Goodbye Rosie Goodbye Family Options

[Zita'sMom]

inevitably, the frills of sharing will come along, how is what none of us knows for now but good stuff like that happens, for sure. I am feeling very positive for you. So first and foremost, be good to yourself Jan, each of us, we're on our own on this planet, but we're readily here for you too, as well as the spirits of our pets, we will all see you through

It's good to hear you say you feel positive for me, I really need to hear that right now.

Yes, it's funny because I thought I had a man who suited my life perfectly. I thought he was kind, supportive etc. When my reality of the situation came to light and my illusion was shattered, I look back and realize, it was I who was creating most of the order, care and balance in my own life. I had continued an active life with many friends and hobbies and it was the "belief" that I was supported (which I was not) that carried me through. So what that must mean is that this "belief" is created in our own conscience, and it was me supporting myself, not x-h, since he didn't have the capability to do that. Maybe if we can release fear and believe we are loved, then we never feel lonely. I don't see that anything in my life could be entirely solved by a partner - that would just be a nice way of companionship and sharing. My own state of mind is what creates my well being. So it is important that I look after me, and that I realize that x-h is a man who is living in a dark place of ego. I can wish him growth and learning, but I can't make him go that route. It is only me who can take that path. I would like if I can somehow influence many other paths so that people see that choosing a path of caring for others is the one that gives us the most rewards, and not the path of separateness and ego. That is what I would like to do somehow. If I can ever get through this difficult bit!

thanks again Toonie for being there for me.

Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

Hello all.

I need angels and prayers and strength and love sent my way.... so I'm requesting this from you here at the forum.

I feel like I've been living in a war zone, but I keep trying to rebound, and tonight I have to rise up and face another challenge. I am going to a meeting this evening, that I have started sometimes chairing. At the meeting will be x-h, and ta dah... his new "gf"....! I was physically nauseous when I heard that he is announcing her as the gf, though not a bit surprised. (He gave me that sob story about never getting over his wife who died - that he would never have a deep relationship because that pain ran to the "bottom of (his) soul")

Anyway, I am leading a meditation. For all the women, and animals that have been used and abused in this world I want to be an example of integrity and strength - with everything ripped away, what do I have to lose? I hope to be surrounded by angels, by loving energy and to have strength, confidence, protection and love!

I do not want to let this pain drag me down anymore. I want to be strong and resilient and I want to rise up high above the ugliness!

Please send your positive thoughts and prayers!!

Jan

[Zita'sMom]

Well I did it.

In front of x-h and his girlfriend (or latest playtoy you could say), and sd, I led a meditation for peace. I said: "You may have noticed that there is a shift happening in our world right now. Many people are experiencing challenges financially and personally. But there is always a choice in which pathway to take - there is the pathway of fear, or the pathway of love. You can strip everything of a person, but you can't take away someone's integrity or their soul. Our bodies are just temporary accommodation and what's important is our soul growth."

Then I led a meditation about healing the world.

For all the animals in the world that have been abused or hurt, for all the children, women and (even yes) men who have been betrayed or or deceived - this is to them! May I always be stronger than I feel, may I always use difficulty and pain to rise up and gain courage and wisdom....

To Ziggy! And all the suffering she was subjected to, this is for you dear little one.

Jan.

Attached image(s)

 

[toonie]

What a beautiful picture and how it tells that you were so loved by Ziggy, that look that is loving you right back for who you are. You carried it off perfectly Jan, I'm so proud of your loving integrity. You showed your soul, you were honest and straighforward and loving at the same time. I join you in your prayers to heal the world. And I leave you with this thought.

“The very man who has argued you down, will sometimes be found, years later, to have been influenced by what you said”
C.S. Lewis quotes (British Scholar and Novelist. 1898-1963)

Hang in there, you are worth gold and you will know what better is once you reach it.

[Nemo's Mommy]

That is such a beautiful picture of Ziggy!

I'm so proud of you that were able to get up in front of them both and lead that meditation. That took some REAL courage! Bravo!!!!!! And your words rang so true! Maybe that made your x-h stop and think about things. I am sure you touched many lives last night. Your sunshine soul shines through it all.......

