My Chihuahua Marilyn, I miss her so much Options

[Steph]

Hi again, I wasn't even aware that there is a Cannock in the UK, so there's my ignorance! I'm in Canada. :-)

I'm having sleep issues too, though not as bad as with the sudden death of my Luba (border collie). Falkor's death seems to have hit me in a different way. Luba's felt like a knife gutting me, Falkor seems to be more like a poison-like despair is running rampant. It's a calmer, though equally devastating grief.

I guess we have to stay strong...

[meens]

Dear all

As I lay in bed last night I felt something - a soft ripple next to my leg, a presence. I actually felt the mattress dip down. Marilyn loved to stretch out next to my leg, all cooched up tight with her head on her front paws. I believe it was her offering me comfort at a time when I needed it most, just she always did.

This time exactly a week ago we were in the vets, for the last time... It hurts just as much, perhaps even more. I know everyone is hurting too, but please spare a thought and a prayer for me and my little angel. I don't know how I got through the last week but I know I wouldn't have if it wasn't for everyone on here.

Thank you for being there

meens x

[goliath]

As I lay in bed last night I felt something - a soft ripple next to my leg, a presence. I actually felt the mattress dip down. Marilyn loved to stretch out next to my leg, all cooched up tight with her head on her front paws. I believe it was her offering me comfort at a time when I needed it most, just she always did.

How wonderful for you to have experienced Marilyn's presence. Her visit just may be telling you to be well and that she is just fine where she is. Marilyn loved you just as much as you loved her and both of you will continue sharing that love throughout the rest of your days on earth until you and she meet once again in a place that is endless; never to be separated again.

Marilyn is by your side today just as she always was. Her loving spirit will watch over you and keep you safe. The bond the two of you share cannot be broken.......even in death. She soars high above with all God's angels so she is not alone.

May you be comforted with love and peace during these difficult times.

Hugs,
Beth

[meens]

How wonderful for you to have experienced Marilyn's presence. Her visit just may be telling you to be well and that she is just fine where she is. Marilyn loved you just as much as you loved her and both of you will continue sharing that love throughout the rest of your days on earth until you and she meet once again in a place that is endless; never to be separated again.

Marilyn is by your side today just as she always was. Her loving spirit will watch over you and keep you safe. The bond the two of you share cannot be broken.......even in death. She soars high above with all God's angels so she is not alone.

May you be comforted with love and peace during these difficult times.

Hugs,
Beth

Thank you Beth for your post, your kind words and prayers make this most painful of times a little easier to bear - I know the time difference is awkward on here but I am so grateful and so touched that you take time out to reply. In "real life" I feel so lonely, that no one understands. I can tell people are already thinking, how come you're still miserable, get over it etc etc. If someone else asks if I'm OK, I think I'll scream. Of course I'm not OK, I want to shout at them, I just want to crawl under the duvet and sleep and sleep til I wake up and this raw pain goes away. But I know I can't, and it won't.

So to you, and everyone on here, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I used to be such a busy person, always dashing about doing this and that. But I don't care that the windows could do with a clean, or the house needs hoovering. I
just sit here, reading all the posts and crying for mine, and for all our losses. Thank you all for being there when no one else is.

I will be going up to the dog shelter where I help out at on my days off later. Just to take them all for a walk, and give them cuddles. It will be hard but they deserve that, and so much more.

[meens]

[quote name='LoveThem' date='Aug 10 2008, 06:19 PM' post='41652']
I am sorry about the dreams. I didn't have that. I know that here in the forum...Havana (Jorge) lost his best canine friend, Buster at the end of June and he has a hard time sleeping but I think it is getting somewhat better. You might want to read his topic....I think you will find there a lot of his thoughts may be like some of yours. He expressed himself very well.

Thank you Judy I have just sat and read every one of Havana's posts, I feel so much what he is going through. I hope he continues to post as this forum is a better place with him being here.

I rarely have bad dreams and when I do I found it is because I have my subconscious fighting my conscious mind and one time I realized it was cause I felt I lost control of my life...that others were planning my life for me...and so I made a conscious effort to take back control..at that time by starting to saying "No" to things I didn't want to do..and my nightmares left.

