My Heart Is Broken Options

[Casey's Mom]

Wow - yesterday was rough. I visited Casey's grave at my Mom's house and then cried for what seemed like hours when I got back home. And now back at work on Monday ... it's like I have two "1 week" events ... yesterday was the 1 week anniversary of Casey's passing and today is 1 week since we buried her. No one at my office can relate to what I'm going through ... they think of pets as a nuisance and trouble. I feel sorry for them that they aren't able to feel the unconditional love of a pet ... or just don't care to.

Dottie, Ann and moon_beam ... thanks for your support. The reason I think Casey may have had a stroke is due to her doctor. I spoke with her and described some unusual things that happened on Casey's last night, and she said that it sounded like Casey may have had a stroke and thrown a blood clot. She had a sudden burst of energy - like something startled her - when she was laying on my chest about 1/2 hour after we got home from the ER. She tried to run to the front door - she has NEVER doen that before - and then after that she was really weak until she passed. I know it could be any number of things ... just trying to make sense of it ... even though I know that I won't be able to make sense of it in my heart. Dottie - in answer to your questions, Casey has always been a healty cat until a few years ago. She was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, had radioactive iodine treatment, and then it was discovered that she had kidney problems and a heart murmur. The walls of her heart were thick and she was on atenolol for about 1 1/2 years. Once she had the bad reaction to too much sub-q fluids about 1 1/2 years ago, we stopped the atenolol per her cardiologist and as of her last sonogram 2 weeks ago, her heart was healthier than ever. The thickness had gone back to a normal level and her heart was beating strong. That good news came along with the bad news that her kidney levels were through the roof ... and that brings me here. I do know that she did not have HCM - her cardiologist confirmed that for me, and she was the only vet that I would take Casey to. She really saved Casey's life last year after the sub-Q incident. Anyhow - that's why that was in my head. I don't know what her kidney levels were at the time of her passing, but I do know that she hadn't eaten well in over a week and she was a little dehydrated. I was just afraid that she got too stressed out from hearing another cat in such a horrible state and that may have caused her to have the stroke, but I feel better knowing that that couldn't have caused it from what you all have said. Casey has always been so strong, and I know that once she showed me that she didn't feel well, she was most likely in bad shape. I know that cats are great hiders of discomfort.

Just trying to take it one hour at a time, one day at a time for now. Your support means the world to me ...

Lisa

[AngelCareOne]

Wow - yesterday was rough. I visited Casey's grave at my Mom's house and then cried for what seemed like hours when I got back home. And now back at work on Monday ... it's like I have two "1 week" events ... yesterday was the 1 week anniversary of Casey's passing and today is 1 week since we buried her. No one at my office can relate to what I'm going through ... they think of pets as a nuisance and trouble. I feel sorry for them that they aren't able to feel the unconditional love of a pet ... or just don't care to.

Dottie, Ann and moon_beam ... thanks for your support. The reason I think Casey may have had a stroke is due to her doctor. I spoke with her and described some unusual things that happened on Casey's last night, and she said that it sounded like Casey may have had a stroke and thrown a blood clot. She had a sudden burst of energy - like something startled her - when she was laying on my chest about 1/2 hour after we got home from the ER. She tried to run to the front door - she has NEVER doen that before - and then after that she was really weak until she passed. I know it could be any number of things ... just trying to make sense of it ... even though I know that I won't be able to make sense of it in my heart.

Dottie - in answer to your questions, Casey has always been a healty cat until a few years ago. She was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, had radioactive iodine treatment, and then it was discovered that she had kidney problems and a heart murmur. The walls of her heart were thick and she was on atenolol for about 1 1/2 years. Once she had the bad reaction to too much sub-q fluids about 1 1/2 years ago, we stopped the atenolol per her cardiologist and as of her last sonogram 2 weeks ago, her heart was healthier than ever. The thickness had gone back to a normal level and her heart was beating strong.

That good news came along with the bad news that her kidney levels were through the roof ... and that brings me here. I do know that she did not have HCM - her cardiologist confirmed that for me, and she was the only vet that I would take Casey to. She really saved Casey's life last year after the sub-Q incident. Anyhow - that's why that was in my head.

