My Jazzygirl Options

[rsmiller]

Hi Audrey, I'm so sorry about Jasmine. Reading your post just broke my heart, I cried from start to finish. What an awful experience to go through. Your experience sounded so familiar to my own. I lost Teddy unexpectedly 4 days ago, so I know the shock and disbelief that you go through. One minute he was with us and perfectly fine, the next he was gone. I have never myself experienced grief this deep before, so I can't even try to tell you what is "normal" or what to expect, but I can say that like you, sometimes I feel numb, other times I can't stand the pain. I teach also, and will be returning to school tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
I am so glad Jasmine had a person who cared for her as much as you obviously do. Take care of yourself and Bailey. You are in my thoughts.

[Jazzygirl]

Thank you...I read about Teddy in your other thread. I'm so terribly sorry.
Going back to work wasn't quite as bad as I thought. I dreaded getting up this morning, dreaded getting ready, dreaded going into the building, dreaded going into my class....but once the kids started coming in, it wasn't so bad. Like I said before in another post, they weren't all over me with sympathy...I guess it shows that they truly understand the depth of my pain. Luckily I was so busy today that the day flew by. It looks like the next couple of weeks will be crazy too and then FINALLY April vacation will be here. You'll get through it....just focus on what needs to be done.

[Kathleen032]

Hi, Audrey-

I'm glad that your first day back to school went well. I remember when Shiloh first died, I looked forward to being at school...it gave my emotions a little break from my deep grieving. It was the ride to work and the ride home that were so difficult.

You continue to be in my thoughts.
Kathleen

PS-I teach biology too

[Jazzygirl]

Thanks Kathleen.
Wow I've posted on here a few times today, feeling pretty strong for once.
Now, as I type this....it was one week ago tonight...it started about this time. I was going to bed...she was fine...then not. My stomach has suddenly knotted up. Sorta unexpected...but not because I've read how so many people on here have reacted to anniversary days. Guess I was in denial.

[Caroline]

Audrey-

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Jasmine. I overwhelmed by your story and am so sorry that you and your precious little one had to experience that. I lost my chocolate lab Lucy on February 4th. She had lymphoma, same as Kathleen's dog Shiloh and was also 5 years old when she died. It took me awhile to find the courage to post, but it helped so much.

Everything you wrote about the way you were/ are feeling was and still is so familiar to me. We received Lucy's diagnosis in January then lost her in February. I went through shock, sickness, denial, devestation, you name it. At first I didn't want to eat, but gradually that passed. I also distanced myself from people, even though most of them were well meaning. I couldn't relate to anyone who wasn't suffering as much as I was at the time. To be honest, I am still in a place where I am not terribly social, as it was such a traumatic event, and I feel that recovering is an ongoing process.

It's funny how many of us are in the educational field. I work part time at a school as a speech therapist and I didn't think I could bear going back to work, but as Kathleen said, it was somehow a little therapeutic to give my emotions a little bit of "down-time." I even told a couple of my students and they were really supportive.

When we found out that Lucy was sick, I told my husband that I never wanted to get another dog because the pain of losing Lucy was so intense. As it turns out, we found out about a dog that was going to be put down at a local shelter that looked a lot like Lucy. I know you are never supposed to try and replace your lost pet, and I don't think we did that, but something about this dog drew me to him. To make a long story short, we adopted him. I thought he was at least part lab because he looked so much like Lucy, but he is actually a German Shorthair Pointer mix. I am learning many new things about this breed and while "Fergus" is no Lucy, I wouldn't expect him to be. He is a different animal, but he is bringing joy to our lives and helping us deal with the grief of losing Lucy. Somehow, I think she would approve of us opening our home to a dog that truly needed it.

I know what a painful time this must be for you...I am thinking of you, Bailey and your beloved Jasmine. I light a candle every week for Lucy, it helps me feel like her spirit and memory live on...sometimes a little ritual like that helps with the grieving process. Take care of yourself...

Caroline

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hi Audrey --
It's like that . . . one minute feeling sort of okay and then . . . all of a sudden . . . the bottom falls out and you fall to pieces all over again. I still do it sometimes almost one year later. So, I've been on this site for almost a year now, and it's pretty much been the same for almost all of us. Hang in there, sweetie. You have a very long way to go and many more tears to cry, I expect -- but things will get better gradually. It won't always, continuously feel so unbearable.

By the way, I did pretty much pack Maggie (the poodle) up that night and was going to take her to some friends or something, but I realized that she didn't mean to kill my precious little bird. I blamed myself, of course -- I was right there in the next room trying to find a poem to post for Hannah's 3-month anniversary. Babe was singing one minute on top of his cage, which I had placed high up in the center of a table -- the next minute he was screaming . . . Maggie didn't understand what she had done. When I adopted Maggie, I felt so sad for her. I told her I knew she had lost someone she loved and that I had too. So . . . yes, now I do love little Maggie. She's a good little dog, really. She just can't be around birds!

