Grief And More Grief, Grieving multi-losses Options

[Luna]

I lost Theodore, my 13 year old cat on Wednesday night. he was put to sleep about 5:15 pm. Like so many folks in the same boat, my heart is broken and I miss him so much. I can't stop crying or thinking about him. It's awful. He had chronice renal failure, a common plight of older cats. He was only diagnosed 6 weeks ago and during that time, we were working hard to get him well. I won't go into the details, but even with all the typical kidney disease interventions, he declined and I had to make the decision to let him go.

My dad died 6 weeks ago and my grandmother 5 weeks ago. I expected my little Theo to be there for me like he always has. I was counting on him to help me get through the grief and now it turns out I'm grieving for him. It feels all like to much grief. My older female cat Emily is wandering around the house looking for him. She cries for him and it breaks my heart. I've explained to her that Theo is gone and is not coming back. I toldl her that we loved him but that he was suffering and had to go. I told her that I love her and that we will have a nice life together in time. I let her sniff Theo's collar and she knows he's gone.

Yesterday a woman I know gave me a Calla Lily plant. I decided that I would make a special garden in my yard to honor Theo. It will be called the "Theodore Garden". It's a lovely, cozy spot, with trees and flowers that looks out to the ocean. I'm going to mosaic a paving stone with Theo's name on it and it will lay over the spot where I'll put his urn. There'll be a little bench made out of driftwood, big enough for two people where I can go by myself or with friends to reflect on my special friend. It will be lovely. And the process of making this spot I feel has been healing.

But it's still hard. It's getting late and soon I will go to bed and he won't be there. I'll wake up in the morning and his funny little face won't greet me. My life seems sad now. Lonely. But I guess the operative word is "now". I know it won't always be so hard. I know this because before Wednesday when Theo was put to sleep, I'd grieved my dad for over 5 weeks and I felt myself starting to lift out of the profound incapacitating grief that his death had caused. There was hope. Theo's passing plunged me back in. Maybe the grief is more intense because of dad and grandma, but I really think my sadness for Theo is for him alone.

Theo was a little kitten that chose me in March of 1992 when I was living in Nelson, British Columbia. He was a black cat with white tuxedo and face. He was part manx and was one of the litter that had a full tail. He had a lovely personality and loved people. People loved him. He was always nearby or in the center of the group. Every picture I have around the house, Theo took the photo op. He slept at the foot of my bed for 13 years. He was a great hunter in earlier years and enjoyed ventures in the garden. He and I were close. We depended on each other to always be there, to always come back from our adventures. We had a special understanding between us. The night before he died, I told him that whatever happened, I would not make him suffer. The next morning, I took him for a walk in my arms around the yard so he could feel the sun and hear the birds, just in case he didn't come back from the vet. He didn't come back, but next week he's coming home to that place in the garden.

Joy

[crazycatwoman]

hello

im sorry for the loss of your sweet Theodore , he sounds like he was a wonderful companion, that is why u miss him so much now. Please know your grief is normal, and the fact that u lost your grandma and dad a short time ago is probably only making it worse on you. Im sure Theodore is looking after you. As u stated time does ease the pain of loss, but i know from my own experience it does not take away the pain, i think the garden your making is such a great idea, it will help you make something positive out of a terribly sad situation you should feel proud of your memorial. My thoughts are with you

amber

[tammy]

The Theodore Garden sounds beautiful! I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and I know all to well about going to bed and waking up knowing there won't be the fuzzy face next to you. My Diapey and I had bedtime and morning rituals. It's a horrible feeling to be miserable in the morning as soon as you open your eyes.

I still have 2 other cats. One I dont think really noticed. The other though, cried and was depressed for a good 2 1/2 weeks. Then I brought home a new rescue kitty after 3 weeks, and curiousity replaced sadness.