I don't know what her kidney levels were at the time of her passing, but I do know that she hadn't eaten well in over a week and she was a little dehydrated. I was just afraid that she got too stressed out from hearing another cat in such a horrible state and that may have caused her to have the stroke, but I feel better knowing that that couldn't have caused it from what you all have said. Casey has always been so strong, and I know that once she showed me that she didn't feel well, she was most likely in bad shape. I know that cats are great hiders of discomfort.

Just trying to take it one hour at a time, one day at a time for now. Your support means the world to me ...

Dear Sweet Lisa, I put everything you said into a few paragraphs because I always copy each post to a blank email and enlarge the text so these old eyes can see better. Also, I separate each thought when making the paragraphs as it's easier for me to study and analyze all you've shared regarding things like Casey's thyroid, heart mur mur, failing kidneys and so forth. I wanted to tell you that so you'll know that I didn't change a word you said nor made any "corrections" because you did just fine explaining. Thank you and I know you understand, Hon.

I'm going to go out on a limb again and please remember that this is my very educated opinion based upon all my many years of assisting and treating humans, doggies, kitties and other beautiful creatures. God love them all. So, remember what I'm going to say is an educated opinion based on all you've just shared and not necessarily fact. Okay? Okay.

Lisa, it doesn't sound in the least that Casey had any type of CVA (cerebral vascular accident) be it from a blood clot in her brain, an aneurysm, nothing neurological related at all. You said that she rallied a short while just before going to The Rainbow Bridge. I hope that translates. By rallying, I mean got more energetic from what you described. Hon, that never happens when one is in the process of experiencing any kind of CVA. Never. However, it many times happens especially in an older doggie with those failing kidneys. Now, that happens often. I could get very technical about why if you wish but won't do that at this point in time.

Also, Casey was very advanced in age and "things wear out" in the body ... All the organs as well as eyesight, hearing and so on. Lisa, I pray to God that I don't come across right now as having no feelings while explaining this to you because honest and for true I have tears in my eyes and streaming down my right cheek. I am so sorry! It's just that you come across to me as one who needs to make some kind of sense about what happened to Casey. Lisa, in elderly doggies that have two or more in combination of the health issues you've described, they are not suffering. They're not feeling pain but do feel very, very tired. I don't mean to sound anthropomorphic but they honest to gawd hang in there to make sure their Mommies and Daddies will be okay because they love, care and worry about them. All they want so badly to do is go gently into that goodnight having feelings of peace and knowledge that the ones they love so much will be okay. Now, that part is fact and not opinion.

Lisa, please grab a cool refreshing beverage before continuing because this is going to be a little long. From the very beginning of my nightmare starting 10/16/2007, I've shared bunches and bunches with my friend Debbie. Oh, she is so wise! I'm going to copy and paste three emails between Debbie and me that just took place yesterday. In fact, if you'd like to see them and don't mind giving me your email address via a Private Message, I'll forward them to you so you can read for yourself and know all I'm going to say is so including the date of yesterday. I'll just post the parts of the two emails which have to do with my loss and Debbie's newest fur baby beginning right now ...

"Hi Dottie!

That was so cute! I liked it when the chick was sliding down the dog and all lined up down his back. I noticed the cat pawed at something when the chicks were around and thought it was a chick, but it was a toy mouse! Pretty dog and cat too, don't you think?

Thanks for sharing.

I hope you're feeling better. Swing by CBS sometime!

Love,
Debbie"

*Note: Lisa, I had sent Debbie a really darling video of a precious Pit Bull doggie, mixed Siamese kitty and over half a dozen tiny baby chicks who had imprinted so believed the doggie and kitty were their mom and dad. Oh, I'll put the link here for you so you can enjoy too, Dear. It's one minute and 32 seconds and all an amazing "Moment of Ahhh!" Turn up volume and click here. Talk about imprinting gone awry. Awww! I hope that made you smile. Also CBS means Catbird Seat and is a lovely message board. And now here's my response email to Debbie's email above beginning now ...

"Hi Debbie,

I'm so glad you got a kick out of that video. Awww! So awesome, sweet and dear. If only all (humans) could get along like that, what a great place the world would be. You betcha.

