Lost My Best Friend Of 14 Years Yesterday..., My heart is broken Options

[Livia8]

I've been reading all your stories and think I've found the right place, with the right people, to share with...I hope your kleenex is handy...

Yesterday, I had to say good-bye to my best friend of 14 years. My beloved cat, my baby, Cage - aka, Cagie, my little purry monster, my handsome boy, my beautiful beast.

My tabby adopted ME, in August of 1992. Other than one urinary tract infection when he was 2, and another 2 years ago, he's been a healthy, happy, spoiled rotten kitty. The love of my life...

About 3 weeks ago, he started getting really picky about his food - first not eating his dry food at all - then being super finicky about what flavor of canned food I gave him, and he wouldn't eat any leftovers, only the first, fresh serving. About 10 days later, he was throwing up a lot, low energy, and losing weight. Then he refused to eat at all. I took him to the vet on Sunday, they got him on fluids and started running tests.

Long story short, 2 days in the hospital, and one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride later - after many tests, x-rays, thinking it was one disease, no it's not, let's test for something else, getting him to eat, telling me was doing better and that he could probably go home as soon as he kept his food down, and then deciding he had hyperthyroidism, he threw up again and they wanted to do an ultrasound.

They called me at work around 5 PM yesterday...the ultrasound showed numerous tumours throughout his intestines. Even if he was strong enough to endure the surgery, there wouldn't have been enough good intestines left over to put back together and function. There was nothing they could do for him...

Let me back up a second - when I went to visit him Monday night, they removed the cone around his neck and told me to make sure he didn't pull out his catheter. As soon as he actually looked at me and heard my voice, he didn't quite meow, it was more like a whimper and he gave me a head butt. Aaaaw! We had a nice talk about how I missed him and didn't want him to be there, but I had to bring him in since they are making him better. I told him that a lot of nice people and their kitties were praying for him. I cleaned up his face and eyes, and he just sat there and let me do it. A friend of mine asked me, "Did it feel like he understood? Like he would be coming home very soon, like he was saying, 'I'm getting better Mom, don't worry.' I told her, "Yeah, we totally have that bond. But I didn't feel that he was telling me he'd be home soon. I felt more like he felt bad because he knew he was bumming me out and couldn't help it." I couldn't stop crying all day yesterday. And then when I got "the" call from the vet, I was a complete mess.

I left work, told them I probably wouldn't be in today, and went to a friend's house who lives close-by. My vet is also a 24-hour emergency vet, and they had a lot of traumas come in at once and kept telling me to call back. It was about 9:15 PM when I went in to say good-bye and told him all the things I needed to say. They cut a lock of his fur for me while I held him - I wanted a piece from his neck, that had all his colors in it. They put it in a little zip-loc baggy. I handed him over to the vet after we spent some time alone together, and left before "it" happened. For me personally, I couldn't bear to watch him go. He's going to be cremated and I'll get his ashes in about 10 days.

I don't remember what I did at home, exactly, besides cry, pace around, kept kissing his fur and talking to myself. I called some close friends and family to let them know. Everyone thinks I should get another cat, when I'm ready. I've lost a lot of close family members, and am no stranger to grief. But this is different. I can't put into words how truly devastating and difficult this is for me. My heart is broken, I have tears streaming down my face right this second...I don't have any human children, he was truly my baby...I lit a candle for him last night, put his fur in a little ceramic container next to the candle. That was at 2:30 AM, I think I went to bed around 4 and got woken up by the phone around 9:30 this morning. I've been in a daze - I threw out his food bowl and litterbox and vacuumed up that area. I just can't bear to see them, knowing he's not here, I only kept his one, favorite toy. I intend to get a nice keepsake something for his ashes and am also contemplating getting some jewelry made from some of his ashes....

I need help....bless you if you read all of that! And my condolences to all of you here who have lost your fur babies.

[Daisy's Mommy]

I have no words of comfort, other than to say that you are not alone. I lost my best friend of 12 years and understand how you feel. It is unbearable. I don't know if it gets better with time. It would be nice to think of your dear friend without so much pain.


