In A Black State Of Mind Options

[Zita'sMom]

On the morning of October 21st my dear cat Zita didn't come home for breakfast. We are now pretty much positive she was killed by a cougar. She was the sweetest pet, simply a joy. She was only 3 years old.

Last February we bought a farm in a rural area. By the end of that month I had to euthanize my best friend Merlin 17 year old dog. That was tough, very tough, but I was reassured by the fact that he led a full life and physically his body was just worn out. He would have a better life on the other side. Then, a month and a half later, my husband's cat Tiffany was killed by the neighbour's dog. This was a shock. Tiffany wasn't afraid of dogs and was really feisty. This ended up being the cause of her demise.

There were other personal issues - I found out I had a blood condition that could have taken my life. Then when that was resolved, my foot swelled up and no doctor could tell me what was wrong. I could barely walk for 6 months and I have 5 high energy dogs. In August of this year we found out my husband had a heart condition and had an operation in September. (We are not even an old couple!) When all looked well again and I was starting to get my spirits back, Zita disappeared. My sweet Zita, my Buddha cat who only every gave me love and joy. I feel joyless and unresolved about her passing.

We bought this place with intention to extend it and renovate. That too was delayed and we are in the middle of it now. We have poured every last cent into this place which I thought would be such a wonderful place for my dogs and cats. Now I regret moving here, the costs have been too great.

I have 5 rescue dogs, some with issues, and I can take them out without worry of problem behaviours on our property. This seemed so wonderful at the time. But now that Zita is gone, there is a huge hole in my heart, a great emptiness. Life will never be the same.

Zita and her brother Zeus were together since conception and now Zeus is alone. Yesterday he had dirt on his face and it made me want to cry - Zita would always clean his face for him.

I spoke to my mother on the phone and when I mentioned my grief over the cat she said "Well it's been a couple of weeks. You have a lot of pets so you are bound to lose a few." Could you imagine if people said those things about the death of a child? Zita was only 3.

Other friends are unsympathetic because I allowed the cats to come and go through a cat door. I would never have let them out at night if I'd known the danger of cougars here.

Well, I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Jan.

[kittymomma]

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss of Zita. I only wish there was more I could do to help you through ths dark time. You gave Zita a life of love and now she is over the Rainbow Bridge awaiting the time you will all be together again. Zeus will need you now. I noticed my cats became much more needy when orion left us. I tried to give them more comfort and attention and they seem to be doing better. Better than I. We will mourn the loss of our little ones for so long and then will come days of peace. We will remember them with smiles and joy. Til we get there, we must pass through this awful phase of grief that is neccessary to reach the other side. If we love so intensely, is there any doubt that it will hurt just as intensely when we have to let them go on their own journey.
I send many hugs to you and prayers for your peace of mind.
susan

[John B]

I'm so sorry, Jan. You have been through so much. You obviously have an inner strength that keeps you going. It seems like the deeper the capacity we have to love the deeper we hurt.

I know that there is not much I can say to help you with your grief, but I'm here for you. We all are. You are certainly among people who understand and are hurting with you. I know for me that means a lot.

Take care
John B

[forduffy]

Oh Jan,
I am so sorry for your loss of poor little Zita. It's hard enough to have to grieve but with all of the other problems that life seems to send us in conjunction with the grief can be so overwhelming. You have a wonderful heart for these little furbabies and I feel the same way that you do- you lost a child and these babies are not replaceable. Some people (and I feel sorry for them) just don't understand. My heart goes out to you and you are among people who know what you are going through. Take care and hugs to little Zeus.
Stephanie

[Zita'sMom]

Thanks all of you for the support.

I distract myself for awhile and try to think about my other pets needs and how I will one day still see Zita again when I too cross Rainbow Bridge. Then suddenly waves of sadness hit me. For a minute I forget Zita is gone, then suddenly I remember.... Last night I could not sleep because of the awful images in my mind.

Today I talked to a neighbour about Zita and she said "Oh yeah, every time we see a poster of a missing cat, we know there is a cougar around again." Why is it, I find this out now, when it is too late to do anything for her? I feel very responsible for not finding out more about wildlife threats in this area. I intended a balance of safety and maintaining a quality of life for all my pets. But my cats were not safe at all outside at night - what a horrible way to find out!

Again, just venting. I'm glad I can whine and carry on here unlike in real life! Thanks for allowing me to self indulge! (I keep hearing the voice of society saying "Get over it!")

