Am I Getting Better? Options

[Saki & Freyj...]

Well, I guess I should get used to posting out here instead of the old forum. I'd never posted anywhere in my life until this. I use the computer a lot. I guess I just never needed solace like I do now...

I guess new people will find this place, so I will tell my story again. I think it helps to tell it.

We got Freyja, a beautiful, loving, joyous American Eskimo pup in December 1988. She was our puppy for about 12 years, ~2000, I guess, and then suddenly she was our "old dog..." We still loved her with all our hearts. She was such a good dog. She loved everyone and everything. Then, she got diagnosed with Cushing's (pituitary cancer). We opted not to do chemo (lysodren) but to do anipryl instead. She lived a couple years with it, and the anipryl seemed to help. She became increasing arthritic during those last couple of years though...
The last few months, she couldn't do stairs, so we'd carry her outside and set her down to do her business....
Then, Memorial Day weekend, something happened. I dunno what. I don't know if she had a stroke, or it the tumor was pressing on something or what. But she couldn't get up. She couldn't stand. She could move her head and eat and drink, but... When we tried to hold her up, help her stand, her legs would curl under, palsey-like. That was on Monday 5/26/03.

So we called the vet Tuesday 5/27/03. We called a vet that would come to your house. We made the appt at my parents house bc Freyja loved going there. She had a doggy door there, and my parents doted on her. Big back yard with squirrels to bark at... She loved it there.

And Wednesday, 5/28/03, the vet came over and... yes, it was the most horrible thing ever. She went with us holding her and loving her and all, but it was the most horrible thing ever. We buried her in their backyard, with a fan bc she hated the heat, and some pig ears -- her favorite treat and her tags, and brush....

The next day my grandma died, which is another story.

Then my most special cat got sick. She was a 12 year old Siamese and I love her more than anything. She had a lot of tests and etc., and finally was diagnosed with liver cancer. A week after the diagnosis, on June 19, 2003, she died snuggling with me.

We have one surviving cat, Electra, who is 15 and FIV+.

Our house is so lonely now, and we miss them so much. Electra misses them too.

And I was terrified at first that I might NEVER stop crying. Really, after Freyja collapsed, I spent all day every day crying. I'd wake up, remember, begin to cry and cry all day until I fell asleep... Not mild crying, either. Loud, wailing sobs for 16 hours...

But today is Sunday, and this past Friday, the crying slowed. I cried throughout the day on Friday, but in short little bursts. I'd cry for 10 minutes then stop for a couple hours, then cry for 10 more minutes...

Yesterday I cried in the morning, but not for the rest of the day.

I think mornings are especially hard bc I am used to being greeted when I get up. We had a whole routine of feedings, and going outside, and when they got older of medicines, too... And now I get up and Electra screams at me and runs away (very typical Electra behavior...) But Saki and Freyja are not there to say "Good morning, mama, how are you, we are glad you are awake, pet me, love me, feed me..."

So I am crying now, but a little, and maybe I'll stop before the day is through...

I've been doing what I can to memorialize them. It seems to be the only thing that dulls the ache. I'll try to post photos out here, though I've never done anything like that before. I've scanned them all, so I should be able to do it....

Anyway, if you are out here, it is bc you lost someone you loved sooo sooo sooo much. I am sorry for your loss -- really, I know how deep a loss it is...

Best to all,
Jennifer (Saki and Freyja's Mom)

[helen_davies_00]

Dear Jennifer,
Oh dear you've had it tough! The deaths of 3 significant personalities in the space of 2 months will get some getting over. I've only just found this forum so I haven't read your previous posts, but it sounds like you are making progress grief-wise. I fully understand the strangeness of your mornings now with so little to do re: feeding, medicating. I remember after the deaths of each of my cats, chucking all the drugs and pills in the bin, furious because my efforts to save my cat had failed. Suddenly there's nothing to do. It may help you if you actively try to fill the time that was spent with Saki and Freyja with new activies, a new hobby, an excerise routine even! It took me a year before I was able to use photos of my cats on the web without crying when I saw them so the fact you are considering figuring out how to post pics of your pets here is good news. It sounds like Electra, at age 15, is doing remarkably well for a puss with FIV+. She's very lucky to have such a wonderful caring Mum such as you. Take care and don't feel guilty if one day you realise that you haven't cried that day. I hope that day comes soon.
- Helen

[Saki & Freyj...]

