Goodbye Rosie Goodbye Family Options

[greenie]

I must reply here and tell you...I think you are dealing with this amazingly well! You have been double..triple..quadruple whammied! I admire people who are as strong as you...I can't handle loss and don't know how to deal with it.

Your Rosie was so beautiful! You are so lucky she gave you a sign to say goodbye to you.

[Zita'sMom]

That painting of your sweet Pixie is wonderful,you have conveyed all the kindness in her eyes. That looks tells me that she keeps a special place for you forever in her heart , your loving ways must have been soothing for her perhaps you had to be there for her in a strange mysterious way.
I don't know what your plans are for now but one of my friends' marriage split up and she decided to be able to stay in her house by putting up an ad for a person to share the house, it turned out great for her and the renter, both were able to get back on their feet( that other person was living the same sort of upheaval and needed a place to live). You might consider a rental agreement after a few interviews and ask for references, this might be a solution for you too. Take care and big big hugs, not easy, may you be uplifted by angels of all kinds.

Toonie - you always have such wonderful words of wisdom, and you are such an eloquent writer. Just thought I'd say so, 'cause I'm always thinking it when you post!

I hope Rosie keeps a special place in her heart for me, as you said, just as I do for her in mine... my little Pixie girl.

I am considering something like what you mentioned. Because there is a barn and a large property someone who has a horse could stay here, and there are two rooms to rent. But I also know that there is much to sort out here and I want to be easy to myself over the next couple of months. I am going to hold off making any decisions until the end of Jan. or if it "feels right", whichever comes first. The last thing I want is to create more chaos in my life so I will take some time to think things out carefully. I know there are many options, and it's just finding the right one.

Funny but the last two evenings I actually enjoyed my quiet time. I realized it has been years since I've had that quiet time to myself, just with the dogs and Zeus. The place is still a disaster - looks like a tornado struck and took all the furniture and it's a filthy mess, but just being alone and having the quiet, with no conflict, no-one sassing me, or wishing I was their previous wife, or not being able to handle whatever feelings I have... well it's actually, just nice. I can hardly believe I'm saying that but it's true. I know there will be lots of ups and downs. Just during the course of a day there are many. I think I just feel at peace because there is really nothing I could have done short of being superwoman to make it all "work". I did my best within my own boundaries and limits...

I am so lucky for the great friends I have and for my remaining pets. Even Zeus is becoming more prominent. With Zita or with Ziggy, he stayed in the background quite a bit, because they were both such outgoing girls. But he is really vying for my attention lately. Poor little troup - they don't know why we've been abandoned. Well, neither do I really, but at least we have each other.

Thanks for all the hugs and angels - I think they are here by my side.

Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

I must reply here and tell you...I think you are dealing with this amazingly well! You have been double..triple..quadruple whammied! I admire people who are as strong as you...I can't handle loss and don't know how to deal with it.

Your Rosie was so beautiful! You are so lucky she gave you a sign to say goodbye to you.

Wow, Greenie, thank you so much. I don't know if I'm dealing with it well, but so many things have happened that pretty much it feels like the whole world was stripped away and I guess, well, there's only up from here! I am just lucky to have good friends and support.

I'm sure you can handle loss, even though it hurts terribly. It is the grief we are afraid of because we don't like the pain. The pain, as Toonie taught me with the poem by Kahlil Gibran, is a reflection of equal parts of joy, and we must remember that. I have learned beyond any doubt, that feeling that pain and going through it allows us to heal, and allows us to feel joy once again. Pain is just part of the human condition if we risk loving.

Rosie was such a beautiful and sweet little character. She was very independent minded but I know that when I groomed her or bathed her, she appreciated it. I do think she was always missing her mom and now she is with her so I know she's happy. I hope I get messages about Zita and Ziggy - they are the two that I "worry" about most even though I know they are in God's hands.

Jan.

p.s. Here is that poem

On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

p.s. "needs must" - Necessity compels.

[Zita'sMom]

Hey Bubba

I invited Cher to the big party Oprah is sponsoring at my place - hope you can all come!

This is what she'll be singing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bTREzJL83A

(Sorry, link wasn't working earlier, but I fixed it.)