Last night was better, I posted earlier that I felt Marilyn's presence - and I know it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me, it was REAL. I remembering gasping when I felt her there, bless her always checking her mum was OK. I miss that little dog more than anything

It might help to tell yourself over and over...the right thoughts. Like why you had to make that decision. What you saved Marilyn from going through. I just tell myself that when it is their time to leave us...it will happen...we can't stop it..and that to me is a fact I accept. I don't like it but I can accept it. Because then I realize that if they were meant to be with us longer, the vet would have found a way to help them and it would work. But when it comes down to no cure, no quality of life, and nothing good physically to hope for...there is only one answer. And so, I can look at pictures of my boy and say I am sorry but I remember he was all of a sudden really suffering and I could not allow that to happen to him. I didn't want to make the decision just as you didn't want to but we did it because we love them more than ourselves and so we couldn't keep them here for ourselves when we knew it was time.

So I say I am sorry when I think of my boy..but it was something beyond my control, beyond the vet's control, and that meant it was my boy's time to leave.

I can feel relieved he doesn't have to suffer anymore...or start to suffer worse when there is no help. I guess all that helps me sleep with my decision. There is no way I can question was it right because it was 1000% right.

Think of the gift of peace you gave Marilyn. You were blessed, as I, with many years (never long enough) of having them as part of our lives...happy, healthy times that we would never trade for avoiding this pain and sad time. Think about it all and tell yourself what you know to be true and reassure yourself there was nothing else to do. It was taken out of your hands.

I hope some of these suggestion about thinking helps and that you can realize just how much you actually helped your girl and know that she knows that too and so your dreams should be peaceful because that's what hers are now...peaceful.

Thank you, you put things into words so well. I know, like your boy, the suffering came quickly and I knew I couldn't break my promise that I would not let her suffer. Selfishly sometimes I wish her back even in her poorly state, I know that is really really selfish and I don't mean it to sound that way but I just wish I could hold her again and never let go. I know she's not suffering anymore and I take comfort from that but it still hurts so so much. Maybe I will feel better when I get her ashes back.

And I read again above how looking at her empty bed hurt.. I can't do that. The pain is too much. I put everything away that looks like it is waiting for my baby...until a time way in the future I can look without intense pain. And, in some cases, dishes and things were used for new ones who came into my life when I was completely alone. I have everything that belonged to my special ones over the years...except them. I never throw it away but I pack it away and if some new baby can use it, I know my special one would not mind.

I put one of the beds away. The chis had a bed each in the kitchen, and Betty our rescue had one in the conservatory. Chi would always grouch at Marilyn for the bigger squidgier bed. So I removed the smaller of the beds thinking Chi would now be happy going in the bigger one as she always "claimed" it as hers. But the sad, funny thing is, she hardly goes in it now, preferring to sleep in Betty's bed in the conservatory. So little Marilyn's favourite bed sits empty. I guess Chi is grieving in her own way, they were inseparable all their lives so of course it must affect her.

Hugs and sweet dreams. Marilyn is a very beautiful Angel who is watching over you as you sleep...so you never are alone.

Thank you again Judy. That brought tears to my eyes. Someone cares. I thought of all your kind words as I lay in bed, you don't know how much you have helped me, indeed are helping me, get through this terrible time.

meens x

[meens]

Hi again, I wasn't even aware that there is a Cannock in the UK, so there's my ignorance! I'm in Canada. :-)

I'm having sleep issues too, though not as bad as with the sudden death of my Luba (border collie). Falkor's death seems to have hit me in a different way. Luba's felt like a knife gutting me, Falkor seems to be more like a poison-like despair is running rampant. It's a calmer, though equally devastating grief.

I guess we have to stay strong...

Hi Steph

My friend who I moved up here to be closer too, her mum is Canadian (but lives here also). She sent me a lovely card for Marilyn, we all had such happy times on the farm where she now lives. When I was little my gran lived next door to the family, we have stayed friends all our lives and they are like a family to me.

