Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[E.M]

Sheps Mama, Debbie

We are not all on the other side of the world and all sleeping at the same time, I'm in North Wales, so will always be online in our time so to speak.

So if you ever need to speak, you don't have to wait till everyone else is up, if that is any help.

This may not be of any help but what I found myself doing is walking (sounds so puny and pathetic doesn't it) but the wilder the weather the better, the more stormy, the wetter, the colder the better, after all when you are devoid of all emotion except sadness, remorse and grief then it doesn't matter what the weather does. I think this helped because the more turbulent the weather the more it matched me inside. I don't know which part of Scotland you live in but may be to go out for an hour will settle your husband a bit too?
It will be hard, the first time I walked our usual walk up the lane past the house, it was awful, why? My Denis is a cat but thought sometimes he was a dog because he always came for a walk with us, no matter how far, he came. If he got tired he would stop at a certain point and wait for us to pick him up on the way back.

Today I felt such an overwhelming sense of oppression in the house that I had to open all the doors and windows to let the cold air in. I don't know why I needed to do this. Just letting the cold air in seem to settle me a bit. I had to take down the decorations, I put them up when I was happy and now I'm not.

You will come through this, it's so painful and takes time to heal, every day it gets a little easier, just a little. You will see that you did the right thing when the guilt moves aside. And remember, do what you want to do, you have a right to grieve in your own way and in your own time. Everyone of us is different, we all handle it differently and all do what we can to get through it, no two people are the same and no two people will react the same. You both need to do your own thing at a time like this.

E.M (Debbie)

[Moose Mom]

Debbie

It's good to know that you have been where I am and are still out there, helping others come to terms with the passing of a beloved animal. Don't you sometimes wish that you weren't so sensitive? That it really didn't upset you this much?

You know, while it would be eaiser if we didn't feel so much, I wouldn't want to just 'get over it'. Our fur children are so special, they give us so much love and joy, it would feel to me that I was not respecting that. It's part of the love between us that makes it so special while we have them and so hard when they go, but gives us such wonderful memories. Right now you are finding it hard to access the good times, but they will give you so much joy and comfort later. I love that you found a great memory to share already, remember the joy of that time.

Since Shep's passing, I have vowed that i will never have another animal share my life becasue it is just too painful when you need to let them go. But I hope this changes

For 14 and a bit more years you had great joy from your wonderful Shep. I does hurt so much when you lose them, but remember the joy. If you think about 14 years of love and joy, perhaps you can find a time when you can share your life with another fur kid, I wish and hope this happens for you. When you think of it, you have pain now, and it is almost unbareable. But somehow we do survive it. In the end the sadness is small and the joy is huge.

Don't let what your partner needs distract you from what you need. Grieve in the way and for as long as seems best to you.

Love
Lori

[vizsla-angel]

Sheps Mama,
Please know that what you "did" was commit an unselfish act of love. I just put down my beautiful Copper even though he might have had 2 more months to live and I know the pain.

My husband keeps telling me how proud he is of me because the words came out of my mouth while the vet was still explaining options and hadn't gotten that far yet. You see, my husband is a nurse and he's seen plenty of humans who aren't allowed to make their own medical decisions who are forced to live long, drawn out, painful lives because their selfish family members don't want to deal with the grief of letting them go by disconnecting life support.

You and I gave Shep and Copper something better. They didn't deserve to be in pain so that we wouldn't have to feel this grief. I don't know about you, but I feel like I've been hit by a truck. But I can take comfort in my last memories of Copper being during a few moments when he wasn't in pain, wagging his tail, and licking everyone's faces -- not in severe pain.

Copper has very short fur and long haired dogs have always facinated him. I'm sure he's found Shep by now and they're racing around the fields up there -- a couple of high-energy dogs who can run again.

[lynda]

Dear Shep's Mama,
I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to know when to say goodbye, harder in some cases than others but always hard. That is only to say, in some cases it is more obvious than others that the loved one is suffering. A person who loves their pet is just torn to pieces by the conflicting feelings that they have. I have been through it now six times since I moved here in 1988 and began to keep cats who were my sole responsibility. Christmas morning 2006 I lost the last of my original group, my Larry, who was born in 1990 and given to me as a tiny kitten.

I am in the darkest place, in agonizing pain, even though in Larry's case I had been told a diagnosis of inoperable cancer, and there did not seem to be any other right thing to do but to let him go. He was so special I sometimes cannot find the words, God's own gift to me at the loneliest and scariest part of my whole long life, when I was new on a demanding job almost 2.000 miles from the home I grew up in. Before I received that little kitten I did not know it was possible to love somebody so much.

