The End Is Near, Cancers winning Options

[toonie]

Sending you my thoughts and prayers as well, courage and may you be surrounded by angels.

[LoveThem]

You always have and are always still doing everything FOR HER. That is your love for her showing.

My special ones have never won a permanent stay when it was cancer. In fact, my boy's twin brother was lost to cancer 5 years before my boy..and then my boy had an emergency because of it and so my goodbye to both of these was very short. The twin had to go to sleep in less than a week after the diagnosis due to breathing problems. My boy was having eating problems for about 6 weeks but while we were trying to decide what to do...he had a breathing emergency...the first emergency I had to go through and a day I will not forget. If we are allowed to be sure they are free of pain and only know peace....that is something I am always grateful for. The emergency showed me that the decisions I made for others previously was truly done before they became an emergency as my last boy was.

Believe me, you are truly thinking of Hunny in all that you do. It is just a time that we feel the most helpless for we know we have done all we and our vet can do, and yet, we always still wish there was more help for our special sweetheart.

And I know that even though her mind is good now, it's only a matter of time before things become unbearable for her.

These are the thoughts that show how very much you are thinking of her and putting her before everything else. She feels your love and somehow I think they truly understand in their own way that we never want to let them go.

Please do ask your vet about giving two shots.....I wish it had been suggested to me the first time and everytime I had to make the decision...I would have jumped at the chance to hug and cry without getting my baby upset....but it was only through a lady mobile vet's suggestion 7 years ago that I even knew it could happen..and I see by others' comments elsewhere...it meant something special to them too.

Sending you a big, arms wrapped around tight hug, and crying tears with you. I have had some beautiful dogs be a part of my life and I was always reluctant to let them go when it was time, but, like you, as a "Mom", I had to do what was best for my sweetheart.

Even knowing all this, it is never easier to make the decision but sometimes remembering why and remembering the current quality of life and what may be around the corner....well, I can say knowing my baby was avoiding what was coming......has helped me to be at ease that I didn't change my mind when I knew it was the right decision under all the circumstances I could think of. But inside my mind...I was shouting "No"...every time.

Hug that girl again for me, please.
Judy

[Ernie]

How I grieve for you and understand the toll cancer can take. I made the decision you are faced to make and I waited like you did and I see it all today like it was yesterday.

My Jake died 8 years ago this year. He had osteosarcoma of the knee.

There are not enough pages or words to describe Jake but he was loved and very special but I would like to tell you if don't mind.

My husband and I adopted him from the humane society as a puppy he was a lab/dalmation mix. He was born with hip dysplasia, we had both hips done when he was young and then when he was five he hopped through the yard and landed on this big hug rubber toy and tore the ligaments in one knee, we had the knee wired. When he was 9 I noticed a lump on his good knee and called the vet, the outcome was osteosarcoma. I will never forget that day, he took jake back while I waited and returned without him and told me the prognosis and I didn't know at the time what that was and when he told me I lost my balance and sank to the ground. He said at this point it will grow and get huge and he won't be able to walk on that leg, well that was his good knee that the cancer was growing on and I was devastated, he said he could live a few more years with it amputated and I was horrified by that suggestion. He had lived longer then his first vet had said he would, he gave him five years with two hip surgeries and a knee wired.

I took him home, told my husband and cried, we kept him alive for two weeks and it grew the size of a soft ball. The day we made the decision was a Friday, I called the vet Thursday and my husband, myself and his parents spent the day with him, he was fine, he was happy, he was eating but he couldn't walk anymore. We gave him all his favorite foods the last hour of his life, I will never forget the look on his face and his tail wagging the whole day. I always wonder if that meant he knew this was it and no more pain. We got him in the car, drove to the vet, had to wait an hour in the car with him till the vet was ready, he wasn't going alone, thats all I knew. I have never done this before, I lost my Sam a year earlier to AIHA and he died at home so I never experienced another loss much less a decision of ending a life. We got him in a room, he layed down on the floor, looked at all of us, wagging his tail, the vet came in to administer a tranqualizer and he couldn't hit a vein, it took four times and by then I was gone, crying, saying no I can't do this because everytime he poked jake and couldn't get a vein he would look at me and wag his tail. Finally he drifted off, and I never held him when the last shot was given I was so gone and I never held him when he had his last breathe and I regret that, his last knowledge of his mom was hysterical crying.

