Hankie Doo, How to survive a drowning? Options

[Wbaugh]

I have never written anything on this type of forum before, but here goes ... I'm dying here.

Hankie Doo was my sweet, 14 1/2 year old, blind, long haired, black and tan Doxie. He was all mine, but he loved everyone.

Last Saturday he drowned in our pool while we were gone on vacation. My cousin was suppose to be staying the night with him and decided to go out on the town instead, leaving him all alone ... all night. My poor little guy wandered around all night, completely distraught, searching for me. At some point he made his way outside and fell into the pool. I can only imagine how long he tried to tread water before dying a cold and lonely death in a complete panic. I'm so upset. This wasn't suppose to happen.

Now I am home alone. It so quiet. I cannot do anything in this house without the memory of his presence. For 14 1/2 years he slept on my left side. For 14 1/2 years he sat under my computer with me. For 14 1/2 years he laid next to my feet in the kitchen as I cooked and cleaned. He laid on my tummy when I was pregnant and then guarded my baby boy when he was an infant, making sure that all who approached the baby passed his sniff test.

Hankie was my baby before I had a baby. I can't believe how much this hurts.

When we returned home this weekend, I went to see him at the pet cemetery. He was so sweet and soft. He looked like an angel just sleeping in his bed. I cried and cried and apologized for not being there. For leaving him with someone who obviously didn't value him enough. I'm so so sad and so so sorry. Wish I could turn back the clock.

I went to see him again yesterday. It's so hard to let go. I kept stroking his head and fur, trying to implant the feeling deep into my memory. Making a decision to bury or cremate him was the worst. I never imagined it being so hard.

I know that I would have been sad if he had died of natural causes. I had been preparing myself for that over the past few years. I never imagined this. I can't sleep, can't eat. I can't stop thinking about his suffering.

Hankie ... you were the best little dog. I love you so much, and always will. Please forgive me for leaving you that day. I'm so sorry.

All my love,
mama