Lots and lots of hugs to you!
~NM

[Zita'sMom]

What a beautiful picture and how it tells that you were so loved by Ziggy, that look that is loving you right back for who you are. You carried it off perfectly Jan, I'm so proud of your loving integrity. You showed your soul, you were honest and straighforward and loving at the same time. I join you in your prayers to heal the world. And I leave you with this thought.
“The very man who has argued you down, will sometimes be found, years later, to have been influenced by what you said”
C.S. Lewis quotes (British Scholar and Novelist. 1898-1963)"
Hang in there, you are worth gold and you will know what better is once you reach it.

Yes, my sweet Ziggy, one day she will come back to me either in this life or after... so special..

Thank you for your support. That quote really made me stop to think. I will cut and paste that quote. Both sd and x-h have demonized me, want to see me hurting, and I don't know why... but I hope my own truth shines through and your quote gives me hope.

thanks, thanks and thanks.

Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

That is such a beautiful picture of Ziggy!

I'm so proud of you that were able to get up in front of them both and lead that meditation. That took some REAL courage! Bravo!!!!!! And your words rang so true! Maybe that made your x-h stop and think about things. I am sure you touched many lives last night. Your sunshine soul shines through it all.......

Lots and lots of hugs to you!
~NM

Thanks and hugs back! It was a message for everyone but especially for x-h and sd. I do hope they learn whatever they need to learn to start caring about what they do to people in the world and the impact of their actions.

There is a saying that someone mentioned in a workshop awhile back: "None of us are healed until all of us are healed."

Here is something that really inspired me this evening.

I hope you enjoy it too, if you haven't already seen it.

Susan Boyle I Dreamed a Dream

[Zita'sMom]

Hi all

I hope all's well. My computer had a virus and I'm still unscrambling everything.

Zeus had a check up last week and he still has crystals. He'll be on the medicated diet another 5 weeks, then he can't be on it anymore. I need to get him to drink more water. I give his food like cereal and give him lots of the wet stuff (he prefers the dry).

I talked to my vet at length about foods and I've decided based on what she said to stick with the medicated diet since he needs absolutely to get rid of the crystals in his system.

He and I have got very close, since this episode. Zeus was always the quiet boy - Zita and Ziggy stole the show when they were alive. He's been very cuddly. He cuddled right up to my head a few nights ago and proceeded to clean both my eyebrows then my entire forehead and nose. It was so endearing I just couldn't tell him that his bristly tongue felt very scratchy on my skin. (I think I have red marks, but they are marks of love!)

I thank Spirit for my pets. Things have got more ridiculous with x-h (suddenly he's saying that we "mutually decided to divorce in the fall", I'm not sure if there's a legal reason or if he's just lied about it to his new girlfriend or sd or what), and he suddenly can't remember vast sums of money that I gave him to pay off his car. I received a very ugly threatening email from him and had to check into my rights about restraining orders etc. I honestly don't know who this man is, but he is not the man I thought I married. BTW after I did my presentation at that meeting he has not come back. It's a relief but he has burned so many bridges with his behaviour, I just don't understand him, and it's very tragic to watch even with the hurt he has caused. His blatant hand-holding with the new woman did not impress anyone. Some people there didn't even know we had broken up!

If Toonie is reading - here is another dream for interpretation. I dreamt that x-h was with Rosie's dead body and there were insects and flies on her. X-h was agitated and saying they shouldn't be there. I said that it was natural and that's just what happens.

Maybe it has to do with how x-h has run from dealing with grief and would rather believe that everything is just fine, even when it clearly is not. I don't like the bugs, but I accept them and face them....

Someday this difficult period will make sense to me.

I am very happy to say that the sun is finally here and the flowers smell lovely and the bleak winter finally ended. Wow, what a journey. It's not over yet, but I've survived it all so far. Even now, I still can't totally process what x-h did. It has been a major reality shift.

There are some things I think I will have to grieve later on, because it seems I just can't even think about things like Ellie leaving, or Rosie's passing. The last several months have just been one big black hole of grief, and someday I hope I will have more faith again in the human race.

I'm wishing everyone well and thinking of all of you who have so kindly posted to me over the last many months.

sending my love your way.

Jan.