Jake was so many things and so special and loved by the whole family, my in-laws loved him so much that they were there the day he died. He is buried in my heart forever.

I cry now as I type this and my heart goes out to you in this time of grief because I know. I haven't cried about Jake in awhile. You will be in my thoughts tonight and tomorrow and know that you have many friends here that know what you are going through. Sorry for the long drawn out story of Jake.

Lots of hugs,

Cindy

P.S. A few days after Jake died I called the vet that had done his surgeries on both hips and knee and told him. I thanked him for giving Jake his life and forever be grateful for all the years he lived.

[ann]

Hi Lynnette, My thoughts and prayers will be with you Saturday. It is so terriblely hard to do, but you did all you could for your Hunny. On the show the Dog Whisper, they told someone who had to let their dog go who had cancer, was, medicine only masks the problem for a little the while, the desease remains. You gave your Hunny the best life, and in return got that unconditional love that non pet owners will never know. For that you both are blessed.
As for sending a teddy, do whatever your heart desires. Nothing you say or do is ever corny when you love someone; a person or pet. When I had to put my Arthur down, I brought with me a picture of my last cat Daisy, who meant the world to me, that was all I had of her. It was a small photo. It fit in the palm of my hand. I wanted to place it on him, but I didn't and I wish I had. I held onto it and prayed for her to guide him to the Bridge and stay with him until I came for them.
Hunny will always be in your heart and the memories will turn your tears to smile...Hugs..Ann

[LoveThem]

Lynette

Just to let you know, I am thinking of you and Hunny today and sending you both hugs and prayers.

Judy

[lynette]

Well, she's gone. I held it together pretty good. My husband was the one who broke down when she left. I woke up this morning feeling, I don't know, peace isn't the word, but acceptance maybe. Hunny and I went for a walk this morning. I let her decide which way she wanted to go. So we walked towards the market road. She hasn't walked that way since last summer. She ambled slowly and enjoyed her peaceful walk. It was really quiet out this morning. She sure looked weary though. Then just before lunch I drove her to my parents (just next door, she didn't have the strength to walk there earlier) to say goodbye to them and to their two dogs.

Our other dogs said their goodbyes, I think. I broke down just before we left. But managed to hold it together till we were home. Carly, my daughter cried all the way home, an hour fifteen minutes drive. And she cried all night till she fell asleep just a little while ago. Poor thing, the past nine months have been really hard for her, for all of us. She's only 13. But at least she got to say goodbye to Hunny. She wished for Lily to just come home for weeks because she left so suddenly and was not able to say goodbye or "see you later".

See you later was what I told Hunny. Told her I loved her over and over. They sedated her first. The end was really quick. But now I'm wondering if I made the right choice. We could have held on longer maybe. The doctor said this was the right choice, that the cancer spreads fast now.

I feel empty inside. My heart is aching so much for her and for Lily. And yes, I do think that I never really had the chance to grieve for Lily because Hunny got sick right away. Poor Hunny never had the chance either. She lost her sister, then had to fight this awful battle so soon after. But she was brave - right to the very end. I'm proud of her. She didn't want to go, but I guess she knew it was time.

Lumps were popping up all over her now. She had a huge one on her chest. And my husband found one on the back of her neck the other day, so it was just a matter of time before it hit her brain, heart or lungs.

I feel so bad, especially for her. I know she's in a better place where she's whole again and happy, but she didn't want to leave us either.

