Read the book... I think it might give you all a sense of peace and knowing your loved ones are happy.

[petmum]

oh melanie what a wonderful thing your vet did for you. i can feel the love from them all the way across the world. i truly hope this helps dull the pain. it will only be by the slightest cosmic shift but just knowing others care about what happened to you whilst you weren't there is a testament to the sacredness of our fur companions. they really a gift from above are they not?
thankyou for sharing.
elaine

[patricia]

i echo elaines sentiment. how wonderful to know that sammie affected so many people. it must bring you so much peace. when my fred died i too remember all the techs and doctors rallying around him. even people that i didnt even work there would come and give him hugs and pet him and give him kisses. i will forever be grateful to them for all the love they showed him before he passed away.
melanie, im so glad you have answers to your questions. and i thank you for sharing them with us. ive always been afraid of reading those kind of books lest they tell me that all i believe is not true. sammie is with you always and forever and im so glad hes with your mom. theyre taking care of each other now. love that!

well i am a big sobbing mess right now but please continue to share your wonderful insights with us. you have no idea how happy i am knowing that my little ones truly are in a special place.

thank you!!!!
patricia

[Sammie girl'...]

Sammie has been gone for 19 days. I was doing pretty well for the past 4 days until last night. A huge wave of emotions flooded over me and I sat by her grave for an hour and sobbed. Today, I feel exhausted and don't seem to care about much of anything. I'm at work not caring a thing about what I'm supposed to be doing. I took a drive at lunch to clear my head but it didn't really help. I'm so sad today. I miss her so much. Her pictures are all over my office and I just keep looking at her big brown eyes. My husband and kids are really aggrevating me too. It's been almost 3 weeks why am I still acting like this. They just don't want to think about it. I know they loved her and miss her but they don't dwell on it and it isn't the first or last thought of every day for them. My husband and kids want to get two very adorable puppies and I think we probably will in July but that just makes my heart hurt b/c I don't want to be thinking about new puppies I want mine back. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions. I just want to go home and take a nap and not think about it. Overwhelming grief today. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

[lynette]

It hurts so much doesn't it? It will get better, you won't cry as often, and the waves of emotion won't last as long.

One year ago today I lost my precious Lily. I cried this morning and I still feel like crying, but mostly I just feel overwhelmingly sad. I just want to go home and be alone. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for all of us.

Take care.

[patricia]

dear melanie, im so very sorry you are having a rough day. you have to give yourself a break. 19 days is still very fresh. it feels like a neverending rollercoaster of emotions. one minute youre dried eyed and the next questioning what is wrong with me because you cant stop crying. i think i can speak for everyone here when i say we all have gone thru this. you have to allow yourself to grieve as much and as long as you need to. its always a memory, a ritual something that triggers the sadness. sammie hasnt been gone that long. dont expect yourself to get over it so quickly. it might help your family understand and you heal a little if perhaps maybe one night you can all tell one happy memory of sammie. i bet you would all end up with smiles and maybe you would not feel so alone. i think thats one of the hardest things ever is when the closest people around you (without intending to be hurtful), just do not understand. i know it has made me feel alone, isolated and just know not knowing where to turn.
tomorrow will be better, even just a little, and keep writing, even when you dont feel like it. its very healing. like ive mentioned before, this place is what got me thru the worst days of my life. remember, ive told you that i just didnt care or know how i was ever going to make it? well im still here moving forward and so will you. be especially kind to yourself and please give yourself a big hug from me and remember that sammie is with you forever and ever.

patricia

[petmum]

oh melanie i wish i cld give you a hug, i know i need one {{{{{HUGS}}}}, I am with you in your pain, I am there too today, hard to type thru tears isn't it........

[Sammie girl'...]

Patricia,
Thank you so much!! I like that idea of having all of us talk about funny things about Sammie. Yes, I am going to do that tomorrow at dinnertime. I know each day I do get stronger it's just the uncontrollable surge in emotions. Often times two very different extremes of emotions which makes it hard to understand and deal with. I found some of her toys today. I think that's what started the surge of tears. My housekeeper had put them somewhere other than where we normally keep them and I wasn't expecting that. I know this kind of thing will happen for awhile. I wish it wouldn't but I know it will. I have been doing a good job of journaling. I write Sammie a letter each evening and vent to her and talk to her just like when I would come home from work. It does help a lot. I think trying to write other people on here has also given me a lot of comfort. I'm going to try to write a memorial for her on here next and attach a picture. I really appreciate you and all your comforting posts. No words to tell you how much they help. God Bless.
Melanie

[Sammie girl'...]

Elaine,
Here is a hug back for you!!! Stay strong and maybe we can get through this together. I am saying a prayer that tomorrow is a better, brighter day than today.
Melanie

[petmum]

thank you melanie for the prayer I know they help, i will say one for you too.

