3 Months Since I Said Goodbye To My Boy, having a very hard time Options

[Mo&Maisie'sMom]

I've very depressed for the last couple of weeks. I think the combination of the changing season and the approach of the 'anniversary' (hate that word) of Mo's death has been a huge contributor to feeling so awful. I feel so different than the person I was 3 months and one day ago. I was a very different person - a happier and more peaceful one. I survived the one thing I had always been terrified of, but the worst part is that I felt closer to him after having him put down than ever. And we were inseparable. I feel like we experienced something very profound and intimate together - which makes his death even harder. What if I didn't do the right thing? What if I failed him? I'm still shocked that I had him put down. I hate that I made that decision. The alternative was to put him through more procedures or let him suffer and potentially die alone. He had so many tumors in the last month of his life that my vet told me to pick the 5 worst in terms of discomfort for him (some were ulcerated) and she would inject them with Benadryl. This was supposed to occur a few days after he died, but when I found him on the floor, unconscious, now with heart problems, I couldn't do it. I promised him I would never let him suffer and that I would let him go with dignity. I tried to be selfless, but I question that decision every day. I feel tremendous guilt. I hope he forgives me and knows how much I loved him. I would have given my own life for his without a second thought.

There is this huge space in my heart and my soul where he was..the emptiness seems to get worse, not better. The acute phase of the grieving passed, but the emptiness grows. I know I will never have that bond again. Not like that. When you are unmarried with no human children, there is no one to grieve with over the loss of such a sweet soul, who appreciates how much you miss the tiniest endearing behavior. I know everyone here has experienced the lack of understanding from others and it really makes this worse. He was truly the light of my life.

I'm sorry for all of the negativity, but it's been really tough these past few days.

Thanks for being there..

Jen

[radgirl]

There is this huge space in my heart and my soul where he was..the emptiness seems to get worse, not better. The acute phase of the grieving passed, but the emptiness grows.

My DH and I went through this last month. I felt exactly the same way....I felt like life would never be great again. And my husband definitely felt the emptiness, too...the more time passed, the more real his being gone became. IT also seemed to getting worse for me also......like you.
That has passed for me, at least not the pain you feel today, it will lessen.

I know everyone here has experienced the lack of understanding from others and it really makes this worse. He was truly the light of my life.

Yeah, I can relate there big time. I stewed over that for two months, because I felt like I had lost everything when no one was there for me. What can I say? People are rude. Misty was the light of my life like Mo was for you.....the loss is going take take some major time to at least get to a place where it's okay...

You shouldn't feel guilty for his medical problems at the end. It sounds like you totally acted in his best interest, and you honored his life by not making him suffer anymore. And like you said, you wouldn't have wanted him to die alone, that would have made the grief worse.

The change of seasons has made me backslide a bit this week, too. I imagine others are having the same problem. For me, Misty used to watch me water the plants outside every morning and his his tail to music in the backyard. I found a CD under the outdoor coffee table and tried to listen to it, but it made me think of him and last summer watering the plants. I know you probably have a similiar story. I think getting through the first year is going to be a challenge for us both.....

I am sorry you are in the extreme pain you are in right now. I went through it for most of March, so I totally know where you are at. It does get better, little by little. I know I can't offer anything to make it go away, but like you, I had that special realtionship that just can't be repalced, that was part of my soul, too.

You aren't the only one who is going through this tremendous loss, and I'm definitely here to listen. Finding people who will listen is so hard. I know that is why Misty meant a lot to me.....

Please keep me posted on how you are doing. Hugs and understanding, Amy

[toonie]

that special realtionship that just can't be repalced, that was part of my soul, too.

:Radgirl

Jen and Radgirl, I join you in all the feelings you describe. I am into my sixth month for my babies and yesterday was a very bad day. I sort of have to hide it from my family, no one feels that way so I prefer to spend a lot of time by myself. My sons loved our cats but they were able to move on as soon as they were gone. My DH loved them too but it was easier for him to accept their no longer being there. Only to me, my cats were my children. Now, I feel like I belong with my cats and am condemned to staying here. My DH has been having anxiety attacks, one just last night and I have a hard time being sympathetic because at the same time I feel as if this is a way of shutting my grief up but it's probably me who triggers this. I feel so mean. I also feel like I failed my cat Yukon. I have had close to normal days at other times since so this awful period will get better, maybe all this is due to the change of the seasons, it's sort of another confirmation that they won't ever be around during the beautiful days of summer. Yesterday was beautiful outside and my thoughts were that it will never ever be as beautiful anymore because my babies were part of all that beauty. Many here have said it takes a year before we're better, most likely it does because it all still feels so raw.