Errr ... Since you asked, I'll tell you just a little but this ain't no "pity party" cuz you know how much I hate that. It's more of a Joe Friday on the old Dragnet TV series: "Just the facts, Ma'am." Heh. Sooo ...

I miss Alex so gosh awfully terribly fierce. My Friend, I haven't been able to eat or sleep but at least I keep busy and do put on my happy face, voice and appearance. I find that when I comfort others so grief stricken and devastated it helps me a whole bunch, too.

I write to Alex practically every day and sometimes twice a day giving him pictures and images he loved so much when he was alive. Oh, and the videos we watched together, too. Really very beautiful indeed! I've only made about 3 sad posts with images and songs (videos) to speak what I want so much to say but that's in the "Pet Loss Support" area of the board. In the Tribute area, I only give Alex the most wonderful. beautiful, songs, videos, pictures, images, poems and the like. I owe that to him, Debbie. I sure do.

And, I talk with him lots and lots, too. Mostly, I reassure him that "Mamma's doing just fine so don't you worry a bit, Sweet Baby Boy Alex." Oh, I do remember how upset and worried he would get whenever I was sad or very sick. He'd try to cheer me up in ways I'd love to share with you. Sooooo Sweet! Awww! But, there was always the, "Mama! Mama! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" He always used that phrase to express sympathy and, on occasion remorse. After repeating that a few times and even during saying it, Alex would cry ...

Debbie, I know wherever he is that he sees and hears me. So, I try my da*nedest to keep reassuring him that I'm fine and also keep telling him how very, very much I love him.

Well, that's enough for now. How's your new kitty doing? With your other fur babies yet? Getting along together or what? Spill it woman. Hehehe!

Hugs and Love You Oodles and Boodles,
Dottie

PS. I do visit The Catbird Seat practically every day to read and enjoy. Such a pleasure and thank you so much, Hon! More Hugs!!!"

Lisa, here's Debbie's most sincere, heartfelt, loving, compassionate and oh so wise response to me in email beginning now ...

"Hi Dottie *tight hugs*

I wish I could take away your pain. It is something that is necessary to heal a badly injured heart and soul and everyone faces it at sometime in their lives.

I miss my Mother, but it is a part of life.

If I had a child like your Alex, it would be extremely difficult to get through, and you'd go through the "only if" scenarios over and over again.

My kitties are like my children and I still grieve for each and every one of them that I've lost over the years. They are precious jewels that are so fragile and are only with us as long as a shooting star. We are lucky God gave us these little gifts of friendships/companionships to help us travel down life's highway.

It's ok to be sad and cry and miss Alex. It is good you are finding comfort in comforting others because we all need it at one time or another. Soon those that have accepted the loss, which is so damn irrefutable, and move on. We can't escape our memories, so we must pick at them like a scab until it no longer hurts as much.

I hope after a while you will find a peaceful acceptance and know we WILL see our beloved pets when it is our turn to cross that boundary of mysteries.

Take care,
Debbie"

Sweet Lisa, I hope and pray that my sharing Debbie's message to me has at least half the comforting and warm feelings for you regarding your Casey baby as it does for me and my Alex baby. And, Debbie explains all things great and small so very, very beautifully. It is truly The Circle of Life!

Tons of Hugs, Love, Peace and Many Angels to You and Fur Kid Girl Casey!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[Casey's Mom]

Thanks Dottie. I know that I just need to let it be and just concentrate on healing. I guess my mind just wants to try to make sense of this when my heart can't. I appreciate your evaluation of everything, though. I think I must have expressed myself wrong when I said that Casey had a burst of energy ... she just seemed startled and jumped off of me and ran for the front door. The "burst of energy" lasted for about 5 seconds ... so she didn't really rally at all. I'm just going to put to rest me trying to figure everything out ... if God meant for me to know everything that happened, then I would know. I have to trust Him to give me what i need, and shield me from what I don't need.

On a different note, I read about your precious Alex and I am so sorry for all that happened. Those monsters need to be punished and I pray that someone takes your case on a contingency basis. Have you thoguht about contacting the ASPCA in your area to discuss this? I know that thye prosecute animal abuse/cruelty, so maybe they could point you in the direction of some lawyers that specialize in this sort of case.