[patricia]

and dont for a second think that sammie isnt "reading" everything you are writing well, i think the big man upstairs is reading it aloud to her. im glad youre going to create a little memorial. it will be so healing and i for one would love to see your beautiful sammie. shes happy melanie. shes doing great and so are you.

big hug
patricia

[shannon2183]

Melanie,

Well...that brought back some tears -- Your initial post was tough to read because that was like a description of me when my Penny passed away. For me I had taken her to the vet and left her for the night with the notion that she'd be fine and I got a call in the morning that she was gone. Not only did I feel the pain of her loss, but guilt for leaving her and not being there for her when she most needed me...and so even though your situation is a bit different, I definitely get it. Going out of my mind is the best way to describe how I handled Penny's passing. I'm a pretty emotionally stable person (I'm actually a counselor:) but after Penny passed, I didn't know how I could continue to wake up in the morning. I remember opening my cupboard because I was starving, but couldn't bring myself to actually pull anything out, more or less eat it. I laid in bed the first day and just wailed (I guess I could do that because I was alone in my house), I couldn't breath, it took so much energy just to walk down the hallway...and the list goes on. It was tough going to work...having to actually get in my car and go somewhere. But there was this one evening about 2 days after she passed where I just stood in the shower and I couldn't catch my breath and I just looked up and said "Penny...I need you right now, I need you to come cuddle with me tonight" and suddenly I felt a huge rush of air escape me and I felt at complete peace and actually slept that evening. And as time moved on, I slowly started to see life from a new perspective. I think it was Penny's perspective. Our pets know we loved them with our whole being, that we cared for them, that we would do anything for them. One thing my husband said that was such a comfort (he happened to be away at the time of her passing) was that Penny was a happy, playful, loving, goofy dog who was loved beyond belief...we gave her the best life we could and she was happy. When I'd cry, she'd come and lick my tears...she lived in the moment, and would do anything for a tasty treat and loved chasing birds. She just loved "being". And she taught me that and I don't think I really saw the beauty of life until she showed me through her passing. I wish she could have found a better way to show me:) but I know she was and continues to be with me to guide me through it all. Some people thought I was crazy for putting so much "stock" in a little dog, but I have always felt my pets had a better understanding of life than I ever could, and are my everyday teachers.

Sammie, Penny, and all of our pets that have moved on without us want us to see life as they did, and although it hurts beyond explanation, it will get better. I remember when people used to tell me that on LS I'd think "there is just no way that's true...how will this ever get better"....but it does. One thing I realized is that I had to stop thinking I was crazy...if I wanted to cry, scream, go numb, sleep the day away, not talk for a bit...whatever it was, I just allowed myself to do it (within reason of course:). And I was tired of people telling me it was ok or not to be sad...so I just decided to allow myself to be angry, sad, mad, confused....whatever. There is no abnormal reaction...actually these are normal reactions to an abnormal situation. It's ok to not feel yourself...and it's ok to allow yourself to do that. But in the end, Sammie knows she was your little girl, and she'll always know that. Don't feel crazy to ask her to help you through this...she's most likely helped you through other tough times in your life by being there...I'm sure she wants to be there for you through this too. Keep talking to her. I talked to Penny and journaled to her sometimes several times a day. I still do...she's my little girly girl forever. Nothing will ever change that.

I trust that Sammie and Penny have met and are running through the fields, chasing birds, licking popsicle sticks, and are lying in the sun. My thoughts are with you and Miss Sammie -- LS helped me so much and I hope that we can be a support.
(p.s. I apologize for my long-windedness...sometimes it starts coming out and I can't stop it:)

Peace,
Shannon

[shannon2183]

Melanie...I just wrote...but saw your post about all pets go to heaven. I read "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" which actually ties biblical passages to the belief that our pets go to heaven. Like your book, there were parts I didn't like as much and just skipped them...but it was a comfort. Just wanted you to know I honestly believe that our pets can come to the earthly plane. There are moments that have been difficult where I have heard her, or swear that she ran through the kitchen. Some people say those are just our emotions creating dillusions, but I disagree...and my husband has always said that he believed Penny knew so much more than we do about life and the world beyond. I feel Penny all around me quite often. I don't dream of her often, but there are moments I know she's there. Also, her brother Jax was her bestest bud, but they were completely different personalities (she loved toys, he really could care less; she would lick your face really hard, him really soft and gentle, etc) but there are times I know she's with him. She had this little duck toy she loved to throw around. Jax pretty much doesn't care at all about toys, but we have a huge tub of them cuz Penny loved them. There are are times he'll go flying through the house, jump up on me and drop that duck on me. He'll dig through that tub of toys and find it. There was also a night I was having a particularly hard night and slept with Penny's urn under my arm. Jax was dead asleep in his blankies and suddenly he unwrapped himself, crawled up by my head and laid down with just his head under the blanket with his nose resting on the urn. There are also moments when he'll come kiss me really hard and go crazy, and I just know it's her for moment. There are many other stories like that..but that's why I say don't feel crazy if you really feel Sammie with you. And don't be afraid to ask her for a visit if you really need her presence.

I also did the shadow box (it's in our living room), and also I've been working on a scrapbook....It definitely helps and she deserves any tribute I can give her. At least now I can look at those pictures and giggle and how goofy she's being rather than cry, and that feels so good.

Shannon