My Sweet Mariah, Still trying to forgive myself Options

[LittleGirl's...]

Almost ever since I came to this site in March of '04, when I lost my Little Girl, I've wanted to post something about my sweet Mariah, a kitty I lost in '98.
>
I was in an abusive relationship in the mid-90's, and the guy I was seeing had a very young cat named Mariah. My 8-year-old kitty, Little Girl, and I eventually moved in with them. We lived there for 1 1/2 years, during
> which time I found out that the guy was
> abusive---emotionally to me, and he was somewhat physically abusive to Mariah. This thought kills
> me. >
>Little Girl and I moved out > in March of '97, and I took custody of Mariah shortly after that.
> This really upset Little Girl, because Little
> Girl was then 10 and this was the first time she had ever
> been "the only cat"...and here I was, bringing
> Mariah to live with us.....
>
> The 2 cats stayed jealous of each other all the
> time. I don't think they ever accepted or really
> liked each other. So it was
> hard for me to give either one the attention they
> deserved, because there was always one of them whose
> feelings were being hurt! But I gave Little Girl
> more attention than I did Mariah because Little Girl
> was older and I was trying to sooth her because I
> felt she was the one who had been "intruded on" by
> my bringing Mariah home. Plus, I felt I'd have years
> and years and years with Mariah, because Mariah was only 2
> years old at this time, and Little Girl was 10.
>
> In May of '98, Mariah threw up a couple of
> times, and it looked odd. I called the vet, and the
> assistant wasn't concerned, even though I described
> the odd appearance of the vomit. So I put it out of
> my mind. Her appe***e started going downhill. ...In
> June I was scheduled to go on a trip (work-related
> but also fun) for 10 days. My Mom was going to be
> checking in on the cats. I told her that I might not
> even go because Mariah wasn't looking too good...
> Somehow she helped to convince me, and I convinced
> myself, that there was nothing really serious, that
> I should go on my trip as planned (I feel terrible that I didn't take her in for a check-up
> before I left!!!).
>
> By early July, I knew something was going on
> with her health. I made an appointment for Friday,
> July 10th. I had a friend drive us.
>
> The vet was rude to me and treated Mariah like
> an object, and as he examined Mariah he said, "This
> is a very sick animal." ...I started getting
> frantic, asking questions about what was wrong, etc.
> etc. and was bawling my eyes out and wanted it all
> to be a horrible nightmare that I could wake up
> from. That instant, I felt like the worst mother in
> the world, and I knew I would do anything if I could
> only turn back time and get her to the vet sooner so
> that maybe something could be done, and show her
> more love.... I was desperate. He said it was
> probably a tumor and took some blood to be tested
> and we were going to wait in the car while it got
> tested but before we headed for the car he said,
> "This cat will be dead by tomorrow."
>
> I took Mariah out to the car, screaming to my
> friend that he needed to drive us to Norway (the
> town with the vets I used to go to). All the way
> there, I alternated between apologizing to Mariah
> for everything, and screaming, distressed about the vet. Then I couldn't
> believe I was screaming, scaring Mariah even more,
> so I'd try to sooth her, etc. etc.
>
> At the other vet, he examined her and said
> there was no tumor, but that something was
> definitely going on. Blood work showed that it was
> pancrea***is----very serious. The next 3 days were a nightmare, with IV's, etc. etc. .
I finally realized I couldn't save her! I had allowed
> this to happen to her. Everything played back in my
> mind as I told her how sorry I was about everything.
> After about half an hour, the vet led us to a room
> and I cradled her in my arms and said 'Mommy loves
> you' and 'We'll be together again' and I
> let her go. I left the vet's and it was surreal,
> getting into my car and traveling the 45 minutes
> home. I concentrated on the fact that Little Girl
> needed me to arrive safe, so somehow I got myself
> home.
>
> To this day, I haven't been able to forgive
> that first vet for how he treated my baby, and how
> he treated me.
>
> And I haven't been able to quite forgive
> myself for allowing my sweet Mariah to be mistreated
> by my ex, for allowing her to linger in what must have been emotional and
> physical pain, for taking her to that awful doctor
> instead of going to the regular animal hospital
> where I had always gone. (Money and distance were
> factors, and I feel just awful about that!!)
>
> I hope she knows how very sorry I am and how very
> much I love her.
>
> She and Little Girl are together now.
>
> Mariah taught me SO much. Thanks to her, I was able
> to make up for things I had put Little Girl through
> for the first few years of her life. Her last 8 years
> were much better (she lived to be almost 17).
>
I feel at home on this site, and I just wanted to share Mariah's story.

***edited to add lil' Mariah's picture***

This post has been edited by Muffins: Oct 5 2006, 02:38 PM

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