I know time will slowly heal this pain. But it's going to be really hard not having her lying around or scratching at the door to come in. Many nights I've stayed up waiting for her to come into bed. I miss that already.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be easier.

Thank you all for your kind words. It means a great deal to me.

I'll see how my daughter deals with this, I think I may encourage her to find help also.

See you later Hunny. Sweet dreams. Love you Baby.

[lynette]

Today doesn't feel like the right decision. I feel so empty and lost without her.

[lynette]

Today doesn't feel like the right decision. I feel so empty and lost without her.

[sissycat]

The feelings you are having are normal. You will feel all sorts of things. It is ok.

You probably know deep down in your heart it was the right thing to do. Our furbabies cannot actually speak, so we speak for them. She is at the Rainbow Bridge now--no pain, no worn out body---. I'm sure she Thanks you for that!!

And yes (see you later) that was a good choice of words. She is still with you, just as a different form.
Its good when you get to say goodbye to them. Sure wish I could have said goodbye to my Sissycat!!

Please know we are all here for you!!!!

Sending hugs to you and your new Angel Hunny!!!

[LoveThem]

See you later was what I told Hunny. Told her I loved her over and over. They sedated her first. The end was really quick. But now I'm wondering if I made the right choice. We could have held on longer maybe. The doctor said this was the right choice, that the cancer spreads fast now.

You definitely made the right decision for her. I'm glad the doctor told you that also. It is true the cancer can spread very fast and cause a lot of pain. You saved her from that. You gave her peace.
Yes, I can understand you feel the word "acceptance" feels like the right choice of words.

Besides the doctor saying it...I will say something else...you said "The end was really quick."
Remember I told you about my boy's twin brother who had to be put to sleep and the mobile lady vet that time came to our home and suggested the sedation before the 2nd shot?

Well, the vet told us..after it was over...that our boy had gone very quickly. She said that told her as a doctor...he was barely hanging on...and reinforced the belief it was the right decision. She hoped that helped us because we all do wonder later if we made the right decision at the right time. I'll never forget her saying that....the quickness was a big sign to her. Hope this helps you.

We never want to let them go..that's only natural...but we mustn't add questioning our decision to our grief. The grief is hard enough by itself.

When you think of Hunny.....remember....you DID give her peace and you definitely saved her from a painful future. I always say when it is cancer, and they hide how they are feeling..how do we ever know when the pain first starts. But then I also think to myself...humans get cancer and I have never know someone who had cancer that was not curable say...there was no pain. In fact, we know there is a lot in the future because humans get morphine when they say it hurts that bad. You saved her from a future the only way you could.

It was the right decision at the right time. My last boy, Little Guy, was galloping around the house a week before he went to the ER. He had x-rays of his chest 10 days before the ER and his chest was clear. 10 days later at the ER, he couldn't breathe due to a chest full of fluid that would not allow his lungs to expand in his chest. Out of nowhere it came...he dragged himself into our living room that afternoon with his eyes closed, barely conscious. The vet said his gums were blue from no oxygen. That's how fast something terrible can come. The vets believed my boy had cancer somewhere in his body but at age 16 1/2 they didn't think exploratory surgery would be helpful. It was his time.

You made the right decision, Lynette. Of course you will miss your girl...she was a part of your life...a big part. Remember now the good and healthy years and be thankful for those. I know I am with my special ones. It is kind of like a member here once said:"The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her".

That thought has helped me so very much. I hope it helps you too. Thank you for posting back with an update. You and Hunny have been on my mind each day and it sounds as though it went calmer than you expected...more peaceful...for you and your family. You know if these babies had a choice they would never leave us no matter how they felt. That's why we are the ones who have to make the choice..but it is always done out of love. She knows how much she is loved and now you have a special Angel watching over you and your family...forever.

Hugs to you, Lynette. Peace and healing are my wishes for you and from your post, I think you will be okay. This is the worst time...the emptiness...but remember WHY the decision was made and yes, that's where "acceptance" comes in and that seems to help feeling more peaceful with the decision.

