I Think We're Coming To The End Options

[magdalene]

A little over five years ago, Eileen, my soul mate kitty, was struck by a car and died. I still miss her and grieve for her. My other kitty, Cayenne, grieved for her too although she seems to have adjusted to life without Eileen better than I have.

Cayenne has had some health problems in the last couple of years. She had cancer, which was treated with surgery and chemotherapy and has been in remission for a while now. She has diabetes, which has been pretty well controlled with insulin and a special diet.

Now she is losing weight, though. she frequently doesn't make it to the litter box in time. She likes to sit on the bathroom counter while I brush my teeth but she cannot jump that high by herself anymore, I have to pick her up. More than that, she just has this look... I don't know how to explain it. She doesn't look well. Something looks off to me. Her pretty long fur is not as well groomed anymore and it looks less fluffy. The expression on her face.... something's not right. I used to work for a hospice and she has the look that my patients had near the end. I don't know how to explain it better than that.

She still loves her canned food and treats. She can hear OK - when I say "dinner!" she comes running. She still joins me in the bathroom and wants up on the counter. She still loves her belly rubbed and purrs. She still loves to be brushed. I don't think she's having any pain. As I type this she is curled up beside me, sleeping.

With Eileen, I had no warning. There were so many things I wished I'd had the chance to do one last time. That's not going to happen with Cayenne. I spend lots and lots of time petting her, brushing her, telling her I love her. I give her treats. I don't get mad when she pees on the carpet one more time. There will be no regrets.

I'm not ready, though. Maybe it should comfort me to think she'll be with her dear friend Eileen but I just keep thinking that then I will be alone.