Thank you, Helen.

I DO feel guilty. I only cried a little bit this past weekend. Saki hasn't even been gone two weeks. Of course, I cried for her when she got sick...
Still, I guess part of me wants to cling to the pain... I lost them all within three weeks and felt like I'd been hit by a truck...

Yesterday, I missed my Grandma a lot too. I wrote her a letter every week, every Sunday. It would be nice if I had her shoulder to cry on, but I don't...I've thought about writing her letters anyway...

I was just telling Sue on the old forum that I need to get back into weight lifting and massages...

Your kitty is gorgeous!!! Pilling a cat is so dang hard!!!! After Saki got diabetic, we learned how easy injections were and when vets would give us pills we'd ask "Isn't there an injectable form????" But you know that you did not fail your cat in any way. We just feel so responsible for them, I think we can't help but feel responsible when they die, too...

Best to you,

Jennifer

[Saki & Freyj...]

After Freyja died, I said "Tim, we HAVE to video tape the pets more" as I watched the small amount of footage of them we had. Then of course, Saki got so sick and we didn't do it...

But I did take a bunch of photos of her in the couple of weeks before she died. As I scanned photos of all of them on to the computer I realized I didn't have NEARLY enough photos. I always thought I took a lot of them, but...

So I got them back today and they are really good. I was so worried that they wouldn't turn out. They knew too at WM bc the envelope had a big pink sticker attached to it that said "Important Order."
She is so gorgeous. Just looking at the photos of her, I feel my heart strings tug like I always did when she was here. The only thing wrong with the photos is in a few of them, you can see some of her shaved spots. On one arm she got bad razor burn... it actually looks worse in the photos than it was, but I hate seeing that. I tried really hard not to get any of her shaved spots... I hope someday to entirely forget her sickness and just remember how much fun we had...

Its funny seeing photos out here. I love looking at everyone's babies. Which is funny, bc normally, I don't care about photos of people's human children or furbabies. But when I look at the photos out here, I just think, "HOW PRECIOUS!" I just think of all the love and everyone looks so beautiful...

So it has been 11 days since Saki died and I took her to the vet that day to be cremated. They said it would take about a week, but I haven't heard back from them... I guess I should probably call them, but... I can't explain why I haven't. When I received her urn, I was quite pleased with it and a bit excited about the idea of having her home again (which still seems utterly weird to me...) But for some reason, I am hesitant to call the vet and ask if her cremains are there. I dunno -- maybe it is too FINAL or something...

I know all of my posts are just way too long. But I am so glad I found this place. Reading other posts has helped me so much, I just hope some one gets some sort of solace from something I say.

Love to Saki and Freyja and everyone else,

Jennifer

[Saki & Freyj...]

Oh, one more thing. When I was at WM (you can guess, but I don't want to advertise for them) to get the photos, I was doing ok. I REALLY was. But then I passed the pet aisle, and thought "Freyja needs pig ears... Freyja is gone..." and it literally felt like someone had kicked me in the solar plexus. Air shot out of my chest and my gut cramped up... at least I didn't cry. I DO let my tears flow freely, but I just have hated it this past month all the crying uncontrollably in public....

[SJ J & S]

Sorry i said grandad on the old forum youll see why next-
I had a sneak look at lightning strike at work today and read your message and my husbands been on the computer all night working so i couldnt write to you, consiquently i cant sleep, its 1.30 am here, so i had to get up to post this.

My grandad died a few years ago and obviously i was devastated and eventually i sat down and wrote him a long letter, i put all my regrets in it and how much i loved him and lots of other silly things that meant a lot to me, a bit like what i write here, anyway on the envelope i just wrote grandad and the idea was that i would post it nowing it wouldnt go anywhere, but it just got left on the passanger seat of my car, then the glove compartment and to tell you the truth ive no idea where it is now, maybe he has it.
I tend to leave little treasures in draws so when i tidy them i come across things like pictures my nieces or nephews drew for me when they were young, some sad things too like the leaflet from my dads funeral, when i come across this it now brings a smile as well as some sadness, thats why i know well all get over this eventually.
So im pretty sure one day ill come across the letter again.
When my nan died i kept a kind of diary letting her know what was going on in the family since she passed.
Silly things to some but i found they helped - so go ahead a write that letter ill bet shell be with you when you do.
Love Sue, Jude and Sadie

[Saki & Freyj...]

