Oh Finn, My Baby Boy, This isn't normal grief anymore Options

[ConnieJ]

In nine days, it will be one year since my Finn was taken from me, in the prime of his life.

I have lost other pets to death, old age mostly. I have been through the process of losing a beloved pet 6 times. Five of those six times, I have suffered, healed and moved on over time.

For some reason, the one time, with my Finn, in many ways it feels like it did almost one year ago. I relive the joy he gave me before that day, and I relive the horrible day of his death. (For those who don't know me, my cat Finn was lying on the road in front of our house one Sunday morning. To this day don't know if he was hit by a car or killed by some crazy neighbor, which adds to the torture).

I was supposed to be better after a year. In some ways I am--I don't cry 'every' day, or feel that awful almost physical, but not quite, pain in my chest and stomach area that took forever to go away. I even gained back the 10 lbs I lost that first month, since I just couldn't eat.

But I have way too many days and nights of sobbing and aching and missing him so much that part of me wants to die just to be with him again. But I have two other cat babies who are alive and one in particular, Sean, who I feel as connected as I was with Finn. So I will always live for him and cherish every second I have with him.

This year has gone by in a heartbeat. I'm stunned so much time has passed and yet I still see him so clearly, feel his presence, imagine him doing the things he does/did. I can even still smell his little musky body...He's still SO present. My husband intimated he felt the same way and we cried togehter a few days ago.

Some pets make a mark so very deep. I sincerely feel like I lost a child. And I would never say that to someone who actually lost a child, but seriously, I suffer in the same way. I dream of him, I think of him, I agonize over the loss daily... his young life taken so cruelly....

So because this loss is still so dominant in my life and causing me to fall into very dark places, I've decided to seek some professional grief counseling. I know, "it's just a damn cat!!! you say".... Well to anyone who would say that to me now, I will flip them the bird! Finn was important and I hurt, still after so much time and I may be crazy, but I need help to deal with this loss; because I've not found a way to get out of the grief and sadness on my own. It's just not "normal loss of a pet grief" anymore. It's affecting my ability to live a happy, 'normal' life.

As I sit here sobbing, I think, I would cut off my arms to have him back....