Some friends sent me flowers today to cheer me up. Very sweet. I'm just ready for the day to be over so that I can be alone with my thoughts. I'm still praying for a dream, a sign - something from my Casey. People are asking me if I'm going to get another cat ... I tell them that I absolutely will ... just not now. Now is not the right time, and only I will know when the right time is. For now, I just want to remember my sweet baby girl and cry when I need to ...

Lisa

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, it is quite understandable that you want to try to "make sense" of what happened to your beloved Casey. Each of us go through that. Our hearts are so filled with grief that it is hard for our minds to comprehend that our beloved cmpanions are really physically gone - - with the emphasis on "physically." This is all part of the normal grief process, Lisa. Hopefully with the information that Dottie has shared you have a better "technical" understanding of what may have / not happened with Casey just prior to her passing. There is nothing you could have done differently - - you did everything you knew how to do and more. As Dottie compassionately says, there comes a time when the physical body just can't deal with age and organ failure - - in Casey's case kidney failure. Unfortunately our beloved companions' lives are shorter than ours, their bodies are smaller than ours - - which means that their ability to endure physical illness over a prolonged period of time is shorter than ours. We never ever ever have enough time with our beloved companions on this side of eternity, for we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more lifetime with them. What we do have is their indelibly etched sweet living Spirit in our hearts and our memories to carry us through the physical separation until it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. The adjustment to this physical separation is our healing journey from our grief of losing their physical presence, which is never an easy journey regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. This healing journey has many unpredictable ups and downs and twists and turns and highs and lows. Just when we think we have moved beyond the worst part, something can come along which brings us to our knees making us feel as though the loss of our beloved companion has just happened. Hopefully as time progresses these experiences will be less and the many blessed memories you have of Casey will become more dominant and you'll find yourself smiling when you think of her instead of painful grief. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Lisa. You are not alone in your healing journey. And please know you are close in thought and prayer.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Ken Albin]

Lisa,

I can tell from your posts how much you miss Casey. Yes, being scattered and confused seems to be a normal part of the grieving process for most people. When I lost a treasured furkid I always went through periods of depression and scattered thoughts that just wouldn't come together. It's ok to feel confusion and pain. It says a lot about how much you love Casey.

I love the photos of Casey. They are truly beautiful.

Take care,
Ken Albin

[Casey's Mom]

Rough day today. I'm on the verge of tears at my desk and don't have the opportunity to take a break. Please pray for me ... I thought about Casey's last night all the way to work and can't shake the sadness. If i can just make it to noon maybe I'll be able to find a quiet place for a few minutes ...

[AngelCareOne]

Hi Lisa! Just a quick note for now and I promise, promise, promise that I'll be back. I did read your response in post #22 and the others which followed. Please forgive me for taking so long getting back to you. I just want you to know I did read and comprehend all you said and will get back as soon as I possibly can. God Bless You, Hon!!!

For now, please know that you and Casey are in my thoughts, prayers and I'm winging many Loving Angels to guide and comfort you as well as give you the strength, answers and peace you so desperately need at this time.

I will be back, Lisa. Tons of Healing, Comforting Hugs and Love!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[AngelCareOne]

Hi again, Lisa. I'm sorry it took me so long. Please let me share some very informative and truly healing information. First of all, in the "Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles" area here at LS there's a terrific thread with several links and I even printed out two of the articles written by authorities who not only know all about our pain and grief but have been through it themselves. The thread is titled "Your Fur Child Loss Devastation - You Are Not Going Insane" and I chose the illustrations myself. Please do read both that I posted as well as the links.

The second article contains case histories of actual people, what happened, how they felt and what they did to cope. That's the one I really feel would benefit you, Hon. Still, that first article is way important, too. It validates everything you're feeling and experiencing, you are justified and not alone. I was so relieved when I found that one to read because I honest to gosh thought I was going out of my mind and becoming insane. But no. Please read it. Read them both. Okay? Here, I'll give you the direct link to that thread in that area of the board so you can click it will take you there directly instead of you needing to hunt for it. Please click here: The Emotions of Pet Loss.