The words of your posts speak to me, because in the years since '88 I have sometimes not let go of my babies as soon as I perhaps should have. And yet each time I have suffered terrible guilt for thinking I let them go too soon. Most of the cats did not show the kind of pain they were probably going through...they seemed to want to cling to life, to spend just a little more time with me, give it one more try to eat a little dinner, sleep another night snuggled up next to me. I always prayed that when each came into their time, I would have a more definite and well-informed idea of when it was really time. In Larry's case I feel that I had something as close to this as I ever had in any other case. And yet...

My sweet child, he was still snuggling on the sofa with me. He was still eating a little every few hours. Still purring, still hugging my arm with his paws. When I made the terrible decision he looked at each of us, me and my husband both, gazed deep into our eyes. What did this look really mean? I will never know...I just know that although Larry did not seem like someone terminally ill, his whole body was full of cancer and there was nothing in the future except suffering. I knew that, and yet this loving gaze caused me pain of guilt that was beyond enduring. I well know I did the right thing...but did he have more hours, more days, did he want to live? Could something be done? Did this vet really know what she was talking about? It was so terrible for me and I am so sorry that others like yourself have to go through it too.

I can tell you that you did the best and proper thing for Shep, but I can also tell you that I understand how much it hurts. Ironically, it hurts as much as remembering the times when you wonder if you waited too long. I'm so sorry. It is just the hardest thing you will ever have to do. I am only comforted by believing that I am blessed to have had a way to transfer the suffering from my sweet innocent baby onto myself. You did the right thing, but you need some time to accept this. Forgiving yourself is very hard, but I believe that your baby does not need to work on this forgiveness. Shep is a young dog now, no pain, no sorrow, and if you listen very close you might be able to hear him sending you a wonderful thought: Here I am, Mommy! Over here, in this beautiful meadow!

[sheps mama]

Again I am struck by the empathy you have expressed in trying to help me through this. People like you are few on the ground: I am counting my blessings that I had the sense at this terrible time to log on and search for the help that you all have brought me. Your stories are so touching and similar to mine, it gives me hope that these feelings will soon lose the jagged edges and I may be able to talk about Shep again, and look at pictures of him without the panic-y, sick feeling raising it's ugly head.
It's hard to believe that it's 5 days since the loss of my darling boy. How did I get here?Who knows, but I know this site and all of the kind words I have received here from everyone, have kept me from going under. I read some of your stories and I think, my story is not so bad. Some of the things you guys have gone through are horrendous, and yet here you are, helping another person come to realise that these feelings will eventually reduce in severity until you learn to live with them. There's a reason why the animals you loved came to be with you and they are the lucky ones, just like Shep.

Yesterday was Tuesday and it was my best day so far - I only "lost it" twice and thankfully I was home at both these times.

Hopefully we should be receiving Shep's ashes home soon - I don't know how this will make me feel but it will be good to have him back in the house again.

Once again I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything. I was sceptical at first about using the site but desperation does funny things to you. It is still early days but today is another (stormy) day and I am getting there slowly. Strange, but it now feels like it's time I should be trying to help someone just like me get through this, so I will look at some of the other topics now, to see if I can reassure anyone the way you guys have done for me.
I have attached some pictures of Shep - hopefully I've done this properly, if so there should be 2 pictures.

Thanks again,
Debbie
Sheps mama

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[sheps mama]

Today has been a better day and I have been reading through some of the other postings. Some stories are awful and I can recognise myself in so many of them. I'm just glad the dark skies are slowly starting to clear. I thought I would show you a picture of my boy, the one and only Shep, first thing in the morning with "bed head!"

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[vizsla-angel]

Now THAT'S a look!

V-Angel

[Moose Mom]

Debbie

Now those are some pictures! He was such a doll! The bed head one was so great.

Be aware that grief is not a line, you don't always get a little better each day. Some days will be good and you think, I'm gonna make it, and then one will hit you so hard. You are not losing it, or going backwards, that is the process. Take care of yourself on the sane days and just let the crazy days happen.

Love
Lori

[Kim R.]

I just wanted to say what a handsome boy he is! His face is so sweet...so much personality. I know it sounds strange, but I feel a sense of loss as well just looking at his beautiful pictures and I didn't even know him....I know it must be so hard...I'm so sorry for your loss...

[sheps mama]

Lori - thank you for that, I'm sure that is how it will be for me too. I return to work today (not my choice) and this should keep me busy but I have reminders of him everywhere - screensaver, coaster etc, so he will never be far from my thoughts. Thanks for everything, but I have a feeling that I will be back to the forum for quite a while to come yet!

