I'm So, So Sorry, FIGHTING GUILT AND PAIN! Options

[CheriAnn]

Hello everyone,

I MUST apologize to EVERYONE in this forum! Most important, to Marcia!!!!
I thought I was being SO strong and "healthy" after the loss of my VERY best friend Rachael. I have been reading and posting advice on here as if I had come such a long way. My husband and I have even gotten another female lab puppy. I have been donating to local shelters in Rachael's name. I honestly thought I was doing SO good!!!

However, I have discovered that I MUST be guilty of the very things we all advise against....trying to run from my feelings!!!!! With the holidays here, I guess it is coming out now full force, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. My husband has brought to my attention that I have become VERY grumpy, short-tempered and EASILY get my feelings hurt. I have no doubt now that I have become a grieving mess.

I have kept myself busy with all the sorrows of everyone else. I have kept myself busy, thinking I was doing good things for the poor furbabies that have no homes. I feel very ashamed of my part in that too. I tried SO hard to adopt a lab/mix from a shelter, but was ignored and then told that dog had found a home. I was VERY happy to hear that! When I tried at another shelter, I found I was treated rude and the people acted like they couldn't be bothered. So, instead of adopting a very needy dog, I ended up getting our puppy from a local breeder I guess I was still running from ANY problem that would bring up emotions in me. I looked for the easy way out. I thought I had convinced myself that I did the best loving thing I could ever do for her, by letting her go.

Then, I recently replied to a post from Punky's Mommy. I think her post brought these emotions crashing to the surface for me. I have been crying again now in floods! Then I read replies from the VERY wise Marcia and Denise, and I felt like a traitor to Punky's Mommy I think she still had hope for her precious Punky, and these wonderful caring women saw that, when I didn't. I have just become a basket case suddenly!!! I feel SO terrible that I may have given some advice that was WRONG or written from a reaction from my OWN guilt in letting Rachael go. I can't begin to apologize enough to you all, especially Punky's Mommy, Marcia and Denise! Marcia and Denise, you are ALWAYS so caring and take the time to REALLY write out loving and kind words of comfort. Oh Marcia, I know you have been having a rough time, and I feel TEN TIMES worse if I have caused you ANY more pain. My reply was ONLY speaking on my OWN guilt and pain! I think my post made me feel terrible, becasue I made a statement about not being selfish by letting her go. Oh dear, I don't mean to imply that anyone else who gives their furbabies a fighting chance is selfish. I only meant that in my case, I felt it would have been selfish to keep her living for my benefit. I am now questioning if I even have a right or should be posting to anyone, when I have let my own grief cause me extreme denial and pain. I am fighting a battle inside myself now, that I need to get a hold of before it eats me up.

I really think I need to just read only for a while until I get myself together. I have obviously NOT finished dealing with my own pain. The holidays have just stopped me in my tracks now and the pain has brought itself back to the surface again.
I miss my Rachael SO much!!!! Just like everyone in here, I would give ANYTHING to have her here with me again.

I hope most of you can understand this. This pain is SO much more than I ever thought it could be. It is also something that will NOT just go away by itself. I kept thinking that I was doing so well. I even told my husband that I was just so strong and Rachael would be so proud of me.

Hugs to all of you for your support and understanding!
I wish you ALL strength and happiness!
Cheri