The sleep issues are hard - and then waking up - for that split second everything's OK then you feel it crashing down again, its just horrible. I have read your other posts and know that you are struggling in many ways. I too have been through similar and these times are the hardest. But the reason we feel this bad, is that we loved them so, so much.

Staying strong is hard, just living day to day, even hour by hour is enough for us now. My thoughts and prayers are with you - meens x

[meens]

 Marilyn.doc ( 41.5K ) Number of downloads: 49
Hi everyone

I was very brave and just checked out some pics of the dogs - thought I would post this one of my sweet angel Marilyn. This was taken in May 2006, by my friend's pond. Later that day she was sunbathing right by the edge and I said, Boo you'll fall in sweety, you're right by the edge! And yes, a gentle 'plop' and she fell in! We fished her out and she was fine. A funny memory but makes me cry all the same. I don't have many of her on her own as she and her sister Chi and our rescue Betty were a little gang, but if anyone would like me to post anymore please say.

I haven't worked out yet how to paste the pic into my posting, or to set it as my avatar pic. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

[Omarmommy]

 Marilyn.doc ( 41.5K ) Number of downloads: 49
Hi everyone

I was very brave and just checked out some pics of the dogs - thought I would post this one of my sweet angel Marilyn. This was taken in May 2006, by my friend's pond. Later that day she was sunbathing right by the edge and I said, Boo you'll fall in sweety, you're right by the edge! And yes, a gentle 'plop' and she fell in! We fished her out and she was fine. A funny memory but makes me cry all the same. I don't have many of her on her own as she and her sister Chi and our rescue Betty were a little gang, but if anyone would like me to post anymore please say.

I haven't worked out yet how to paste the pic into my posting, or to set it as my avatar pic. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

Meens-She was BEAUTIFUL! I love this picture of Marilyn. I love seeing pictures of everyone's furbabies. It gives me a little peace to see them all healthy. Just like they are now in heaven. I would love to see more. Even if it's with her 'gang'.

Take care. We are all in this together. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pain...with my whinning. But I always get such kind words, it brings me back to reality that there really are others out there with the same pain as me.

Omarmommy
Marcie

[meens]

Meens-She was BEAUTIFUL! I love this picture of Marilyn. I love seeing pictures of everyone's furbabies. It gives me a little peace to see them all healthy. Just like they are now in heaven. I would love to see more. Even if it's with her 'gang'.

Take care. We are all in this together. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pain...with my whinning. But I always get such kind words, it brings me back to reality that there really are others out there with the same pain as me.

Omarmommy
Marcie

Oh thank you Marcie - I was so touched that you thought she was beautiful. I feel very proud to have had her in my life although I miss her so bad it hurts. I look at the photos and think, how can she be gone, she's here looking back at me.

Thank you for your lovely words. I will post some more pics later today.

I don't ever think anyone on here is whining. I am so grateful for this place we can all come to and share each others pain and loss and memories, when no one else understands. The world can seem an empty unloving place but coming here where people are warm and caring gives me a little bit of strength.

Take care and remember you are not alone

meens x

[Steph]

Wow, she was a beauty! What a sweet looking dog!! Thanks for posting the picture.

[meens]

 The_Gang.doc ( 48.5K ) Number of downloads: 29


Here is another pic of The Gang

Betty the rescue dog at the back, Marilyn to our left and Chi sleeping (!) on our right.

Happier times, I miss my little angel Marilyn and so do Betty and Chi x

I hope you like them, thanks for looking and for your nice comments

Attached File(s)

 The_Gang_2.doc ( 38.5K ) Number of downloads: 19
 Sisters.doc ( 35.5K ) Number of downloads: 18

 

[moon_beam]

