Unprepared, Unprepared for sudden illness and death Options

[Bronte's Mom]

Hi, I'm knew here and thank-you all for sharing your stories. My baby was ill, unbeknownst to me. Sun Oct 24th I noticed Bronte did not look herself. After visiting the vet, she was found to have an abdomen full of fluid. She had lost 7 lbs from her normal weight, however, it was hard to see from the fluid swelling her body. She never kept a normal eating routine and liked to eat from my roomate's cat's bowl, so I never knew that she had stopped eating. They found some sort of growth, I learned after was a cyst, growing on her liver. Multiple tests were run thet led her to her surgery on Sat Oct 30th. I missed all the signs. Bronte seemed herself until that first vet visit. After enduring multiple needles to drain fluid from her abdomen, and me force feeding her, she slowly deteriorated. She could barely walk, would not purr, and her vocalisation had changed. By Sat. I was convinced that surgery would save her. They held her surgery on Friday because she was too weak. Then Saturday morning rushed her procedure because she was rapidly declining now. She was dehydrated, could not maintain her blood pressure, or her temperature. She was 10-12 degrees cooler than she should have been. Afterwards she went into cardiac arrest twice, before I was able to make it to her side. I was told that mentally she was not recovering as she should have. Something else was going on other than a cyst. Her brain was affected. 6 days after I first noticed something was wrong, I had to have her put to sleep. I didn't even get to hold her for a few minutes before she began to have respiratory failure again, and the euthanasia shots had to be rushed. I held her and cried afterwards, unable to believe she was gone and feeling guilt that I couldn't do more. Also I felt immense guilt that I selfishly let her suffer as long as I did, not knowing that something was wrong, and letting her undergo surgery then life saving attempts of CPR. I'm still in denial. I expect her to come running out from under my bed (her favorite hiding place). I can't sleep with the bedroom closed, because she always needed it open to come and go as she pleased. And I keep her shampoo bottle in my room so I can remember how she smelled. Little Bronte was 12 years old. She outlasted most of my jobs, 99% of my boyfriends, and 5 residences. I can't even fathom having another cat after her loss. Now to make matters worse, a tech at the vet's office reportedly got bit so they have to send her remains to the county vet to test her brain tissue for rabies. I'll have to wait 3 additional weeks before she will be returned home to me. People look at me strangely for being so devastated by her death. But as far as I'm concerned she was my child. Does this pain get better? Thanks for listening. I'll try to get a picture of her posted soon.