"Believe"

After love, after love [repeat]
No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
So sad that you're leaving
Takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're going to be the lonely one, Ohh Oh

[CHORUS:]
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,
Now
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,
Now

What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you
And I can't do that
There's no turning back
I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
'Cause I've had time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you Ohh Oh

[CHORUS]

But I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
Oh I don't need you anymore I don't need you anymore
No I don't need you anymore

[CHORUS repeat to fade]


hehehe

Here's a pic of my Angel Dog Merlin playing agility at 16 years of age - he is forever my strength, in my dreams and in my heart!

[Zita'sMom]

Good Morning my Pixie girl.

On our walks I can't help but keep checking for you to see where you are. Then I remember. There is snow here and that would have been so hard on your sore old bones. Now you can run and play again. I didn't see you wag your tail much for a long time. I hope your tail is wagging lots and lots now as you meet with your momma and play with your old friends.

Saying hello to all of my babies at Rainbow Bridge - don't forget me! I will be there with you one day without the burdens and the challenges of this physical world. Looking forward to that day! But for now I have my furbabies here to take care of. They need me too.

Sending all my love....

[Zita'sMom]

Emergency help please...

I went into x-h's work studio this morning and it was bare - not a thing there. This was a place where we taught classes together, had spiritual group meetings, meditated etc etc. I really broke down, then talked to a friend who said that that working out the conflicts with SD and problems with the house was just not worth it to him since he just didn't love me anymore.

Perspective, please! I'm going to the dark place in my mind right now that asks, what's wrong with me? That maybe I was too reactive under all the stresses, that I should have tried harder to be calm, that I should have done this, that, whatever.

Please help me stop my mind from reeling like this - I am feeling today like maybe I was / am just a rotten person.

Please help my friends!!

Jan.

[goliath]

Oh Jan. Take some deep breaths. Breath in through your nose and slowly exhale through your mouth. Take a hot bubblebath and pamper yourself a little bit.

You're grieving the death of your marriage. It's quite understandable that you would look within yourself and ask what you may have done wrong. No matter what you did or what more you could have done, there is no way you could salvage what was left all by yourself. Your husband walked out.......of course it hurt you very much. It IS about him and NOT you Jan. You have to believe that because it is true. If you had issues with your stepdaughter then the issues belonged between you and her. Your husband should never have taken sides period. I speak from experience because I also have a stepdaughter who is now grown and has a family of her own. When she was the age of your stepdaughter there were many times I wanted to put her in the toilet........head first.............flush. Girls especially get so much worse as they climb those teen years. They think they know everything!

One stepdaughter apparently wasn't enough of a challenge for me. Oh Lord........I will never forget taking my best girlfriend's daughter in when she was 13 years old. My girlfriend married a man who was abusive both physicaly as well as emotionally. Their home was so unstable and my girlfriend begged me to take Amy. Linda wanted Amy in a stable loving family........one she was not able to provide for her. My hubby and I agreed and off to court we went and became Amy's legal guardians. Oh boy!!!! What a handful that girl was. Her Mother continually tried to coach us on how to raise her and we finally had to say to her that we had to do it our way because now we were Amy's family unit. Without going into too long of a story, Amy lived with us until she graduated from highschool and by then my lifelong friendship with Linda had been destroyed. It was because of how much I loved Linda that we did what she asked us to do in taking Amy in. I was devastated and grieved for the loss of our friendship and still to this day think about Linda. She made some lousy choices in her life and her husband was just one of them. He carried on an affair that Linda knew about with a woman for over a year. He abused her children and her and was drunk most of the time. Linda never left John even though he caused her so much pain in her life. There was nothing wrong with Linda until he got ahold her and pounded away on her self-esteem changing her into somebody who couldn't think straight about anything. Eventually he destroyed the beautiful woman I loved so much who was my friend. Through the years Amy was with us Linda turned into a person I didn't know at all anymore. She had become a stranger oblivious to the life around her and failed to recognize those who truly loved her.