Interesting what you said about the deeper capacity for love the deeper the hurt. I once spoke to a Monk about the Buddhist concept of attachment and asked "how can we not feel pain when an animal is hurting or dying." He said that if we have empathy, then of course we will have pain. It is then about learning how best to cope with that pain....

Jan

[toonie]

Jan, my heart goes out to you. Your sweet Zita's time had come, more and more I believe that we are helpless in our own and the fate of our loved ones, yeah sure you could have kept her inside like you would have if you knew about the cougar but perhaps she would have become sick like other cats on this board, sometimes fate is stronger . But we do go crazy don't we, with hurt, with guilt with what ifs....then when we think of their last moments.... you know how I try to 'accept' such last moments that have been relatively quick? I just remember that we have all had nightmares, animals and humans get them, as you must have seen your cats sleeping through one and having a very disturbed sleep. when I think of someone's or some animals last moments in such cases, I like to think they must have been unsure as to whether this was real or if it was a horrible nightmare...by the time they realize it, it doesn't matter any more, they are safe and starting over, like we all will do later.
A beautiful poem in another language said that our joy and our pain springs from the same well. How deep that well was when it brought you joy, it is made deeper when it brings you pain, all from the same source...that pain deepens the well from which your joy will spring again in time. Believe it and try and get through this difficult time, on your own schedule, in your own way, and you'll make it through, perhaps much changed but through the beauty of the love that has been.

[paris]

Jan,

You have been through so much. People who say "get over it, it's just a cat" are ignorant at best. We know, the love for a cat can be immense and real.

I don't want to be morbid, but I know you are torturing yourself with images. If indeed a cougar was there, I do believe in nature it is so that an animal who is taken is done so with almost no pain or realization. I believe that God made it that way. So if this did happen, Zita did not suffer, if that is any consolation.

I know you are also feeling guilty. I am trying to be rational for you. Guilt is when you know you are doing something wrong or hurtful. You are feeling frustration that people are speaking of the cougars now. But you know in you heart that you had no idea.

Jan, we all take risks. You can let your child go snowboarding and (God forbid) he could break his neck. I can drive a little too fast sometimes. Bennett goes out every day. He can - get hit by a car, get attacked by a dog, eat poison....but he is benefitting from being outdoors. There are risks to everything you do in life, otherwise you would be locked in your house with the shades down. Some risks are bigger than others, but you did not, repeat DID NOT know about the risk of the cougars.

Having said all that, the pain of losing Zita is still overwhelming, and I know you miss her tremendously.

[devastated]

Other friends are unsympathetic because I allowed the cats to come and go through a cat door. I would never have let them out at night if I'd known the danger of cougars here.

I hate your friends for being unsympathetic here. There are way too many high and mighty people who play more or less a game of blame the victim. They act as though they could do no wrong and that whatever someone gets is the result of some misdeed or negligence on their part. Well theres two sides to everything and their 'one true way' is by no means the only way. Cats have been coming and going outdoors forever. And yes, cats have been eaten by predators and also been the predators for smaller beings forever. But many do indeed live long and productive outdoor lives. Letting the cat out at night was not what caused this to happen. Oh sure, maybe it couldn't have happened if the cat had been kept in - but what if something else had happened that night? What if someone had rolled over onto the cat during the night and injured it? What if a bookshelf had fallen onto it? Its just possible that if something was going to happen that night it would have happened no matter where the cat was. We just don't know. We can try and protect from every possible misfortune but I assure you, stuff will still happen. Just a brief example here - I was one of those to work HARD at protecting my cat from any and everything that even had potential for harm to her. I did this for almost two decades. Yet in the end, even when she was doing pretty well, things happened and she is gone. You just cannot protect from everything. The whole concept of indoor and outdoor for cats is fraught with controversy. There is the school of thought that says keep them inside to be safe yet there is the other that says a cat, as an independent being, needs some freedom and that we have no right to keep them prisoner. I think one cannot say that either way is totally and irrevocably wrong. Sure, indoor cats do tend to live longer than outdoor cats - and some are quite content and happy with the indoor life - But what of those who are not? For those, the quality of life they enjoy might just matter a whole lot more than longevity. If your cat indeed was got by a cougar, know that he might well have died doing what was most important to him - wandering around, scoping out the land, exploring, and adventuring.

