I Am Very Lonely Already Options

[havana]

I would like to thank to all of you that take their time to read my notes but now espacially to "goliath" "LoveThem" "myhrtisbrkn" and also "jillster" for you kind words and understanding my pain and desperation.
As you know we Buster and I are alone here in St Louis from New York but before that we were in Miami Florida where he was born 11 years ago. I lost my other half in the North Twin Tower in 9/11 and Buster was at the time about 4 years old and since that age we have been together every since. I have been trying to picture my self all alone {what will I do then?] and for more that I think I have no aswer to that.
Another thing that really bodersme is when the time comes to say goodbye [will I be able to stay with him while is leaving me?] I don't think I will be able to do so, even if afterwards I feel my self as a coward and that I deserted him but I think I will prefer not to have my last vision of him dying I just want to see him and remember him alive always. Sorry had to stop for a few minutes becouse It really breaks me into pieces to see him trying to get rid of something that he thinks is on top of his nose with his two front pads not realizing it's the tumors inside bodering him, then I hugged and told him that I wish I could take those tumors off of him with my own hands and that if I could I would but I can't and told him that I am so so very sorry and he looked at me like it was understanding what I was saying to him, am crying now, bye for now and don't forget about me please, I need you.

[goliath]

Hi Havana we are here and will continue to be here for you. If you can continue writing your thoughts and worries and keep it in one topic area, it will be easier for us to follow. Pick either this new area you have now posted to continue coming back to or the first one you started. If you use both many of the readers who don't come here every day will miss the important thoughts you need for us to hear so desperately. I hope that makes sense to you Havana because I know during a time like this it can be difficult to think straight.

You can rely on us to be with you all the way with your precious Buster. That's what we are here for. We console each other and give support whenever and wherever it is needed. The desperation in your words is coming through loud and clear. I can hear your cries for help as though you were right here at my window.

My heart truly goes out to you at this time of need and deep sadness for what you are facing now and what is yet to be. Try and focus on what is happening today Havana so that you can make good decisions on what you are thinking of doing.
Call upon us for any advice or questions you may have. We may not have all the answers for you but I can promise you we will give it our best shot.

How sad for you to have lost your other half during the 911 tragedy. So many lives were lost on that fateful day and will never be forgotten by anyone who lived to tell about it.

Keep coming back and updating us on what is going on. My prayers are with you. It sounds as though some difficult decisions will have to be made soon by you. So, I can only pray that our Lord's hand will touch you and provide you with some peace and comfort so you can do the right thing with a clear mind.

Bless you my friend as you struugle to find your way through this grievous time of your life. Hugs of comfort to you Havana.............I am with you all the way I promise.

[LoveThem]

I do agree with Goliath about trying to keep your replies in one topic so we can find you easier. Here or the other one you started.

Thanks for the thanks....I hope I was some help in my other reply.

Your question about being with Buster at the end. Yes, you are allowed to be there. But as you have said...about the tramua of it, well, I have never been able to be in the room....I wait in another room because I start crying hysterically and never wanted my babies to become anxious because I am so upset. Of course, they see that. I know the people with them are very soothing and pet them and hug them.

One time we did have a vet come to our home.....what she did was first give a tranquilizer to allow a light sleep so we could force ourselves to make the final decision and before our baby woke up we had to tell her whether to give the final shot or not. Of course, we had to say yes because the poor baby had cancer in his lungs and could hardly breathe. BUt my husband held him for the tranquilizer shot and that time and then we left the vet alone with him in a closed bedroom and when it was over, she wrapped him up and took him with her. The important part of this story was the fact there were 2 shots and the first just let our sweetheart go into a light sleep so he was not aware of us and our crying. I never asked a vet to do this before or since as I do take them to the vet hospital where they are seen by a caring staff who are with them and they come out to tell me when it is done. I don't leave until they say that. So yes, you can be there with Buster, but if you feel you can't emotionally, you can also do what I do and wait in another room or you can ask about 2 shots and after Buster is peacefully sleeping after the 1st one..you can hug him and cry and he won't know you are upset. There are different ways to approach this awful decision time.

The hardest is ..yes...leaving without him and going home. One time I happened to have a puppy waiting that needed food and attention and that was a distraction I really needed. I cried and hugged his little body and of course they always lick our faces like it is a lollipop. I have also had no one waiting and it is hard but I keep remembering why it was done and that my baby was not suffering and was at peace and his soul was not part of my heart.