Jen, you have no guilt to have. If anyone here has any guilt to absorb, it's me and even then, I still will never know if my Yukon would have gotten better physically and psychologically, so basically what I feel is simply that great big gaping hole in my heart from the trauma of losing such dear hearts, hearts that would beat with mine.

[radgirl]

Yesterday was beautiful outside and my thoughts were that it will never ever be as beautiful anymore because my babies were part of all that beauty.

Toonie:

You hit the nail on the head here. I was doing great until the weather perked up. Misty also enjoyed the summer and I know it's going to be the first summer without him. Like you I considered Misty a child, I love my daughter tremendously and I am glad she was on the way, I think it has helped me move on a little faster than I would have.

But Misty was a child to me too, and I still miss him. I just keep hanging on to the fact that by this time next year I'll be even better with him beig gone than I am now. This board has been such a big help, when like Jen I was in the depths of despair, it helped so much to hear that others had the same feelings and I was able to receive some comfort, considering no friends or family saw it as a problem worth two minutes.

At least we all have each other when the bad moments come. The only thing I can offer Jen is that it does better eventually. I can't wait till it gets even better for me, because grieving the loss is the most painful experience I have had in life so far.

You didn't fail Yukon, with your love you did all you could, I am sure he knew that. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your feelings, as it did help me!

Hugs, Amy

[Moose Mom]

Mo & Maisie's Mom

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so bad honey. That date that rolls around each month is just a killer. It makes us stop and remember and miss them so much.

Honey you didn't fail Mo. What if you did do exactly the right thing? What if you had let him go on suffering? What if the treatments you were going to have done for him only made him suffer more, without helping? What if he had been alone and died like that? He loved and trusted you to do the right thing, and you did it. Don't try now to second guess yourself.

You did experience something very profound and intimate together. It's something you maybe only get once in a lifetime. I'm married to a wonderful man I love very much. The feeling I have and had for my Butch kitty are so different. It's a love unlike any other. Like I've said before, a light does go out in your life, but you can learn to live in a darker world. You can find hope and joy again. Even great love with a new baby. It won't be the same, but you wouldn't want it to be. Something that special will shine in your memory forever, like a precious jewel.

Mo's soul got so big and full of love his little body couldn't hold it anymore. It had to expand and fill the universe. We all are so lucky to have a bit of Mo's love in us now. We are better for it.

Love

[Mo&Maisie'sMom]

Oh, thank you all so much. I'm having trouble even responding I'm crying so much. I wish I could type more but I can't right now....

[John B]

Jen,
I'm with you and everybody else here. It's just plain hard to be without our special babies. Many days I see no reason at all to go on...but I do. Everything reminds me of Sadie and that is good and bad. Good because I feel like I have a piece of her...but bad because I don't have all of her.

Take care
John

[Chaos, my little...]

I survived the one thing I had always been terrified of, but the worst part is that I felt closer to him after having him put down than ever. And we were inseparable. I feel like we experienced something very profound and intimate together - which makes his death even harder. What if I didn't do the right thing? What if I failed him? I'm still shocked that I had him put down. I hate that I made that decision. The alternative was to put him through more procedures or let him suffer and potentially die alone.

I promised him I would never let him suffer and that I would let him go with dignity. I tried to be selfless, but I question that decision every day. I feel tremendous guilt. I hope he forgives me and knows how much I loved him. I would have given my own life for his without a second thought.

know I will never have that bond again. Not like that. When you are unmarried with no human children, there is no one to grieve with over the loss of such a sweet soul, who appreciates how much you miss the tiniest endearing behavior. I know everyone here has experienced the lack of understanding from others and it really makes this worse. He was truly the light of my life.

