I Can't Believe This Is Happening..., Is this really my life? Options

[oliver's mama]

Hi Sarah [oliver's mama] I do owe three new Cats now since not to long ago from an old old next door neighbor of mine almost 90 y/o who went to live in a home and one of them is named El Niño he has a dark spot on one of his eyes just like Oliver's they are adorable and sweet and here they are so you can see them, the top is named Weena the middle one El Niño and the bottom one is Miss Kitty, God Bless, Jorge

OOOOO, such pretty kitties! You too have a billicat, yay! (Although I could really say just about any club for any color cat!) El Nino (don't know how to do the tilde), sounds like a fabulous ornery soul! And a calico kitty with a diamond nose marking and a fluffy white kitty? You must be keeping busy! Hope you are holding up well since Buster's passing. I followed your story and know it was quite a long journey. Take care,

Sarah

[oliver's mama]

All of these posts with black and white kitties have made me miss my best dressed cat. I just wanted to share some more of him with everyone. How I wish he was still here.

I still miss and love you so much Oliver. You are forever a part of me.

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[goliath]

Your pics of Oliver are fabulous and I find the one of him laid out on the newspaper hillarious!

Though the missing never ends Sarah, it's wonderful when the happier memories surface as we resolve the deep pain and grief. Grasping onto this kind of happiness and giving thanks for it is the gift of love Oliver left you when he passed into God's loving hands.

I have been blessed so much during my life and my Goliath was and still is the greatest gift of all. I suspect Oliver is and was yours as well. Keep on spreading the joy and love you have in your heart. Letting go of the agony opens yet another door to growing in spiritualality. There is a promise of a plan for each and every one of us.

Hugs to you from my heart,
Beth

[oliver's mama]

Your pics of Oliver are fabulous and I find the one of him laid out on the newspaper hillarious!

Though the missing never ends Sarah, it's wonderful when the happier memories surface as we resolve the deep pain and grief. Grasping onto this kind of happiness and giving thanks for it is the gift of love Oliver left you when he passed into God's loving hands.

I have been blessed so much during my life and my Goliath was and still is the greatest gift of all. I suspect Oliver is and was yours as well. Keep on spreading the joy and love you have in your heart. Letting go of the agony opens yet another door to growing in spiritualality. There is a promise of a plan for each and every one of us.

Hugs to you from my heart,
Beth

Thanks Beth, the one of him on the newspaper is the one I have hanging up at work along with a couple of others. I work in a lab and sometimes when I am setting up one of my runs, I just find myself staring at it. It's still so easy to smell and feel his cheek fur. I hope that never goes away. He was one of the most wonderful gifts from God I have ever received. It was arranged that he would be mine from some mutual friend of a friend after he was weaned. I had just gotten dumped by someone completely unmemorable and happened to be driving by her house at like midnight and saw her walking into her house so I stopped by. I took him home that night and we belonged to each other ever since. This was the first summer I didn't get to see that sprawled out body in the middle of my living room. I bet the words, "I miss scratching my cat's armpits" haven't been spoken often, but I really do. I hope someday I can adopt your loving disposition. I am better than before, but I think that the missing part will burn all the days of my life.

Hi Sarah

I understand just how you feel. Your baby knows how much you miss him. I believe they are still with us. They just have taken a different form for now. Sometimes still at night before I go to sleep, I get in bed and hold a picture of Rassy cat in my hands and just stare. Somehow, it eases the pain of missing a bit.

The love we feel for them is always with us....and the love they feel for us never dies....Love is forever.....

Joanne

Hi Joanne,

I am sure he knows. I keep thinking that he is a part of me now and when I am gone, I will be able to see him once again, only never to be parted. You know, it's funny the things that happen at the time that seem minor somehow burn themselves into your brain. That night I woke up and he was staring at me, I know in my bones that he was loving me. His face just radiated it. The event triggered something in me, because I took note of it but it was only a month or so before he died. My mom is convinced he was expressing gratitude and taking it all in as much as he could. There's a video on youtube by Radiohead called the Pyramid Song (WARNING, it is NOT to be listened to during a rough patch. The song is about dying and can cause uncontrollable crying jags when there are otherwise none.) The lyrics say, "we all went to heaven in a little row boat, there was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt" and I just see myself rowing a boat full of cats with Rasta at the helm, ,but at the end of the video, several souls are reunited and it is so lovely, I often wonder if that is what it would look like. I certainly hope so.

I hope you are hanging in there with Lily, Mario and Charlie. The up/down cycle is extremely exhausting. Thankfully, my cats for the most part are little hoovers and will eat anything. I will PM you shortly.