You will do a lot of crying and that is normal. You can come here and write about your feelings...that can help and we are here to talk back to you and will watch for you posting. For the future, remember all that Buster gave you all those years and know he would never want you to be unhappy and you might think about looking at puppies, either in the paper or at a shelter like the SPCA, or even an abandoned older than a puppy. I know I made more than one trip before getting my new 2 year old cat, Lucky. He was sleeping at the SPCA and as I walked up, he opened his eyes, and we made a connection. He is not my baby that I lost,
although I do look at the same types of dogs and/or cats and tend to get ones that look like ones I have lost. Certain types are just special for me. I needed to fill the emptiness in my home with that unconditional love I had for so many years. If Buster can't be with you because it is his time to become an angel and watch over you.....then that unconditional love he has given you for so many years would tell you he wants you to be happy. You will love him and miss him forever....but there is room for another bond when you feel it is right. Someone needs you as much as you need to have that love again. It really helps, I think. It did for me and I see in this forum, it has helped others...the New Beginnings section shows that.

Take Care....and post anytime....this is the worst time of all and we here have been there as many times as we have had one of these special ones in our lives. We understand exactly your pain. We still have pain from our losses but we realize in time that we cannot physically be like that every day....it is just too exhausting and we can't change what has happened to us.

One thing I treasure is I have some fur from my last 3 and I have put that fur in a small ziplock bag along with a favorite toy and that for me is the only way I know of to feel the physical presence again...cause that fur is so soft and alive and so was my special one when I got that fur.....I took mine from his brush cause he loved to be brushed.

My prayers are with you and Buster.....It seems so sad that we have to let them go BECAUSE we love them....when all we really want to do is keep them forever.

I guess I always spoke to my vet because I wanted to hear him say.....its not time yet...and when I don't hear that...I know it is my decision alone but again I remember why I will finally decide...it will be because the vet has let me know there is no hope for the wonderful change I would want to see. That way I don't feel I am making the decision by myself.

You have a lot to think about and give Buster as many hugs as you can each day...................

[forduffy]

Hi havana, I have not been able to get online recently too much but I saw your post and it hit home.
I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain right now with little buster. It hurts so much to watch our babies in pain and to watch them suffer. On top of that, it is so hard to have to make any type of decisions while experiencing that pain. Please know that we are here for you in the forum. The people her understand what you are going through and it helps to express your feelings. You have been throug so much since losing your significant other. You have my deepest sympathy and my heart goes out to you. Please give buster many hugs and take care.


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[LS Support]

Havana,

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[havana]

Thank you all for your help and simpathy.

[LS Support]

always happy to lend a hand, as are the friendly folks here. condolences on your loss, i hope you find the support here that you need.

[havana]

Hi havana, I have not been able to get online recently too much but I saw your post and it hit home.
I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain right now with little buster. It hurts so much to watch our babies in pain and to watch them suffer. On top of that, it is so hard to have to make any type of decisions while experiencing that pain. Please know that we are here for you in the forum. The people her understand what you are going through and it helps to express your feelings. You have been throug so much since losing your significant other. You have my deepest sympathy and my heart goes out to you. Please give buster many hugs and take care.


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Thank you also fordufy really appreciate.

[goliath]

Hi Havana...............I have been wondering about and praying for you and Buster. Looks like you might have the hang of this now. It can take awhile to get familiarized with how the forum works.

How is Buster coming along? Have you consulted another opinion about Buster's condition? Please keep us updated on how both of you are doing. We all care about you so much and are available to you anytime you call upon us.

Much love to you and Buster.

[LoveThem]

Hi, Havana

I wonder what you were told about removing those tumors from Buster's nose. Is that possible?
I agree also with those who say it never hurts to get a second opinion. Is there anything that can be done to help him? What does your vet say about surgery? Can you see another vet and get a second opinion also? Maybe a surgery could make him more comfortable and give him some more time...I don't know but it never hurts to ask and keep asking as long as he is with you.

Take Care and give him some extra hugs today.

[sindii&clyde]

If you do have to make that heartbreaking decision just try to think through all the sadness and shock, with busters last breaths of air, do you wish for him to be alone or would you want to hold him so tightly, knowing that no matter how much it hurts (beyond anything i can imagine) to see him go, that he deserves your touch, smell and tears in his last moments of life. To have your baby finally come to rest in your arms and not all by himself.