As you said...."the end was really quick". She was ready to go and she was able to go in peace, without pain. That is the most loving gift you could ever give her.

Judy

[lynette]

Thank you - you're words are very comforting.

This morning was rough. Felt empty and lost. And had to deal with one of our other dogs mourning Hunny. Poor Izzy, we adopted her last year just after we lost Lily. She was wondering around for several hours looking for Hunny, even though she saw her leave yesterday. But I guess she thought that she would be back. She whined and cried, and then howled for a bit. Poor thing. I felt so bad for her. Izzy is special to us. She had a rough back ground. Infact, she was surrended by a puppymill June 24th. The day that Lily died. So could be karma!!! She's had problems but she has come such a long way. And I thank Hunny for taking her under her wing when she came to us. Poor Hunny had been sick the whole time she'd known Izzy though. But Hunny watched out for her. If she'd been in better shape each time Izzy bolted in the first few months we had her, she would have searched everywhere for her.

Hunny was a golden with an attitude. Always had to have the last word. Very intelligent. Would do what she was asked, but just had to have the last word.

I miss her so much. I miss Lily too. But even though the house feels empty and so, so quiet without her, there is some kind of relief I guess. We were looking over photos from the last month or so, and we could see the pain and sadness in her eyes. She deserved much more than to sit here and suffer just so that we could hold onto her longer. I wish she was still here. I wish she had never got sick. But I am so grateful that we had 7 extra months with her. Even then I wonder if we did the right thing. Was she suffering all this time and we couldn't tell? I hope not. Were we selfish in keeping her? I sure hope not. She was my pride and joy. Lily too. I hope they are both running around having a grand old time.

Tomorrow will be a better day I know. I'm taking the day off of work. I didn't have the opportunity to stay home the day after Lily left us and I hated that. I wasn't able to grieve when I needed to and for that I resent my job. I think they should have bereavement leave for our furbabies.

I will miss my babies so very much.

I'm sorry that you too have felt this awful pain and I am very grateful for your kind words. They help very much.

Thank you.

Lynette.

[lynette]

This is the hardest time of day I think. Hunny used to wake me up usually to let her out, but for the past couple weeks she's been lying in the hallway just outside our bedrooms. She just wanted us to sit with her and rub her belly. God, I miss her so much. All I want to do is hug her. She was never a lovey-dovey dog, never kissed, but she had her own way of showing affection. It was so quiet this morning. For the last few weeks all I've done is lay in bed listening for her and when she growled or barked I just felt relief - one more day. I just laid in bed this morning and cried. I'm crying now. It's so empty without her here now. My other dogs are quiet in the morning. Hunny used to wake us all up.

Barney and Izzy hardly ate anything yesterday. And Izzy cried. And Barney was just a wild "child" yesterday. I guess he's dealing with it the only way he knows how. He's too young to understand (he's only 7 months). And Casey didn't have much time to get to know Hunny - only 2 weeks.

Barney knew something was up though. He would always rub up against her, try to play with her sometimes and then he would just go sit and look at her for a few moments. So, I think he knew something was going to happen.

I feel sick to my stomach. It's like she's just outside but we know that she's not coming back in. She loved being outside. She would just sit and watch the world go by. I feel so empty. My heart aches so much. I can't believe that my mum hasn't even phoned to see how Carly is doing! I talked to my sister last night - it helped a bit. She has a golden retriever too and they almost lost theirs a few weeks ago.

I guess I know in my heart that we did the right thing, but letting go is just so painful.

I love you so much Hunny, you too Lily. Now I can grieve for both of you. Lily - your death was painful but we had Hunny's right to deal with right away and we never did get to grieve for you as much as we should have.

I miss you both so very much. I wish I could just hold and hug you - just one more time.

Love you both.

Love Mum.

[LoveThem]

Keep writing and sharing your thoughts and feelings....it will help. As for crying...I never thought I would stop when I lost my boy. I cried each day until I was exhausted...and so that does become a part of everything for a while.