Your situation is not about you Jan. This is about your husband and what happens when grief is not resolved. I know it's hard not to have thoughts about what you could have done differently.........but in the end it wouldn't have made a difference even if you had. Your husband still would be carrying the grief he never dealt with after his first wife passed away. Unresolved grief comes out eventually whether we like it or not. Kept harbored, it can come out in a very ugly way. What your husband did was thoughtless and apparently he didn't recognize the great catch he got when he met and married you. Who wouldn't want a compassionate and deeply loving woman such as yourself? If he thinks for one second the grass is greener on the other side and that he won't run into problems with another woman he's quite mistaken. That little girl of his will bring chaos into any relationship he may choose to engage in. So you see Jan..........It really isn't about you. When you married him, his baggage came right along with him. Believe in yourself and allow the goodness and love in you to rise above the tormenting thoughts you are now having.

I hope some of what I said helped you Jan. You've been through more than your share of grief. Stay connected to those who really care about you and love you for just who you are. There is nothing wrong with you..........

Hugs of love,
Beth

[Flossie's Mom]

I know this has been a rough go for you and I am so sorry that it just seems to go on and on................

I have been there.......... and for long, long times sometimes. I really have no words of wisdom and cannot even remember most of how in the world I got through some of those very dark days.

I went through a couple of difficult marriages. Kids involved in both. Fight for custody of 3 the first time. Husband had tried to convince me that I was not able to support 3 kids with no education and WHO would want me anyhow? Second time I was the main support for a long time. Now child # 4 (5 including hubby who didn't stick to any job long & was beneath him to accept jobs offered because of low pay)... duhhhhhh NO PAY or low pay? My non education self knew that was a no brainer!!!!!!!!! So I worked 2 jobs 6 days a week & only one job on Sunday for about 3-4 years. AND looked after my 90 something year old Grandmother.... or did she look after me? She helped me a lot.

By this time 2nd hubby was about to quit another job (I knew the signs) and had wanted me to relocate again to another town. How do you sell a house that is in the middle of remodling.... had been for a couple of years.... take teenagers to a strange town away from all their friends so I now had 3 very confused teenagers who needed to visit Dad who had just remarried for 2nd time since me. This DEVISTATED my then 4 year old daughter.......... she cried for days. She was hysterical when we put them on the bus.

Teens then decided they wanted to live with him. Not something most Mothers would allow in that day and time. I was looked down on for allowing that but I maintained they had a right to know him as well as find out how he REALLY was rather than have the whole marriage breakup be my fault. I refused to speak badly of their Father in front of them regardless of our issues. New wife had 3 teenagers of her own raised in a foreign country. What was wrong with this picture? But far be it from me to again "stop him from having his children". My teens did not have an easy time of it and do not have the best of relationships with their Dad to this day. Oldest one tries but realizes he really hasn't changed much. He is however their Dad.

Oldest one about to graduate, second oldest was asked to move out about 2 months before the end of school year so I made arrangements for her to live with my Aunt who is in her 80's till I go for graduation & will pick her up.

I'm still holding out on moving and finally say NOPE... not going..... He worked several hours away and then sneaked into town, took my 5 year old & left me a note to not look for them. 10 days she was gone with him. And when she got back she told me "I didn't let him see me cry, Mommie" Big, big deal to him to not be a baby.

Third oldest came home to me, got involved in a car accident that put my best friends daughter into a 7 day coma and finally returned to his Dad because of all the uproar & blame in a small, small town. She remained my friend as she understood they could have taken her car as well as they took mine & the tables could have been turned. We used to joke that "Someday my ship would come in... but with my luck I'd be waiting at the airport"

Well, my ship DID come in eventually. I made some hard decisions to get myself out of where I was. Moved myself, 5 year old and 90+ year old Grandmother in order to take advantage of a program for women in my situation. Ended up with a good job within the program I enrolled in and began to rebuild again. Met a wonderful man within 5 months of that move even though I was NEVER getting married again. NO WAY, NO HOW. NOT INTERESTED. Didn't even want to go out, see anyone or meet anyone.

Third oldest coming home to visit for the summer but was told not to come back! Stay with your Mom. He did, approved of new man in my life and I asked his permission. His response was "I's about time you found someone good like him, Mom." Son walked me down the aisle.

That was over 31 years ago. Have had ups & downs of course with children involved (mine, he had none). He took in me, 2 kids, 2 dogs and a 90+ year old Grandmother. Much more than he bargained for many times I know. Been the best Father, husband and friend a person could ever hope for.

