How Can I Overcome This Sense Of Loss & Guilt?, My Cat Preston Options

[Prestons_Dad]

I had to have my cat Preston put to sleep Monday. I buried her and then had to get on a plane to go on a business trip to Washington, D.C. I'm still on that trip, but just going through the motions. She was my friend for 11 years. Our time together started when I was on another business trip in Dallas. I was staying at a hotel called the Preston Suites for a couple of months working on a project. There was this little stray cat that I started feeding and eventually became so attached that I knew I had to take her home. I decided that I would buy her a plane ticket and for the last few days before I was going to leave for home, I kept her in my room with the Do Not Disturb sign on the door so the maid wouldn't let her out. So I took her to the vet in Dallas, went and bought a pet carrier and we both flew home to Kansas City. She didn't have a tail so I thought someone had been mean to her as a kitten but the vet in Dallas told me she was a nationality Bobtail.

She was an awesome and loving cat. I felt guilty over the years leaving her at home while I traveled on business, but my mom lives a few miles away from me so when I was gone, she would make sure Preston had food, water and love. Preston would always be at the top of the stairs to greet me when I got back.

Four months ago I moved to a new house with my girlfriend. About a month after I moved I noticed Preston started throwing up a yellow substance. I pretty much ignored it for a couple of weeks just thinking it would go away. It didn't and she started losing weight. I took her to the vet and they did blood work, x-rays and a sonogram. She had elevated liver enzymes. The doctor said he could do exploratory surgery, but I thought that at her age maybe that wasn't a good idea. They gave me anti-biotics and Prednisone. I actually thought Preston was turning the corner and going to be fine because the vomiting had stopped. Sunday night I went to see her and she was laying on the floor not moving. We rushed to the emergency vet and they told us her blood sugar was so low it didn't even register on the test and that her weight was now 3 lbs. Just some skin and bones eventhough for the past month I had fed her canned food twice a day and she always had two types of dry food available.

The emergency vet said she wouldn't blame me if I had Preston put to sleep that night, but I just couldn't. I wanted to wait to see what the specialist had to say the next morning. He said that we had tried antibiotics, Prednisone and additional nutrition and that her liver was just failing. I fell apart. Basically I held and patted her while she was being euthanized and even up until the very end she was trying to give me love. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'm devastated and am not functioning very well. I know Preston was at least 12 years old I(when we got home I took her to get her spayed, but when they shaved her belly she already had a scar there) but I was not ready for her to go yet. I am racked by these feelings of guilt -- why didn't I take her for regular checkups, why didn't I ever have her teeth cleaned, did moving trigger some kind of stress that started this whole disease process, did I give up too soon, why didn't have have the exploratory surgery done a month before, why did I wait for a couple of weeks before taking her to the vet? All the times she wanted love while I was working on my computer and she would walk across the keyboard and I would just pat her head and set her down. I miss her so much. It was her and me for many years and then I got engaged to a girl with a dog and then we got another dog and Preston didn't come out of her room anymore because she was afraid.

I just feel like I failed her. I would give anything to have my little friend back and I'm hoping that eventually the pain will go away.

[margo]

We've all been there, I'm going through the same thing now. (Reading your post I envy you, though, because you had your precious friend 12 years, my cat died after just two years in my home--before I got him he had been abused, neglected, and spent many years as a stray.)

Remember, it is only the good pet owners who feel guilty. I felt only guilt at first, thinking of all the times my cat wanted to get in my lap but I had more important things to do...not taking him to the vet sooner.. but now I'm starting to remember the good times as well, and you will do that too. At some point you will have mostly good memories and realize how lucky you were to have her and how lucky she was to have a loving home for 12 years. That is more than so many cats have, including mine. I would have given anything to have had Ashley for 12 years,or at least to know he didn't suffer for most of his life.

It does get better, I promise.

[Solasmom]

Dear Preston's Dad,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. It sounds like you two really had a very special bond. I know the pain and guilt that go with losing a pet. We are full of regret and "if onlys". These first few days will be very difficult. I felt as if I was walking into walls, I was so out of it when my cat Solas died from FIP after 16 wonderful years together. I don't know how you find the strength to be working. I think that the feelings of guilt are natural and speak to the amount of love you have for your Preston. It's hard to not blame yourself in time's like these, but you sound like a very responsible and loving pet owner to me.

It will get better. Keep coming back here. it helps to talk to those of us who have lost a beloved friend too.

Ariel

[Kathleen032]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Preston.

I was so touched by the story of how you and Preston came to know each other. It sounds like you had an amazing bond with her.

I think we all go through the "I should've" and "I could've"...Please try not to torment yourself with those, rather try and focus on the fact that you gave Preston a wonderful life...you loved her, and she loved you...and in the end, that's all that matters.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi,

The others here have already said many good and true things. Please keep these in mind. Preston does NOT want you to blame yourself. You are human, and we humans make many mistakes. But your intentions toward Preston were only loving. It's part of life to get engaged, move into another place, adopt other animals, etc.

Preston knew and knows how much you love him! And you guys will be fully reunited, when it's your time. In the meantime, Preston is experiencing only bliss and is in no emotional pain in the realm he's in. I have no doubts about this. He's still Preston; he's just taken on a different form.

He wants you to be okay. If the roles were reversed, you'd want the same for him.

Love and prayers,

Kathy

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hi Preston's Dad,
What a really wonderful story of the way you and Preston met. That is so neat and so very sweet!

I am glad you found this site. You can go back and read almost each and every post here and you will see that we have all experienced these terrible guilt feelings, the "what if's," "should have's," why didn't I" . . .