Give Barney and Izzy extra talking to and extra hugs and kisses...in time they will accept the change they are feeling....just as you are feeling.

I always think Sickness can come quickly but grief takes a long time to allow things to be more bearable.

Take it all just one day at a time and when you think of Hunny....remember that...you gave her peace. I look at a picture of my boy and when I look into his eyes...I think that thought...that "I'm sorry it all happened but all I could do was give you peace...and that's what I did".

I know what you mean about a set routine you are used to..as well as the rest of the household. This is a big change...it really is...and not one that turns around quickly...but as the days pass and remembering Hunny is at peace, is in no pain at all for sure, and what was happening to her was not something you could prevent.

It finally helped me to think about the fact that what happens does happen because it is their time to leave and when that time comes, there will be nothing we can do to stop it...all we can do is hope we can make sure they have peace. If it is not their time then the vet will be able to cure them...as can happen during a lifetime...and we see to it our babies are taken care of.
If there is no cure for what happens to them...then some power has decided it is their time to go and helping them is taken out of our control.

For some people, maybe it is time to make room for another who needs a home. I really can't think of too many reasons why they may be taken from us. There may not be any. Sometimes it helps to feel there is a reason even though we don't know why. All we know is the day does come when we can help no more.

You are so right........"letting go is just so painful". A very devastating pain that feels so overwhelming, especially when it is so recent we lost them. The healing that time will bring will not take the pain completely away because we will always miss them and missing them causes the pain...but it will become more bearable, especially as we continue to remember the happy, healthy years ...and those become the memories that help us heal....and we also discover that the pictures we thought to take....really become priceless to us. We can smile at those when we remember that at that time...they felt great and all was right with our world.

I'm sorry it was Hunny's time. We never have them long enough and we never will think otherwise.

Hugs to you and your family and your babies. Healing will come but it really does take time.
There are no time limits on grief. We learn to do what makes us feel better at the time.
Whether it is crying, venting through talking or typing, whatever helps us is truly the right thing
to do.

Your Hunny was an Angel always....it is that right now she is sitting on a cloud looking down at you....with a wagging tail that is saying...I am okay and we will meet again. In the meantime she will also always be in your heart..as I like to think of as...her "forever home".

Judy

[lynette]

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss of their beloved pets. It hurts so much.

Today, was better. I still miss her and I know I always will. I keep looking out the window for her. She loved to sit outside for hours. But this time I know there will be no scratching at the door to come in.

Although it hurts, deep down there is an acceptance. I can't say a peace, but I don't believe there is anything peaceful about what happened. I've looked at photos of her when she was sleeping, and Saturday was not a peaceful sleep. All I can say is that is was emotionless. I so wished we could have kept her here with us, but we did the right thing. Looking back at the photos I can tell in her eyes how bad it was. The painkillers masked all of her pain, so her friskiness was just an act. I know she really wanted to play with the pups and she tried, but she just didn't have the energy to play for more than a few minutes.

I think I cried more in the last two weeks. I guess I knew the end was near, because I just kept playing over and over in my mind the ending. So, I'm sure I was already grieving for her. There was nothing more we could do for her. I cry now because I miss her so much. I hate this disease. She was supposed to grow old. Before the cancer appeared, my greatest fear was that we would eventually have to put her to sleep because her arthritis was too much.

The staff at the vet's office were really good. Hunny had her surgery done last year at our local vet here in town, but I swore then that when the time came she would not be the one to end her life. She is very cold. I wanted people around who showed compassion. I am going to send her a card though, one announcing Hunny's passing. As cold as she was she did give us 7 extra months with our baby. And for that I am truly grateful.