He adopted the 6 year old (who's Father never made an effort to see her again from age 5) who is now 37, was a super Dad to the 16 year old son and taught him how to be a good man, husband, Father as well as Grandfather in the short time he was with us before son joined the military. Made his career in the Navy and is now working as a civilian in Iraq. Entering year 2 there. He has a wonderful family and I attribute his success to my husband's influance.

Sorry this is so long, but I want you to know there is NO WAY you are a bad person. There is nothing wrong with YOU.... it's the other guy.............

I was where you are and my first husband put me there. My lawyer even told me to "think about this before the final papers go through, you won't have to work and your children will be with both Father & Mother". I am so glad that after 12+years I had the strength to get out of that situation. He was such a control freak and was suffocating me as well as my kids. My name was not even on the checking account all those years.

Your husband put you where you are now..... now it is up to you to get yourself out. You can do it. I know you can. I didn't tell my story for anything except to show you that you can do it!!!!!!!!! Don't let yourself tell you otherwise. You'll have down times, for days at a time sometimes but with the absolute love you have for animals I know you are a GOOD person.

Like me, WATCH OUT! WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!
I mean.... smile, you'll find true happiness again.

[Zita'sMom]

Beth

Everything you said in your note to me helps a great deal, especially what you said about wanting to flush SD's head down the toilet . You are right that the part about x-H taking sides has always been what's driven us apart as a family. I've never, never wanted this, but I felt like the intruder with SD from day one. Then I guess I became the intruder for x-H too because I wasn't like his previous wife.

What you dealt with for Amy sounds a bit like me and SD. x-H had no boundaries and I was constantly wanting to create order and limits (like no sassy or disrespectful talk to either of us, some kind of schedule or arrangement for chores and dishes etc). I wanted this for the good of SD, but of course it was met with resistance. x-H just saw it as conflict and I guess I became in his eyes the main problem. SD said that I "hated" her, which of course wasn't true, even though many times I didn't "like" her. Then I was so gutted by having lost Zita, and the loss of Ziggy made me feel disillusioned with the human race. Rosie has been failing for some time and we both knew that was next. All that grief, I guess I never stood a chance....

Someone also reminded me that "love" or "hate" is not about us, but about what's going on the person experiencing it.

Your words helped me a lot today. I want to thank you for sharing.

Jan.

So you see Jan..........It really isn't about you. When you married him, his baggage came right along with him. Believe in yourself and allow the goodness and love in you to rise above the tormenting thoughts you are now having.

I hope some of what I said helped you Jan. You've been through more than your share of grief. Stay connected to those who really care about you and love you for just who you are. There is nothing wrong with you..........

Hugs of love,
Beth

[Zita'sMom]

I know this has been a rough go for you and I am so sorry that it just seems to go on and on................

Sorry this is so long, but I want you to know there is NO WAY you are a bad person. There is nothing wrong with YOU...........

Wow, Flossie's Mom - you've been through a lot. I have been in relationships before but never married before x-H. I married him because I believed it would be until the end of our lives, and also so that for SD we would be an official "family". It makes me think I would not do that again, especially with kids involved. My furkids are quite enough to deal with. I did want to have a child with x-H, now I realize it is a blessing that didn't happen. So my furkids it is and hoping the fur angels are watching over me when they aren't too busy romping and playing.

Thanks. I had a bad day today, but at least I am grieving and it is getting released from my system, unlike x-H who is carrying on like nothing happened. Sometimes I feel really strong, then I have moments of total shock and disbelief, like today in x-H's studio. Back to listening to the "Cher" music again to pump myself up!

Thanks a bunch Flossie's Mom for your moral support!

Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

This is Rosie when she still played with a stick a couple of years ago. I loved her pixie, papillon style ears!!

thinking of you, my little Pixie!