[Zita'sMom]

Jan, we all take risks. You can let your child go snowboarding and (God forbid) he could break his neck. I can drive a little too fast sometimes.  Bennett goes out every day. He can - get hit by a car, get attacked by a dog, eat poison....but he is benefitting from being outdoors. There are risks to everything you do in life, otherwise you would be locked in your house with the shades down.

Paris - you made a really good point here and it's helped me to put this into perspective. There is a risk in just getting out of bed every day. But there is a bigger risk in quality of life if we never get out of bed.

My poor Zeus cat was out today despite that he isn't allowed out at night anymore. And the poor guy got bit by another cat soI had to take him to the vet to get an absess drained (not a cheap bill either!) Zeus isn't a fighter - I actually think since Zita has been gone he went looking for other cat companionship and whoever he met up with didn't want to be friends. It made me wonder if I really should keep him indoors. But he has such great joy in chasing bugs and grasshoppers and exploring the land, I just can't bring myself to making him indoor only, despite the vet bill! I think of how I myself love the outdoors and how it might be to stay inside for the rest of my life. Even the thought of it seems so depressing. However, I respect those who make that decision for their cats, and I completely understand why they do.

I have one friend who has an indoor only cat. Her cat somehow escaped, went missing, then returned 2 weeks later skinny and hungry. She wasn't injured or damaged so she must have got stuck somewhere. This happened despite every measure to keep her inside and protected.

Zita had a lot of adventures and she was a very happy cat. I suppose that is the one thing I do know despite that I feel cheated with her life being so short. I hope at Rainbow Bridge she is busy doing her Buddha kitty healing as she did so often with me. I will attach a pic, so you can see what she was like.

Thanks a lot for the support!

Jan

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[Zita'sMom]

Letting the cat out at night was not what caused this to happen. Oh sure, maybe it couldn't have happened if the cat had been kept in - but what if something else had happened that night? What if someone had rolled over onto the cat during the night and injured it? What if a bookshelf had fallen onto it? Its just possible that if something was going to happen that night it would have happened no matter where the cat was. We just don't know. ....
The whole concept of indoor and outdoor for cats is fraught with controversy. There is the school of thought that says keep them inside to be safe yet there is the other that says a cat, as an independent being, needs some freedom and that we have no right to keep them prisoner. I think one cannot say that either way is totally and irrevocably wrong.

Thanks for your support and empathy - it is so much appreciated. You are right that we just don't know what destiny has planned. Tomorrow morning I could just collapse and die, you just don't know. A good example of that is my husband, who would have probably just dropped dead if he hadn't discovered by almost sheer accident that he had a heart problem. You hear of babies dying, horrible accidents where innocent people lose lives... and these things also happen to our pets. They are just as distressing and traumatic. I like to think that Zita was so special that she was taken early so she could use her kitty healing skills in far reaching places. She was a really special cat. If there is such a thing as reincarnation I wish she could still come back to me... but I guess with life we just have to accept certain things we can't control, and manage what we can in the best way we know, balancing safety and quality of life.

I agree that the choice of keeping cats indoor or outdoor are not right or wrong, just choices that can have certain sets of consequences. Some indoor cats are totally content. On the other hand, a friend of mine had an indoor cat that became quite neurotic and her vet suggested that this cat might benefit from the outdoors. But every cat is individual and every person has individual feelings and preferences regarding these things. I don't judge anyone's choices and I have to stop feeling guilty that my own choices resulted in something very tragic in this case.

Thanks for the support. I am attaching a pic of my Zita with my border collie Sprite. Zita made such a wonderful subject for photographs because she cuddled with anyone that was willing!

Jan

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[Zita'sMom]

This is my Zita, "sleeping in" one morning.

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[Zita'sMom]

A beautiful poem in another language said that our joy and our pain springs from the same well.  How deep that well was when it brought you joy, it is made deeper when it brings you pain, all from the same source...that pain deepens the well from which your joy will spring again in time.

I thought about that all day today and I just want to thank you. I know some people are not nearly as emotional as me when they lose a pet. But perhaps it is true that the depth of joy and love we experience from our pet will also determine the pain of loss....

I remember a long time ago reading a post on another forum by someone who had lost his pet and debated whether he would ever get another because of the pain he felt in the loss. Then someone said to him "But how could you deprive yourself of all that joy?" I guess I was fortunate to experience her joy and love for at least a few years. I just hoped she we would be there for me for so much longer...

thanks again.

Jan

[toonie]

But perhaps it is true that the depth of joy and love we experience from our pet will also determine the pain of loss....

