It's So Hard Options

[j4lorn]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading here for a few days, a million thanks to the man who started this forum/website, and to all of you.

I had an English Setter named Jake that I had to put down last tuesday morning, it's been one week. He was 11 years old, he would have been 12 in November -- but he didn't seem like an old dog at all yet, he was just beginning to show his age with some weakness in his back legs due to arthritis in his spine, they said.

Two weeks ago he suddenly, out of NOWHERE, had a grand mal seizure as we were watching TV at about 7:30 pm. He was on the couch with my hus, then he got off to sit next to me for a pet, then he walked over to the front window to look out. I turned about 15 seconds after he left my side to look at him, see what he was up to, I always did this out of habit. I could not believe my eyes. He was on the floor on his back having a grand mal seizure, his legs were going every which way. It was awful. The whole thing lasted under a minute or 90 seconds at the most, but it seemed like forever. And when he got up, he was of course dazed, and he started wandering around the house, pacing. I got him confined to our bedroom where he slept comfortably all night.

The next morning we took him to our vet who was absolutely ZERO help -- he was more interested in chewing us out for not leaving the dog with him all day long in a cage than interested in helping our dog or guiding us in what to do/expect. I will hate this man until I die. He did not even take our dog's temp.

Read on the net that pacing and confusion is normal after a seizure, long story short both continued and seemed to get worse with moments of lucidity. Finally last Monday evening he looked really weak so we took him to the ER clinic and asked for fluids to be given over night, the doc there wanted to just put him down then but I had to at least give him a chance. The next morning we came back, and he was somewhat stronger but sleepy I think from valium they had given him over night; we were strongly encouraged to put him down then and I finally consented, with many many tears, because I knew he was too damaged from the seizure or whatever caused it to ever recover, he could not walk/pace without falling and he was having trouble eating and drinking. He was aware enough that morning after the IV to be trembling at being at a vets, he always trembled at the vets, and it crushed my heart not to be able to take him home.

So now, I can't stop crying and my husband is dealing with it by trying not to think about it at all. He wants me to stop talking about it or crying. But I can't stop thinking about it all, I miss him so much, and it seemed like his life was cut short so suddenly by who knows what. It was clear he was never going to get his walking/eating/drinking control back ever, the seizure did too much damage. So I had to agree it was time to let him go before it got alot worse. I had to do it for him. I guess.

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I loved him so much.
I am grateful to board for just even exisiting, i feel no one wants to hear it in my 3D life.
but i am shattered inside.

I love my dog so much.

[SJ J & S]

Everyone says it’s the kindest thing to do but no one mentions just how hard it is going to be for you after.

Take one minute at a time and encourage your husband to open up and have a cry too, the worst thing you can do is bottle this up.

In your heart you know you did the right thing at the right time, now your brain is trying to make sense of something it just cannot understand.

Be gentle with yourself if there is one thing we all agree on from our experiences its that we have all tried to torture ourselves and for some reason punish ourselves for not keeping them alive when we all knew at that time that it was all that could be done. Even those whose pets have died naturally have punished themselves for not doing this and not doing that, its all part of the grieving process.

Cry as much and for as long as is needed, the tears will help you to heal and one day you will catch yourself smiling at the memories.

Take Care
Love Sue

[Muffins]

Hi:

I was happy to read that you have been reading here for a few days, but, I AM REALLY happy that you decided to
come on board, and share your story.
It is very, very sad when someone needs to find a pet-grief site - but, if you had to find one at all; I am
sincerely grateful that you came here, to Lightning Strike.

Doing what you did one week ago for your sweet, beloved Jake, will most likely be one of the hardest
things that you will ever have to do, in this lifetime.

IT REALLY IS THE MOST UNSELFISH AND LOVING THING YOU COULD DO FOR YOUR PRECIOUS FURDOG!!!

*****After our sweet Ernestine was put to sleep, a wonderful, wise person on this site, said to me:
Denise, you took on Ernestine's pain, so that she could finally be without pain.*****

Please, I want you to know that Jake loves you SO VERY MUCH, for helping him to pass on. I know that on 2/7/2004, when we decided to have our girl Ernestine put to sleep....it was a very hard thing to do. The hardest thing that I
have ever done so far in my 43 years of life!!
But, it was HARDER SEEING OUR GIRL ILL, AND NOT ABLE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE WITHOUT PAIN AND ILLNESS!!