I am really disappointed with my family though. My mum hasn't even phoned to see how Carly or any of us are doing. My dad made a really ignorant comment earlier when I was walking the dogs. He said asked why we took her to Stonewall Vet, because it is such a long drive (just over an hour). Then he said wasn't that just dragging it out and that wouldn't it have been better just to take her out in the bush and shoot her? I said we're not all as cruel as you. He is such an ignorant man! I have too much respect for Hunny or any of my pets to do anything like that. My husband is a hunter, and even he could not do that!!

Tomorrow I have to go to work. Since Lily died I can honestly say I hate going there. My perspective on life has definitely changed. I don't want to leave my babies any longer than I have to. Yes, I would change jobs if I could, but we live in a small town and there just aren't jobs out there.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you to all of you who have offered such wonderful and comforting words. This really means a lot to mean as it seems I have no support from my family.

Take care and I will be back again for sure.

Good night to all of you.

Lynette.

My dogs are barking like crazy outside. I have to check on them.

[lynette]

Another day. Not looking forward to it. Back to work.

Poor Barney, he was throwing up again during the night. Second night in a row. He's hardly eating. I'm worried about him. I guess he's mourning too. He doesn't understand what is going on. But I wish he would eat more and stop vomiting. The vomiting scares me. He seems to stress rather easily. We have him enrolled in puppy classes starting tomorrow, so hopefully that will help him get over his shyness and grief. All three pups were upset when Carly left for school today, all crying and whining.

The house is just so empty without Hunny there. She used to lie on the floor usually right where you were working in the kitchen. And she was such a big girl she took up a lot of room. We were always stepping over her. I miss that so much.

I won't be surprised if Carly phones me during recess today. She's doing ok, but has her moments.

I find the mornings the hardest part of the day. Waking up and she's not there. I miss her so much. I can't even listen to the radio anymore. I found that when Lily died all the music seemed so sad. Music just seems to remind me of both of them. I would leave the tv on for Hunny when I left for work every day, so that she wouldn't be so lonely because we were locking Izzy up with Barney in the back porch up until we got Casey two weeks ago. Then we let Izzy stay upstairs with Hunny, but I would still leave CMT on for them.

We rearranged the house Sunday. We didn't want to leave Izzy by herself, so we made room for the three of them in the basement. My husband also steam cleaned the living room carpet Sunday. Hunny had an open tumour on her foot and he wanted to clean up just for the disease factor. I don't know that it did anything. If felt like we were putting her life away Sunday. Very unsettling. I know we weren't packing up her life or memories, we were just preparing for the pups. But still not a good feeling.

My chest still feels very tight. And just like the pups I don't have much of an appetite. I know it'll take time. Thank goodness this is such a short week. And my husband goes onto nights this Sunday so even though he will be sleeping he'll be home for the pups during the day. They were almost panicking because they were being left alone. Poor things. I hope they can heal quickly.

I find that I'm second guessing my decision to let Hunny go. I know it's too late now, but I just keep wondering if we made the choice too soon. Could we have held on another week or so? I wish that we could've. I miss her so much.

[lynette]

Miss Hunny so much. It still feels like she's just outside. She loved to spend so much time outside. But I know that she's not coming back in.

What's upsetting is that I don't feel the same immense grief and loss that I felt when Lily left. Maybe it just hasn't fully sunk in yet, or maybe I'm just relieved that my babies are together again. Or maybe it won't sink in until we get Hunny's ashes back. I don't know, but I feel guilty that I'm not crying all the time like I did with Lily. I am immensely sad though, and I miss her so much. She was such a huge part of our lives for the past eight years. I love her so much.

[LoveThem]

I don't know, but I feel guilty that I'm not crying all the time like I did with Lily.

Maybe your feeling of acceptance and knowing deep down you had no real choice for her....may be part of why the tears are not constant.

The tears are not over but maybe there is something different this time. As you said about looking at pictures and seeing the pain there. You gave her peace when there wasn't a cure and her quality of life was not the same. You were there for her and saw to it her pain was taken away.

