Everything Is Hers.... Now What?, Miss Kitty, my furry daughter, my baby Options

[devastated]

I could go on for days with the descriptive terms.... My daughter, my baby, my precious one, my furry angel, my little sweetie girl, my heart, my gorgeous one.....

I just joined this board yesterday. I found it because I did a web search for the phrases, "can't cope without" and "pet loss" at the same time. Sometimes I just put in random things to do with a feeling or something just to see what will come up. What came up this time was the individual post t*itled, "Nova, I can't cope without you." Slam Dunk. Yes. I wanted to reply right then and there but had to wait to sign up and all that. As some of you saw, I wrote out some of the details of my Miss Kitty's last hours on this earth as a reply to that post. There, it was also suggested that I write an intro. So that is what I am doing now.

For almost 19 years, Miss Kitty was the center of my life, the pivot point of my universe. She was a very special cat. Not that all cats aren't special but well, Miss Kitty was different yet. Even people who did not like cats would meet her and be amazed and yes, like her. Don't get me wrong here, I do love most all cats and see their individuality and specialness of each one. But she was different. She was a special little being who graced this earth with her presence. She was glowing love wrapped in beautiful silky soft fur. She eminated something not of this world, something so far above and beyond this world that we can only touch, sometimes, briefly, through a window given us, sometimes by a special being, sometimes by a place of natural beauty, sometimes by a religious experience.

Being with her was for me, a religious experience. I never took her for granted. I never found myself not loving her or disappointed with her. I always knew what a precious furchild I had with me. And I always knew that someday, in all liklihood, that she would not be with me. And oh how I dreaded that day. From the time she was about 6 and had to have emergency surgery for pyometria, I lived in fear of losing her. Even back then, I started trying to prepare myself for her not being here with me. When I would groom her, I kept every bit of her precious fur that came off. (And this could be a lot!) I explained it away to others by telling them that I had a friend who spun dog hair into yarn and that I was going to get this fur done up the same way. And that was true yes, but after sending her the first batch some years ago, she found it too silky soft and elusive to work with. But I continued to save it. I felt that someday, that was all I would have.

And pictures! Oh I have thousands of cat pictures. Especially in the last few years and especially once I got the digital cameras. I was always taking pictures of her, recording her life, recording her smiles and her beauty. I never wanted to forget a moment of our lives together.

But now that all seems so shallow. I mean sure, I AM glad to have the photos and such. But I want HER. As the late 80s song mournfully sang, "nothing compares to you." And nothing compares to her. She was my baby, my sweetheart, my love, my child. I was and remain so totally devoted to her. As anyone who ever knew us could see, this was one of the world's great loves.

She had health problems her whole life. She had to have special food and special water. When she went down with something it was usually very serious. We had so many brushes with near death over the years. And each time it was terrifying for me yet each of those times it would almost have made sense to have lost her. This time, when she really did go, it makes no sense at all. She wasn't even sick this time! She had just gotten through a stroke and congestive heart failure! Back in June, the 2nd of June, 2007, she had a stroke. I knew it was a stroke right away - well as soon as I realized that she wasn't faking me out with a "come get me mommy, I can't walk!" (She would occasionally do things like that so that I would carry her someplace.)

When she had the stroke, I took her to the local emergency room where we were at the time. They were excellent there but felt it likely a blood clot or even an injury that was paralyzing her rear legs and tail. They treated it as if it were a blood clot but we looked to other pract*itioners for diagnosis also. There was no consensus as to the problem and as soon as she was cleared for travel I transported her 12 hours to her regular vet who is also an animal chiropractor and just plain top notch in every way.

She stayed at the emergency center where he works from for a week. They ran tests. He went over her spine carefully. There still was no firm consensus as to the problem. I took her to accupuncture doctors, an animal neurologist, anything I could. It became apparent that the only way to get a firm diagnosis was going to be an MRI. This, for her, was a very high risk thing. She had reacted badly in the past to anesthesias and with her age and current condition it was going to be difficult at best.

I got her in to Tufts University's animal hospital cardiology department and off we went to spend 3 1/2 weeks in Massachusetts. It turned out they did not do the MRI though. They had far more advanced cardiology equipment than did my area and they diagnosed her, based upon their findings and also based upon her recovery pattern, as indeed a stroke. She was given a new heart medicine and physical therapy. The meds change was wonderful for her. From the time of the stroke until the meds change, she had been not quite herself but from the very next day, yes, there she was.

