A Great Loss Options

[John]

A few days ago the most precious thing in my life died in my arms. He was a small yorkie about 14 years old. He was the love of my life and I cared for him like I would care for an infant. He wanted for nothing and I saw to his every whim.
He came into my life about 11 years ago. It started one day when my wife related a story about a woman she knew that was on drugs and wanted to sell her dog for drug money. My wife was familiar with the dog and had fallen in love with it and thought that we should buy it from her.
At the time I had two other dogs and wasn't really looking to add another but I relented and purchased the dog from the woman. Well let me tell you that it must have been a god send because he was the most loving little creature I ever came across and we bonded instantly.
He always insisted that I carry him around and take him where ever I went. He loved to ride in the car and when he saw or heard the keys jingle he was right at the door bouncing up and down wanting to go.
Things were always good and he never had any real health problems. About two months ago though he was laying by my side and he had what appeared to be a seizure. I thought that he had stopped breathing and had in fact died. I did CPR and a few minutes later he came around but acted sort of stunned and out of it.
I took him to the vet who found that he was hypoglycemic and had a collapsing trachea. The vet also suggested that I take him to a cardiologist for his heart. Well the cardiologist confirmed that he had a leaking valve and the trachea was collapsing adding to his problems. He put him on some medications and told me to come back in a few months.
The little guy had a difficult time handling the medications and adjusting the dosage didn't seem to help. He continued to worsen and had more seizures. I then took him back to the cardiologist who said that he was suffering and that there wasn't much that could be done other than to euthanize him.
I guess the vet saw that I was visibly shaken and said that there is a couple more meds we could try as a last resort. Well we gave him the meds and he did a 180 degree turn. It was like a miracle. He became his old self again. This went on for about two or three weeks but the seizures continued but he always seemed to recover fine from them until a few days ago.
He was sleeping next to me on the floor when I saw that he was going into another seizure. I immediately picked him up to try and soothe him but all of a sudden he went limp and wasn't breathing. I then checked his heart and it to had stopped. I tried CPR fro what seemed like an eternity but he just would not respond. He died in my arms and I held him for hours not wanting to admit to myself that he was gone.
My wife came home and found me sitting there holding him but she couldn't believe that he was gone and finally she broke down and began sobbing.
After a little while he wrapped him in a sheet of cloth and buried him in our yard right under a figurine of an angel. Since then I have been totally out of it. I am unable to think straight and all I do is keep saying his name and hoping that he will all of a sudden appear. I haven't eaten nor have I slept very much. I am taking a sedative to help keep me from totally losing it. I would do anything to have that dear sweet little sould in my arms again if only for a few more moments. I loved him with all my heart and soul and the thought of his no longer being here makes me tear up and I can feel this overwhelming panic sweeping over me. I just wish I knew that he was all right it would make me fell a whole lot better. I also thank god for giving me a little more quality time with him and for bringing him into my life.
I'm sorry for the long story but I had to get it out.