I Had To Let Her Go Options

[Golden327]

Last night, after my cat had stopped eating for a few days, I decided to take her to the vet. She refused to eat anything I put in front of her, even a piece of turkey which a week before she would have begged me for. When I took her in, it was evident that it was over. She had kidney failure and heart disease. She couldn't make it anymore.
My poor Butterscotch. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do, handing her to the vet and saying goodbye. Mentally she was still there and I just ache wondering whether she knew what was happening. I just hope she wasn't angry at me for taking her there. She was just in too much pain.
I've had her since I was six, since first grade. I'm 24 now and she's been with me for every important thing I've ever went through. Every memory I have, includes her. I don't know how to get through this. I cry so much because everywhere I look reminds me of her. Every sound I hear, I look, thinking it's her.
We have a golden Retriever also, and i feel that she is confused. She wants to know where her buddy of 13 years is.
My kitty gave me so much joy over the years and I love her so much. I found this site while I was crying tonight. I've lost a pet before, but never one who I had been through so much with. She was always there when I came home, and always crawling on my lap when I needed her. I miss her warmth.
One of the hardest things is that the man that I am in love with is allergic to cats. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to fill the void that she left behind. Not that I would want to replace her.... but it's hard, when I'm such a cat person.

[encouragingangel]

dear angel of butterscotch,
i am so, so very sorry for your loss and sadness. please know that you are not alone, and that many feel pain that is similar. i honor all your precious years with your dear cat, and know the deep, deep, indescribable loss this is. When our animals witness our lives and many years, it seems incomprehensible that that could ever end.
if you believe that it doesn't end spiritually, that's a certain kind of comfort, however it doesn't replace the physical loss.
my 16 year old cat jupiter died 2 months ago today, and i am still astonished by the depth of pain i feel at times. the pain changes shape and form, and there is some gladness starting to appear.
sending blessings to you.

[Ann H]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Butterscotch. The pain is so bad when we lose them. Just let the tears flow from your eyes. You should not try to hold them back they are for healing. It will take a long time to learn to live without your baby. I don't think I would have made it without our members everyone here is so wonderful.

That's to bad your boyfriend is allergic to kitties, maybe you could get one of those hairless kitties later on. I know it is to soon to think about it now but maybe that would be an option for you. Come and tell us more about your little Butterscotch. We will help you all we can.
Ann

[luv_my_catz]

Dear One ~ I want you to know you are not alone in your sadness ~ everyone here has experienced the loss of a beloved animal family member ~ I have shared the same experience with the CRF (Kidney Failure) just a month ago when my 20 year old tabby cat named Amber suc%%bed to the final stages of the disease ~ She was with me through thick and thin ~ when nobody else would or could be ~ Let me say that I totally relate to having your sweet angel kitty be your reference point for your world ~ It was that way for me too ~ and also now today ~

Yes I am having to learn to try to find her without her physical presence here by me ~ My heart aches ~ and the familiar environment now looks strange and stilted without her there ~

I want to let you know that Amber had the same symptoms at the end ~ it was a sudden and shocking downward spiral ~ within a week ~ she did not eat or drink and became very weak ~ that is the hardest part for me ~ how suddenly the end stage hit ~

I am so sorry that you are feeling such sadness and loss ~ but in your heart please find a way to understand that there is a huge cloud of love that is growing ~ it is the love that you shared with your dear companion and also the wave of compassion being sent by all who have gone this path before you and are walking it with you now ~ we are all travellers together!

My remembrance candle burns in the kitchen ~ it is in a red crystal holder ~ red for love of my Ambie and for all those other precious babes that have passed ~ I am so glad you found LS ~ please stay ~ let LS help you find your way through this ~ I know I would have been so much more lost if I had not been brave enough to come here and share too~

Peace Be With You ~ Sincere Comforting Thoughts, Kathryn

[Golden327]

I wanted to put up another picture to share of my butterscotch. She was always very interested in anything and when I brought home this huge backpackers backpack, I think she was ready to hop in and go with me off to Europe.
Today is better, and harder. It's another day that I know I'm living without her there. it feels as if each day I'm getting further and further from her.
I also feel guilty. I feel as if I should have went in the room with her when they put her down. I was afraid, I didn't want to see her lifeless and I only wanted to remember her as alive. But in doing that, I let her go off with a stranger. She didn't know her, and had to end her life confused. I feel horrible. If I had it to do again, I'm still not sure I could have done it. But maybe it would have been better, to be with her, and hold her as she passed away.
Has anyone else experienced this guilt? Which way did you do it?
I'm confused and hurting still.