Kim R - thanks for being so sweet about my boy - he was handsome and knew it too! I'm sure thats how he got away with so much because one look with those baby blues and I was a pushover.
Take care.

Debbie
Sheps mama

[Amarna]

Dear Shep's mama ~~ I just found your post on this site, and I had to write to you, as I feel your words about your dear Shep mirror my thoughts and tears, exactly. Four weeks ago, to the day and nearly to the minute, my husband and I chose to say goodbye to our darling keeshond, Caesar. We had our little boy for 16 years, almost to the day, 80% of our married life together. You see, he was a Christmas preasant to me from my husband in 1990, and we said goodbye to him two weeks before Christmas, four weeks ago. The words that you used to describe what you are feeling,... how I cry at the exact same things you are experiencing. Caesar had arthritis in his hips. No cancers, no bleeding, nothing internally wrong with him. He just could no longer get up on his own, he couldn't hold his water, he could no longer stand up to eat or drink and I had to help him, he could only walk a few steps before he fell down, he cried all through the night because he was frustrated because he couldn't get up, but he had all his teeth, all his fur, he could see, he could hear, etc. He still looked beautiful. Finally, I told my husband to "make the call", early that morning before the sun rose, after a particularly rough night. My husband would come home from work, eat a bite of dinner, then go to bed, to rise around 10:00 PM or so, and then I would go to bed, and then get up around 2:00 AM or so, for the next shift. Caesar would barely get a couple of hours of sleep at night, and neither would I. This had been going on for months and I no longer knew what a full night's sleep was, and neither did my husband. But my baby was worth it. Still, I could not ...I didn't know *how* to....even now, I find it hard to even say. What we did to him. He also looked at me with so much trust in his eyes, at the vet. I feel like he felt we betrayed him. I also held his head in my hands, as did my husband and my mother who also loved him. We all held his beautiful head, petted him, told him we loved him, "I love you Caesar, I love you, Caesar..."....over and over, and then the words of the vet telling us he could no longer hear us. It rips me to pieces. Every Friday at 4:45, in about a half hour.... when it's sunny and the sun is setting.... Your letter ripped into my heart.... Every word you said about your own experience.... I'm always at this site, now. I hope to heaven that my little boy, Caesar and your darling Shep are together. I get a bit of peace from that idea, that they may have found each other, since their mommies share so much of the same story. Thank you for telling your story. I needed to hear that I wasn't the only one feeling this way. Thank you...

Proud to be Caesar's mommy, Forever

[beth4275]

Dear Shep's Mom,

I'm late replying so I hope you are feeling better. I had to put my "heartdog" to sleep a little over 3 years ago. I too felt the overwhelming sense of guilt that you are feeling. The guilt is normal and will lesson over time. What you did for Shep is the most loving thing any of us can do for these souls that we allow to creep into our lives and hearts. You took all of Shep's pain away and brought it onto yourself instead. There is no single act that is more selfless than that ... Shep left this world being cradled by the person who loved him ... he left feeling that love and I firmly believe he will be waiting for you when the time comes.

It is true that pain never really goes away but it does lesson and sometime in the future you will be able to think of Shep again without those last images crowding out the good memories. You are in my thoughts ...

Hugs,
Beth

[Amarna]

Having a hard time today. Just need to share a picture of my Caesar-pup. (Hope I did it right through clouded tears. I'm new here.) Hope he makes someone smile, today. I miss you so much, my Caesar. I love you.

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[myhrtisbrkn]

What a handsome dog, so steadfast a gaze, confident and masculine (antlers notwithstanding).
I know what you are going through with your partner. No one loved Mack more than Charles ( my husband). Mack was devoted to, and protective of me, but he was a guys dog and hanging out with his dad, doing " guy stuff", was what really made Mackie-bear happy. But, as most men do, Charles has the ability to "box-up" his grief,and anger and disbelief (Charles was in denial about how sick our boy was until he drew his last breath),and set it apart from his daily life. And since he sees it as his job to make me happy, dry my tears, and keep me from all harm, Charles takes my inability to stop crying, or raging, or just shutting down at times, as a personal criticism. I seem to be unable to help him with that.
It has often struck me how many times when I was in the most need of support, I ended up propping the people I expected to be there for me. This I believe is the true meaning of mercy. I have had to show it to a number of my nearest and dearest who just didn't know how to deal with my raw grief. How could they, they didn't go to sleep at night with his velvet muzzle pressed against their ear, or wake up to the joyful thunderous drumming of his mighty tail.
I have at last reached the place where I don't relive Macks illness and death every minute. But I prefer to live my sorrow rather that shut it out, even if I could chose to. I never would have shut Mack out in life, I won't shut out his death.
You continue in my thoughts and prayers.