I cried non-stop the 1st week, had spurts or crying the 2nd, and then was back on full fledged crying the 3rd & 4th weeks. In the last 1 1/2 weeks the new kitty has occupied my time, getting her used to humans, and of course giving the other 2 lots of attention so they dont get jealous.

take care of yourself
Tammy

[Luna]

It's been a week now since I said goodbye to Theodore. It has been one hard week!!!! I wonder how I will go on without him. I'm alone and him and his sister are my little family. I bought this house on the Sunshine Coast for us. Every part of the day reminds me of Theo. He used to wake me up by jumping on the bed and trying to pry open my eyelids with his paws. When I was awake, I would yell "breakfast" and they would both run to their bowls to be fed. Then I would open up the cat door and Theo would go off for his morning rounds sniffing the scents of the animals that had visited our yard overnight. He would visit the neighbors during the day and of course nap with his sister in the sunshine until I got home from work. He would always be waiting on the deck for me at the end of the day. I only had to yell "Theo" and he would jump down and follow me up the lane to greet me at the top. At night they would be napping on their lawnchairs on the deck and I only had to yell "bedtime" when I would quickly close the cat door and they would be in the house secure for the night. I would read on the couch and they would both be on me, Emily on my stomach and Theo in the crook of my legs. It was a cozy time. I miss those moments so much. I wish I would have treasured them more while they were happening. They will never come again with Theo.

Next week I pick up Theo's ashes. I'm scared that picking them up is going to be too much for me. I've written about the garden I've made for Theo. Now I don't know if I can put him outside. It's started to rain and it's miserable outside. It will be like this for months. I don't know if I want to put his ashes in the ground. It makes me feel so lonely for him. Lonely for myself.

I've been a space cadet the last week, well the last almost two months really. I can't seem to get on track with my life. I work for myself and my motivation has been out the window. If money were not an issue, I would take the next six months off and grieve and write and reflect. And I have no energy. I think grief really zaps it out of you. It's mentally draining. Friends try to talk to me about their plans and activities and I can barely bring myself to acknowlege them: "Ya, have a nice time on your vacation. Don't worry about me. My dad and my grandma and my cat just died but I'm fine. You just go off and enjoy yourself!!"

Life does go on though doesn't it for others. I feel like a deer in headlights about my life. Will I ever be able to let go of this pain and feel excited about life again? Will this too pass?

Luna

[babybear2005]

Luna,

reading your post is like reading about how i am feeling at the moment, my first thought when i collected babybears ashes was that he had a spot in the garden where he always slept during the day in the sunshine i felt so strongly that i was going to scater his ashes there, but when i collected them on monday i feel so different like i dont want him to be outside in the cold and rain i want him in side where it is dry and warm, even after his death and cremation i am still trying to protect him. At the moment he is in a casket on the kitchen table (sounds werid but i cant bring myself to put him in a cupboard). Now i have an idea that i want to get a wooden cat urn for his final resting place, i will probley be moving country within the next few years and the thought of leaving him here i just cant bear. So i thought that i would get the wooden cat urn and he could stay in the sitting room then in time i will decide if i want to scater his ashes or take him with me (at the moment i with taking him with me). For me it made me feel better having him at home, i will be honest with you it was the hardest thing having to collect his ashes it made it final for me, it hit me that he was really gone and not coming back. My advice to you is do what you feel comfortable with and take your time, i have a heart locket with a picture and some of his fur in, my boyfriend told me yesterday that he thought i was mad but it makes me feel better knowing that where ever i go a piece of him is still with me. Im thinking of you and my heart goes out to you, please know that you are not alone in this...

babybear mum sara

[dlima]