If we had to do it again, we would, in a second. She's not suffering anymore!! She is having a great time at
Rainbow's Bridge, and is running & chasing butterflies, and playing with friends....

It does sound very much like Jake DID suffer from a grand mal seizure

Jakes brain function and body, would not have recovered for him to have had a good quality of life at all!

Your sweet Jake is at Rainbow's Bridge right now, and he is having a wonderful time.... First of all, he is just
perfect -- his whole body works just fine.
Jake's back legs are are very, very strong and there is no more arthritis in his spine.

He's running and jumping and playing with all of our sweet furbabies that have gone on before.
Jake is happy now, and he thanks you!!!!

Please, just know that you can come here whenever you want, and speak freely, my new friend.....

We have all "been there";
some of us have been here for awhile, and others came aboard during the week, and
like yourself, some came here within 24 - 48 hours.

In the beginning, I stayed on this site almost constantly -- and, I just kept typing, and I felt as if I was just
rambling.
It was a good thing I had learned to type, because I would not have been able to see the keys.
My eyes were sooo very puffy, from constantly crying.

Believe me, we all understand what you are going through!
No one here WILL EVER say that, "You shouldn't
be feeling that", or, "Why are you still crying?", etc., etc., etc....

You will receive sooooooo much love, caring and support! Everyone here, TO ME, I consider very, very
good and special friends.....even family members, for that matter.
I have received, and keep receiving, soooo much understanding, love, support, kindness, etc., etc....
I am very, very lucky!

I cried & cried so many tears, and they helped me soooooooo much....
They helped to "heal me"....
Please, do not suppress that "urge to cry"..... You cannot and shouldn't keep such a
STRONG EMOTION INSIDE!!!

There are men who post on this site, who have lost their furkids.
Some men can be open with their feelings, and some keep their feelings to themselves, or friends.
I am sure that your husband is dealing with his pain and sadness in "his own way"....

One thing that might be a great idea for you, since your husband would prefer that "you don't talk about it, right now", is: Start writing in a journal.

But, you may have to tell your husband that "you need to express your feelings out loud"..
I know that I could not "keep it all inside and not talk about it, at home" --- It Could not have been done!!

I have used the "tool of writing" my whole life, in helping me to "deal with things".. Really, it does help!
You could even write letters to your sweet Jake.

Well, please keep coming here often (please), to let us know how you are doing.
I care/we all care

Thinking of you....

Love, Denise

[gingerspal]

Dear j4lorn,

I am so sorry about Jake!! What a tragedy--!! I am betting this is just tearing you up inside--I know it would me! Jake was probably alot like your "kid" (we have alot of people here on this site who are VERY "invested" in their pets!) --I don't care how anyone else judges such a thing, I know that when I lost Ginger (that's him there in my avatar) I felt that is was the most devasting thing that had ever happened to me EVER (and I have had my fair share of "normal" losses during my life). I sense your losing Jake (especially how it happened) also qualifies as your darkest hour. My heart goes out to you!! I wish with all my heart that I could give you a real life hug. {{{{{{{{{{{{j4lorn!!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I too had a "problem" getting over some of the images that were burned into my brain pertaining to Ginger's accident and last days. Watching your animal endure a physical crisis really is unparelleled in the HORRIBLE department--so let's just say that you are more than entitled to have all the feelings that you are currently having. Watching what you watched was a trauma to you, plain and simple. I too had to grapple with a great deal of "uneven-ness" in my household about the grief. This thread is about you and your loss, not me and mine but I can briefly tell you that my significant other ran over my cat in our own driveway and that my significant other never did seem to "care" as much as I did about the accident (or the end result which were huge bills and the worst possible outcome). You can bet this was VERY upsetting to me!!! How could he not feel as bad as I did??? How could he not be excrutiatingly upset???? I cried and cried and got more and more mad at him--!! I think after about two weeks of solid upsetedness (is that a word?) I really lashed out at him and let him have it. I was a powderkeg of feelings and he was like ".....what is done is done" etc. I don't know if the same will be true in your experience but I found out a couple things. Men really do not show emotions as much as we do. Men are definately more "action" oriented (they don't "dwell" like we do) I do understand that my S.O. had to come to grips with the accident pretty quickly otherwise he would have spent a whole bunch of time feeling miserable about something he could not undo. I also know that he would never have "intentionally" hurt Ginger. Since I knew that I had to start forgiving him (which I have done nearly 95%--I still have a qualm or two). I guess I can also accept that I was indeed more attached to Ginger than he was. That is accurate.