[ann]

Hi Jan, Right back at you!... Yes, someday, probably when you least expect it, something will click, and you'll realize that this whole mess happened for a reason....I hope coming here to LS this past year has eased some of your pain. Just knowing you have someplace to go to..and vent.. We all need that from time to time. ..Zeus will be ok..My Piper only drinks from cups and glasses..I leave cups of water all over the house, perhaps you can try that. I read about this once somewhere, has something to do with there whiskers. Don't know but, hey as long as they drink. As for xh, very immature and insecure, plain and simple..Thanks for the update...Hang in there...Hugs..Ann

[Zita'sMom]

Hi Jan, Right back at you!... Yes, someday, probably when you least expect it, something will click, and you'll realize that this whole mess happened for a reason....I hope coming here to LS this past year has eased some of your pain. Just knowing you have someplace to go to..and vent.. We all need that from time to time. ..Zeus will be ok..My Piper only drinks from cups and glasses..I leave cups of water all over the house, perhaps you can try that. I read about this once somewhere, has something to do with there whiskers. Don't know but, hey as long as they drink. As for xh, very immature and insecure, plain and simple..Thanks for the update...Hang in there...Hugs..Ann

Hi Ann - do you use short cups or glasses for Piper. I need to try this as Zeus just plain does not drink enough water. He won't drink from a dripping tap, the only way I've been able to get him to drink is to always put water in his food and give him snacks through the day.

Yes LS has been a tremendous help to me. I am so grateful that you have all been here for me.

The stuff with x-h still hurts deeply. I gave of myself fully and he spat it all back in my face, and more. I do not understand why he enjoys causing me pain, or is just so altogether cut off that he is able to erase any feelings about me as he has done.

take care

Jan.

[ann]

Hi Jan, I understand how you feel about hx. I had one of those about 10yrs ago. He did exactaly what you described. You know the whole give part and spit in the face. we worked together too. Total mess. I told him at the begining if anything happens we have to remain civil because we have to work together. WRONG. I think the worst part was how he ignored me. Total imaturity.
Anyways, as for the cups, it's mostly regular 9oz plastic cups. Funny she never did this until she came to live with us. (she was my brother's family cat). try glasses too, just fill it to the top.
My Daisy years ago never drank much and got a bladder infection, so I gave her a lot of milk even though it's not good for them. She needed some fluids.

Not to be funny, but do you think Zeus will drink out of the toilet? Arthur did it all the time. Must be the cool water. How about putting ice cubes in a small bowl of water. Or just put one out see if he licks at it.
Good luck and thanks for the response on my post. I was doing something on the table today and brought little Dave the fish over so he could watch. I'm so bad. I have to email the lady who is fostering Bumbles and Crash and get some info. I think Dave is still interested. Fingers crossed...Ann

[toonie]

here is another dream for interpretation. I dreamt that x-h was with Rosie's dead body and there were insects and flies on her. X-h was agitated and saying they shouldn't be there. I said that it was natural and that's just what happens.

Maybe it has to do with how x-h has run from dealing with grief and would rather believe that everything is just fine, even when it clearly is not. I don't like the bugs, but I accept them and face them....

At the beginning of this thread you said that 17 year old Rosie was a big part of your ex's life with his wife who died. You thought he had been running from the feelings of grief and still was. I think that the dream tells you nothing has changed and it should bring you confidence that right from the beginning (of this end) you were much more in touch with reality than he was/is. That means you are so together compared to him, you are fully in charge of your life. Glad to see that you are holding the fort so well Jan, life will reward you, trust that it will, it will, for sure. Love to hear from you and many high regards, love, Toonie

[AngelCareOne]

JAN, PLEASE PARDON ALL CAP LETTERS. I'M TYPING WITH ONE HAND AND IT'S MUCH EASIER FOR ME. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ...

DEAREST JAN, PLEASE KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR MESSAGES HERE AND FEEL SO GAWD AWFUL ABOUT ALL YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. OF COURSE YOU REMAIN IN MY DAILY PRAYERS FOR STRENGTH TO BATTLE ALL THESE STORMS. YOU'RE A WONDERFUL, LOVING, SWEET, DEAR, COMPASSIONATE LADY!!! YOU DON'T DESERVE ALL THAT'S HAPPENED AND STILL HAPPENING TO YOU! IT'S BAD ENOUGH TRYING TO COPE WITH ALL YOUR FUR BABY TRAGEDIES, BUT YOU'VE GOT THAT MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW SO WELL AND NOW TURNS OUT TO BE NOT THE MAN YOU THOUGHT HE WAS. I'VE READ ALL YOU'VE SHARED THAT HE'S PUT YOU THROUGH AND GOSH DANG IT, WHAT A DETRIMENT TO ALL OTHER THINGS YOU'RE EXPERIENCING INSTEAD OF THE PERSON ONE WOULD THINK OUGHT TO BE YOUR BEACON OF HOPE, COMFORT AND LOVE.