My background is in chemistry and one of the few theories that go unquestioned is energy only transfers, it can't be created or destroyed. Therefore, I am sure it is forever. The first law of thermodynamics supports it.

Man, I love this face.

Sarah

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[sissycat]

Love all your pictures. I too especially enjoy the one on the newspaper. The row boat thing made me laugh. I need to be in there helping ya row too!!!!!! lol

If ya have any more pics post em.

The last picture of the close up reminds me so much of the close up of my Sissycat.

Hugs to YOu!!!

[suzanne5]

That is so horrible, I am so sorry. But I must tell you that you are not alone. I am in the deepest of grief over my Brutus that I had to put to sleep 3 days ago. Hardest decision of my life. I don't know which is worse here,,,,,,,,,,me having to watch Brutus deteriorate over 6 weeks, having to shove pills down his throat 2x per day and just having this deep feeling that he is dying and I'm watching it happen. Or is it worse to have your baby taken suddenly and quickly without notice,,,,,,,,,I'm really not sure. I don't think either of us had real time to deal. I had a feeling he didn't have long, and I was willing to do anything to keep him alive, but not when his quality of life got so poor that he couldn't even eat on his own and couldn't breathe well.
Atleast you didn't have to make that fateful decision of putting your beloved pet to sleep of your own choice. This will haunt me the rest of my life. Although I feel I did the right thing because he was old and the suffering was starting, I still question myself. I wish he had just died in his sleep one night and I wouldn't have had to bring him to the vet and be with him while they gave him a lethal injection of my choosing. But I couldn't bare to have him at home just withering and wasting away either, I wanted him to die with dignity.
I think we all seem to look back and have guilt about things, like what could I have done that maybe he would still be alive today? But we have to get it through our heads that this is the life cycle of a pet. If we get 10-15 years with them, we are lucky. I got 16, and for that I should be thankful. We do our best with the decisions we make. We are human and we love them and they know we did our best for them no matter what.
I feel as desolate as you. I don't even want to come home, because its so empty. I dont have any other pets, it was me and Brutus against the world. Now i have nothing. You should love on your other pets and let them know how much you love them, because they too will be gone one day, with the short lives our furbabies are dealt.
I will get another cat someday, because the void I feel is horrendous. But I"m not ready yet.
Hang in there, and like I'm trying to do, think of the good times and appreciate the fact that you got to be his mom.

I can't even believe that I have to type this out. I lost my Oliver on Tues. (May 6, 2008) and I think I have died too. Friday he was fine and Tues. morning he was gone. I noticed some small brown crust that kept forming on his lip but I just got his teeth cleaned on March 31 and he seemed otherwise fine for a 12 year old cat. Vet says maybe bone cancer, definitely anemic and in renal and liver failure this weekend, but it was just so quick. I feel like I got robbed, WE got robbed. I miss him sooooo much, it feels like my chest has been spooned out with a giant melon baller and my arms physically ache to hold him. Sat. he was kind of hiding and walking just a little bit weird. I called the hospital and they said if he isn't in pain, try to hold off till Mon. since the bill would be astronomical. I got the carrier out just in case and Sun. at noon he crawled in it and howled twice. We were out the door right then. I visited him that night at the hospital for an hour and he seemed himself (nurse saw him laying with his legs out like sticks like he always did and said he was doing it out of his cage, even with his little IV) and I transferred him to the vet on Mon. morning (behind an ambulance, coincidentally.) They said he was blocked, put him under to insert a catherter and he never really recovered after that. I took him home that night to be with me just in case and tended to him all night, and he made it through. That next morning I just laid there face to face with him and told be how much I loved him and begged him to fight while he purred real faintly. He died pretty much right after I took him back to the vet's on Tues. morning and the crematory got him before I even got to say goodbye. I cry all the time, I think of all the things that he won't do anymore, no more treats or people food stalking, no more laying sprawled out on his back in the summer or laying on his belly with stick legs or head butts or putting a paw on me when we sat next to each other, the list goes on. I am drowning in utter despair. People say that he wouldn't want this, well I don't want him gone either so that makes two of us. When I don't cry, I lay there is silent horror at what has become my life. I can't eat, I wake up and cry throughout the night and sometimes I honestly think this has to be a huge nightmare because there's no way he could even possibly be gone. I have three others all the same age but I can barely stand to be at home right now, there is still evidence everywhere of our last night together that I can't bear to clean up so I sleep at friend/family houses. He was my first and loved me dearly. A few weeks ago we were sleeping (he slept with his head on my pillow next to me) and I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening. It really is horrendous.