We humans are able to choose our attitude about everything. Absolutely everything! Victor Frankl wrote a beautiful book titled Man's Search for Meaning..in it he describes the horrific beatings he endured at the hands of guards in a concentration camp. He realized that "they" could take everything away from him except his ability to choose how he thought about what happened to him! You and I can re-visit the visions of the final TERRIBLE ordeals that our beloved pets went through quite endlessly...or--we can choose to be really really happy that we had these special guys for the time we did. One poster here always advises that when you are crying really hard about your animal that you should shift your thought to something your pet did that always made you laugh..it is guaranteed that you will go from tears to a smile. This exercise isn't meant to be a cover up for your "real" (and current) emotions but it will really teach you about how sadness can be replaced with something better. It is so early for you and it will be awhile before you will think of Jake's happier images---but I have been where you are and I can tell you --it will all get better! Promise!

Don't worry about not being able to talk much with h about this--you have us. we are here. There was a day when I couldn't read something like you wrote..I wouldn't have been able to get through it--(I always avoided anything "sad" about animals) but because I have walked a mile in your shoes, I not only can read and totally empathize with your story, I extend my hand to you in the kinship that we share. I know how you feel--!!

Later, when you feel like it perhaps you will put up a photo of your beautiful Jake and maybe write up a description of some happy times with him. Those types of things will help you to heal--it is a process and you will feel better as you steadily put one foot in front of another day by day.
Jake is very happy right now--playing and cavorting..young and free! You honor his contribution to your life by treating yourself really well over this..do all you can to understand and respect your own feelings.
Thinking of you!
Patti

[Stymy's Mom]

Dear j4lorn,

I am so sorry for your loss of Jake! You came to the right place. I too had to put my dog Stymy to sleep. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He had lymphoma and couldn't walk any more.

In you heart you know you did the right thing but your mind plays tricks on you. Please listen to your heart. I have trouble with that put I am working on it everyday.

My husband is the same way. He dosen't want to talk about it at all. Me, that is all I want to do. I want to remember everything about Stymy good and bad. He had a great personality and I don't want to forget anything about him. Remembering Stymy helps me to greive in a positive way. So that is why I came here so I can talk to people who feel the same as I do.

Stymy passed on the 16th of August. Since then I have been trying to do things in his memory. I wrote a thank you letters to the person who gave Stymy to me to let her know he was happy and loved. That is important to remember that you gave Jake 11 1/2 years of happiness and love. You gave him love and a happy home and inreturn he gave you unconditional love. Remember that love is always unconditional and where ever he is he still loves you.

I have to tell you the only time I can get my husband to talk about Stymy is when I remember a special time with him and can laugh about it. He laughs too.

It has only been two weeks since Stymy has passed and I have bad days and good days but I think each bad day wasn't as bad as the last. So it is improving all the time. I just wish it would improve faster!

Love and belief,
Stymy's Mom (Vicki)

[deedee]

I am so sorry for your loss. I had Oswald euthanized after his kidneys started failing. The last weeks of his life are burned into my memory. However, now that he has been gone for more than two months, I have started remembering him at the different stages in his life, not just the memories of him looking old and unwell at the end. The memories are becoming much broader, and that is a good thing. I am remembering him as a kitten, a young cat, an old cat and everything inbetween. I am sure that shift will happen with you with Jake - you are remembering the last few days, rather than the years you spent together. That is natural. It is still very new and the grief is a fresh wound. There are always the "what ifs" to deal with when we have to help ease their pain. You are going through that, too. Jake loved you and you loved him. Ultimately, that is the important part, but is is tough to focus on that in these early stages of the grief process. You hurt because of the great love you had.

