My Baby Max Options

[MAXIESMOMMY]

I have never posted to a board before. I hope this makes sense when it appears. My beloved Max, a Lhasa Apso with the most beautiful eyes, passed away so suddenly on August 18. I don't know how to stop crying at home. I was away on vacation and my husband was home taking care of him because he only had one kidney so we took seperate vacations so one of us would always be with him. Max had been itching and itching so he brought him for an oatmeal bath at the groomers. He still continued to itch after that, so he called the vet and started him on baby Benedryl. Now Max developed a rash so he took the day off and brought him to the vet. He told Max that the vet was going to make him all better and they went bye bye in the car. Max never came home. He had a heart attack while they were doing a skin graft. The vet tried and tried to revive him. After a while, he told my husband that if Max did revive, he would be brain damaged. Our baby was so smart. He knew lots of commands and would pick out the toy we told him to get. I am just devastated. I cry and cry. I am having him cremated because we live in a townhouse and I can't bury him outside. I thought of a pet cemetary, but I knew he wouldn't want to be so far away from his mommy and daddy. How will I get through bringing his ashes home????? How can I look at that every day and know he's in there and I can't hold him and rub his little head? He won't be able to give me little wet kisses anymore. Please, please help me. He was my first and only dog and my first tragedy to have to deal with. I feel so hollow inside. My life will never be the same. Carol

[gingerspal]

Dear Carol,
I am so sorry you lost your beloved baby Max! My heart is breaking for you, I KNOW precisely how you feel!
You did not indicate how old Max was but I can tell you that it doesn't matter how old he was, his death would affect you this same way whether he had been 4 or 6 or 8 or 16. I can also advise you that no matter how he died you would be devastated. If he died after a very long and a seemingly "complete" life you would still be crushed as you are right this moment. No way is a "good" way for our furry buddies to leave us. You sound so much like me..taking separate vacations and so forth! Our pet-less counterparts must think we are pretty strange going to some of the extremes we go to in order to protect our little charges. You invested so much of your daily energy into Max. Now you must face the heart wrenching physical separation that all of us here have endured. I do know that your heart feels ripped out. I know you are currently in the "raw" stage where everything seems surreal and like a waking nightmare. Your Max left you "suddenly" ..which makes it all the harder to take. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't find many ways to blame yourself. There is not a poster here who hasn't. But the reason for that is because of the total commitment you have to Max. You were responsible for everything for him! It stands to reason that after such a long time of providing for his every need you also wanted to "control" everything even down to the day when Max was called to the rainbow bridge. I too wanted to keep my Ginger protected and healthy for many many years to come. But it was not to be.

You are correct that the ashes thing is fairly emotional. I cried and cried and cried on the day I got Ginger's ashes. For one thing I was very taken aback with how small the container was. Ginger was a huge cat, close to 18 pounds..when I picked up the receptacle he was in it was something the size of a tea tin! Since I couldn't make any "urn" decisions I just took the standard issue and it was a very ugly tin. I just sat on the porch with it (as I had sat on the porch with my live Ginger) and cried an ocean. Carol, you will too. But we were given tears to cry for a purpose. Tears help us. It doesn't feel like it when you are in the midst of crying...but tears make it so that we can bear it. It has often been written here...go ahead and cry the healing tears.

It has been awhile since that day for me on the porch. I got a beautiful new container. Someone here told me to keep the ashes in the plastic liner to make the transfer. Wow, was I glad for that advise because I just couldn't think straight about anything in the beginning. Now I am so happy that I have the ashes. In the beginning I wrote a note to Ginger practically every single night. Saying goodnight to Ginger was a ritual I didn't want to interrupt. In time you will be glad you have Max with you. Nothing I say will make the process any easier...but know that I am thinking of you and giving you a big hug. I know what you are going through is just as hard as a person losing a beloved person! I know it. I have been there. I am still there. Knowing how much this all hurts now I bet you still would not trade any of the time you had with Max for a serene Max-less life. Me either. I wouldn't trade for a Ginger-less life even though his parting was a most angst-ridden episode of my life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my new friend. When you are up to it please consider posting a photo and a tribute on the memorial page. You may feel this keeps you in grief but paradoxically it helps you to describe your relationship with Max. Best of all there are folks here who will lend an ear and no one here will ever tell you you shouldn't be feeling what you are feeling.
Max is 100% happy and carefree, whole and beautiful and young cavorting at the Rainbow Bridge. He has no pain and he is just playing until the day when you will be reunited. Love doesn't die with the physical body. Your Max is still with you and you are still with him!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Write anytime. We're here.
Love,
Patti
P.S. My last pet before Ginger was my Lhasa Apso. Mine was white and orange.

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

I must first say - I am so sorry for your loss. My Edgar also died while I was out of town - my partner took care of the situation, but I was devastated and felt horribly lost and helpless.

You need to understand that the hollowness you feel will take a long time to heal. Losing a loved one, especially one that depends on you totally, is not easy. It is a difficult and painful process and you need to give yourself time...