I adopted a little feral cat a few months ago too. They are wonderful to have, and they both welcomed me today when I got home. No one will ever take the place of my tiny little Hannah girl though -- not ever -- but there are so many little animals out there who need love and good homes. So I want to do my part and try to help and, of course, they do help me too. It's awfully lonely without my Hannah, but it would be even worse if I didn't have Maggie and Sophie, even though still I hardly ever look at them or touch them without thinking of Hannah. They are a constant reminder of the precious little girl that is no longer in this world with me. I sometimes slip and call Maggie Hannah too and I actually have called Sophie "Phoebe," who was my kitty and Hannah's kitty who lived to be 17.

I am glad things went well at school today. I know this is a really rough night for you. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts. -- I'm really looking forward to seeing the photos of your baby!
Love,
Marcia

[Jazzygirl]

Caroline....a GSP mix?? Since both my dogs are GSP's (well past-tense for Jasmine I guess), I can tell you anything you want to know about the breed! Especially since Jazzy was the typical crazy independent GSP and Bailey is the slower-moving clingy snuggle bug GSP. So I know both extremes! I also recently started volunteering for GSP Rescue of New England. In time, it's my hope I'll be strong enough to give a great life to another GSP...for Jazzy. She would want that I think. Email me or PM me if you want to talk more about GSP's!
Marcia, thanks for sharing all that. And thanks for thinking of me last night. I went to bed shortly after that post, although I admit I was almost paralyzed with fear. I felt like I was re-living it all over again. I was so afraid that Bailey would go outside and then come in and collapse. Needless to say, I slept like crap...I kept waking up every hour. At one point, I awoke with a start, looked over and thought Jasmine was sleeping next to me. When I reached out, I realized it was just my other pillow.
Today was better at work. Actually, one of my classes bought me a card and they all signed it. It was so sweet and they wrote such beautiful things. I got it in my school mailbox this morning and naturally it made me cry. That class meets last in the day so I had all day to prepare a little thank you speech. Then, as I started talking....I got choked up with emotion. Teaching high school, you don't usually get gifts or stuff from your students. So the fact that one of them went and bought me a card is so special to me.
I will work on getting some pics scanned for you guys.

[dawnb93]

Audrey, I'm so sorry for your loss. As I read your posts, it was scary how similar our stories are. Nikki was "my" first dog when I got out of the Police Academy. I had her for eight wonderful years and then she was ripped from us. We had no idea that anything was wrong until about two days before her death. The vets at the hospital that I've been going to for 26 years (since I was a child) took a sample of the fluid in Nik's chest and found that she was bleeding also. They did do exploritory surgery, however, and found that her liver and pancreas were destroyed by cancer. She died in my arms two days after entering the hospital. And I, too, have another dog at home. I completely understand. Two sets of everything, but only one dog. I 've gone through the house and collected all of Nik's toys and placed them in a box. I can't bring myself to throw them away, but don't know what to do with them. Kasha won't touch them, as if out of respect for her late sister. Anyhow, know that you are certainly not alone in your pain and that we are all here for support. The people on this site have been such a source of comfort to me in the past two weeks. I'm not generally good with words and I'm still very early in the grieving process myself, but I hope to be able to return the favor someday. Take care of yourself and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Dawn

[Jazzygirl]

Thanks Dawn. I've been following your story in your posts and I also feel your pain. Your Nikki was beautiful.
Isn't it funny how so many of us have similar experiences? I feel like your story further confirms the vet's diagnosis of Jasmine's condition. All the roads lead back to cancer. Aren't dog's amazing that they never let on that something is wrong? They truly are incredible creatures.
Bailey has been playing with all the toys in the house because they never really segregated their stuff. Part of that was probably due to the fact that Jasmine was SO dominant and she would take what she wanted and Bailey was so submissive to her that he just let her. Poor guy. LOL There was only one toy that she absolutely LOVED and he never really cared about so it doesn't surprise me that he ignores it now.
This aside, I took Bailey to the pet store last night to get some more food. I usually didnt' take them both that often because they'd be a handful in there...Jasmine pointing at the guinea pigs and Bailey lunging for the toys. LOL But last night I took him and spoiled him ROTTEN! I got him a new stuffed toy that he loves...for some reason he loves this green pepper that grunts. LOL I also got him a new smoked bone. He has 3 others but they're wearing down and Jasmine chewed them too so it's probably best he get a new one of his own. THe girl at the register loved him and when I told her I had just lost Jasmine, she felt so bad she bagged up those free treats they keep on the counter for the dogs! LOL
Anyway, I think I'm in the denial stage. I've been able to tell people at work what specifically happened with Jasmine and not get choked up. It feels like a dream and another life.