[MAXIESMOMMY]

Dear J4lorn,
We welcome you with open arms. Everyone here wants to talk and talk about what happened because that is what is helping us through this painful process. My husband and I both are grieving differently. I had to have all Max's things out of the house and my office before I could go into either one of them. My husband, on the other hand, wanted to preserve his memories so he would see all his little reminders. I went so far as to wanting to sell my house, but I have come to my senses. Little by little I am coming around to putting more things back out and have planned to make one shelf in my curio all about Max. I haven't been able to do it yet, but that is what I will do when the time comes. Anyway......my whole point of this is to let you know your husband is grieving, but in a way that is different from yours. Maybe you can get him to read some of our posts, or maybe you can't. You may feel he is not supportive of you right now, but maybe in time you will both be at the same place. As for now, you have all of us at anytime.

We are here for you
Carol

[j4lorn]

Thank you all for your replies.

Sue, it's so true, no one mentions how hard this it is going to be. My husband has cried too, he was there at the vets when we decided and he cried then, he told me later he almost passed out during the last moments. My hus runs long distance in the foothills here and also mountain bikes, and Jake, a very athletic dog, was always with him out there and would breeze by on the road, proud to be beating my hus, he'd turn his head as he passed my hus and calmly gaze as his body and legs kept running forward, as if to say, see, I can beat you without even looking where I am going! with one hand tied behind my back! My hus had gone out for a mtn bike ride a few days after and he said he stopped at the top of a climb and had a water-bottle toast and a moment for Jake.

Denise, thanks for all your comforting words, I really like that "you took on his pain so that he could finally be without pain" -- something I will gladly do for him. It does make this easier to look at it that way. He would not have wanted to live with all the brain damage he suffered, I don't know what understanding he had of what was left, but I am sure it was no fun at all.

Pattie, oh Pattie you said so many things there that were right on the mark! It's true, we don't have children, and we've moved alot so I don't have alot of friends in my area, and I work at home so Jake was with me 24/7, literally by my side almost every second of the day. He was such a sweet dog, more than anything I just miss his companionship, it was great to hang with him. We have another dog too, a cattle dog who is my hus' main pet, and cattle dogs are one person dogs essentially. I know my hus misses Jake too but it's not the same as what I feel, I know that and it's ok now, but for a few days there I really didn't like my hus because of that. Which was probably not fair to him but he's lucky, it passed! Also, guess what, I HAVE that Frankl book around here somewhere, I was actually thinking about it a couple of days before you posted that. I got it used and never got around to reading it, but the title was so intriguing I had to buy it. Time to dig it out I think. I have gone over and over in my mind what happened with Jake, and over and over whether or not I could have done things different or could have known. I have finally come to accept that no matter what caused the seizure, Jake would not have wanted to live with such serious brain damage. Accepting that has brought some peace.

Vicki, I feel the same way you do, I don't want to forget and when my husband won't talk about Jake, it makes me feel like he's just gone and forgotten so quickly, and it is sad. But I know my hus is remembering, I really think it is a male thing, and I know for a fact he does not want to cry, he told me that. I'd rather cry until I can't cry anymore, if that makes any sense.

deedee, you hit the nail on the head too, it's been 19 days since the seizure and 11 days since the end, but at first all I could think about, everytime I looked at that spot by the window in the living room where he fell, all I could see was the seizure and how he was afterwards. That is starting to fade quite a bit. I really really miss my dog but I think I have just gone over what happened enough in my mind so that I can start to move on. It was such a shock.

Carol, you sound just like my hus -- that is funny you thought about selling your house, I think my husband has been wanting to sell me!!! oh well~! I know he is grieving in his own way, although at first I didn't know what to think of his reaction to it all. But a couple of times he has cried about it out of the blue, I know he was really attached to Jake, in fact we picked up Jakes ashes yesterday and he was much more emotional about it than I was, probably because I have already been crying for two weeks. I had to drive us home. I think we are getting to the point now where we are both on the same page, it is evening out.

