Almost Four Years Options

[magdalene]

I was going to wait until the 16th of this month, which will be the four year anniversary of my baby's death. But I'm sad now.

It's been almost four years. In some ways it seems like yesterday and in some ways it seems like a lifetime ago that I held her last. I know it's supposed to get easier in time but I swear it hasn't. It's different, but not easier. Well, it's easier to breathe, so I guess that counts for something. The pain is less sharp. But it's not less. It's just different.

My other cat was diagnosed with diabetes recently. She's doing well now but there is no guarantee she'll keep doing well. I mean, I know there is never any guarantee anyway. But she's also getting older. She can't jump up on the bathroom counter anymore. She likes to get up on the counter sometimes when I'm in the bathroom but now I have to pick her up and put her there. She's getting older. She will not live forever.

I made a will recently. Not that I'm planning on going anywhere anytime soon, but you never know, right? In my will, I asked for Eileen's ashes to be buried with me when I die.

Life has been hard lately. My partner is seriously ill. If Eileen was still here, she'd be such a comfort to me. But instead of comfort, there is just this big empty hole.

Magdalene