Zita's mom.

and it would seem that that pain is carving an even deeper well for the joy that will evventually spring from there so know that when the time for it comes, your joy will spring from an even deeper well, made deep by todays' pain.

Your Zita and Zeus look very much like my beloved Yukon. He and his brother were free to go out anytime they wished, oh we have had to change door knobs so many times, they got used from all the opening and closing to let the cats out/in . As he grew older, Yukon decided he mostly liked being an indoor cat, lots of food to eat (my fault ) lots of beds and sofas to sleep on, good music, etc.. Yukon got diabetes, the indoor predator, the bait was all the good food he so loved and the lack of enough exercise. Felix never cared much for the indoors or food, its the outdoors that kept him happy and he would use every chance to be outside, only cold winters kept him in with us. He was thirteen years old when he died of heart failure but even days before he died he was still chasing mice. So there.
Fate had its' own way.

[paris]

I guess I was fortunate to experience her joy and love for at least a few years.
Jan

Hello Jan.

I think what you said here is important for your healing. You must focus on this, not the 'what ifs' and 'why nots'.

You know, as we all do, that there is much danger and suffering in life. We know the expression: "Count your blessings."

A person, or pet, could develop a slow, painful disease. Someone else said that if a cougar was involved, Zita was in the state of nature and whatever happened was in an instant.

Your photographs of Zita are so incredibly sweet. She snuggles everywhere! I am so glad you have Zeus to love....

[Zita'sMom]

and it would seem that that pain is carving an even deeper well for the joy that will evventually spring from there so know that when the time for it comes, your joy will spring from an even deeper well, made deep by todays' pain.
.....
He was thirteen years old when he died of heart failure but even days before he died he was still chasing mice.  So there. Fate had its' own way.

Hello - that poem you talked abut sounds absolutely beautiful. I don't know what language it's in, but I have a friend that translates and I know some other languages. I was wondering, if you have it, if you would email it to me?

When you speak of your boy chasing mice until days before he died it reminds me of my 12 year old cat Missy who (also was allowed outdoors) died of liver cancer. She was very ill for a couple of months before she died. She would stare at the cabinets under the sink where the pipes came through, and I realized there were mice. One morning I woke up and half asleep I went to get some water and stepped on something mushy with my bare foot - yuck it was a mouse's head! She was still interested in mice in her last days also.

Having lost 4 pets over the last three years, one of disease, one of old age, one of an accident, then Zita, I find Zita's death the hardest to resolve and accept. I know I must accept it, but she was such a big part of my daily joy, that it is a very big adjustment. Someone said to me that when one cat is lost it is a point to remember that there are countless cats needing new homes. I thought about finding another friend for Zeus, but I know he would never be so close to a new cat as he was to Zita. Also, with 5 dogs and Zeus any new pet would initially upset the balance and it could be a disaster. I could never replace my Zita - another cat would probably be a disappointment. So for now I will give Zeus lots of extra attention and hope he will be okay as the only feline.

One thing I do know is all of your empathy is extremely therapeutic and I appreciate it greatly!

Thank you and hugs to all who are hurting after losing a special furry friend.
Jan

[Zita'sMom]

You know, as we all do, that there is much danger and suffering in life. We know the expression: "Count your blessings."

Hello Paris

I guess if we accept that part of the human experience includes suffering, and realize we are not alone in this experience, then the next step is learning how to cope with that suffering and turn that energy from guilt and self blame into something more productive. I am not sure exactly how this applies to my life yet. I know that when I lost my cat Missy, I finally decided that I must get another cat, and that's how I met Zita and Zeus. In this case, it's not the right timing for another cat, but a big part of the challenge of grief is figuring out what to do with it in those moments when it overcomes you...

thanks for your thoughts.

Jan

[toonie]

Hi Zita's mom, I think you are very wise to let Zeus be an only cat, I too felt that Yukon would never adapt to another because he was almost from the start always with Felix and those rare occasions where he ventured away from the house to the barn area where there are other cats I could see that he didn't want anything to do with any other cat than his brother. Your dogs will be company enough for Zeus, at least for now.
You will know, you seem like a very smart lady

That poem I had was in French but I googled the first line and was able to find it translated into English..I shall be googling for more works by this author because I find his stuff very good. Here it is for all of you here:
---------------------------------------------------------------
Joy and Sorrow
by Khalil Gibran


Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter
rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that
was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very
wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart
and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow
that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and
others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.'