Please be brave and stay with him until the end, he would never leave your side and in return the greatest gift to him would be for mummy to hold him as he falls asleep for the last time.

I had to do it last week and i held my little girl so tight, so that she knew that her daddy was with her till the end. With tears raining down on her face from mine, i kept telling her how much i loved her and that i would see her soon. She completed me as a person and i loved her so much that i would never leave her side.

[havana]

Hi guys, how are you doing today? hope you are all well. Don't know how to really thank you for your words. Buster is doing well still, it's not bledding no more still eating and drinking well, even sometimes barks at people and other dogs walking on the side-walk with their Mom's and Dad's [he can see all the action thru our storm door. This afternoon will get for sure about the second opinion and about the removing of his tumors from inside the nose [I really want this] becouse don't really want to let him go just yet. I wish you could see him, it's so full of life that even when I take him the the Vet's office he does resist me from going in [is this a sign that is telling me am not ready yet? well, it seems like it and like that. Will talk to you all later around in the evening, God Bless all the Mom's, Dad's and all our Kid's Pet's here and out there. sindii&clyde you are so brave that am proud of you already, your words got into my heart very deep and you are 100% right and "will do it" when the time comes even if breaks my heart into pieces, thanks again.

[sindii&clyde]

Hi again, i really hope these tumors can be removed, because like you said he is full of life, just like my little girl was. If he wants to live, just let him, in your heart you'll know when it is time.

Another thing, don't always take the vets word that it is time, they said they'd understand if i wanted to let her go when i found out because she was full of tumors bet she held on strong for over 2 months, eating and playing and managing long walks and it wasn't until the last week that she went off her food and struggled walking and getting up. She just wanted to rest but not sleep and i knew when i looked at her it was time to say good bye.

[LoveThem]

I'm glad to hear you are checking out about removing the tumors (or maybe something can shrink them like in humans?). As long as Buster is with you it is good to check out as much as possible how to help him improve his daily life. I pray you hear of a way to help him be with you as long as possible.

As far as the future is concerned, there is always the day we dread that we will be letting them go...it will be decided for us when there is no hope and no quality of life and we can't change that. Just remember each person is different and once a tranquilizer is given, our babies are sleeping first and do not know we are there..when everything starts shutting down. I happen to become so hysterical having to bring them in and making the decision....they pick up when we are upset and they become upset and I don't want that thought with me forever...that they struggled because they sensed my horrible struggle inside. I will never do anything that I have the slightest thought might make things worse for them.

That is why when I actually bring them in....I tell myself it is not decided until after I am there (and I can change my mind) and so I do not cry or get upset until they leave the room there. But then I let go absolutely hysterically crying and that keeps on and on.

I have envied if anyone can stay calm enough to be there until it is over....the emotion that created so much love for them is what fails me at that time and we do all know our babies sense any change in our emotions.

That is a completely personal decision that is not "right" or "wrong" to do either way. It is what one feels they need to do for themselves. Whatever one feels will make the grieving easier and not harder...as it is overwhelming by itself.

I do pray and wish you success in finding answers to help Buster get rid of those tumors. I have read in animal magazines about successful surgeries in the face area...that's why it is always worth it to check as much as possible....it is never a waste of time to ask questions and even getting more than one opinion is just fine......There are always new treatments being found and until you ask...you may not find out about them. Buster deserves every bit of help that is possible and I hope you hear something good to hear.

Take care and know we understand what you are going through...we have been there as many times as we have allowed these precious ones to become a part of our lives.

Hugs to you and Buster!

[havana]

I'm glad to hear you are checking out about removing the tumors (or maybe something can shrink them like in humans?). As long as Buster is with you it is good to check out as much as possible how to help him improve his daily life. I pray you hear of a way to help him be with you as long as possible.

As far as the future is concerned, there is always the day we dread that we will be letting them go...it will be decided for us when there is no hope and no quality of life and we can't change that. Just remember each person is different and once a tranquilizer is given, our babies are sleeping first and do not know we are there..when everything starts shutting down. I happen to become so hysterical having to bring them in and making the decision....they pick up when we are upset and they become upset and I don't want that thought with me forever...that they struggled because they sensed my horrible struggle inside. I will never do anything that I have the slightest thought might make things worse for them.

That is why when I actually bring them in....I tell myself it is not decided until after I am there (and I can change my mind) and so I do not cry or get upset until they leave the room there. But then I let go absolutely hysterically crying and that keeps on and on.

