Living In A Fog, i miss my boy Options

[barnum's mom]

he was special. i know we all think that about our babies but i think everyone who knew barnum knew he was special.

he lived to be 13 years and 18 days old. in that time he cheated death three times to stay with me. once at age 4 when he survived a stroke, once at age 8 when he survived a bout of severe anemia with no diagnosed cause, and once at age 11 when he ate carpet which never passed and was in his system for 27 days before the specialist finally discovered it. he was special.

what finally felled him was our decision to let him go. the impairments he suffered from the stroke when he was four were magnifying as they were compounded by age and arthritis. for a year and a half, his mobility lessened a little every week. it became a regular topic of coversation the last six months as we tried to determine that definate point in time when there were more bad days than good. i'm still not sure we got that right. he exhibited no definable signs of pain or discomfort from the increasing number of falls and the decreasing desire to get up on his own. you could tell that it was getting hard for him to get up, and at times you could tell that he had trouble getting comfortable. but there were never any signs of pain.

the colder weather was taking its toll. we picked a date. we followed through. but i will always wonder if it was too soon. i have every confidence that - at the time of his final breath - he didn't understand why we were letting him go. it haunts me all the time - as does the gigantic void in my life.

that was december 18. 26 days ago. it is incomprehensible that i have been on this earth without him for that long. i can't even wrap my mind around it.

i can remember his smell, his smile, his sounds, his warmth. even when i am doing other things - a measurable percentage of my brain power is thinking about him - how much i miss him. how much i am sorry for letting him go. how much i need him. how much i love him. how much he made my life a better and richer experience.

i'm getting in over my head at work because i cannot shake the fog. i'm a cpa - it's our crazy time. i've got 13 weeks of 60 hour marathons ahead of me. two weeks in i'm scared i'm going to collapse under the weight of my dispair.

i read on these message board about people who think they hear or see their loved ones, or how they dream about their loved ones. but i have had none of those experiences. i envy those people. i cannot sleep without aide, i cannot think without distraction, i cannot smile without tears. i feel as though i am coming undone.

i don't know how to move into the next phase of this. i just feel guilt and dispair all the time. i see no remedy, no end in sight. just varying levels of faking my life - none of them passing - just lame attempts to pose as a person among the living, wishing i was with my departed son.

Barnum's Tribute