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board,
remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your
sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and
balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold
and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow
rise or fall.

[Zita'sMom]

I love that poem, Joy and Sorrow. It is so true that if our pets did not give us so much joy we would never feel so much pain in losing them.

I like to believe there is meaning in the things that happen in our lives. That later we look back and say "This had to happen, so that this could happen... etc etc."

However right now it just seems like life has played a cruel joke. Normally I believe there are angels watching over us, and I think to myself, "Where were they when Zita was taken?"

One thing I don't understand in nature is the instinct to kill. I've always thought of nature as harmonious and balanced, but natural forces ended the life of my Zita, far too soon for me.

I had to euthanize my 17 year old dog last year, and it was really painful - he was my partner, my child, my best friend. But I told myself that if nature could have taken him, his life would have ended much sooner. He had care through human intervention that stretched his life far longer than it would have been in nature.

My Zita loved to catch mice and it is grotesque and ironic that she was hunted and killed by a cat in the same way. I can't help thinking how strange and horrible that is. We humans kill to eat also. There seems to be a certain violence in the balance of existence. I can't really make sense of it.

Jan

[toonie]

I have had to same thoughts, from the angels guiding us then wondering why they allowed certain things to happen in the way they did and observing how fragile this life on earth is....I don't know the answers either, who does, but a bit of advice I received from a very wise teacher once said: Accept life and life will accept you, curse life and life will curse you.

ne thing I don't understand in nature is the instinct to kill. I've always thought of nature as harmonious and balanced, but natural forces ended the life of my Zita, far too soon for me.

Who knows perhaps we all come with our own predetermined script and not much can be done about it, as you have seen, inside cats sometimes have that same bad luck so how else can we explain this. We are clueless, we can only accept and do our best to continue. Maybe we all need to suffer and this is how it is done, by loving and losing
but never losing the experience only today I can frankly say that for me, it was better to have loved and lost my loves than to never have had them at all. It took time to come out with this, it wouldn't have been sincere a while ago but today, I still cry sometimes but I am so so grateful for having known these precious souls and hopefully having them to join when my life is done here. Hope keeps my heart warm, despite the cold.

[Zita'sMom]

...a bit of advice I received from a very wise teacher once said: Accept life and life will accept you, curse life and life will curse you. 

I only today I can frankly say that for me, it was better to have loved and lost my loves than to never have had them at all.  It took time to come out with this, it wouldn't have been sincere a while ago but today, I still cry sometimes but I am so so grateful for having known these precious souls and hopefully having them to join when my life is done here. 

I think it's true that our perspective creates our lives.

I was reading another post and thinking about whether if I knew bad things would happen to Zita would I still have chosen her. In a way, it is much harder that I did know her because I never in the past expected a cat to be such a healing force and so peaceful and balanced. Had I never met her, I would never would have known and I would not be going through so much pain. I feel like I was given far too little of her - I know that sounds really selfish, but I guess I am still at a selfish stage of my grieving for her. It is like in the poem you posted - "Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced." The less you love, the less you hurt. Perhaps this is why people avoid love and closeness sometimes. Because numbness is preferable to the deep pain of loss.

I am sure my perspective will get better.

Last night a neighbour came over to say an orange tabby was in their yard and my husband and I went over with our flashlights but saw nothing. I know there is another orange tabby in the neighbourhood, but that faint hope returned for a fleeting moment. Zita was so people-friendly, it just makes no sense that she would hide from people and not return. I still wish for a miracle but everything points to what I already know as the most probable truth.

I had a very weird dream last night - still not sure exactly what it means...

There was an artist of sorts and she was dissecting a dead cougar, and I was assisting. She was cutting around his limbs with an exacto knife. As I watched, the cougar lifted its head and looked helpless and empty. I told her the cougar was alive. She said "Oh no that's just reflexes." But I knew it was alive. I felt pain and empathy for this powerful animal that was helpless and hopeless.

Weird - interpretations? Maybe it is to do with my own feeling that Zita is dead but the wish that she be alive and my own feelings of helplessness. I am spending countless hours "dissecting" what happened, but in the end I don't blame the cougar, even though I do wonder about the balance of nature and its cruel ways.

I think it will be awhile until I am able to look at the bright side of my loss of Zita. Perhaps I will never be resolved with her loss at this young age. But maybe there is something I can at least learn from this. Perhaps this is the emotional place from which poets discover their poetry and artists create their artwork.....

Jan.