My Sweet Jeti Is Gone Options

[misong]

Hello. I'm a new member; my name is Mary. I found this wonderfully supportive group Thursday and I've pretty much been glued here since.

I want to tell my story, but am so filled with sorrow, guilt and regret, I don't know how rational I will be. I'll try to be brief.

It started Monday when my precious Jeti, a 14 year old red miniature poodle, woke limping and favoring her left front leg. The limp soon disappeared, and I forgot about it. Then Tuesday the leg was worse. And she moaned a little under her breath. She held the leg up, couldn't put weight on it and folded her foot under at the joint. I sent her with my son, who lives with me, to the vet, when they opened. I'm disabled; use a wheelchair. I talked to them on the phone and sent a note with pertinent information. Ken, my son, returned later with Jeti and three medications for pain. And with a message that Jeti's prognosis looked bleak. I weas shocked. The vet said it wasn't Jeti's leg that was bothering her, it was her cervical spine. They took X-rays of her back and showed them to Ken. He said the spine looked bad.

Except for the leg, though, she seemed fine--fully alert, eating, drinking, etc. I asked the vet if I should give the meds separately or all together. She said they didn't interfere with one another and could be given together, so, at 1:00 PM I gave her all three, with food, as instructed. Around 6:00 PM, Jeti started falling apart. She vomited, first the food she had eaten, then a thick substance filled with blood. Ken took her to the ER. They gave two new meds, one for nausea and one for healing the stomach lining. They said to stop the Rimedyl. They said that med is what caused the lining of the stomach to bleed. I got one dose down her. She became agitated and was wheezing. She usually sleeps on the bed with me, but I was afraid she'd try to get off and fall; by now she was unsteady on her legs. So I made a bed by the side of my bed and tried to get her to lie down. She didn't lie down all night and paced around. I had to be alert and keep her from Nikki, my other 14 year old poodle, who is an alpha dog and very territorial. Jeti didn't need to have to deal with her. She drank a little water and immediately threw it up.

By morning, she was having difficulty breathing. As soon as the vet opened, I sent her back with Ken. They started IV fluids (she was dehydrated) and gave her oxygen. They did blood work and said her creatnine was 5 and should be 2. If the IV fluid didn't bring it down, there was no hope. And, even if it did, she had multiple problems: Kidneys shutting down, bad heart, congenital esophegeal problem, and her cervical spine problem. I was shocked because I take my little ones for regular checkups and no one has ever indicated that Jeti had a serious problem. I knew she had a heart murmur, but I didn't know it was serious. I told the vet that and she said the murmur was loud.

Anyway, they treated her that day; the vet said they had to give the fluids slowly because of the bad heart. Ken brought her home for the night. I didn't want her to stay there because no staff would be there. She would be unattended. But when I saw her, I knew she needed what they could give her. She was having difficulty breathing and still needed more fluid. So I sent her back. But I couldn't stand the thought of her being there alone, feeling so bad and none of her people there to soothe her and make her feel safe. She did have a pillowcase I had used, but there were no words of encouragement. Ken had a talk with me. He told me that she needed to go, to keep her would be selfish on my part. I couldn't stand the thought of her suffering, especially alone and afraid. She had originally been my husband's dog; when he died, she became my shadow. She followed me everywhere and when I left, she parked near the door and waited for my return. She had separation anxiety. The vets had presented the possibiiity of euthanasia but wouldn't come out and tell me to do it. Anyway, from what they told me, even if Jeti survived this (which was doubtful), she probably couldn't live much longer because of all her other serious problems.

By now, the vet place had closed. I called the answering service and wanted to talk to a vet about putting Jeti to sleep. They wouldn't call a vet for that. I looked at my iphone for numbers of vets whom had called me. I called every one of them, several times, and finally a cleaning person answered. I told her what I wanted and she started calling all the vets, finally got hold of one who agreed to call me. She was so nice. She agreed to go back and perform the procedure. She met Ken there, he held Jeti, who relaxed in his arms and went to sleep peacefully.

When Ken came home, I asked him to take everything connected with Jeti and put them away. I couldn't bear to see them. I catch myself making little adjustments that I made for her when she was here. Then I realize it isn't necessary. When I wake, I think she's at the foot of my bed, then see that she isn't. I see a mental picture of her sweet face--the big brown warm trusting eyes. I want to remember how she looked, and I'm afraid I'll forget. She was such a sweetheart. I love her so much.

I called the next morning and told them not to send her to be cremated until I could talk to a vet. I thought I might want to have an autopsy. Someone finally got back to me that afternoon. She said that Jeti had already been picked up and she was frozen anyway and you can't do an autopsy on a frozen body.

Now I wonder if I did the right thing. What if Jeti could have survived and had many more good weeks or months to enjoy life? I feel I let her down. She was such a little dear, so mild mannered, enjoyed running and jumping outside and perfectly content to be near me. She was a joy and I still expect to see her. Every room in the house reminds me of her. She depended on me to take care of her and make the right decisions. I think the Rimadyl is what killed her and I gave it to her. I feel I should have been able to save her, or, to prevent all that happened. She trusted me so much. Was my decision too hasty? I just didn't want her to suffer anymore. How can I live with myself? Life isn't the same without her.

Nikki is probably legally blind and deaf and she has many other problems. I thought she would be the first to go. She's very confused and still paces through the house looking for Jeti. She's usually very independent, but now she approaches me quite often for loving and stroking.

I called the vet hospital back and left a message with the secretary for one of them to return my call; I want to know more about the back problem, and the others. That was Friday. I haven't heard from anyone yet.

I feel so empty. And so lonely without my little shadow. And I still can't believe she isn't here.