My Beautiful Bear Options

[cruciverb]

On Thursday, my kitty, Bear, passed away. She was two weeks away from her 8th birthday. I saw her being born and she was my first cat. She saw me through so much: college, break-ups, my dad having a kid with his new wife, unemployment, depression. I've often been lonely and felt like no one understood me. But Bear did. She was always there for me. She used to wait by the door for me. She was weaned too young and she used to try to suckle on me. I was her mommy.

I am not used to death. My grandmother passed away two years ago. It was the first death in my life. She was 81, had Alzheimer's, and lived in another city. She wasn't a constant in my life like Bear was.

Bear was diagnosed with a heart murmur two months ago. Last Wednesday, she got very sick. I knew right away that she was dying. She died at the vet's overnight and I feel so guilty. I feel like I didn't do enough. I feel like I failed her.

I though Bear would live at least another couple of years. I dreaded her death from when she was a kitten. Her death was a total shock. I don't know what to feel or what to think. One moment I'm okay. Then I'm crying. Or mad. Or numb.

I want my baby back. Just last week, she was curled up right next to me. What happened? I have another kitty, Yoshi, who was adopted right before I found out about her heart murmur. I feel guilty for loving him, but he gives me comfort. He needs me, just like Bear.