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I too am single, with no children. Chaos was my child. I was fortunate that my family understood this love, and cried with me (my twin sister broke down with me again and again which was SO healing), but ultimately, the bond that he and I shared was still deeper than they even realize. It's been 17 days since Chaos died. I had him put down, and suffered pretty badly with guilt for the first week. The first few days I was just in shock that it happened so fast (he was fine one minute, the next paralyzed from his stomach down by an embolism). But ultimately, his body was broken down and I had to let him go so he would stop suffering. There was also a HUGE risk that he would die (in great pain, even medicated) without me there to lovingly help and re-assure him through the transition. It was the ultimate act of love, and of that, I am positive. Same for your situation. There was no "getting out" of it. You made the only loving decision that you could. Don't doubt yourself. It's clear that you did everything right, and you're actions were loving, even at the end.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

[Lucy1Josie2]

Jen, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I can especially relate about being single with no human children, and losing a beloved pet.

But make no mistake that Mo was your child -- you fed him, you bathed him, you played with him, you helped him when he was sick, you loved him. You loved him so much that when the time came for you to make one of the hardest (if not the hardest) decisions you've ever had to make, you chose what was best for him. Please don't doubt that. We all second-guess things in our lives, but this is something you needn't second-guess. From what you write, you did absolutely the right thing, the selfless thing, for someone you loved more than anything in the world, and isn't that the true essence of love? You set your deepest wishes aside and did what was best for Mo. You repaid Mo in full for his total and unconditional love, and I'm sure his soul knows that and is more grateful to you for that than for all the wonderful things you did for him throughout his life.

A lot of people just don't understand the kind of love pets give us. Let's pity them, if we can. And, being single and on a lighter note, let's look at the parents of screaming kids in supermarkets and say to ourselves, "My Shih Tzu would never behave like that in public. That poor mom, having to put up with those brats!"

Mo had a great life with you, Jen. To be continued later on, and in a better place.

-- Michelle

[Mo&Maisie'sMom]

Amy, Toonie, Lori, John, Jenn & Michelle,

What would I do without you? Your words helped me through the last few days immensely. You all completely understand how I'm feeling and I am so thankful for your understanding and compassion. He was my kid - thank you for validating that, and thank you as well for alleviating the guilt that sneaks up on me every few days. He really did have such a big, sweet soul, so happy and loving. Isn't it odd how we're all affected by the change of season? This is BY FAR the most painful thing I - or any of us - have had to endure, and I am so grateful for your support. Other people really don't get the extent of the grief, or how much it changes us to lose them....

[radgirl]

I feel the same way. Misty was my kid, too, and having a human kid doesn't change that at all. I too am a changed person since Misty died. I am a lot more understanding of other people's losses, and waht I say when the loss occurs. A guy from work lost his mother, and I went to the funeral with a six week old infant and my DH and I dropped flowers off at his place.

I don't think I'll ever be the same after losing Misty, but I have changed for the better. I also feel it makes me an even mbetter parent to my daughter, and I appreciate my DH and her a lot more than I may have without the loss. Since I know what it's like to lose someone, I treasure every moment, always tell my DH I love him before I leave the house, etc.

Hang in there. I will get better over the next few months. At least there are understanding people here, I know that helped me when I was just as down as you a month or so back. I don't know if I could have made it without you guys, so thanks from me too.......

Amy Misty's Mama

[Mo&Maisie'sMom]

Thank you...today was a tiny bit better. It seems to come in waves. No - tidal waves. Your support makes a HUGE difference..

[toonie]

Tidal waves indeed, just when we feel like we might be getting better :shwoooosh
the hurt takes over in a way larger than life and though it isn't quite as raw somehow it is stronger. I suppose these are all stages, necessary stages, I can honestly tell you Mo& Maisies mom that I would hate to be back at the three month stage, I dreaded yesterday and crazy as it was, yesterday's 6th month mark was not as bad as I feared. Although I am not missing them any less, although my love for them has kept growing, I realize that I have achieved the level where some acceptance has come. Hang in there mo and maisie's mom, time will help you, all you can do for now is to try to do things that will bring you comfort. It's so rough at this time for you but I know that you will be helped by Momo's love, be on the listen for it. Hugs, toonie