Next, there's something that I and many, many others find very comforting and it brings us closer to our fur babies as well as giving both us and our fur kids peace. It's a virtual "Light a Candle" online. It's free and you can light as many candles as you want and as often as you desire. The post about it is also in the same area here at LS and I'll put a link here for you to click taking you directly there. Okay? Please click here: "Light a Candle." Lisa, it's a very lovely and loving experience, honest and for true. That post isn't long at all but says so much! I believe you'll go there very often indeed!

Winging Many Loving Angels to You for Comfort, Guidance, Strength, Hope and Peace!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxo

[Casey's Mom]

Thanks again Dottie. I did go just now and light a candle and have the mini-candle opne on my computer to watch for the next 2 days. I've also printed out your post to read tonight when I get home. i appreciate more than I can tell you the support and kindness you've shown me since I joined this board. Everyone has been very kind and helpful ... I feel like I'm asking so much to just be able to have people listen to what I'm going through. My family and friends are very supportive ... but they are not going through the same thing that I am or expeiencing the loss of a beloved pet right now ... people here are and it makes me feel connected to know that others can relate.I hope that I am able to offer some level of help and comfort to others on this site at some point. Just trying to get through one hour ... one day at a time for now and praying a lot.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, oh how well I know what it is like to be "trapped" at your desk when those overwhelming grief emotions swell - - they just about take your breath away at the same time. In the beginning it is sometimes a minute at a time process to get through - - my heart goes out to you, Lisa. I hope you will have a peaceful evening tonight --.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[oldanteeks]

Hi Lisa,


I know just what you are going through. As my Mom said to me...It's not something you get over , it's something you get through because you have to and there is no choice. It's been a little over two weeks since I lost Gracie and I lose it every day at some point. Sometimes I just go into the bathroom and sob and I would like to say it makes me feel better but it doesn't really. You can't end the pain but I know eventually we will be able to deal with it better. It's nice to have loving friends and family but we still have to go through this and everyone here understands . We all cry together....hope you feel a little better soon. You and Casey are in my thoughts....Barbara

[Casey's Mom]

Seem to be doing a little better today - i.e., I haven't broken down yet. I'm just so completely emotionally drained all the time now. I just try to keep remembering how lucky I am that I had Casey in my life for as long as I did, and how glad I am that I had the chance to tell her everything that I wanted to tell her on her last night. I'm upset because I can't quite remember the last time that I looked into her eyes that night/morning before she passed away. She seemed more comfortable lying next to me than on my chest and it seemed easier for her to breathe that way and I just wanted to do everything that I could to make her comfortable every minute. I truly never thoguth she would pass away until just a few hours before she did. I just have a perpetual feeling of sadness that hangs over me and is now my companion. I love my sweet baby girl with all my heart and can't wait for the day that she greets me in Heaven.

Thanks for all of your support and kind wishes. I know that so many of you responding to my posts have just suffered recent losses too. Please know that I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers as well as you keeping me in yours. It really does help to just share my feeleings with you all every day and feel your support.

Take care,
Lisa

[AngelCareOne]

{{{{{Lisa}}}}} Hang in there, Hon. You're doing pretty well at this time. Your "being able to breath" (as I put it) may continue to get better and better. And those sweet memories will most likely become more tangible and vivid putting a smile on your face and perhaps you'll sigh with feelings of gradual acceptance of all that happened.

Please, don't be discouraged should many of those painful, terrible thoughts and feelings flood back because that's kind of how it goes. At least for me. I go from being pretty okay to crying hysterically back to enjoying many memories of all the wonderful, funny and dear times that Alex and I shared. Then, it goes back and forth again and again. But! Each time those gosh awful feelings and tears become less and less intense and far more easier to bear. Lisa, I pray it's the same for you and even takes far less time. Still, do take your time. Take all the time in the world, Dear One. Blessings!

Tons of Healing Hugs and Many Loving Angels wing to you for Peace and Acceptance ... Knowing ... Yes! Knowing that you and your most precious Casey will indeed be Reunited for all of Eternity on that "One Sweet Day!"

