Feeling Guilty Over Wanting To Feel Better Options

[Mink&WillowsMom]

My beloved Mink (the black kitty) was hit and killed a week ago, and I've just been crushed by his death. He was only 3. He was my child, my baby, full of cuddly affection, goofy weirdness, and the heart-and-mind connection that makes some pets truly amazing companions. I've buried 3 cats in 4 years; the other two were 18-1/2 and 16 when they died -- to lose Mink so early is so unfair. The disbelief lasted for days, and I still resent the hell out of having to accept this. For the first several days I didn't eat, I barely slept, I cried all day. Finally, though, I've come to realize he's not coming back (at least in this guise), and the numbing shock is wearing off. My lows are still raw and unbearable, lasting much of the day. But when I lift up, I rise up a little higher each time, to a place that almost feels like I can think about functioning again. And then I feel guilty, like I'm betraying him. I feel like I'm ready to lift up out of this heavy fog now, but it feels disloyal to leave him behind. Willow, his brother (the gray one), is actually adjusting much better than I. I think starting to feel better is coming within reach, but I'm still so reluctant to let him go. I feel so torn: it feels like the choice is to help myself up out of this gray, gray pit, but in doing so I'm leaving him behind. It's been like physical withdrawal, and I don't want to lose the shreds of feeling him in the now, and resign him only to memory, fuzzy and indistinct. Advice on how to get past the guilt of not wanting to stay mired in this painful gray hell anymore? Of course I'll continue to grieve, but I've gotta start functioning again.

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