Jan

[ann]

There's nothing WRONG with YOU at all Jan.. H has some very real issues to deal with. Sounds to me like he held on to you thinking all will be solved, but realized they were too deep for anyone to solve. As for the SD, blood is thicker than water. Some people think there is something wrong with me, 'cuz I've been with Dave for 8 yrs now. we are both well into our 40s. and mariage never came up. I'm perfectly content with him being my life partner. He has 4 kids from a 1st mariage. They all like me better than their Mom's new husband. (which erks her)..But..I can only stand back, watch, listen, give advice, but never ever tell them what to do. It is and never will be my place, and they will always come first in his life. And if something ever happened between us, to hell with the men, bring on the cats!!! A house full of happy feet....I don't think there is anywhere you can go from here but up, Jan. I think we have all been there at some point in our lives where we have loved and the feelings were not the same. I hope you and x-H can come to some sort of co existance and can have some kind of civil relationship and not part ways completely.. He married you, there has to be some kind of feelings..If not, get the cats... Your in my thoughts..And by the way, I printed that picture you posted of the cat clawing a heart on the tree and it's on my locker to see everyday. I just love it.. And Rosie-Pixie is a beautiful dog and that painting you did is great. Your very talented....Hugs.. Ann

[Zita'sMom]

I hope you and x-H can come to some sort of co existance and can have some kind of civil relationship and not part ways completely.. He married you, there has to be some kind of feelings..If not, get the cats... Your in my thoughts..And by the way, I printed that picture you posted of the cat clawing a heart on the tree and it's on my locker to see everyday. I just love it.. And Rosie-Pixie is a beautiful dog and that painting you did is great. Your very talented....Hugs.. Ann

Ann - hi.

I don't foresee a future civil relationship with x-H, because of the way he has done this. No talking, no working anything out, no concern about how I can manage here, and dumping his German Shepherd Ellie here to boot (I told him I'd take care of Ellie and he jumped on that without a thought). He's abandoned all of us, even SD indirectly. Oh sure, he says he'll do some work around here, but talk is cheap, and he said a lot of other things that I now realize were just appeasing me as he made his plans for the "big move" as erratic as those plans were. I really can't trust much of what he says. If he has any feelings left, they are buried deep within, but it's no longer my concern that he deal with his emotional wounds. On the "higher level" I wish him the best - mostly in the sense that he discovers what he truly needs to learn to be more harmonious with life. On the human level, I think he is an ***hole (pardon my french). He was a very good actor, said all the right things to keep me appeased. He has no backbone. Integrity is a pretty important trait to me, and he's shown none of that. I suppose better that it come out now in the marriage than living years and years of a lie. I guess the biggest shock to me is how I was under such an illusion of him as a caring, loving, devoted and strong man. Instead I've discovered he just says "yes" to appease, then does whatever he likes. I guess he and SD deserve each other. On one hand the stress of feeling constantly like the intruder is gone, but on the other, it's facing the shattered false illusion I had about the marriage - that is the tough part.

Right now I can't stand to hear a Christmas carol. I shut the radio off when they come on. I am on an acreage out of town where there are power outages and we get snowed in. I am stuck here right now because my car didn't have winter tires - his car was 4 wheel drive and we relied on it in these conditions. Yes, he is an ***hole. That's how I feel right now. But it is better for me to be angry than doubting myself and playing games with my own self-esteem. I do expect better from this in life, even if it means just being alone with my furkids. At least they are honest and they don't play head games or abandon me!

Better get out to get some firewood 'cause the snow ain't stopping! Just call me Ms. Grizzly Adams!

thanks for your thoughts Ann...

Jan.

[ann]

Hi Ms. Adams, Yeah, I know how you feel. I dated one of those spinless b***ards. I actually thought we could be civil and remain friends. I had no problem on my part. But him, forget about it!. I'll keep my inappropiate thoughts to myself for now. Anyways, shoveling snow wil seem a lot lighter than shoveling the s**t that's been thrown your way lately Keep the upbeat attitude. Who knows, someday he may wise up and realize what he lost. But it will be too late and this will be your revenge.
We're all on your side.. Take care.. Ann

[Zita'sMom]

Hi Ms. Adams, Yeah, I know how you feel. I dated one of those spinless b***ards. I actually thought we could be civil and remain friends. I had no problem on my part. But him, forget about it!. I'll keep my inappropiate thoughts to myself for now. Anyways, shoveling snow wil seem a lot lighter than shoveling the s**t that's been thrown your way lately Keep the upbeat attitude. Who knows, someday he may wise up and realize what he lost. But it will be too late and this will be your revenge.
We're all on your side.. Take care.. Ann

Hehe Ann - don't the profanities feel so empowering? (grin!) I am still waiting for Bubba with one of his penis jokes, come on Bubba where are you?