I have envied if anyone can stay calm enough to be there until it is over....the emotion that created so much love for them is what fails me at that time and we do all know our babies sense any change in our emotions.

That is a completely personal decision that is not "right" or "wrong" to do either way. It is what one feels they need to do for themselves. Whatever one feels will make the grieving easier and not harder...as it is overwhelming by itself.

I do pray and wish you success in finding answers to help Buster get rid of those tumors. I have read in animal magazines about successful surgeries in the face area...that's why it is always worth it to check as much as possible....it is never a waste of time to ask questions and even getting more than one opinion is just fine......There are always new treatments being found and until you ask...you may not find out about them. Buster deserves every bit of help that is possible and I hope you hear something good to hear.

Take care and know we understand what you are going through...we have been there as many times as we have allowed these precious ones to become a part of our lives.

Hugs to you and Buster!

Hi sindii&clyde, hi LoveThem, how are you today? hope you are doing well. It was imposible for me to get an earlier appoiment than June 17th at 8:30am to take Buster along with the x-rays taking from our Veterinarian to see "the only one" Specialist Surgeon we have here in town and to make things a bit worst he is on vacation till next week, so you know how I feel about all of this. I thought this would be a little easier like for example taking him with the Specialist Surgeon will look at the x-rays chech him all out and he would tell me what the chances are... but, this will not be possible untill the date I told you before. I just can't wait until that day arrives to take him in inmediately,well, that is all for now, will keep in touch and in the mean time will try to make my son's life warmer and confortable, thanks again and please don't forget to pray for my Boy Buster, Jorge.

[myhrtisbrkn]

Jorge

I'm glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you and Buster. I'm sorry you can't see the specialist any sooner; that must be so hard on you. I hope my remarks didn't make you feel even worse. You're lucky to have a specialist in town...I had to take Mack 500 miles away to see a specialist. That trip was hard on him, but he was so brave and sweet it broke my heart. The upside was he so treated like a king there and he made a lot of new friends.

From your last post, it sounds like the meds are keeping Buster fairly comfortable. I'm praying that continues to be the case. Keep us posted!


big hugs from Amos, Birga, Bk. Charles and Me
Dayna

[goliath]

Hi Havana..........I am glad to hear from you too. You and Buster have been in my prayers every night.

That has to be so frustrating for you in waiting to see that specialist for Buster. Is it possible there is another specialist within a workable distance for you to take him to sooner than next week? If not, just keep doing what you're doing by keeping him as comfortable as possible.

I'm with you all the way here Havana and am pleased you have hung in there with us as well. Take care, I will be watching for all updates.

Hugs to you my friend,
Beth

[LoveThem]

I am very glad to hear you have an appt for Buster to see a specialist and check out what is going on. I too wish it was closer than June 17th....but it will come and hopefully you will get some good answers.

Give Buster a hug and kiss for being such a sweet boy..from me.

Hugs to you, Jorge...I will watch the calendar with you for June 17th.

[havana]

When I thought no one cared about our pain I was all wrong and I think I need to apologize, I was all wrong when I believed that the world was cold and cruel but like I said my thoughts were all wrong, now I know there is is warmth in the world still and you are all Angels here and some good will come to you soon [you deserve it] that I know, I was going into a deep depression when I found you guys, and boy! am I glad I did. Thank you all for your love, support and prayers for the two of us, I can feel it and we really appreciate and at the same time make us feel that we are not alone anymore like we thought we were once and that we can count with you at all times, our love to all those who had past, their Dads and Moms, love always, and full of hope, Buster and Jorge .

[goliath]

When I thought no one cared about our pain I was wrong I think I need to apologize, I was all wrong when I believed that the world was cold and cruel but like I said my thoughts were all wrong, now I know there is is warm in the world still and you are all Angels here and some good will come to you soon [you deserve it] that I know, I was going into a deep depression when I found you guys, and boy! am I glad I did. Thank you all for your love, support and prayers for the two of us, I can feel it and we really appreciate and at the same time make us feel that we are not alone anymore like we thought we were once and that we can count with you at all times, our love to all the that has past, their Dads and Moms, love always, and full of hope, Buster and Jorge .

There is indeed love and warmth in this world and it takes a special kind of person to recognize when it reveals itself. Both here in this forum as well as outside this forum I have been touched and blessed by many that have come into my life.

I'm so glad to have been privileged to meet you Jorge. You have touched my heart in a very special way.

Much love to you and Buster
Beth