Daisy's Mommy.

[Muffins]

Dear (((((((Livia8)))))))

Though it has been 2 years for me since our sweet girl Ernestine was put to sleep and went to Rainbow's Bridge, I truly understand (and remember), all of your feelings.
And, I know that every single wonderful person here at Lightning-Strike will understand how you feel, too. If you had to come to a pet-grief site at all, I am truly grateful that you came here. You will find everything that you need, right here, in terms of comfort, support & acceptance.

Your sweet handsome boy Cage loves you very much, and I know that he thanks you for giving him the gift of peace --- It is truly one of the very hardest things that you will ever, ever do; but, when our precious furkids are ill, suffering, and it's getting more difficult for them to have what would be a 'near normal' day.....then it is up to us -- the person that they trust most - the person that they love and count on ..... to do what is in their very best interest.
And, out of immense love for Cagie -- you did just that! God Bless You for having the strength and the courage to let him go.

Back when our Ernie-Bird was put to sleep (Feb 7, 2004), I came here to LS -- I cried & cried and I kept posting because I couldn't do anything else. I was paralyzed with so many emotions.

Some wonderful soul here at LS wrote to me, "Denise, you took on Ernestine's pain so that she could finally be without pain." I needed to hear those words. For months, it was the only thing that made any sense to me.

So............your handsome boy adopted YOU in August, 1992?? ( Isn't that the truth??? WE do NOT own them.....THEY OWN US!!!) I'm 45 and I've never had any human children --- I've had furcats all of my life. But, Aren't we lucky though??

I need help....bless you if you read all of that!

You can come here whenever you want, and write out your feelings - say whatever you want.....Always feel that you are among friends here -- because, you are.
Whenever you need help, I am here for you -- please feel free to e-mail or PM me.

Please, be gentle with yourself during this time. Try your best to get your rest, and don't forget to eat.
(more often than not, sometimes taking care of ourselves during this very difficult time is the last thing that we think about).

I know that you have a broken heart that is shattered into a million pieces right now, and your heart will hurt for a long while.
You'll probably feel as if you are on 'auto-pilot', and are in a daze and just going through the motions.
Those feelings are normal -- the way towards healing is to "feel the feelings", and cry when you need to.

We're all different creatures when it comes to crying/showing emotion.
Some people cannot cry when in the presence of others, and wait until they're in private.
For others, sometimes tears just do not come.

After our sweet darling Ernie-Bird was gone, my tears fell whenever they wanted to and I couldn't stop them. I had the reddest, puffiest eyes for a very long time, but....there was nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
I had just lost my very, very best girlfriend of almost 20 years, and I was more than devastated. My heart was shattered.
The ocean of tears that I cried DID help me heal!!

YOUR DARLING CAGIE LOVES YOU VERY, VERY MUCH, AND HE IS ALWAYS WITH YOU!!!!!!
I know that he would want you to take good care of yourself, right??
He's right inside your heart, and that is where he will stay.

A LOVE AS STRONG AS THE LOVE THAT YOU & CAGIE SHARED WILL NEVER, EVER DIE.....ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!!!

I only kept his one, favorite toy. I intend to get a nice keepsake something for his ashes and am also contemplating getting some jewelry made from some of his ashes....

Keep Cagie's favorite toy in a special place. And, I know that some people here at LS have gotten some beautiful urns for their furkids ashes -- also, some have made a necklace, or a little charm bracelet, (or a keychain), using some of their babies ashes and putting it into a locket.

I wish you much comfort and peace as you travel through this journey. Always remember that you are never alone.

God Bless You!

Love, Denise

[Sidney's Buddy]

I'm really sorry about Cage. I hate the idea of anyone going through what I am going through right now. It's almost a month since my best buddy died and I have been a total mess. Even though we were pretty much inseperable I still now feel as if I took him for granted. If I could only have one week with him now. My guy went quickly and unexpectedly as did Cage and I am still in a state of shock. It was a horrible thing to endure. He could barely breathe and was on oxygen at the end but still purred when he saw me enter the room. I have been thinking a lot about him lately and printed up some photos of when he was six months old and it really brought back memories of how extremely quickly we bonded. By the second day we had him he was already my super-buddy.