[Jazzygirl]

I feel sad today...nothing in particular sparked it...I just woke up this way. I just finished a short cry session as I was reading other people's posts. I miss her a lot today.

[Kathleen032]

Dear Audrey,

I was just reading your last two posts and I remembered how I felt in the days that followed Shiloh's passing. Like you, I remember it feeling like a dream, or something that really didn't happen. My vet is only about a mile from my house and until I got Shiloh's ashes back, when I'd drive by her office, I'd think that Shiloh was there. Getting her ashes back was like the first big step in accepting the fact that Shiloh had died.

The first few weeks and months are so hard...you'll have good days and think that you're doing really well, then out of the clear blue sky, you'll have a really bad day. I remember doing really well for a while, and then about 3 months after Shiloh died, I had a major set back and laid on the floor where Shiloh used to lay and just sobbed. All of that to say, this grief thing is a long process...you'll have good days and bad days, but as time goes by the good days will out number the bad days.

Hang in there,
Kathleen

[Jazzygirl]

Thank you Kathleen. Yeah, yesterday was one of those days. I cried alot last night. I kept looking at her pic and saying to her "I'm sorry I couldn't save you." Needless to say I'm not sleeping well at all. This morning you could count the bag under my eyes. I finally scanned in the pic I had done of them Nov-Dec 2004. Jazzy is on the right. You can kinda tell because she's doing her primadonna look. She was such the queen. I miss her pretty face.
And Bailey, well, he's just a big goofball.

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Audrey,

What a beautiful picture of Jazzy and Bailey. They're so perfectly posed We all go through the denial stage when we lose our precious pets. It's easier than facing the reality of it all. But eventually we have to do that and it's so hard. It does seem like a strange dream without our furry friends in our lives. Hang in there and know that this emotional rollercoaster you're on is all part of the process.

Lynn

[Caroline]

Audrey- wow...they are a beautiful pair. You can tell from Jazzy's eyes that she had a lot of character. What a nice picture to remeber her by. I am sure that Bailey is taking it hard too. Today is 8 weeks exactly that Lucy passed. I miss her so much.

Fergus is fitting in nicely with our family. He is almost all chocolate brown, with a white frecled patch on his chest. He has a lot of energy which I hear is typical of the GSP breed. Unfortunately, we can't let him off leash to run in a field or dog park because he will just take off and we would never be able to catch him. He doesn't come when he is called outside of the house. We have enrolled him in obedience classes and hopefullay he will learn to mind us off leash a little better. In the house he is perfect. I guess after being locked up in a shelter, he craves the freedom of running and exploring. He is a beautiful dog and I am excited to learn more about the breed...There seem to be so many GSPs that need homes around here (in Northern California). I wish I could take them all...

You will have your bad days and your better days, and after awhile, you will actually have "good" days again too. It is a difficult process that I still struggle with. Lucy's 6th birthday is coming up next week, and I know that will be a hard day for me to get through...

Take care of yourself...Caroline

[Jazzygirl]

Thank you Lynn. Yeah, it took a lot of rearranging and shifting but I finally managed to get them side by side and I had to help the camera guy get their attention. Jasmine kept looking away like "Ho, hum." LOL So I stood right behing the lens and said "wanna cookie?" and that worked. It was total luck that they both ##ed their head in the same direction.
And thank you Caroline. Yes, when I look at this pic, it's her eyes that get me. My sister always said "When Jasmine looks at you, she's looking right down to your soul!" She was very intense and intellegent. You can see in Bailey's eyes he's a bit more silly. Jasmine also had some of my own facial expressions believe it or not. LOL
Yes, GSP's need to run and they crave freedom, especially ones that are in shelters. A GSP in a shelter is worse than jail for them. And unless they are well trained, you can't fully trust them off-leash because if they see something they perceive as prey, they take off. That was a great idea to sign up for obedience. They are pretty good with that...although Jasmine was super stubborn at times. It took me a long time to wean her off the leash. I was always SOOOO lucky though...because 90% of the time in a field she would come back. A few times she ran off if there was a distraction, like birds, etc. For the past 7 yrs, I have been taking them in the woods on the hiking trails...safe from any roads and cars. They amazed me how fast they learned the trails and never left my sight for more than a few min. They would run ahead but always come back. Bailey learned from her. They really don't like being too far from their owners. The one thing that took me a while to learn was that Jazzy always knew where I was, even if I didn't know where she was. I had to learn to trust her. I would say the only time she really blatently ignored me was on the beach. For some reason she used to bark at the waves. She would let them hit her and she would bite at them. When I tried to get her out of the water, she would ignore me. TOTALLY. I would get so mad! And this is a dog who HATED water...even rain. But if there were waves, forget it.
So I guess what I'm saying is that go with the lessons, stick with it and it will all work out.

