My Baby Girl Left Me This Week, Ughh!, sorry, it's long one Options

[mynutmeg]

Hi,
I am new here...I have been impatiently awaiting my validation for my registration! and it finally came through so here I am to pour my heart out.
I am not sure where to start so I guess from the beginning: I adopted my Nutmeg from a local SPCA back in March of 1991, she was 6 or 8 weeks old at the time (can't remember). Anyway I was cruising down the aisle to find just the perfect kitten and I knew I wanted a grey one (always had a thing for grey kitty's) so at the end of the cages there was a cage full of gey ones that had just been dropped off, it was the momma with her baby girl & baby boy. I picked the baby girl and even though it broke my heart I couldn't afford to take on the momma cat and her brother(cried over that one). Away we went, off to the Vet's for a quick check up and home afterwards. I was in love with that cat from the time we got in the car:). we bonded on the long 2.5 hour trip home.

I am starting a journal so that is how the beginning goes, but if I had to type every twist & turn of our entangled lives together you would be scrolling for miles. As the years went by, we went through relationships, hardships and great times together. There wasn't much that I did without consulting her first or if I had to leave town I would make sure she was attended to 120%, we lived on an island so boarding was not really an option, thankfully so! The thought of her ever being in a cage again just rubbed me the wrong way. Nutmeg wasn't the friendliest cat...a little skiddish- I will assume this may have been caused by her short life before we met but nonetheless I loved her just as much as a cuddly tomcat. She made a few moves with me but we were never far from the beach- boy she loved living at the beach, the salty air, fresh fish and seagulls overhead. I hate to admit it but that cat was my life or maybe that is okay and I guess that is why her passing has been sooo terribly difficult, way more difficult than I had ever imagined.I guess over the past year I noticed that she seemed to be really aging quickly compared to previous years and I knew she was getting up there in age and took her to Vets regularly so it didn't appear out of the norm that she was not playing as much (sleeping more) not eating like she used to and just kinda getting that elder look about her. That cat had the life though, every toy, homemade catnip, staircase to my bed, always canned food & more hugs and kisses than she ever wanted.

Fast forward to August 2009...my baby girl seemed to be getting weaker and her allergies were bothering her or so I thought. The she eventually was having a bit of trouble breathing, then she would be fine, then it would pick up again. I was at this point too afraid to take her to the vet as I might here the inevitable or that she would need to be put to sleep or that we can prolong her life but it's gonna cost, what ? I made the choice not to take her back in as I felt at her age the diagnoses would not be good, so I kept her here and just loved the heck out her! Over last weekend and early this week she seemed to have turned for the worse and living on an island does not make it easy to get care quickly, the Vet travels to my area a couple days a week so I called them Tuesday for an appt and they would be here Wed or Fri so I made the appt. for Wed at 2:30, I told the lady on the phone that I no longer had a carrier for her and to PLEASE make it easy as possible for me in the waiting area especially if there were other animals since I was just holding her. The appt. was for the intention of possibly a last ditch effort to fix her somehow or I would end her suffering which had become unbearable by Tuesday evening- I would cry just looking at her try to get up and lay down was very difficult and she was starting to whimper which was killing me. the last few days I would just crawl in the floor with her and love on her since she was unable to jump up on the couch, bed or desk anymore. Wed. rolled around and I decided to close my store(own a local biz) and spend the entire day with her before we went off to the Vets (knowing this would probably be it but secretly hoping for a miracle). It was a struggle to even get her in the car as her breathing at this point was very labored and I knew she despised the Vet office but I felt with her suffering I had no choice, I just couldn't stand to watch her cry in pain anymore so I figured the trauma of going to the Vets was worth it to stop the pain. She had also stopped eating approx. 24 hours before we went in so I knew in my heart she was telling me it was time, but boy she was still slurping up water until the minute I wrapped her in the towel to put her in my car. There was no mobile service within 2 hours so I opted out of that unfortunately.

The half hour drive to the Vets seemed to take forever, anyway we finally arrive and asked if we could skip the waiting room and I could just bring her in straight to the room, not a problem so I went back out to the car to get her and as fast as I could carry her in because it was near impossible to hold her due to the breathing- I hadn't been able to pick her up for last couple of weeks due to her congestive heart failure/fluid on lungs so as soon as we made it through he front door there was a huge dog and she freaked and was trying to squirm away from me so I held her tight and ran for the room, we got in and I set her down and she was in major distress, she turned her head at me and her mouth opened a bit and she rolled over on her side no more than 2 seconds after putting her down on the table. I knew something was horribly wrong at this point as I have never seen an animal act this weird. 1 more second goes by and she lost all the urine from her bladder & right then I knew I lost her, I screamed, kicked and cried, the assistant was with me from the time I brought her into the room and the vet cam in right after she emptied her bladder. I was still crying & screaming thinking why, WHY ? why did I torture my poor baby by bringing her all the way here just for her to panic and die right in front of me, Oh god it was horrible!!!!!!!!

I guess her weak heart just gave out and , I now regret even taking her in- obviously her time was imminent and I could have let her die at home where I'd hoped she would pass on. I am struggling with this so much, I didn't want to see her suffer anymore but I ended up killing her by the torturous vet visit- I am not sure if it would have been worse to put her to sleep or just to watch her die in my arms on the table. I guess no matter how she died; at home, at the vets or where ever, the end result is still just as painful!. I brought her home because I knew she would want to be buried by the beach in a fishbox with the seagulls flying overhead. The vet carried her to my car and I cried all the way home with her next to me, I had a friend meet me and we said our goodbyes and laid her to rest, when I feel better I will go by and plant a little something. She is buried where she spent most of her life and I am just a mile away. The last few days have been gut wrenching to say the least, I never knew how deep the affection ran until I have wiped up days of tears, I live alone so it was just her & I and the house is quiet, scary quiet. She was one of the most vocal kitty's I have ever had- always talking to me whether I wanted to listen or not and now it's just dead silence, I HATE IT! I kept my shop closed~ just couldn't bare to deal with anyone, just sat on the couch in the dark & cried for 3 days straight and never even left the house.

Today was an upturn- I made it to the grocery store and got some laundry done so that was a step. I will go back to work Monday, I have not really talked with anyone but have had a good friend checking on me several times a day this week so that has been nice. Mornings are very hard as I have no one rubbing my leg looking for some fancy feast and nights because I don't have my baby next to me in bed. The house is empty with no one to talk to, although today I talked with Nutmeg and asked for forgiveness for taking her to the Vet...hopefully she will.

Today, I started a keepsake box for her...well, I mean for me of her so I can keep all my memories in one place- it's amazing how much a part of my life was hers, I have cards from my family just to her, many funny books about cats and the weird things they do, a christmas stocking in the shape of a paw, pictures galore, some whiskers & fur from her brush and some other sentimental items. I started putting some things in a large longaberger basket today which seems to be the perfect memory box, mind you I still have her food & water bowl out, still have not touched the litter box, I don't know what to do with the steps still by me bed or her two scratching posts...I guess in due time I will figure out when to put these away or donate them, they were hers and couldn't fathom keeping them if I ever decide down the road to rescue another animal.

I have not turned my television on since Tuesday evening, not sure why...it's so quiet- I still sorta feel guilty about enjoying something since she's been gone- is that normal ? Thank you kind people for allowing me to share and vent my feelings here, I know pet lovers are in abundance here- that's why I came:)

I love you baby girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we shared nearly 19 years of our lives together/ all of yours and just about half of mine

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