We cry cause we miss them so much and yet I can look at a picture of my boy without crying, just a soft touch to his face and saying....I'm sorry you had to go but I was able to give you peace when you were suffering...and somehow I can do that without tears.

But if I were to just think of him and think about all the things he did that I missed...well, the tears appear and that's okay too.

Watching your pups will keep you busy and just remember WHY Hunny needed peace. Why doesn't stop us from missing and loving them but remembering it in its own way can sometimes give us some of the peace we need to heal.

Judy

[lynette]

It's been a little while since I've been to this site. Life goes on, but sometimes it just sucks. I miss Hunny and Lily so much some days it's just like a huge wave washes over me right out of the blue. And sometimes it's just triggered by a song or by something that someone says. Driving to and from work is the hardest part of my day. That's when the tears flow. But I can still see Hunny in my mind's eye. My daughter and I went for walk the other day with our pups, and I said to her, do you see Hunny and Lily running up there? She looked for a few seconds and then said "no". That broke my heart. So then I said, "look, there goes Hunny running into the field." She looked again. I actually feel peace or happiness, I don't know which yet, when I see them. They both loved going for walks. Lily loved to run off ahead and Hunny loved to wander through the field.

Barney is still trying to deal with her loss. He's eating again which is great. But I think he feels like he must be the "man of the house" now. My husband went back on nights - the first time since Hunny flew to heaven, and both he and Izzy were on edge all night for the first couple nights. Both were barking and wandering around the house. Hunny was our protector I guess.

It seems strange not stepping over her all the time. She always sprawled out on the floor, usually right behind you when you were working in the kitchen. Sometimes it still feels like she's outside.

We still don't have her ashes yet. I hope the vet calls soon. The snow is melting rather quickly now, and hopefully the ground will start to thaw. I'm guessing it will be another month before we can bury her ashes next to her beautiful sister.

Yesterday the weather was just so gorgeous, the warmest day this year so far. The sun was shining, the snow was melting. There's water everywhere and all I could think was Hunny would've loved this day. She would've sat outside all day enjoying the sun and then wandered around the yard through all the water. My heart broke. Spring was both Lily and Hunny's favourite part of the year.

Some days are just so hard. But I know we need to be strong for Izzy, Barney and Casey. In time, I'm sure they'll forget her until they meet her at the Bridge. That's a sad thought, but I suppose that's just how animals deal with life. But then again, it maybe not a bad way to be. Memories can be very painful. I know they can be very wonderful too. And I know I wouldn't trade any of mine for anything in the world.

I know I'm not alone in my grief. There are so many other people who feel the same way. I know there are so many people out there who are just now going through what I've gone through with Hunny, and my heart goes out to them. I hope I never have to make that painful decision ever again in my life. I still don't know if it was the right time. I know it was the right decision, but the right time - I have my doubts. Maybe we could've have kept her here with us for a few more weeks maybe more. But then how do you ever know when the right time is? Do you hold on till they start to suffer or do you let them go before they suffer too much? I don't know. This will be one question that I don't think I will ever find peace with. Hunny was on pain killers, so I honestly couldn't tell what kind of pain she was in. I could only imagine how bad it was. And in my heart I guess I know that she had to have been in pain, that there was just no way she had no pain at all.

I'm just thinking out loud here. I think about Hunny and Lily an awful lot. But I have to admit I don't think about Hunny every second of every day like I did before. She was always on my mind - always. And I cried so, so many tears for her when she was still alive. I felt guilty crying, because it was like saying goodbye to every time I had to leave her, either to go to work, or to bed or even just to another room.

I miss her so much. And I love her. Hopefully, one day I will be able to mention her name without my voice breaking or a tear rolling down my face. Lily too.

I just hope that they are both happy. I hope that they're enjoying "life" again. And I hope that they are running around to their hearts content.

Love you my babies.

Thank you to everyone who have offered such caring and compassionate words. This has been a great place for me. I wish I would have found this site when Lily left so suddenly and unexpectedly last year.

Thank you.