Missing My Bowie And My Misha Options

[Misha's Mommy]

I can't sleep. I woke up at 3 am thinking of Bowie and remembering he was no longer with me. I miss him so much! This hurt is so deep, so unbearable. I want to scream, but can't - it's 4 am and I don't want to wake my husband.

Letting Misha go earlier this month was difficult. She was 15 1/2 and having so much trouble getting around. Her legs were failing her. She had Cognitive Dysfunction, probable Cushing's Disease, spinal cord compression, high blood pressure (causing mini-strokes). We had been battling multiple issues for 2 years and I made the decision to let her go on August 5th. Within hours, I was doubting myself. I felt I may have let her go too early. I felt that she wasn't ready to leave us and that I should have done a little more to help relieve her pain. I felt like I had given up on her before she had given up. I felt so guilty. I still do. She was a fighter. She deserved more time.

I didn't have a lot of time to grieve her death, though. My 9 year old, Bowie was feeling sick on July 17th. At the emergency vet, we found out he had fluid around his heart. The ultrasound revealed a tumor on the heart - most likely hemangiosarcoma. The blood was drained, and he felt better. We had multiple appointments over the next week and a half to try to determine if the cancer had metastasized, and to find out how we could treat it. Bowie did not like these appointments. He never enjoyed being away from us. There was a second tumor on his spleen. Cancer, or not, we don't know. The tumor on the heart would have been difficult to remove and specialists said it would be very risky. We were told chemotherapy wouldn't help without removing the tumors, first. Even if we could do all of this, we might have only had up to 6 months with him. Bowie was super-sensitive. He didn't deal with pain and discomfort well. We decided it wasn't worth it to put him through any type of invasive surgery, especially if it wasn't guaranteed to work. We decided to make every day going forward count.

Misha's seemed to get worse after Bowie was diagnosed. She began heavily limping on her front leg. Her back legs were weak and couldn't support her standing and she was hopping on her front leg. The indoor bowel and urinary accidents became more frequent. I took her for acupuncture and laser therapy. The vet felt the new limping was severe arthritis and mentioned she was probably in a lot of pain. This was with regular use of prednisone and tramadol. Misha was always stoic about pain. If it was this apparent, even with pred and tramadol, it must have been severe. It was the last straw, and it was why I let her go.

After she left us, I cried. A lot. The regret was immense. Within a week, I was able to get through my days better and focus more on Bowie. I had to. I didn't know how much time I had left with him.

My husband and I took him for nightly walks where he got to point a lot of bunnies. Bowie was a Vizsla, a pointing dog. He had so much fun being on the lookout for critters and pointing them. When they'd run off, most of the time, he'd just run to wherever they were sitting and take in the smells they had left behind. It was so much fun to watch him.

On Sat., August 20th, he didn't look right after dinner. We had taken him with us to a local pizza place where he could sit with us while we ate on the patio. After getting back in the car, he looked a little weaker than normal. A few minutes later, he was looking very weak. We got him into the emergency vet, where they found fluid, again around his heart. We did another pericardial tap to drain it.

On Tues, August 23rd, he was "off" again. Symptoms were different this time. I wondered if it was the heart again, or something bleeding in his abdomen. The cancerous tumors could be everywhere by now. I took him into my regular vet and she could hear his heart, so we didn't think the sac around it was filling, or at least wasn't full. She still felt there had been a bleed, but it may have stopped. They didn't have an ultrasound machine, so we couldn't tell. She treated Bowie's nausea. My husband was out of town. I decided I needed to keep Bowie alive until he returned the following evening. Bowie and I had a rough night, but he seemed to be feeling better Wednesday afternoon, but it was short-lived. He wasn't better. We took him in to the emergency/specialist's office Thursday morning and fluid had, again, filled the sac. I HAD to try one more time. I DID NOT want to have any regrets, as I was feeling with Misha. We did a 3rd tap.

After that, his tummy issues never got better. He was uncomfortable for awhile each time after he ate. I started feeding him small amounts of food every 3 or 4 hours. On Sunday, the 28th, he was finally looking better and was ravenous! He wanted to eat! It was so good to see that again! But, he had a bad tummy ache after lunch, so I knew the tummy issues hadn't subsided. After dinner, we took him for a short walk. Within a 1/2 hour, he was drooling. Within an hour of that, he was too weak to stand. We knew what was happening, and it was happening fast this time. We took him into the emergency vet and they helped him pass. I knew it was the right thing to do. I had no doubts.

I miss him so much! He was such a lover! He gave us so much love! He was a constant shadow. He loved getting rubbed and scratched. He never sat next to us - he was on us, or always touching us, in some way. He brought so much joy to our lives. And now, I'm heartbroken. And my life is empty without him. I had so many plans for him! I miss his wiggle butt, his soft ears, his loving eyes, his hugs. It hurts. It hurts.