Yeah, his loss, right. I keep thinking of what Toonie said about my love finding a "new nest". Why be unappreciated when there is the opportunity of being appreciated and loved by others? I just feel tricked that H did such a good job of checking in with me all day - on the phone, in my office, making me coffee, doing little what I would have called "nurturing" things, all the while knowing he was about to make his big exit. I could never be so phony! When I am mad, I'm mad - I cannot pretend. I see pictures of him before we got married and I think that man couldn't possibly be the same person who is doing this now.... maybe I didn't know him, maybe something in him changed, well I just don't know.

With all the snow here I think of Rosie and I believe the timing for her euthanasia was right. She would have struggled terribly in this weather. My other dogs are hilarious as they bound through it, loving it to bits. Anyway, Rosie left at the right time in many ways. I know she sensed the tension and she was such a sensitive dog. I do think she is so much better off, and in lots of ways I am glad I didn't see her dead body this time. I have seen too many of my treasured pets this way over the last few years. So my last memory is of our walk together and telling her to say hi to all my other fur angels, telling her to be a good girl, giving her a kiss on the forehead.

Last night I was talking to a friend and I was angry the whole time about x-H, then I talked about what happened to Ziggy and I burst into tears. I am still so gutted that this happened to my sweet little girl, so loving and innocent. I do wonder if Ziggy's passing was a trigger for x-H to leave, but I think it would have happened anyway, if I showed any grief or sadness or what he considers "negative" emotion.

I have his German Shepherd Ellie right now. She is 12 years old and I can see she is getting quite stiff and having difficulty on the stairs. I know that I won't be able to manage her if she gets a lot worse. I feel very sad and torn about this too. On one hand 4 dogs, all with behaviour issues (except one) is an awful lot for one person. Ellie is the hardest because she won't let strangers into the house without my being there so if I ever wanted to go away I don't know who would be able to housesit (the others are okay once they know the person). She is a big pushy dog too. But she is also so faithful and loyal and it breaks my heart that I'm probably going to have to get x-H to take her at some point permanently. I don't want to have anything to do with x-H now so I would probably not see her again. My heart breaks...

I am also just trying to avoid Christmas completely. Being snowed in makes it pretty easy 'cause I can't go anywhere, but I did manage to get out today to buy some dog food. Good thing I'm not eating much so it makes shopping cheap and easy! And besides that the house looks like a hurricane struck so there is no end of cleaning and sorting of things to do. That should keep me busy through the holiday season.

At least I have good friends to talk to including you here...

Thanks Ann for "listening" and all who offer your feedback.

This is a difficult time of year for anyone to go through grief and loss.

Jan.

[ann]

Yep, I hear you. I'll find out tomorrow if I'm working Xmas day.I know I will be Xmas eve and that's fine with me. I voulenteered to work, I want to. I bumped into Dave's sister in law yesterday. They do Xmas at their house and asked what our plans were. After I told her I might be working I felt bad. In a strange way mostly for me, 'cuz I just don't want to be around people and celebrate this holiday. I just want it to go away. The whole year, and everything that went with it. Not as powerful as yours, but just enough that I wish I could go away some where alone and start my life all over again...Take care Jan, talk to you again soon.. Ann

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Hi Jan,

Yes, I'm glad, too, that your last memory of Rosie was a kinder and more peaceful one. Even though I normally advocate for people to be there with their loved one, in your case, not only was this probably best (that you weren't there, along with all the added tension that would have created in the room, surrounding her in her passing) but you certainly deserve such a blessing in disguise after everything else you've had to witness.

I do wonder if Ziggy's passing was a trigger for x-H to leave, but I think it would have happened anyway, if I showed any grief or sadness or what he considers "negative" emotion.

While I guess you can now count yourself in that large group of spouses whose marriages dissolve under the enormous pressure of grief and loss (we'll just ignore the fact that they don't 'count' fur-baby losses in the statistics), I think you're right about it not really mattering WHAT kinds of difficult emotions were present, nor what their basis was. The very fact that your ex couldn't handle known and common pressures that are a part of life here is answer enough. It could have been anything else, too. He obviously can't handle too much, or he'd still be there, fighting to keep his marriage alive, despite the obstacles of life. You're the stronger and wiser one, of that there's no doubt. So hold your head up high and believe in yourself!