I can't wait until the day that I can only think of the wonderful things. I don't know when that will be. Probably a long time from now.

I guess that we have to continue tell ourselves how fortunate we and our pets were, which is true but doesn't help me too much. The only thing I will say is that I surely would not trade the experience of having him for no pain now. Very few of us would.

Good luck. One thing that I know is that we all find somehow a way to cope with the horrible pain of the loss. Creating some sort of memorial seems to help most people. I have been rabidly writing down every significant memory I have of him in a nice little journal that I got. I once before had a really great cat that died 16 years ago and the scary thing is how little I remember of her. This is not going to happen with Sid. I will see to that.

[Livia8]

Thank you SO much, everyone for your kind words. They really mean a lot, and definitely help.

I have a co-worker who has been my angel - she totally "gets it." She kept getting me out of the office to take short walk breaks and I'd "let it all out."

My heart aches, both figuratively and literally...I feel like there's a weight on my chest. I keep forgetting to breathe, and find myself sighing and needing to take deep breaths a lot...I do need to start getting more rest and eating better. But hey, I got into my "skinny" Tommy Hilfiger jeans today, so that made me happy...

The most simple, mundane tasks at work, that I could normally do with my eyes closed, were difficult and distracting. I was doing the stupidest things, but at least I caught myself...my mind isn't working right.

One of the things I told my baby when I said goodbye was that he could come visit me if he wanted to, that I wouldn't be afraid. This morning, a cool thing happened. One of Cagie's favorite ways to wake me up was to gently paw at the pages of books or whatever, in the magazine stand/table next to my bed. Not tearing them up, just making enough noise to get my attention. Or, he'd get up on the vanity counter and play soccer with my jewelry, makeup, or whatever was up there. This would happen either an hour before my alarm went off, or right after I hit the snooze button to doze off for another 10 minutes. This morning, I heard the papers ruffling. I'm not sure if I dreamt it, or my mind was playing tricks on me, or if it really happened. But it freaked me out, in a good way.

I have TONS of pictures of him - before I got a digital camera - I would always use up the last few frames on a roll of film for Cagie. I'd hunt him down wherever he was to take his picture. And he loved having his picture taken. He was such a ham. I'm not ready to go looking through old pics yet, but I will...

I'm still doing those daily, routine things. Anytime I came home and he heard the garage door open, he'd be right there at the back door, meowing to greet me. I had to open the door slowly so I wouldn't bonk him on the head. I'd always close the door to my "office" room whenever I went in or out. Too many important papers and stuff in here for him to destroy. I'm still doing those things. My house feels so empty now - I really miss having that kitty vibe here...

Okay, I'm bawling again - I'll check in periodically. I think evenings are better, I don't want to keep losing it at work.

[Robertmofford]

My deepest condolences on your loss. I can relate in a big way. I know it's cold comfort but at least he's not in any more pain. Unfortunately that doesn't mean you're not feeling any. While I'm very new to this site, and know that there's nothing I or anyone else can do to lessen the loss I just wanted to let you know that both you and Cage are in my heart, thoughts, and prayers.

[LuckyNono]

I just lost my baby today and it really hurts! Her name is Lucky, a prissy little flamboyant Pom. I got her from a rescue house and I loved her since then. Since I got her 3 years ago, she already had heart disease due to heart worm. Thus, for 3 years I made sure that she is happy and I spoiled her rotten! She died happy but why does it hurts so much? Can anybody please tell me when it stops hurting?



Thanks God for those who maintain and developed this site!

[Daisy's mama]

I know it's hard to deal with the loss, especially when everyone else expects you to just get on with your life. But I assure you that it does get better. I still miss my baby so much, but I am able to look back at the good times we have had together and smile. She was such a special kid. Hopefully you can remember what a blessing it was to have had your wonderful baby and that Cage is watching over you. At least you know that Cage is feeling no pain and that you will eventually be with him again! God bless you and I am praying for you.