[Jazzygirl]

Well it's been 2 weeks today....or it will be tonight. I cried myself to sleep last night. I tried to "talk" to Jasmine as I was laying there, but it just hurt so much. I don't feel her around me at all. But then again, another thought occurred to me. When I imagined her spirit around me, I suddenly felt afraid. I don't know why. So maybe that's why I dont' feel her? I'm afraid to? Does that make sense?
I called the vet today to make Bailey's annual appt for 2 weeks. It was harder than I thought it would be....to only make an appt for ONE dog. I told the receptionist that I wanted to spend some time talking to my vet about what happened to Jasmine. So I told her to make sure they had all the records from the emergency vet. I just think I'll feel better talking to him about it. And also maybe find out if we can test Bailey for anything "hidden".
I found a professional pic of Jasmine I had taken when she was 7 months old. Even then she had intense look...and she looks like such a baby! They really do change like kids do. I'll see if I can scan that in for you all, and also some other ones I have around.
Hope everyone is doing well.

[Jazzygirl]

I just wanted to post again today....it's 2 weeks right NOW. It makes my stomach tighten up still. Yet at the same time, it feels like another lifetime. I'll probably cry again tonight in bed. I can't help it. I wish I could kiss her head one more time. Her ears were as soft as velvet. My favorite spot to kiss was on her temple. She would lean her head into me when I was loving her. I miss her energy. I keep playing with Bailey and walking him and trying to be normal. It still rips my heart out every time I leave the house and have to leave him alone. He gives me that sad look and I just want so badly to run back in the house and back into bed instead of going to work.
Speaking of work...I have this HUGE festival I'm organizing for next week and I've barely started working on it. I just have no motivation for work or much of anything. Life just seems so blah now. I almost feel like I'm lying to Bailey...trying to pretend like our life is good and happy.
Coming here helps me so much....to know that people actually care and have taken the time to read my posts. It helps more than you know. My closest friends here have barely shown me any sympathy. I'm a bit shocked to tell you the truth. Anyone who knows me, nevermind my CLOSEST friends, knows how much my dogs mean to me. How much I sacrificed for them. Never going away on overnight trips...always having to go home first from work to take care of them before going out with my friends. They always came first. ALWAYS. Hell, I've barely taken a long vacation in the past 8 yrs. And yet not one of my friends here has even given me a sympathy card??? I got one from my sister and my dad/stepmother. IMy students gave me a beautiful one. I even got one from my vet!! So I guess I'm shifting into some of the anger part of grief. Angry that Jasmine is gone, and angry that while verbally people showed support in the first few days, hardly anyone has made that extra effort. Am I being selfish?? I could cry right now as I write this.
Like I said, thank you all SO MUCH for caring enough about me to read this. I'll be forever grateful.

[Paulina&Tory]

When we suffer so much; it is so difficult dealing with the silence. I need support and You as well. Sometimes the internet can be silent to me . In the early moments of grief and loss it is so dark. Paulina is having much suffering and grief over the loss of Ollie. We also found some suprises about who was really there for you. And also not many could really feel your pain and grief for you.I can only hope that the lives of our loved pets and the times we spent together will shine from our hearts.

Tory&Paulina

[JoniMueller]

I just joined this forum tonight and already I've seen so much consideration and compassion here. We are all here because we love animals. You have a gift of words; when I read your first post, it felt like it was happening to me. My cat was elderly when he died last November. It was something that I knew would happen and could anticipate. Not that THAT made it easier. But to be happy with your pet at your side one minute, and the next minute in a frenzy at the vet's office, and then BAM, your angel is gone. I don't know what I would do in that situation.

Anger is a natural part of the process, so I'm told. And because here there is so much sympathy and support, it contrasts greatly if elsewhere in our lives people -- especially people who know us well -- don't even give us the consideration that virtual strangers here at this site do. I don't know what to say about that.

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Audrey,

Those who don't love animals as we do simply can't understand what we go through when we lose them. Only true pet lovers can can understand the pain. It's not that your friends don't care about you. They just don't know what you're feeling right now. I'm glad your students understand and your sister, dad and stepmother, too. That must have made you feel better. You either feel the way we all do here or you don't. I don't think there's any "in between". Thank goodness for LS.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Lynn