[gingerspal]

j4lorn! hope one of these days you will post a photo--I am betting your Jake was a beauty--what a wonderful picture you painted of him "overtaking" your husband on the highway! lol--that whole description made me smile...and I bet it did you too! Jake was one-of-a-kind--that really comes across!
glad you quickly understood the "differences" between how your husband handled it versus how you did. Every individual seems to have variables in that department--and as you have already learned it seems sad feelings (and even happy feeings) come and go in waves. It still bugs me that I know I will always miss Ginger more than Dave ever will--but at least I no longer feel like driving over all his photographic equipment or anything (lol--I actually did have a moment where I thought about it..I was pretty upset)--anyway it seems we are all on the mend--I'll be looking forward (maybe) to seeing your photos one day of Jake!
Love,
Patti
P.S. That Frankl book is a classic. I got to see him speak once many years ago and he was an amazingly humble man.

[zoeysdad]

j4lorn,

I know exactly how you feel. It is very tramatic and devastating for a pet to become ill so suddenly. It's strange how we seem to take a pets good health for granted. Like you, I had assumed my dog would live to be 17 or 18 years old. He was almost 12 and I knew he couldn't live forever, but I thought I'd have him for several more years.

I've learned it's perfectly normal for us to second-guess ourselves. We loved our pets so much it seems we should have been able to do something to keep them here a while longer. The truth is there is no good way to lose a pet.

Some of us have had to make the decision as to whether to euthanize or not; others have lost their pets due to an accident, etc. It doesn't really matter how the pet died, the result is the same. It seems we all go through the same emotions. Shock, denial, guilt, anger--it is as another poster said "Just part of the grieving process."

That certainly doesn't make the pain of our loss any easier to bear, but it's a step by step process we must go through to reach a place where we our at peace with ourselves for doing what we thought was right at the time. None of us would ever do anything that wasn't in the best interest of our pets

Jake was a wonderful and faithful friend to you for almost 12 years. You were truly blessed to have each other. He had a great life here on earth because of you. Find comfort in knowing that.

The pain we're feeling right now won't last forever. It will slowly fade and in time, surely we'll reach a point where we can remember our beloved pets with smiles and laughter-----no tears.

Until then, please just keep visiting this website and talk as much about Jake as you need to. You'll always find people here who really care and we're always willing to listen.

Thinking of you,
__Jim

[j4lorn]

oh this hurts so bad. I just want him back..

here is one of my favorite pics of my Jake, he was watching my hus out on the porch getting ready to go out for a mountain bike ride. He would NEVER cross the door threshold, look where his feet are! This is one of my favorite pictures of him, taken just last year. He was so sweet.

just shutting off the computer for the night, I had put this on my desktop earlier today.
Maybe that was a mistake...

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[gingerspal]

oh j4lorn--Jake is sooooooo beautiful!! what a wonderful face he has--and yes, you are so right-- that stance at the door is too precious! Was he taught to stay like that for obiedience purposes? I can certainly see that Jake was all sweetness and charm! One day you should also post this photo over on the memorial and tributes page along with some of your remembrances of your Jake. Many of us have done just that, it helps in the process of grieving....and I think it also helps others who get to read about your special relationship. I never thought I would ever willingly read about pet loss...but I have been comforted most by reading other people's accounts of their experiences with the pet who brought them here to this website.
Most of the time those tributes are filled with the brightest moments..the wonderful memories that can not be extinquished by separation.
I can see how big a dog Jake was--how he must of filled your house! how empty it must seem now--but he is still with you jrlorn---he is always with you now, a permanent fixture in your heart and mind. Love is much stronger than anything, nothing on Heaven or Earth can keep apart those who love.
{{{{{{{{{{{{j4lorn}}}}}}}}}}}}}!!

[LittleGirl's...]

You did all the right things. And I'm so glad you found this site. I'll keep you in my prayers throughout this journey. We're all in this together.

What a gorgeous, handsome boy!!