Kendra

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[Nank]

Oh Kendra,
You did the right thing..remember Butterscotch as she would want you to remember her.
We had to send our Panther to Rainbow Bridge two weeks ago. There is not one mo,ent i do not miss him and wonder if we did the right thing. She was with you a very long time and it will take time to heal the pain. You will look for her everywhere..that is natural..and you will feel overwhelming saddness at times. People have told me it will get better. it has not for me yet, but there are moments when I look at a chair he loved and imagine him there.
Butterscotch will send you a sign that she is happy and OK. Keep you eye out for it.Mine came that night when I was out on the porch looking at the pure white sky and a sloid black cloud formation floated by..as black as my dear boy,Panther.
You will need to comfort your sweet dog. He will be grieving, too, and will comfort you back.
My thoughts are with you in your sorrow...

Nank and Panther (GA)

[FurBabyMom]

Kendra,
I'm sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through, I lost my Friskie last July, he was 16.

Please don't feel guilty about not being in the room with Butterscotch. I'm she wouldn't have wanted you to remember her that way.

Thanks for sharing your pictures.

Hugs,
Dawn

[kimberlyheide]

Kendra,

I understand what you are going thru. I lost my favorite cat Bubba last december to cancer, he was 14 1/2. I usually stay with my babies when they have had to be put to sleep, but with Bubba the vet wanted to do exploratory surgery to see what exactly was going on. Bubba got ill so fast that he was declining so fast that there was not alot of time for tests. I knew in my heart that he was never going to wake up from the surgery so I told him how much I loved him. 1 hour after we left the vet, I got the call that told me he had cancer and he needed to be put to rest. I gave my permission. Do I have second thoughts on this? every day I think of how I could have done things differently, and how I should have been there till the end. The outcome still would have been the same, leaving me with a broken heart and missing him horribly. It is all a part of this grieving process. I know that our babies loved us unconditionally as we loved them. We did not let them down. Our love for them is such a strong bond and I don't think that it ends in death. They are still with us in spirit.

My thoughts are with you,

kim

[Jazzygirl]

Kendra,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I love her name! Butterscotch. It makes me imagine that her coat was so rich and soft.
We can all relate to those first days and weeks when life somehow goes on, yet without our beloved. You think "how can the world keep turning?" Well...it does. And you have to learn to live life without her...and let's face it, it sucks. There's no prescription or remedy...you just do it. The pain will ebb and flow but the important thing is to allow your grief to come out when it needs to. She was such a HUGE part of your life...it will be hard. But you have this place to help you.
Take care
Audrey

[Golden327]

Audrey, i was reading what you wrote in your other post about your sweet dogs. So much of it is what I'm feeling. I was sitting in class today, and looked down at the jeans I wore when I took her to the vet on saturday. Her nails were somewhat long and had pulled on a few threads on my jeans. Then my sweatshirt had a few of her hairs on it just from being around the house. I didn't want to pull them off. So many times I brushed her and was covered in her hair. The night at the vet, i was wearing a fleece. When the vet took her the last time, she said "oh, now you're covered in hair" and all I could think was "I wish it could stay that way" I wish that I could have the trouble of dealing with her hair on me for years more. But I knew this would be the last time. Growing up I could never have a dark coat or fleece because it would be covered. For work my uniform is black pants and when I came home, if I didn't change right away, I didn't want Butterscotch jumping on my lap because I'd be covered in her hair. I would give anything for those chances again, to have her climb on my lap and sit there.
There were times I was watching tv, and she would crawl on my stomach and stretch her paws out above my shoulder, or she would nudge her chin under mine. I felt as much like a mother then as I ever have in my life(no children yet).
I think that my favorite thing about my kitty was our special hello. I would kiss her forehead when she was on my lap, then she would lean her head up and lick my forehead. It was our special little exchange. The last thing I did was kiss her on the forehead. She was too weak to really kiss me back.... but I hope she knew that it was what I always cherished about her.
It's still hard. I had to go and coach today. I coach a JV(sophomores in high school) softball team at a local high school. The varsity coach is a big animal lover (3 cats and 3 dogs) and she asked me if I was alright because she sensed something was up. I tried to tell her but just started crying again, even though i thought I was alright. One of the girls on varsity gave me a hug too. I tried to focus on softball, but it's still really hard.
Our Golden Retriever is doing better. She seems alright. I broke down crying to her earlier and she got up and stood near me. Then when I went and sat on the couch, she layed on the floor below me, but kept her head up on the couch looking at me, letting me know she was there for me.
I know you all mention a sign from your pets saying that they are alright. I'm not sure what to look for. I heard her collar jingle today. it took me a second before I realized that it couldn't have been her.