Dayna

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Dayna,

But I prefer to live my sorrow rather that shut it out, even if I could chose to. I never would have shut Mack out in life, I won't shut out his death.

That was so eloquently said, I'm going to write it down and quote you, if I may, if or when the need arises. I feel exactly the same way about my sorrow.

[My Buddy]

Dear Sheps and Ceasar's Mom's...you both have just beautiful dogs, thanks for sharing the pictures. Your feelings and situations both mirror our own with my boy Hrudey. He was in alot of pain in fact I worry that I didn't realize it soon enough and continued to justify his slowing down and the few glimmers of his old self...etc...but again the look of distress and trying to breathe, his heart racing was too much to bear... it does help realize that the decision had to be made..

It is just over a week now since I held him for the last time. Its so strange, I don't think I completely get it yet...so horrible, I am still looking for him everywhere, we still have his bed down, his bowls in the kitchen, and pictures everywhere...I can't bear to change anything....my seven year old daughter is talking about a new puppy today, if you can imagine that conversation, I have to be understanding of her feelings she is so young....but inside I am screaming, no way!! how can you even think that? of course we can brush her off, and then my husband has laid off last October and a new job is possible out of state, an actual dream to move closer to family, but to move without my boy...I can't imagine it...although I am sure he is with us...just thinking about all these changes is too much right now. Anyway, thanks for sharing, I am sorry for both your losses...and you are in my prayers as well. Take Care!! Tory, Hrudey's momma

[Amarna]

Dear My Buddy ~~

I just had to thank you for the kind words you said about my Caesar. Hrudey is also a lovely dog! And isn't Shep adorable? I'm hoping that when Shep reads his mommy's words here, he sees my Caesar-pup's picture and recognizes him by the Bridge. All our pets are beautiful.... The glow they share must come from our love bouncing off of them. I love you Caesar.... come visit Mommy in dreamland, soon!

Amarna, Proud to be Caesar's Mommy forever

[sheps mama]

When I told Shep's story (edited version!!) I didn't think it would help anyone because the anger, pain, guilt and sorrow I was feeling was overwhelming me. I was pretty selfish because I just wanted someone to say the words that have now been said here, and help relieve some of my suffering. So, now that I have had a few good days, I can see how his story may have helped others here as your stories have helped me, and I am so glad of that and I bet Shep is too.

Amarna, Caesar is a babe and yes, our stories are like duplicates. For the last 8 or 10 months, Shep had been moaning through the night and my partner would get up and placate him. He always mollycoddled him and I was left to do all of the "bad cop" stuff. As much as he was my boy, I still felt the need to show Shep that just because he liked the sound of his own voice at times, it didn't mean he deserved a treat. My partner used to give him treats believing that it would quieten him, which of course it never did! But in the end, I now think Shep was uncomfortable at night and now I am racked with guilt about this.

Shep still had a great appet*ite, still enjoyed walks (although no longer the 2 or 3 hour treks he used to love), still showed his love for life (now & again) and still looked exactly like the boy he was when he first came into our lives. And now, the gaping wound he has left feels like it will never be filled again.

Like you, this site has helped me enormously and I feel that in some way, it is keeping him alive for me, just by talking to other like-minded people. I'm sure Caesar, Shep, Mack, Hrudey & "Heartdog" are having a whale of a time together, wherever they may be.

I will keep coming back here as it does my heart good to hear your stories and talk about Shep too. Take care & speak to you soon.

Debbie
Sheps mama

[myhrtisbrkn]

Furkidlets Mom,
I'd be honored to have you quote me.

Sheps Mom,
I'm sure you are right the kids are having a great romp together. In addition to other dogs,(especially his sisters Birga, the mastiff, and Sadie, the sheltie,), Mack was a great lover of cats. He was very gentle and diffident, almost reverent with them. So I'm sure he is relishing the company of Alley, Moose, Sabin, Ryan, and all the wonderful kitties, as well.
Hope you're having a good day today,
Dayna

[Amarna]

Debbie, Sheps Mommy!, ~~

Your words were like a ray of sunshine in my world, today. This site, and you, have been that bright ray. Thanks for taking a new soul like me in this room and bandaging my wounds a bit tighter.... Shep was every bit as amazing as his mommy. Again, thanks to you and all the others. Like grief, I guess there aren't ever the right words to express thanks.



thanks


Amarna