I WANT SO MUCH TO REACH INTO MY PC MONITOR, PUT MY ARM AROUND YOUR SHOULDER, WEEP WITH YOU AND GIVE YOU MANY COMFORTING HUGS! I'D SHARE WITH YOU SEVERAL THINGS THAT MY FIRST HUSBAND DID TO ME. SUCH A FINE, HONEST AND DECENT MAN, TOO. BUT, IT WOULD ONLY MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A MORON FOR HAVING BEEN SO TOLERANT, KIND, LOVING, CARING AND EVEN SO NAIVE NOT TO HAVE LEFT HIM SOONER THAN I DID. HEY, I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID SO DO FORGIVE BOTH HIM AND MYSELF AND WE PARTED MOST AMICABLY.

MY SECOND HUSBAND DIED AND I GRIEVED TERRIBLY FOR PRACTICALLY A FULL YEAR UNTIL ONE DAY WHEN I ASKED MYSELF THESE QUESTIONS: WHY THE HELL AM I CARRYING ON CRYING MY EYES OUT SO BADLY FOR THIS MAN WHO WAS HORRIBLY ABUSIVE TO ME AND OTHERS? WHO ALMOST KILLED ME THAT ONE TIME IN HIS FIT OF DRUNKEN RAGE WHEN I HAD DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING EXCEPT TO RESCUE MY SWEET AKITA DOGGIE JEBU FROM SIMON HANGING HIM? (IT'S TRUE AND I KID YOU NOT.) IN ADDITION HE, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY HE WAS "INDISCREET WITH ANYONE WEARING A SKIRT" THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS MARRIED TO HIM. AT THAT POINT I DID BID FAREWELL TO SORROW REGARDING THAT BABOON'S BUTT. HE DIED JUST AS VIOLENTLY AS HE HAD LIVED. KARMA CAN BE A REAL BIOTCH, EH?

I AM SO VERY BLESSED THAT KENNY CAME INTO MY LIFE, WAS THE MOST LOVING, CARING, COMPASSIONATE, THOUGHTFUL, SUPPORTIVE MAN THAT HE WAS. GOD BROKE THE MOLD WHEN HE MADE KENNY. IT'S SO COMFORTING TO ME THAT HE DIED PEACEFULLY IN HIS SLEEP AFTER HAVING GONE TO BED HAPPY, SEEMINGLY HEALTHY WITH NO LITTLE TO NO KNOWLEDGE THAT THERE WAS EVEN ANYTHING WRONG AT ALL. JAN, ANGELS DO BREATHE! AND I GRIEVED A SURPRISINGLY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME AFTER WHICH I ONLY HAD AND STILL HAVE THE FONDEST MEMORIES OF THAT MAN WHO WALKED ON WATER.

I WISH, WISH, WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO TO TAKE AWAY ALL YOUR PAIN, DEAR ONE. TRULY I DO ...

JAN, I WISH YOU PEACE!!!

MUCH LOVE,
DOTTIE xoxoxox

[Zita'sMom]

Good luck and thanks for the response on my post. I was doing something on the table today and brought little Dave the fish over so he could watch. I'm so bad. I have to email the lady who is fostering Bumbles and Crash and get some info. I think Dave is still interested. Fingers crossed...Ann

Oh Ann - that is so sweet about the fish! You are such a loving pet owner!! I do hope you get your special kitty, actually I hope you get several! They deserve you.

Zeus just doesn't drink much. I don't see him drink anything really except when I give him the water in his food. I tried a small cup, but he wasn't interested.

I wonder if milk is bad for crystals? I'm pretty sure he'd drink that. I feel like he really has to drink more. I keep telling him and telling him, but he just looks at me and doesn't drink except what I put in his food. Lately he's started to try to just fish the food out so he doesn't have to drink all of that either.

Oh my Zeusy boy, what's with him?

I'm crossing my fingers with you about the kitties!!!

love Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

At the beginning of this thread you said that 17 year old Rosie was a big part of your ex's life with his wife who died. You thought he had been running from the feelings of grief and still was. I think that the dream tells you nothing has changed and it should bring you confidence that right from the beginning (of this end) you were much more in touch with reality than he was/is. That means you are so together compared to him, you are fully in charge of your life. Glad to see that you are holding the fort so well Jan, life will reward you, trust that it will, it will, for sure. Love to hear from you and many high regards, love, Toonie

Thanks Toonie - your interpretations seem right on to me and I knew you'd be able to make sense of it!