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, be thankful for the "calm" moments, and eventually they will be more frequent. Those last moments with our beloved companions are very precious ones. Have you thought of doing a special memorial for Casey - - like a scrapbook or a garden or a donation in her memory, etc.? When each of my companions have gone home to the angels I have done memorial scrapbooks and a booklet that I made specifically for the vets and interested friends. The booklet has pictures and poems, etc., and the vets really appreciated receiving them. I found doing this was very healing for me and helped me to stay focused on their lives during our journey together on this side of eternity - - which is a preview of what our lives will be like when it is my appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. Please know you are in my thoughs and prayers, Lisa. May you have a peaceful evening tonight.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LoveThem]

I just read about Casey. I am so sorry it was her time. My Little Guy (the last of 3 siblings)..I lost in Sept of 07. He was 16 1/2 years old. He was born in 1991 in my back yard so I raised him from a teeny tiny kitten. He weighed 16 pounds his whole life. He is lying on the bed in my avatar.
I miss him like you miss Casey.

You mentioned about vacuuming and at that post said you hadn't. I did take fur from all 3 of mine from their hairbrushes and put it in separate ziplock bags (air tight), along with a note whose fur it is and a favorite toy. My boy's twin brother, Keeper passed in 2002 and I marvel that today in 2008, the fur in that bag is as soft as if it was still on him. Sometimes when I need to have a physical touch...I touch their fur...something that actual was a part of them. That helps me. Also I have put pictures in every room so I feel like my boy and his siblings are greeting me coming and going. My Little Guy is my computer wallpaper so looking into his eyes when I turn on my computer and saying goodnight when I turn it off..is still part of my every day.

I know one Mom here had a great saying: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. That helps me a lot to think about. I know I would never trade any of those 16 1/2 years of having him...to avoid the devastating loss when the time comes..as it always does. But my memories and pictures help me remember the happy, healthy days and I know I was truly his world as he was such a part of mine.

Write here your thoughts and feelings. Do whatever makes you feel better to do. You are never alone here. We all share the same pain. That's why we understand what others go through and if it helps to know how we cope...then that thought helps us also.

Take care...I truly understand missing such a sweetheart and the wish that is always there....that it would have lasted many more years. It truly is never long enough.

Hugs
Judy

[Casey's Mom]

You guys are truly the best. Judy - that one sentence that you relayed to me about the pain of losing her will never be as great as the joy of knowing her is so very true! I wouldn't give anything for having had Casey in my life - I feel truly blessed to have had her give me her unconditional love. I think that she chose me that day in the animal shelter. O did snip a little of her fur ont he day that she died and I have it in a ziploc bag in the safe. I'm definitely going to make a memory box for her with a picture and her paw print. After she passed, the ER hospital was kind enough to let me bring her up there to make her paw print in clay because the clay I had at home wasn't working. I bought a shadow box the other day, and just want to wait for the right time for me to assemble everything. I know that I need to try to get back to doing normal things, but I feel like I'm wiping away her presence in my house. I don't know when I'll be able to store her beds (she had 4 that she picked from each day!) because I feel that it is disloyal. I will keep them and have them for my next kitten when the time is right, but for now I have to keep them in their place in my living room.

I've only broken down once today and I was totally caught by surprise. I was at home - luckily - and was able to just get it out of my system for the moment. I'm still not sleeping well ... I fall asleep on the couch every night, then wake up a few hours later and go to bed, then can't go to sleep right away. Still praying for a visit from Casey in a dream or a sign from her while I'm awake. I know they will come in time. I think my head and heart are too full of the sadness right now to manage any other train of thought. I know that it will become easier to get through the day eventually ... just waiting for that day. Right now, the sorrow keeps her close in my mind - does that make sense? I know that the sadness will be replaced with happy memories, but my human brain and heart are still so very lonely and the feeling of emptiness is still so strong. I still talk to her every day and tell her good morning and good ngiht ... I don't know any other way to start and end my day besides praying. Maybe she still hears me ...

Lisa

[LoveThem]

Lisa

Just remember...whatever makes you feel better to do...that is the thing to do at that moment.

I can understand the loneliness, the restlessness, all too well. I had that all the time until I finally got myself a shelter cat (who happens to look like my boy...well I WAS looking for that too).