Oh Luna my heart breaks for you. I too have had many losses in my life. Both my parents are long gone and my step dad too. My two cats passed within a day of each other last Monday and Tuesday. I can totally relate to that space cadet feeling and the lethargy. I have also been married and divorced 3 times and I now live alone, my daughter is away at college. My cats slept with me every night, and tinky in particular followed me whever I went. I was the only human she really liked. I would shower in the am and there she would be sitting on the top of the toilet waiting for me to come out of the shower. God how I miss her and my millie. I have the 2 new kitties now, but I feel like no cat will ever love me the way Tink did.
Anyway my purpose in writing this was to basically tell you that you are not alone. I have been there and I am there now, but it really will get better. Time is the only healer. And I do beleive we have to feel the pain and truly grieve. There is no way around the pain we just have to go though it to get to the other side. And yes Luna there is another side and you will get there. Be patient with yourself and kind to yourself, and let yourself feel as sad as you want for as long as you want. Life will get better I promise.
My prayers are with you. Hang in there sweetie.
Deb
Mom of Tinky and Millie

[Luna]

I just read the replies to Baby Bear on her struggle. You guys are a great support. A common thing folks talk about is not being understood by friends and family. Their grief is not validated. I had this experience tonight. I've been feeling like crap for over a week now since Theo died and tonight I had dinner with my mom and my Aunt and my Grandma. My mom has been totally here for me.. She thought of Theo as her grandson. She used to look after both the cats when I was away quite often. I have not seen my aunt or my Grandma since Theo died and I couldn't believe that neither of them said a word about it to me tonight. I'm fuming about this. I'm supposed to have dinner with them tommorrow night and I'm cancelling. If they can't respect me enough to even offer some degree of condolences for my loss, then I guess they don't really know me at all. And I'm not going to be a people pleaser and go and talk about the bloody weather and other trivialities. Man it just floors me how shut down folks are. How can one be that way?? Have I been that way in the past?????

I miss Theo so much it hurts. So does Emily. She's missing him more as time goes on and I think she's lonely. But maybe I'm projecting, I don't know. I know that there is no way through this but on the path I'm treading upon now. I wish I could fast forward my life to one year from now where this lump in my throat, pit in my stomach and aching heart would all be gone or lessened.

Does anyone ask themselves through this where all there friends have gone? Personally, I sense folks are tired of my grief at this point. The phone rings less, the inquiries on my well being are infrequent. Onward and upward seems to be the general stance. I guess though, this part of the grieving is indeed a lonely affair and really, at this point anything anyone offers (except for us animal people) seems trivial.

One of these days I'll get Theo's pic on so you can see what I lovely little character he was and still is running around somewhere in kitty heaven.

Luna

[crazycatwoman]

hello Luna

i understand exactly how you feel. Even my friends and Husband who understand very well how i feel, seem to feel i should be over Picasso's death, i understand its been a year and two days now, but i just dont care, i miss him and i would go to hell and back if his little body would work again and he was alive . His loss was immeasurable. I too feel somewhat well not betrayed, but let down, disappointed would be a better word. Even on this forum there is a lack of response from alot of people. I hate posting something, pouring my heart out , and 65 people look at it , but only 2 or 3, or sometimes only 1 person has the decency to reply, and im here for imput, and support . so Yea i definately agree that some people are closed off . The other half of my friends, there lack of compassion, has for me at the least put a noticeable and perminant dent in the friendship and i dont bother much with them

so yea i get ya

amber

[dlima]

Hi Amber,
Thanks for sharing how you feel. I am new to this site and I also wonder why more people don't respond to my posts. I really loook forward to people replying to my posts and getting their feedback. So thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
Deb
Mom of Tinky and Millie

[mom2adoxie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been almost a month since I lost my dog. It's such a difficult thing to go through especially when you were already dealing with other losses. I learned to deal with that kind of loss and grief a few years ago. 5 days after I had my son (a LONG awaited pregnancy and birth) I lost my dear sweet father suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. It's overwhelming to suffer a loss at anytime but when you couple it with other deaths or life altering changes it really does make it harder.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. There are lots of people here to help. Some, like myself, work all day and I don't have time to check in and read every post each time I'm on. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond.


Julie

Frankie 2/14/02 - 9/7/05