I think there might be even more grief than the wife who died. Who knows what underlies his behaviour or what may have happened in the past. I looked back on my dream journal and I had many dreams about him where he was wearing a mask, some dreams were actually pretty scary. One was about two men wearing masks. There was a statue of a beast-like creature joined to the wall. The one man said to the other, "if you break it, it might manifest", but the man broke it regardless, and turned into the beast. It gets even more grotesque. Then the beast-man turned on the other and ate him, starting with his head. I knew in the dream this beast was a danger to all that he came across and would be loose in society.

It's funny, but this dream happened way before I knew x-h had thoughts of leaving me and before Ziggy died. I know the beast creature represents him, but not sure if the other man who warned him represents me? Or possibly his daughter. The men had a criminal, evil feel to them. Maybe two sides of x-h even... don't know but the masks came up continually in dreams. I'm writing about these dreams now, and it's very interesting when I read the common threads of my dreams that happened even before I knew x-h was going to bolt.

Thanks Toonie. I've been reading several dream books, and am starting to "get" them a lot quicker. I personally believe dreams are messages from God/Spirit/Source/the Universe or whatever you want to call it.

Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

Dottie, what a beautiful letter.

I'm sorry I haven't followed your thread too much lately, I spend less and less time at the computer as I try to sort out my actual life...! I will go check on you very soon but it's late now and I really should get some sleep, so not tonight.

But I so appreciate what you've said to me and what you've shared. And thanks for the empathy, yes I thought he would be my beacon of hope, comfort and love - what a disappointment! That's an understatement. And I accept gratefully your hug through the computer.

I had to laugh about the karma bit and the descriptive prose. haha. You are right that it all comes back, eventually. I believe if not in this life, then the next. You know it's weird, and maybe - if you have any desire to - you could tune into this yourself, tell me if I'm wrong... but I just get a "feeling" x-h is in for some serious health problems. He had a stent operation (major artery to the heart clogged 95%).

He said at the counselling session that it was after this operation that "we" started to "drift apart". Well that was news to me. That operation had happened in fall of 2007, and he never said a word about this "drifting". There is something more there I think... don't know exactly what, but the mask he wears and the recent blatant lying.. well I just don't get it. I don't understand lying anyway or hiding things from people you supposedly love. "The truth shall set you free." But I do believe in the laws of cause and effect, and personal responsiblity. You can't escape yourself no matter how fast or far you run!

And what a blessing that you met Kenny. These special angels in our lives remind us that people do care and have compassion. I was so fooled with x-h, I just wonder why... but he played his role very well, and my vision is now much sharper.

Thank you for your words of hope and empathy - sending you a big huge hug back!!

much love Jan.

[Magesmumma]

Hi Jan,

I haven't read all that's been happening for you - there's been alot. Hugs to you.

I was thinking of you - as this is our 52 week anniversay today and 12 months tomorrow for Ziggy and Mage.

I know people say and I've said it before, to be kind to yourself, but I seem to not be too easy on myself. I hope you are easier on you. May you continue on your quest for healing and violence prevention.

Ziggy is so precious in that photo.

Missing our beautiful ones.

Wendi.

[Zita'sMom]

Hello all

I have not been here forever! Because life does carry on.... Everyone here has been so important to my healing process with so many losses all at once. So thank you for "being there".

My divorce will be final on April 11th. I managed to stay on my farm. There's a new man in my life now. Zeus is doing well and the other pets are just fine. And me I'm fine too! I mentioned awhile back in my posts that I was going to write a book, well that's what I'm doing.

I'm in a contest too, and I'm requesting votes from anyone who'd like to support my project.

I have created a book pitch in video format. You can view it and vote (if you feel inclined to do so!) at: http://www.NextTopAuthor.com/?aid=202 You have to input your email address to vote but you don't end up on a spam list by doing that. The only update they might send is for the next session of voting and you can unsubscribe from that if you don't want to know.

I'd love to make it to the next phase of voting so if you do like my book pitch, feel free to pass it on to others. (Winner gets a publishing contract from Hampton Roads Publishing.)

Take care and love to all.

Hope everyone's hearts are healing....

Jan