I have read here where many people do have dreams of their babies or hear them. I don't know why but I have never had that experience. So some do have it and some do not have it and I am sure everything is still normal whatever happens.

I'm glad you have the fur and I can understand not wanting to move anything...that is what makes you feel better now and so that is what to do. (I mean, not moving anything).

Your memorial sounds beautiful. Yes, I believe Casey hears you and my Little Guy hears me.
They can't help it as they are a part of our hearts and being there...can never leave us. They are bonded to us forever. When I look into my boy's eyes in a picture.....I feel as if he is looking back through his spirit and that his spirit surrounds me all the time..and is a forever thing just like love is.

It is truly heartbreaking and yes, we will miss them forever and there be days the pain of missing them will hit us hard and so we cry. But again, we both agreed.....having them, and knowing them....is worth the pain..as hard as it is.

We then have to remember the good healthy happy years and smile at that memory for that is the one they would want us to think about.

All we can do is take it all one day at a time and do the best we can and hold onto the beautiful memories that will always be so much a part of our lives.

Hugs...and keep writing your thoughts and feelings..and even a note here to Casey if you feel like it (I do that in my Little Guy's topic). Talking to her everyday sounds beautiful..I do that each time I pass my boy's pictures. When the pain was its most intense at the beginning...I would try to pretend he was in another room and when I called his name...he would always appear..but then knowing he really wasn't coming...I stopped that as I found his not coming made me more depressed.

So we try anything that we hope makes us feel better and whatever works..keep on doing.

Take care and know you are not alone in your feelings and your pain. We all share the same pain of missing our best friends.

Judy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, my ISP was down last night so I wasn't able to do anything I wanted to do - - like logging on to see how you were doing. Your memorial "Shadow Box" sounds so very special. Just take your time - - you will do it when it feels right to you. Unfortunately cleaning is eventually a necessity -- but you will NEVER erase the memory of your precious Casey from your heart or home. You shared your home with her, and her presence will always be with you in some form or fashion - - even when you embrace the companionship of another precious furbaby. You can tell your new companion all about Casey, too - - eventually - - for your new furbaby will feel Casey's sweet living Spirit there with you. And yes -- Lisa - - she hears you and is listening as intently to you as she always has. Don't be surprised if one day you hear her precious purr or feel her rubbing against your legs. If or when you do, you will know the deep sorrow in your heart is lifting enough so that you will know Casey is still with you. This healing journey is a one day at a time journey, Lisa - - it's going to be awhile before the heavy emptiness and restlessness and grief emotions will ease. So please remember we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisa, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Casey's Mom]

It's been 2 weeks now since I lost Casey ... I have good days and not so good days. I'm trying to start making her shadow box memorial, but I want it to be perfect and I'm afraid I'll mess it up ... so I'm going slowly. Once I finally get it all put together I'll post a picture.

I finally vaccuumed a couple of days ago, and it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. Sunday was hard. I went to church on Sunday morning and tried as hard as I could to be back home by 11:30 (the time that Casey passed) and I didn't make it. That was hard. I just wanted to be there at that time to remember her. I moved one of her beds to an out of the way spot still in the same room (one that she really didn't lay in too much), so I guess that's a start.

I still am sad every time I come home and she's not there, and still sad every morning when I wake up and she's not there to be with me in the mornings before work. I know that I'll eventually be able to bring another furbaby into my life, and I will absolutely tell her all about Casey. I never realized just how quiet it was in my house until I was the only living soul there. Still not sleeping well at night ...

Thank you all for your caring, kind words. Please continue to keep me in your prayers.

Lisa

[ann]

Hi Lisa, Yes you will remain in our prayers. It's only been 2 weeks, it's so hard at first. I stopped counting the weeks, now it's the months. I am feeling better and moving on, yet I still cry and miss him so much. It will ease with time. To me it was like a painted line, if we stay put, we hold on to them, love them, never forgettng anything about them, and then it's fear that if we step over that line it means we are moving on, letting go, stop loving, stop remembering. That doesn't happen we never forget, or love them, we're accepting that they are gone from our life(for now) It takes a long time to accept this, but we have to, and we will..I most certainly understand your pain and struggle..Hugs..Ann