It's almost 11 months now since I had my precious, most beloved little Hannah girl put to sleep and I am just now MAYBE coming to terms with most of everything, but things still catch me off guard and I start feeling really bad, thinking I didn't do enough and all that. I didn't have Hannah's teeth cleaned either, and I had been warned about that by one of her vets, but I was afraid -- afraid she might die from the anesthesia. Instead, she got a heart murmur and she had some bad teeth. And then I was too afraid to have her teeth cleaned and pulled because I was afraid she wouldn't make it through that either. I did not want her to suffer, but I still question my decision sometimes. But what I do know is there are no guarantees. (I won't go into it all here, but you can go back and read my posts and you will see.)

I am still working through all of this, but I am beginning to realize that no matter what I ever did or did not do, I did because I loved Hannah. She was my little child.

I also thought of all the times she wanted attention and I didn't give it to her (but she did get very much attention from me most of the time, and I'm sure Preston did from you!). I have adopted an 8-year old poodle and a little feral kitty, and there are times now that they want attention, and I am doing something else -- and it reminds me -- but what I realize now is that there are other things that we do have to do, need to do, and sometimes just want to do -- and that is not wrong. We take care of our animal children as best we can and we love them with all our hearts, and they do know it.

We are human, but we are humans who do give our very best most of the time. No one on this site would have ever let anything happen to their animals if they could help it. Sometimes our fears get in the way, sometimes we do not know what to do, and we make the best decisions we can at the time. Sometimes, I've come to realize, it's not really different than when people don't realize symptoms in themselves are indicative of something more serious or they are too afraid to acknowledge that it might be. That is not wrong, but it is human. I know we are the caretakers of our animals, and I know we all did the best we could and made the best decisions we could. There is no turning back the clock. There is no good way to lose these precious "kids" -- no good way at all.

You will note that there are people who went to extraordinary means and expense to save their animals, and some who felt it was best to let them go without that. Each and every one had their own reasons, and nobody was "wrong." Those who did do the extraordinary often feel they kept their animal here past the time they should have and there are those of us who wish we had tried just one more thing, or tried harder or differently.

Please don't blame yourself. Preston was so very lucky to have met you! I mean, really! You didn't let Preston down at all. You were the very best thing that ever happened to Preston. Please don't ever doubt that. In time, you will feel better, but you will always love and miss Preston, and you will always have her next to you -- in your heart.

I am so sorry.
Love,
Marcia

[Caroline]

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Preston. What a sweet relationship the two of you had...I lost my chocolate lab Lucy 5 weeks ago tomorrow from lymphoma. She had many similar symptoms and was finally diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma. She was five when she died. It was torture watching her become sick. We also gave her prednisone which restored her appetite and energy for a short time. But about 4 weeks after the diagnosis, we had to have her euthanised. It was heart-wrenching, and I still relive it every day. The pain will become less sharp in time. I light a candle for her every Friday night at 6:45 (she passed away at that time on Friday Feb 4th) and I made a scrapbook about her life. It made me feel as though I was doing something to honor her, and that was very therapeutic for me. Hang in there. It's tough, but the feeling of a breaking heart will eventually subside into something more manageable. Know that you are not alone. Preston is very grateful for the life you gave him. What a wonderful daddy you were to him. Your story absolutely touched me...I can't imagine how you must have made Preston feel on an everyday basis...

Caroline

[kimberlyheide]

Dear Prestons dad,

I am so sorry about your loss. What a very special friendship you had with this wonderful little cat that came into your life from the streets. You saved Prestons life many years ago when you brought her into your life. The love you shared will never die.

The hurting and guilt feelings are all part of the grieving process. You did your very best for Preston. If you would have had the exploratory surgery done on her a month ago she may not have survived the anesthetic, because of her age and her condition.

Preston is now at peace, and her little body is no longer hurting her. Her spirit will always be with you.

kim

[Ann H]

Preston's Daddy, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Preston. You may have think you failed her but you did not. You took her and gave her a wonderful home and medical care. You gave her what was most important of all, love. You had to work there was no choice in that, but you said your mom was near by to take care of Preston needs. Maybe in time she would have come out with the dogs. Come often and talk it helps many of us so much.
Ann

[margo]

One thing that helps is to write down little memories of good times you and your pet had together. You will remember more and more good things that happened between you and your pet over the years. You will realize that you really did give your pet a wonderful home and that she had a great life with you.

[SallieMae's ...]

I agree with all that has been said here, I just want to say that I am sorry for your loss. I had to put my SallieMae to sleep about two weeks ago and I still have that guilt and I ask the same questions that you are asking yourself. I believe that when we bring a pet into our lives they simply go with the flow of our routines. We sometimes do take for granted that our pets teeth are healthy their eyes and ears are okay but need some cleaning now and then. We keep them free of fleas and brush the burrs out of their fur if they have them I guess because we can see all of that. We almost never take organs into cosideration, I didn't even consider that my Sallie would have tumors on her spleen or that my cat would be diagnosed earlier this week, with the same thing as Preston . Shack is 15 and has had a long happy life. I don't want to put him through all the surgeries and pokes and prods that my Sallie went through. We will do the best we can with medications and if that doesn't work I too will have to make that decision again and will feel as you feel right now, it seems a normal process to grief and mourning. Where you are now, is only temporary because you will begin to remember all the wonderful things that Preston did to make you as happy as you made her. I am beginning to feel that way about Sallie and the pain is subsiding slowly but surely. Take care of yourself.
Julie