My grandma died before she received my last letter, so I put it in her casket. I had just been writing her weekly letters for so long, that it is weird now not too... At least I have few regrets with her -- bc I DID write the letters. When my grandpa died, I worried so that he didn't know how much I loved him; that's when I started the letters to Grandma. It gave her such delight...

I could keep writing her. Somehow, it would feel too weird. And not in a good way... I can't explain that.

I did read the grief tips for pets. Electra has been finicky in eating for years, and we have to cater to her, otherwise she won't eat. Her high weight was 10 lbs and she got down to 5. So we have to feed her (per vet orders) what she will eat... I also didn't understand the warning about giving them excessive attention...

[Saki & Freyj...]

Well, I think I will try to post a photo of Saki. I am missing her terribly this afternoon. Electra is screaming and won't shut up. I guess I should treasure it....
This should be a picture of saki eating...
Let's see...

[Saki & Freyj...]

Oh my lord, that is HUGE!!!! Sorry. I don't know how to make it smaller. Her favorite thing to do was eat. That is an obnoxious picture, but I was crying and it made me laugh, bc it is really HUGE. I should make it my wall paper!!!

[Saki & Freyj...]

Yeah, so I removed the attachment. It was just too big. It was an endearing pic when its small, but when her head is bigger than mine, its just scary. Kitty Kong...

I had a bad dream last night. It was basically a re-living of the whole time Saki was sick. In the dream (as in life) she was sick, and we didn't know what was wrong, so we kept taking her to vets, and she was getting sicker, and it was all just terrible. I missed her a lot yesterday. I miss her a lot everyday... And Freyja too...

[helen_davies_00]

Hang in there Jennifer, you will have bad days in between the not very good days. Is there any way you can go on holiday or take a weekend break? It really helps, believe me. Luckily for me my mother lives in Spain or Holland depending on the time of year so I've always got somewhere different to go to at short notice. When Tom died I jumped on a plane and went to Holland for a week. With Harry I was in Spain with Mum only a couple of weeks before he took a turn for the worst, but still after he died, I begged for time off from work and went walking in Wales for a long weekend. Just to get away from the empty house is great and of course, most importantly, it keeps your over active mind occupied with something neutral.

That was a daft picture of your Saki, what a messy puss! Reminded me of when Harry could only eat whizzed up raw chicken liver because of tumour on his jaw, he would flick it around his mouth and get his face covered with it so I had to wash him after each meal. Just like old folks, old cats can be very messy eaters. If you have any graphics or photo editing software on your PC there's usually a way to reduce the size of a picture. The way to tell it's been done is that the file size gets much smaller! Check the file size using Explorer.

Keep posting if it helps! Keep busy now! - Helen

(my avator picture on the left here is of me with Harry's at his last Christmas, 2 months before he died).

[Saki & Freyj...]

Actually, Saki was ALWAYS a messy eater. It was hilarious. She loved to eat and always ate with GUSTO!!!! She ate pretty well until a couple days before she died, liver cancer and all. She was picky about the dishes she ate out of ("Glass please, plastic--NO thank you), and she always got food EVERYWHERE. Of course we complained about that every once in awhile, but really not much. We always found it funny. "Saki is hungry like the wolf!!!" Electra is of course the direct opposite. Never more than one morsel of food in her mouth at a time. Very dainty and polite...

We had a friend visit this past weekend, and that was helpful. He's the kind of friend who, if Tim or I did burst into tears suddenly, or start on an hour long conversation re: the wonders of Saki and Freyja, it wouldn't phase him. Unfortunately, friends like that are few and far between.
I know you are right Helen, that we should save ourselves some down time, but... it's just hard. People, even people we love, seem annoying somehow right now. Still, it is the 4th of July this weekend, so maybe Tim and I will get out and do something fun.

