Christmas, I know it's a sad time this year Options

[BabyHannahsMom]

It is really hard to have a happy holiday this year when we have all lost our precious children. I lost both my mom and dad a long time ago when I was in my 20s. My daddy died the day after Christmas in intensive care.

I never cared much for Christmas after that. It brought back so much sadness, and I missed them both so much. So, after I read so many of the posts here about how so many of you did so many wonderful things for their babies at Christmas with the presents and stockings and everything, I thought OMG, why didn't I do all of that for Hannah!? Then I remembered that was because I was always so sad at Christmas because of my daddy. Now, I am so sad that I didn't make it a special holiday for Hannah. It just breaks my heart!

I am going to try to do something that will be very difficult for me this year. I am planning to get a small tree and a stocking for Hannah and put Hannah's picture under the tree, maybe hang some paper ornaments (pictures of her) on it and decorate it in memory and honor of Hannah. But (this is the hard part) I am going to get stockings for Maggie and for my new kitty and a couple of presents for them too. I always meant to have Hannah's and my picture taken with Santa and to my great regret, I never did it. I cannot do that with Maggie. I just can't. But I am going to have a little Christmas for them, in Hannah's memory and because I can no longer do it for Hannah. This means I have learned something -- I do not want to create more regrets for myself so now I will do what I wish I had done for Hannah. And I will visit my girl's grave and take flowers to put on it. This will obviously not be easy, but I am going to try to do everything I wish I had done for Hannah for these two now BECAUSE if I could take it all back, I would do all of that and so much more for Hannah, but I can't. So this is all I can do. And I hope with all my heart, Hannah will be looking down on us and she will understand, she will know that I am doing this now because she taught me very important things and because I love and miss her so.

I hope this makes sense.
Marcia