Hi, meens, I tried posting a few minutes ago but something happened - - I'm not sure where it went, so here goes again. Thank you so much for sharing your pictures of Marilyn and your fur family with us. This grief journey is very painful and totally disrupts what our "normal" routines used to be. Difficulty sleeping, depression, inability to eat, lack of concentration, are all symptoms of the stress of the grief we go through. But it is important for you to try to keep eating something -- even it's just broth for a few days -- because your body needs this nourishment in order to cope with the stress you're under. It's a very difficult adjustment not having the physical presence of our furkids with us, but we always have their sweet living Spirit to have and to hold in our hearts and memories. Meens, we are here for you for as long as you need us. And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Extra hugs to Chi and Betty.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

[meens]

Hi, meens, I tried posting a few minutes ago but something happened - - I'm not sure where it went, so here goes again. Thank you so much for sharing your pictures of Marilyn and your fur family with us. This grief journey is very painful and totally disrupts what our "normal" routines used to be. Difficulty sleeping, depression, inability to eat, lack of concentration, are all symptoms of the stress of the grief we go through. But it is important for you to try to keep eating something -- even it's just broth for a few days -- because your body needs this nourishment in order to cope with the stress you're under. It's a very difficult adjustment not having the physical presence of our furkids with us, but we always have their sweet living Spirit to have and to hold in our hearts and memories. Meens, we are here for you for as long as you need us. And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Extra hugs to Chi and Betty.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Thank you moonbeam - for taking the trouble to post again too! I don't want to be a burden keep coming back here and going on and on. But it really does help, even reading over the previous replies people have posted. I get choked up each time I see someone else has posted a reply, why would anyone bother about me and a tiny little dog is overwhelming and so nice.

Yes you are right, all the symptoms you describe. Its like I'm a totally different person - before last week I was active, chatty, busy - now I'm just a shell, going through the motions. So little makes me smile and laugh and I am so so tired all the time. There's very little food in the house, it needs hoovering but I just think, bah, I don't care anymore. Like I've died inside.

I guess in time it will ease but I can't even pretend to be "OK" at the moment. I'm back at work tomorrow so I have to at least function there and be as normal as I can be.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Mine are with you and everyone on here also

meens x

[moon_beam]

Meens, you just keep coming back and posting. When you go back to work tomorrow you may find that you need us even more, and that's okay - - we'll be here for you. Of course it feels like a part of you has died. Marilyn was an intimate part of your life in your journey together, and now you have this emptiness because she is no longer physically with you. It's a horrible adjustment, Meens, which each of us here so well knows first hand and understands. Although we love our other furkids who are still with us, there are some fur folks that we bond more tightly with - - it's like any other relationship we would have - - some human folks are closer to us than others. Please know you are NOT a burden to us, meens. I hope that you will be able to get some rest tonight, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

[meens]

Meens, you just keep coming back and posting. When you go back to work tomorrow you may find that you need us even more, and that's okay - - we'll be here for you. Of course it feels like a part of you has died. Marilyn was an intimate part of your life in your journey together, and now you have this emptiness because she is no longer physically with you. It's a horrible adjustment, Meens, which each of us here so well knows first hand and understands. Although we love our other furkids who are still with us, there are some fur folks that we bond more tightly with - - it's like any other relationship we would have - - some human folks are closer to us than others. Please know you are NOT a burden to us, meens. I hope that you will be able to get some rest tonight, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Dear moon beam

Thank you, once again for taking the trouble to reply to me. Honestly it is you guys here who have got me through the dark days and nights of the last week. Even though it will be hard in work I think it will do me good in that I have a routine and purpose. But really I just want to stay at home and lie on the sofa with Betty and Chi. This week seems harder than last, I don't know why.

Thank you all for understanding and for being there

meens xx

[goliath]

This week seems harder than last, I don't know why.

I can tell you why......or at least why for me it was harder. The first week I was so out of control that I couldn't distinguish one feeling from another. Mostly in denial about Goliath not being there. Soon after, more of the deep agonizing pain began to sink in. One way or another ALL the crippling pain and tears had to find their way up to the very top surface of my every being. Allowing that took me some time. It was necessary for me to let my mourning take it's course so that I could become able to begin a new kind of life happy and healthy once again.

It took me over two months before I found LS. By that time, I had fallen into such a deep dark hole of sadness that I never thought I'd be able to find my way back out again. My life had ended the way I knew it so well ...... so content and sooooooo very happy in every way.