Love,

Kathy

[j4lorn]

Bad day here, it's two months tomorrow since Jake died. I miss him so much, this will sound stupid but sometimes I feel like he was the love of my life. In a way he really was. My doodlebug. I can't quit crying, forget about typing up a tribute for him today like I had planned.... so here's a couple of my favorite pictures of him and, schmaltzy as it is, all I can think of today is Barry Manilow's song "Can't Smile Without You" - it even starts with Barry whistling, remember? Why does this have to hurt so much. :(

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[j4lorn]

CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
you see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
if you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

you came along just like a song
and brightened my day
who would have believed that you were part of a dream
now it all seems light years away

and now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
you see I feel sad when your sad
I feel glad when you're glad
if you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile

now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me

and you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
you see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
if you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

[Darebaby]

I am sooo sorry. I just lost my baby 6 days ago. I am still a wreck...but I HAVE to talk about it. That is why I come hear. My boyfriend has never been close to a dog so I know he's tired of hearing all the stories I have of our lifetime together. I also suggest writing your thoughts in a journal. That is another release. You will find that there are always people on this site that are going through what you are going through. It really is the place I have been coming to for support. We all need it. Especilly through out all the different stages of our grief.

[Darebaby]

I am sooo sorry. I just lost my baby 6 days ago. I am still a wreck...but I HAVE to talk about it. That is why I come hear. My boyfriend has never been close to a dog so I know he's tired of hearing all the stories I have of our lifetime together. I also suggest writing your thoughts in a journal. That is another release. You will find that there are always people on this site that are going through what you are going through. It really is the place I have been coming to for support. We all need it. Especilly through out all the different stages of our grief.

[j4lorn]

Thank you Darebaby - I can't say anything else right now. I can see why people don't want another dog after one they love dies, but I can't see living without one either, I think that would make life too grim.

You wonder why all of this ever has to happen at all. It makes no sense.

[gingerspal]

you won't hear any objections from me--about some pets being "the love of ones life" --! No wonder you fell hook line and sinker--look at that face! I love that you called him "doodlebug". Isn't it funny how a pet has the "official" name and then we give them about three or four others?? He is just a beauty.... ... {{{{{{{{{{{{{j4lorn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[j4lorn]

Oh boy, I am having a rough few days. It's been two months exactly now, and although I wasn't anticipating this 'anniversary' or anything, it feels almost like the first day again. I just want him back, he was the BEST dog, he never ran away, he wouldn't even go out an open door or gate, he just wanted to be home with us. Such a sweetheart. He would never snatch food off the table like our cattle dog will -- he'd just sit there, very gentlemanly, and wait for you to catch on to what he wanted and give him a little. Yes we spoil our dogs, occassional table food. :)

Jake was just such a good good dog. I really loved him.

I have dreams too but it's been about the real event - I keep dreaming/seeing the last morning at the vets office. I wish I could wipe that out of my memory. He'd been there all night, they gave him valium and fluids so actually he was looking much better, but he still would not have recovered what he'd lost and I know that. When they brought him into the room that morning, soon as he saw us he started trembling like he always did at the vets, he hated it there. I wanted to take him home so bad. It broke my heart. I read about people whose English setters are 14 or 16 and it kills me, it's so unfair, Jake didn't even make 12. I wish he didn't have to die, and I wish he didn't have to die at the vets. What am I gonna do. I guess it just takes time.

2 months is not that long. I guess it's not unrealistic that I still feel this way, is it? My husband doesn't want to talk about it.

See, as time goes on, I am realizing that Jake had either a brain tumor or a leaking aneurysm in his brain. And that means he was probably having pain, headaches, nausea (he wasn't eating as much the couple of weeks prior but I thought it was because of the heat...) and after, he was probably much more hungry and thirsty than I realized - it took me awhile to realize part of his mouth seemed to be paralyzed. Poor Jake, I wish they could talk and tell us what is wrong, I wish I could have helped him.

Denise, what you said to me, and what you tell everyone new here, is the only thing helping right now:

"*****After our sweet Ernestine was put to sleep, a wonderful, wise person on this site, said to me:
Denise, you took on Ernestine's pain, so that she could finally be without pain.*****