I can tell how much Max meant to you - we all do. We are here for you to talk through your problems and feelings and assist with your healing process. Slowly, over time, you will see that the memories will remain, the pain will lessen, and what will be left are the wonderful memories of a smart and loving friend.

[Stymy's Mom]

Carol,

I too am very sorry for your loss. I lost my "little boy" Stymy on the 16th from cancer. You and your husband must have loved Max very much to take seperate vacations.

I am trying to get through myself. I cry at the drop of the hat. But I find if I do something in his honor it helps. For example I did alittle memoral in the kitchen (his favorite room) with his picture, his toy and flowers from my yard so I can talk to him in the morning when I get up and at night before I go to bed. I have been reading some animal loss books. For some reason it gives me comfort.

I can understand how you feel about bringing home the ashes ... I pick Stymy's ashes up tomorrow. I hope I can wait to get home to cry.

This is a great web site and there are a few others out there also. I know in time the pain will pass and all the wonderful memories will remain.
Love and Belief,
Vic

[zoeysdad]

Hi Carol,
First of all, thanks for the email you sent me concerning my loss. It was very saddening to learn you lost Max, also a Lhasa Apso, on the same day I lost my Little Man. In your email you described exactly how I'm feeling. I so sorry for your loss and I wish I could tell you how to get through it, but the truth is it's not something that's going to happen overnight.
I've gotten a lot of really go advice from members of this website, people who have loved and lost as we have and they are people with BIG hearts who really do care.

I've been visiting this site over the past few days and taken the advice given by other pet lovers. Most of them are a little further along with the grieving process than you and I. I've been reading posts left by others and I've learned the feelings I'm having right now are the same as most people who have lost a dear pet. And I'm planning on writing a tribute to by Little Man sometime in the future and posting a few pictures of him as well. You really should look at the tribute section of this web site and read the tributes and view the pictures left by others in memory of their pets. It's helped me a lot and as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

From your post, I gathered that your husband was very close to little Max too. Please don't let him grieve in silence. Sometimes we men try to be macho and pretend we're not hurting but trust me, even if he's not showing it, his heart is broken too.

May God bless and keep you both,
--Jim

[BabyHannahsMom]

Oh Carol,
I hardly know what to say right this moment. I too know the awful, awful loss you are feeling -- how is it possible that the world keeps going on, the sun keeps shining, and people are laughing and smiling and happy, but not you? Your heart is broken, I know. You were such wonderful, loving, caring parents to Max. What good care you took of him. I have no doubt he knew he was the king of your hearts and that you would have done anything in the world to save him. As Patti said, it was not to be. My heart breaks for you. I will be thinking of you and will say a prayer for you.

The days, weeks and months to come will not be easy. It has been 4+ months since I had to have my little Hannah girl put to sleep and I still long to see her and hold her again. I miss her so very much. It takes time. Max was your baby, and we here on this site understand that this loss is as significant as any other loss -- like a child, because they were our children. Please keep coming to this site and "talking" as much as you need to. It helps so very much when people understand how you feel, and we all do.

Bless you and please take care of yourselves. Do remember that Max loved you more than anything in the world, and he would not want you to be hurting so. And remember too that he KNEW he was totally loved by both of you.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom

[MAXIESMOMMY]

I want to thank everyone so much for replying to me with such comforting words. Each of you has helped me in your own way. I wish I could hug all of you. It really really helps to know that I am not the only one who is walking around in a state of shock, denial, disbelief, guilt, overwhelming sadness, tear streaked face, and just a plain old emptiness where there once was so much more.

Thank you all again.
Love, Carol

[gingerspal]

Carol--it is so sad you had to come here---but nevertheless I am so glad that you did.
You and zoeysdad have reminded me how wonderful my Lhasa Apso was--she has been gone a number of years now but I am going to find a photo of her and put up a tribute to her too...all our animals in our lives are so special! One leading to the next...The relationships we have with our animal friends are like a beautiful tapestry that is woven with gold thread!!
I wish I could give you a hug too!
Love,
patti

[Solasmom]

Dear Carol,

I am so sorry for your loss. What devotion you had for your Max. He was a lucky boy indeed. I wish that there was something I could say that would help. All I can do is offer a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. We understand here. We don't think it's weird to feel as deeply as you do for someone who was a very important member of your family.

My story is about my beloved black cat, Solas, a real NY attitude male. He lived to be 16, but even if it was 86 it wouldn't have been enough. He died on June 10. It seems so long ago, but here I am still teary. When we first found out that he was dying I wailed with sorrow from such a deep gut wrenching place, I was afraid people would call the cops! Over time the intensity of it has subsided. I still have tears, but they are the quieter misty eyed variety.

And as for ashes, Don't expect to be happy at all. I thought it would be this huge homecoming- It was a disaster, go into the archives and look it up, it's funny-NOW.

Carol, take care, be gentle, walk into walls, cry anywhere you want and don't worry about what those furless loveless non pet parents have to say about getting on with life. Life will be right there waiting for you when you are ready

A big ol' Florida sunny hug to you. Ariel Solas'mom