Yes, that's a sticky situation with Ellie, to be sure. If it helps any, we never took any trips together when our kids were here. Technically, my H could have gone away somewhere and left the me at home, since I was the only one who knew what-all to do for our kids' conditions, but he only did so for a few bus. trips. So I was house-bound for many, many years. It wasn't easy all the time but I knew I'd never really regret my devotion, either, in the bigger picture. However, if the ex decides or agrees to take her back with him, there's still 'good' to see in that because of the trade-offs of being able to provide better and more manageably for the rest of your furkids. I can understand your consternation and sorrow over the whole sad situation, regardless of which way it pans out, though.

Don't fret about Xmas. It's not the end of the world if you don't conform to the Kodak picture of what it's 'supposed' to be. That's most often just wishful thinking anyhoo. It IS what it is for this year and doesn't necessarily mean any future Xmases will be as bad. I did virtually nothing for it after we lost Nissa (except for a little candlelight ceremony for the both of them), and I still do only the bare minimum so far because it's STILL hard and depressing, esp. with no family or good friends (esp. ones we'd CHOOSE to be with, willingly) to keep me/us company &/or accept my feelings about it. I'd still rather be alone than be stuck with people who make things MORE difficult for me, frankly. And many people ARE stuck with that, and DO make things difficult, so if you get to feeling rotten during the season, think about them in their dysfunctional families, getting mad at each other, building resentments and generally NOT having a great time as they try to make miracles out of no substance. Who needs that? May as well do something, anything, big or small, that YOU get some pleasure or solace out of, and to heck with the rest of the phony Norman Rockwell characters of the world. It'll be okay, even when it hurts. At least you won't have to hold that hurt inside in order to appear like you have it all 'together' for other people. Give yourself the gift of compassion - for YOURSELF!

And if you choose to go romping in the snow with your kidlets, GREAT! Live for those moments and forget the rest as best you can during such good times. Here's a video I just received that you can use for inspiration when you feel like it: Dog & Snow Fun! (I found Harry Connick Jr.'s music a bit annoying in this one, but you can always turn the sound off) I don't know WHAT country this was taken in, but the amount of snow as well as the joy this doggie shows is COPIOUS! Hope this cheers you up, even if only for a minute.

[Bubba]

Hey there Jan,Thought I would check in and,whew!!!!Lot's of responses here.You are going through absolute Hell.The first response to breatheeeeee.........is a good one.In your nose and out your mouth,slooooooo.........ly............Concerning the party,well...........I'll wear my finest in-competition-with-Cher headpiece and a splendid time will be had by all.

In time Jan...........One foot at a time..............Bubba..............

[goliath]

Hi Jan,

I just wanted to stop by and let you know I have been thinking about you and also have kept you in my prayers. You've made some great friends here Jan and we'll stay with you all the way through this horrible time of your life.

I really don't remember much about last years Holidays because I was still in a numb state, not really caring about anything at all..........including myself. If you choose to skip the Holidays this year, it is perfectly understandable. You have enough on your plate to sort out to last you for some time. Take each day one at a time. Once you've had a chance to work through this, and I know you will, you will truly realize that none of your husband's hasty actions are about you. Stay the sweet lovable self you are!

Hugs,
Beth

[Zita'sMom]

I just don't want to be around people and celebrate this holiday. I just want it to go away. The whole year, and everything that went with it. Not as powerful as yours, but just enough that I wish I could go away some where alone and start my life all over again...Take care Jan, talk to you again soon.. Ann

Hey Ann, well, maybe I'm the lucky one 'cause I have no choice but to start my life over again! Having a few difficult Christmases seems to make the season just get more and more difficult. Last Xmas was awful because my niece was in hospital with an undiagnosed disease, which affected her brain. She was like a 5 year old with Alzheimer's and many other symptoms. It's since been determined to be Lyme's disease and she's slowly getting better.

I guess at least x-H and x-SD don't have to fake being happy around me. I know I felt the tension for a long time, but I did think it was based on difficult cir%%stances.

take care Ann