I got her an exercise cart from Eddie's Carts, also in Massachusetts. They were fantastic there. We spent an afternoon learning how to use it and letting her get some practice time in. I have videos and photos of that day. The plan was to allow them to use them on their web site to show that cats could indeed benefit from carts also. I will still be sending them as I called soon after she passed and they said they would still be happy to use them. So maybe in a month or so, if you go to the Eddie's Carts website, you can see some videos of my baby girl.

After we were done in Massachusetts, I could see clearly that she did not have enough room to fully use her cart in the rented apartment we had been living in for the preceeding two years. We had a house elsewhere but I had needed to do some work in this area plus it was where her good vet was so we were here for now. Well, with the new needs for cart usage, I went ahead and bought her a house. I took almost all I had left for the down payment as things are not cheap in this area. I fixed up this house so much for a (then hopefully temporarily) handicapped cat. There are little ramps and foam steps everywhere and to everything. I got her the World's Largest Litterbox as she had some trouble with missing the box since the stroke and this was distressing to her. I made it from one of those big blue plastic kiddie pools.

Anyways, I've been writing too long now and my eyes are going wacky so to wrap this up a little - Everything is hers. Yep, probably even me. I have this house that was for her, the contents are mostly hers, the apartment is filled with her stuff. The house elsewhere - which I've not yet been back to - is going to be even worse as we lived there for almost ten years.

I don't want to just get rid of that which she knew and loved but on the other hand it hurts to look at it. Plus, I seem to have acquired a kitten. And he needs to be able to be free to run about and do things for himself without me worrying about him "using her stuff". I don't think most of her stuff will translate well to being given to another. So much of it is just so personal anyways. So I am working on distributing it as best as I can. Just the act of collecting it all up is so painful though.

Also, now I have this house that frankly I don't need. It is horribly expensive and while its nice, its far more than I need, even if I had three cats living with me. So now that I've just begun to get settled in, it looks like I will soon move again. I haven't completely decided what to do there.

Well, I've gone on more than long enough for an intro I'm sure. I don't know if anyone can relate to being so closely tied up with an animal. I'm sure someone somewhere has done so though. With her passing, its not just the complete devastation of losing a loved one but it is also a loss of my lifestyle and even to a large degree, a loss of ident*ity as "Mommy to one of the World's Greatest Cats". With so much wrapped up with her for so many years now, I don't know what I am doing anymore. My decisions on everything have to be based in an entirely different structure now. Its not "all about her" and thus my largest motivations for any and everything are just no longer there.

Yes, I do have this other little guy now but it is completely different. While certainly very sweet, he is not so in need of special treatment in everything. This is yes, a good thing, as I don't have it in me to devote to another as I did with her. Even physically and financially, I just don't have it in me these days. But I think that he and I can hopefully get to be very good friends at least. Maybe one of these days I will write about how he managed to come home with me. It makes me wonder if maybe he was somehow sent by or knew of my kitty girl.

Thank you to anyone who read all this and hopefully it didn't come out too disjointed. Frankly I'm just not doing so well today. I just got back to the house here yesterday - I had left here the day after everything happened - I had to transport Miss Kitty to where she was going which is far from here but is where I am going when I die and I ended up just not wanting to come back until I almost had to. Thus coming back yesterday to this house and all the things left as they were that night has been like a fresh blow.

The kitten is not here right now. He is at the vet boarding place. When I walked in yesterday, there were tons of fleas. Apparently the population exploded while I was gone. Miss Kitty had gotten some in those last few weeks and I'd thought we'd gotten rid of them but what was left must have bred and bred while I was away and I just couldn't bring the little guy in here to this. I had the professionals out here today and they are coming back on Tuesday for another treatment. Everyone, they and the vets, says to not bring him in with it like this as he is still too young to use Advantage or anything and they can kill a little guy like he is. So yes, I've been here by myself. And maybe in some ways this is a good thing because I've also had the chance to work at putting things more right for him and putting away things of hers that I can't stand someone else to get into.

This kitten is not a replacement. No one could ever be. But at the same time, I know that I need purrs. I have to have something, someone here with me. I think I would go utterly mad with no feline contact at all. And like I said, he is sweet and he does seem to "get it" even at his age about where I am with things.

Well, I will stop now so I don't end up with the Worlds Longest Intro!

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