I'm so glad that I found this site. It's easier for me to get my grief out. My boyfriend and mom have been great, but I don't want to wear them down that much.
I spent today looking through old photo albums and pulling out pictures from when I was younger. I have a couple of us throughout the years, and some cute ones of her as a kitten. I think I'm going to scan them in and maybe make a memorial website. Something to express my love and make some sort of memory for her. It's the only thing I can think of. I see the pictures and I reach out to them wanting to touch her one more time, wanting to hold her, and rub her belly(I was the only one she allowed to do this).
I know I'll get better... it just hurts a lot now. I think I am going to the humane society tomorrow or the next day and take in her leftover bag of purina food and two litter boxes of hers that are only a couple of months old. I also want to go in and see the other cats there. Something tells me in my heart that it will make me feel better. I'm not sure if it will be good for me or not. I can't take another one home, but I think just holding a cat will help me a little bit. Regardless though I don't want to just throw her stuff away. I'd prefer it to go to good use for someone starting off that wonderful relationship.

People tell me that cats are unloving and they don't understand them. I think you have to have a cat to know what it's like. To know the love they really do hold. Cats are such amazing creatures. My butterscotch always knew what to do for me.

My Top Ten memories of Butterscotch(at least for today)
1. The way she used to crawl under my sheets and bite my toes and I had to sleep while holding my sheets down
2. How she used to paw at Mario and Luigi on the TV screen when she was a kitten
3. The way she would wake me up by laying down right in front of my face
4. The way she would greet us at the door when we got home
5. How she would climb onto the small of my back when I was slept. She always just felt so warm and soothing
6. The playful banter she always had with all three of our golden retrievers throughout the years. She let them know who was boss
7. The way she would lay between our old Golden's paws and bathe her
8. How when I got her as a christmas present, she jumped right out of the box and into my lap
9. The feeling I got when I was so upset, and she would crawl onto my stomach and nuzzle me
10. her jumping at a bat that invaded our house just last summer.

There are so many more memories. But those are the first ten that came to memory. I love her so much. That will always be in present tense.

thanks for listening...
Kendra

Here's a picture of our Golden Cinnamon,and my sweet Butterscotch, warming themselves by our gas fireplace.

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[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Kendra,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Butterscotch. I know how devastated you feel as she was such an important member of your family. Glad Cinnamon is doing better. It's difficult to face that your beloved buddy is physically gone from your sight but remember that she'll always live in your heart.........always. That's a really nice picture of Cinnamon and Butterscotch.

Take care and come here often. Things will get better in time.

Hugs,
Lynn

[luv_my_catz]

Dear Kendra ~ I loved the reply you wrote to Audrey and the photos you shared ~ what a wonderful expression of feelings ~ the things you share are filled with the spirit of you and Butterscotch ~ and how she is such a huge part of the life you live ~ I say that in present tense because over the past weeks I have learned that although the earthly body changes ~ there is a mystery of life I have gotten closer to ~ it has something to do with the fact that our souls are forever connected to those we have and continue to love ~ Your whole post there is such a light in the dark ~ filled with love ~ it helps me ~ You are so brave ~ Every day I come "here" to LS and read the messages ~ many times I am too filled with emotion to post my own feelings ~ but reading and replying to others is such a gift in the journey of my own healing ~ there are such vast spaces of emptiness in my spirit ~ and I too want to move forward with Amber forever in my heart ~ and part of my souls definition. ~ I know I will be there one day ~ but for now I am learning each day what it means to no longer have Amber here ~ it is so hard to continue on with the details of life ~ yet we somehow find a way ~ and for me part of that process is being part of the LS Community ~ Thanks to you and all ~ Sincerely, Kathryn

[Golden327]