I do have graphics software. But I haven't used it in over a year, and it is just a matter of finding time to play with it...

I am working again. I was off the first part of the summer (I teach). So I can no longer ALLOW myself to cry all day (which also may be why I had a bad dream last night...) But it is also probably good to have something to focus on rather than "I miss my babies..." Mmmn-- I do miss them...

[SJ J & S]

I agree with Helen even a night away, but i can imagine your reluctant to leave Electra, maybe you could find a friend to cat sit we did with Jude and Sadie and then Jude one night for dinner, i took the mobile with me and phoned and made her promise to phone no matter what.
I think thats what they mean by excessive attention because Electra could end up pining for you if you go out and leave her on her own.
We went round a friends at xmas, we waited till Jude fell asleep and we were only gone an hour or so but when we got home Jude was crying the house down shed never been on her own in 17 years it was awful.
We should all post on the old forum begging the others to come over.
Im going to bed now to see if i can sleep.
Talk tomorrow
Love Sue

[Saki & Freyj...]

Ok I will try to take a night off /away, even though I don't really want to. I think that is good advice...

And I will try to post another pic of my babies. I tried to make Saki an avatar, but that was too big, too.

I think I will probably call the vet today and check on Saki's cremains. That makes my stomach go tight... but she needs to be back home...

Love,
Jennifer

[DJ - Edgar and J...]

Harry is a beautiful cat. I am glad to see people are using the new forum... I hope we can all continue to be a part of this community - helping others contributes to our own humanity.

[Saki & Freyj...]

So, Helen -- did/do you have a "Dick"? Sorry that is very rude. But "Tom" and "Harry"... Harry is a beautiful cat. I can only guess that his tumor must've developed suddenly. I am sorry for your loss and good for you for getting more time off work and getting away.

Dj's finally come to the new forum and I am happy about that.

I'd thought about calling re: Saki's cremains today. I guess I probably should. But I just spent the last 30 minutes crying...Ok...i am on the phone with them now....on hold...still on hold...

Well, they don't seem to have them. Hmf.

I was writing earlier that I haven't had any anger (yet) with the grief. But if they don't find her soon, I think I will find my anger...

[SJ J & S]

Took me a while to figure out the Dick bit
Tom Dick and Harry - very funny

Did you realise this Helen when you named your fur babies?
Love Sue

[DJ - Edgar and J...]

Well, the irony made ME laugh if nobody else HUUUUUGGGSSS

[Saki & Freyj...]

Ok, so I went out last night. We went to the drive-in and saw a couple of movies. And it was good. We were gone most the evening and into the early morning.

I realize that I have to start moving on. This doesn't mean stop crying or forget or anything. What it means is I have to start acting normal again. Even if I don't quite feel normal still. It means I have to start getting back into my routines, fitting myself into my life, establishing new routines where the old ones are all screwed up (i.e., morning feedings and etc.).

Electra seemed to do ok while we were gone. She can be so annoying. She cries, screams really so much of the time. Saki would talk, Electra does this demanding high-pitched squeal. When she was a kitten, she'd do this, and I'd tell her "Electra, incessant crying is the number one cause of child abuse..." But I guess I never did anything about it, bc she is 15 and still screams at us. So she was doing that when I got up, but that is not unusual for her.

Yesterday, I called her "Saki" and Tim looked at me. I'd had a rough afternoon of crying, and that started it all up again...

Electra really has been trying to take care of me through all of this. She has snuggled with me more in the past month than she has in all of her previous 15 years combined. And I let her; I think it is good for the both of us... but I still ache for Saki...

[DJ - Edgar and J...]

Everything moves forward. Even as we grieve, the world keeps moving - we just have to realize that.

It's been over a year and I still cry now and then. I miss them so much. But I have Oscar now, and the little orange goof keeps me occupied.

I have been feeding a stray in the hopes that I can lure him into a cat cage and get him to a vet. His eyes are runny and he's obviously grown up on the street. PEOPLE CAN BE HORRIBLE - sorry, I had to say that. At one time this cat was a little baby!!! He needs help - so everyone please wish me luck. His fur is so matted and he's always panting from the heat. I put out water as well... He actually comes right up to me when I call him. Poor guy. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.