In time I found my way back to a wonderful life full of hope, peace, and faith. The journey is long and the challenges are many. But as you find yourself in front of an obstacle that just won't get out of your way, close your eyes and take yourself to a time..............one of your absolute favorite happy memories..... and give thanks for all you have had and all that is yet to be. There is a magnificent plan for all of us.

Your sweet Marilyn is your forever companion. Nothing can darken the sunshine she brought into your life for she is still there with you now as she always was.

Much love to you Meens. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs to those other two special babies, Chi & Betty, from me.

Hugs of comfort my friend,
Beth

[meens]

Dear goliath and moon beam

Thank you for your posts, I still find it overwhelming when I check back on here and someone has had the kindness to respond to my ramblings.

I got through work today though it was hard, I was glad I went as hard as it sounds, life has to go on. Staying at home and moping and crying is only going to upset Betty and Chi.

I had a call from the vets in the afternoon, Marilyn's ashes were ready... I broke down a little in the vets, I know the vet nurse there and she was so upset (she'd been away last week when all this happened). The box her ashes was in was so tiny, bless her she was a tiny dog though their personalities (goliath I am sure you can vouch for this!) are huge.

On the day she passed away, there were two rainbows that evening. Tonight, another, double one. I take comfort from that.

Everything is still off balance and my heart aches so much. Goliath you were right, I think the second week is hardest for the reasons you say. That horrible feeling of "she's gone, and she's never coming back". Yes I know she is with me in spirit but gone in the life we knew before sense.

Marilyn I am glad you are back with me where you belong. But I miss you so terribly my angel, I hope you know I will never ever forget you and how much I love you, always ***

[Steph]

I think the first week we are wandering around in shock and disbelief. The second week it really hits home, and all of the things that won't happen anymore start to sink in. I found both weeks hellish for different reasons.
I'm now halfway through week three, and overall I'm more bitchy, but am back into my routines. Sometimes I just stop and start crying again though.

Meens, your gang is so adorable!!!

[meens]

I think the first week we are wandering around in shock and disbelief. The second week it really hits home, and all of the things that won't happen anymore start to sink in. I found both weeks hellish for different reasons.
I'm now halfway through week three, and overall I'm more bitchy, but am back into my routines. Sometimes I just stop and start crying again though.

Meens, your gang is so adorable!!!

Aw thank you Steph, I never posted pics of my girlies on the internet before, its nice to get such lovely comments off people. I can't really call them a gang anymore - I guess two isn't quite a gang - but I am blessed to have them and their funny ways.

I find it hard to believe you could be bitchy Steph, anyone that takes the time to write back to me going on and on is surely an angel! You hit the nail on the head re the first and second week. I really didn't want to go to work today but they are a caring, if not pet owning, bunch and it makes me feel slightly more useful and "part of it" if that makes sense.

I know I am new here but I am here for you if you ever need to vent or just need a shoulder.

Take care - meens xx

[moon_beam]

Hi, meens, thank you so much for sharing how your day has been for you. Getting your furbaby's ashes back is comforting, although it's not anything like having Marilyn's sweet precious living body to hold and be by your side. It seems the first week or so we're in a state of shock, and when that starts to wear off reality begins to sink in, and then when we get the ashes back - - our hearts know for sure that the sweet life we had before has changed forever. How very special about the rainbows - - Marilyn letting you know she is safe at the Bridge, and the double rainbow - - wow - - Marilyn letting you know that she is still with you. Have you thought about doing a memorial for Marilyn - - like a scrapbook or making a donation to your local rescue shelter in Marilyn's honor and memory? I know this may be too soon to think about, but as you begin to feel stronger through the coming days and weeks, it's just a thought. When my Eli, and previous furkids, passed, I did a Memorial Booklet for each of them and made copies for our vets and vet techs. It took me a long time to do them, but I found them to be very healing and the vets and vet techs really appreciated them. Just take it one day at a time, meens, and please know we are here for you.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam