Max-the-cat, 1987-2007 Options

[maxs' mom]

Max, a beautiful green-eyed tortoise-shell colored, short hair cat, stole my heart 20 yrs ago and has been the love of my life, my little Mackie, my pal, and my sweetest grr-friend for most of my life.

Last Thursday she became ill. We have no vet where I live and I've managed to (successfully) care for and nurse her when required. But by Friday, it became apparent that she was too ill for my skills and too ill to travel. Saturday afternoon she slipped into a semi-comatose state. For almost 36hr, I held her and loved her. And, I told her it was alright to die. She (finally) did... in my arms at 2:54am on Monday.

I want to think that she didn't suffer, but I don't know for sure. By Saturday night Mackie was in a very bad way and I actually WANTED her to die. In my first aid kit I have the drugs I could have used to put her down.... but I couldn't do it. Now, the guilt, the pain I'm feeling is immense. I seem only able to focus on the last 24hr of her life. Did she suffer? Did my inactions cause her unnecessary pain?? Should I have taken heroic measures to save her? I can't get beyond and keep asking myself "What if..." and "Why didn't I...".

Needless to say, I'm an absolute mess. I fear for the life of my computer (!) from all the tears shed even while typing this missive! Your PMs welcome...