I'm still fighting with my guilt. I know eventually it will go away, but it still hurts for now. I think of the last few days... I was really busy and didn't spend as much time with her as I should have. Her last night here at the house, I wasn't here. I had previously made plans to go down to my boyfriends. If only I had known it would have been her last night. I think I was still figuring that she would get better, that it wasn't anything serious. My mom took her in to her room that night though and she slept in my mom's bed. So at least she wasn't alone. Though I still feel guilty that I wasn't with her. Then saturday I had plans to go to the Detroit Pistons game. I was going with three friends, and they all only knew each other through me, so for me to bail last minute would have meant a very awkward time for them. I wanted to stay with Butterscotch, but I felt bad ditching my friends. Still i thought that she would be alright. Perhaps it was only a virus and something that could be fixed at the vet with some medicine.
It's all those what ifs that we struggle with after a loved one is gone. I was at my boyfriend's last night and it's all I could think about. The fact that I was there, and not with my cat when she needed me. I cried on his shoulder for awhile. He's been so supportive. he never grew up with animals, just fish. he tries so hard to understand what I'm going through and I love him for that.
I was going to take her newer litter boxes and some food and kitty litter to the humane society today.. but I still don't have it in my heart to go. I want to go in and see the kitties and older cats. Just maybe to hold them and feel their warmth. Will it hurt me more, or help me? I'm not sure. I think maybe I'll wait and go when a friend can go with me, so I'm not all alone.
Does anyone know if they will even take donations like these? They are very clean and I would hate to just throw them away. But as my boyfriend is very allergic to cats, I don't see myself being able to get one in the near future.

I'm crying a little less every day... I'm getting there, just not sure where "there" is

Kendra

[Golden327]

I wanted to share this photo of my baby. This is the first day I ever met her. I got her as a christmas present from my mom. So this is me, Christmas of 1988, I was 7 years old.

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[Golden327]

And one more of her that same week. She was always a pouncer and a curious little kitty!

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[Rusty's Mom]

Hi Kendra,

What precious pictures of you and little Butterscotch.

Lynn

[kimberlyheide]

Kendra,

Yes, I think that the humane society will take the newer litter boxes and dishes. I always donated to the Cat Care Society in Lakewood Colorado. They had a thrift shop so I would go thru my closets and donate all my clothes that I didn't wear anymore.

Your pictures of you and Butterscotch are precious. Your Butterscotch lived a long life with lots of love. I know its so hard not to get the "what if's" and all the guilt associated with them, I am still fighting my own "what if's". We get the guilt feelings because we loved them so much. They knew how much we loved and cared about them and that bond is still there. My thoughts are with you.

Kim

[Kathleen032]

Dear Kendra,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Butterscotch. You've posted such adorable pictures of her...I can understand how sad you must be feeling. You've come to the best website to help with grieving the loss of a dear pet.

You, Butterscotch, and Cinnamon are in my thoughts.
Kathleen

PS - I loved reading about your 10 favorite memories of Butterscotch...I especially liked the one about the bat! What a brave little kitty!

[Golden327]

I think I may have my sign. I'm not sure, but I think I'll take it as that. My cat had this habit... anytime we were eating a turkey sandwich, she would come over and beg for some turkey. She would stick out her paw towards the sandwich and just look so darn cute wanting some!
Well, my dog could never care less. Sure she hoped we would drop some scraps, but she would wait for us to drop some before she actually got up to get it. Well the last two days, anytime my brother or I ate a turkey sandwich, my dog would come over and sit right in front of us and stare straight at us, as if begging for some. She's never had this behavior before.
I think it's Butterscotch's way of telling me she's ok, and sending Cinnamon to do her dirty work. She let us know that even though her body is gone, she's still hanging around.
I wanted to thank you all for your kind words. It's really helped me get through this tough time knowing that there are people that understand and are so compassionate.

Kendra

[Nank]

Kendra,

...that sounds like a sign to me. Only you will know it, I think..Animals have a special bond with other animals sometimes and can pass some of their spirit to them. You were a wonderful Mommy to your sweet Butterscotch and you" took her pain as your own." I read that many places when we sent our Panther to The Bridge and it is so true. She was a beautiful girl and brought you many many years of special moments and memories. And in the end, that is all we will ever have because they just can't stay with us as long as we need them.

Keep your chin up..

Nank and Panther (GA)