[LoveThem]

That picture of your baby on that newspaper with "arms" outstretched is priceless. I think if that was my desktop wallpaper I could smile each time I saw it. It makes one want to just reach down and pick him up and hug him so much!.

Thank goodness for pictures. They sustain us and help us really remember the happy healthy times that we are so very thankful that we had.

You said in an earlier post: I still miss and love you so much Oliver. You are forever a part of me.

So many of us are standing in the same pair of shoes as far as missing and loving them.

Your last sentence is the powerful one. Yes he is forever a part of you and that's why now he can never be taken away from you. He is such a part of your heart and your whole being that there can be no more separation. The physical has been taken but nothing can take away any part of the soul and spirit that was Oliver. He is yours forever and you are his special Mom.

Hugs to you and that special Angel, Oliver. He is watching over you and you can still feel his love in your heart..that is a permanent part of you.


Judy

[oliver's mama]

mama's rasta,

it's been 6 months today since you left. i just wanted to tell you that i miss you every single day, and will for the rest of my life. i found everybody's stockings that i made when you were all kittens. your's and pumpkin's will be hung now and every christmas. i love you both very much and hope that you are happy until our reunion.

mama

[sissycat]

I just wanted to say hello. Been a while since I have posted to you. Still think of you often.

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LoveThem]

Thank you for your recent kind words. We truly do miss them so very much..after all, they are part of our hearts and always will be.

Take care...and I hope to see you back again soon....as you said.

Judy

[Pax's Mom]

Sarah,

You have my deepest heartfelt sympathies, understanding and happiness. I hope I can convey what is in my heart. I see something in Oliver that I see in my boo and that is affirmed through your writings of him. Tikkanen's signature reads "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened". I truly believe this, as my Pax has done this for me, awakened something at my very core, and it seems that Oliver has done this for you also. Others here have mentioned how their connection is that of a soul mate or as Jon730 refers to, "a Cat Wife" (which to me is the same as soul mate). I believe this for you and Oliver as I too share this connection with my beloved Pax. It is as if he has crawled into your earth suit with you and the awakening is oneness. For me this has been on a level I have never experienced with any other living creature. It was/is truly spectacular. This is something you do not get over and you're not supposed to, it's a gift.

When our significant other has to leave us it is devastating but we do get through, although it be quite a bumpy ride . It has almost been 5 months for me and like you and many here, a day does not go by that I do not think of my boy.

Pax grew up with his half sister (Tatia) but they were never close. They were much like two people who have nothing in common. My vet said he bonded to me and my girl bonded to food . Pax didn't behave like a typical cat, much like Oliver, he had a bit of something else going on but I kinda think all cats do, some more so than others.

On the eve of Pax's transition I like you did not want to be in my apartment. I really wanted nothing to do with my other "cat". The next day I realized that it was not fair to take love away from Tatia just because Pax was not around. I proceeded to tell her, as I have done before and as I had done with Pax, how much I love her because if it's one thing Pax taught me it's love.

Tatia is not Pax and never will be, no one will be because Pax is Pax, as Oliver is...well, Oliver. That can not be erased, changed or ignored because of our merging with their souls. But Tatia is special and she is trying to help me heal much like your kids are trying to help you heal. Let the love that Oliver has awakened in you be, as it will not change Oliver nor your connection to him. I can not stress any of this enough.

You, Sarah are a very dear soul and I feel as if I know you, and Oliver, well, when I say his name it makes me smile. I am so happy for you that you were able to partake in Oliver's journey and receive the gifts that he has bestowed upon you. I often use the term magical when referring to my bond with Pax and yeah, I feel that for you and Oliver.

One way that I have found to honor my bond with my boo is a locket. I found a place (picturesongold), online that has 14K gold lockets with a paw print etched on the front (see above picture). The paw etching looks much better in person. You send them a photo and they laser etch the image (color or black & white), on the inside of the locket. The etching is "exactly" as your photo and is water resistant (I never take mine off). The image I have of Pax is my avatar, it was a picture taken a half hour before his transition. I also found a place that sells very attractive cremation jewelry (keepsake jewelry), since you have Oliver's ashes that you may be interested in.

Keep your heart open it is what Oliver has helped you to do. I believe we will see our loved ones again, and depending on what you believe you may see them again in this lifetime. I wish much love and peace on the rest of journey.

cheryl, pax & tatia

[goliath]

Sarah,

You have said such beautiful words to your sweet baby. Thank you so much for touching LS with such warm and tender love from your heart. The missing never stops, but the everlasting loves goes on.

May you always carry the love that lives within you today and for all eternity.

Love and hugs,
Beth